Early Mike Harding songs

Subject: Early Mike Harding songs
From: Evil Roy Slade
Date: 08 Oct 10 - 09:45 AM

My first post here. I have very fond memories of the early albums - up to, say, Captain Paralytic, being played at home when I was very young. I started trying to play some on my guitar - the ones written up in his books like "Manuel". But it is the really great stuff like "Strangeways Hotel", "The Tatler", "Away with Rum" etc that I really want to play. I have transcribed all the lyrics (I'll attach them here) but am rubbish at working out the music. Can anyone help?
Here's hoping.

"Mike Harding's Back" 16:40

Mr Lobster Man

Well good evening Mr Lobster man, good evening sir said he

Have you got a lobster you can sell to me

CHORUS: Singing ro tiddly oh, ro tiddly oh, ro tiddly oh tiddly oh to to

Well yes said he, I've got three, and here's the biggest bugger lad

Take him home now for your tea   CHORUS

Well he took the lobster home and he hadn't got a dish

So he put him in the place where his Mrs used to wish CHORUS

In the middle of the night, as you might know,

His Mrs jumped up, just to use the so and so CHORUS

Well she give a scream, and then she give a gasp

'Cos there was the lobster, hanging from her ass CHORUS

Well she grabbed a broom, and he grabbed a broom

And they chased the bloomin' lobster all around the room CHORUS

Well he hit him in the head, then he hit him in the eye

Then he kicked him up the bum, shouting "Die you bugger die!" CHORUS

And the moral to my story is very plain to see

Always have a shufty girls before you have a weewee CHORUS


"Mike Harding's Back" 23:00

Whitsuntide Clothes

CHORUS:

Well she's dressed in her Whitsuntide clothes, Fairest of lasses is she

But I'm sure that she'll turn up her nose, At a scruffy old bugger like me


Bonny wherever she's seen, Thought I'd a bit of a chance

But now she's dressed up like a Queen, And I reckon I'm done with romance CHORUS

For I never was much of a toff, Cannot get waves in my hair

My mates they all seem to get off, You know they say things that I'd never dare CHORUS

All those nuts in their best Sunday suits, very smart, They're sure to notice her now

And I'll have a nice broken heart, Unless I can fool 'em somehow CHORUS

So I'm off up to't tailor terneet, I shall ask for a very good fit

For if new things can make her look sweet, They'll 'appen improve me a bit CHORUS


"Mike Harding's Back" 30:00

Boozin'

Where do you think that I've been all the day? I've been boozin' bloody well

boozin'

And where do you think that I've spent all my pay? It's gone on boozin' bloody

well boozin'

Now you may think me wrong or you may think me right,

You may think me dim or you may thing me bright,

But what do think I'll be doing tonight?

I'll be boozin' bloody well boozin'

CHORUS

So it's boozin' boozin' just you and I, Boozin' boozin' when we are dry

Some do it open and some on the sly, But they're always bloody well boozin'


Well what is the thing I love more than my tea? It's boozin' bloody well boozin'
And what makes you keep nippin' out for a wee? It's boozin' bloody well boozin'
'Cos your pockets get empty as your bladder gets tight,
If you're suppin' this sludge the best part of the night
Your nose goes blood red but your face is all white,
You've been boozin' bloody well boozin'

CHORUS

What is the thing the clergy pulls down? (Nun's knickers!), It's boozin' bloody well boozin'
And what do they preach about all over town? It's boozin' bloody well boozin'
'Cos they curse it and call it and holler it about,
But they're talkin' about summat they knows plenty about
'Cos where do you find the buggers when all lights are out?
They're boozin' bloody well boozin'

CHORUS



Well what is the thing I love more than my wife? It's boozin' bloody well boozin'
And what is the thing that's the plague of my life? It's boozin' bloody well boozin'
'Cos you roll home in the morning and she starts moaning at you
She says "Now then you bugger, tomorrow you'll rue"
Then she turns down the bed, saying "There's nowt down for you"
'Cos you're always bloody well boozin'

CHORUS


Mrs 'Ardin's Kid (1) 12:30

Away With Rum

CHORUS:

Away, away with rum, by gum, with rum, by gum, with rum by gum

Away, away with rum, by gum, that's the song of the Salvation Army


We never have biscuits 'cos biscuits have yeast

And too many biccies turns a man to a beast

Can you imagine the utter disgrace

Of a feller lying in the gutter with crumbs on his face

CHORUS

Oh we never have Brylcreem 'cos that's got bay rum

And too many rubbings can turn your head numb

But here's a thought what will have you in fits

Just imagine the millions of paralytic nits

CHORUS

Now if you go out hiking and you get two sore feet

Don't use surgical spirit, thought it cures them a treat

'Cos it seeps through the pores of your skin, by osmosis

And you'll end up having ten drunk little toesies

CHORUS

Oh we never have crumpet 'cos crumpet's got grain

And too many nibbles drives a young feller insane

Can you imagin just sitting all night

Nibblin' a big bit of crumpet until you get tight?

CHORUS

Mrs 'Ardin's Kid (1) 28:00

The Tatler

Well the Tatler came home rolling drunk, As drunk as a lad could be

Saw a bike outside the house, Where his bike ought to be

And he said "Ayup, my darling wife, my beautiful wife" said he

"Whose is that bike outside the house where my bike ought to be?"

"Well you're a blind fool, a daft fool, a silly old bugger" said she

"'Cos that's the lovely mangle what my mother sent to me"

"Well it's many a mile I've travelled, from Bolton up to Shaw

But pedals on a mangle, I never saw before, no pedals on a mangle I never

saw before"


Clog beneath the bed
Chamber pot
Irons on a chamber pot


Leg inside the bed
Yard prop
Bunions on a yard prop


Head in the bed
Cabbage
Glasses on a cabbage

(Methodist Hymn Book additional last verse. Can't go blind singing)

Thingy in his wife's hand
Rolling pin
Nutmegs on a rolling pin




Mrs 'Ardin's Kid (1) 36:00

The Strangeways Hotel

Last Saturday night I got into a fight

And I woke up on Wednesday in an 'eck of a fright

'Cos the Judge said "Young feller, you're going for a spell

Six months hard labour in the Strangeways Hotel"

CHORUS

Toodle ooo, Ayup, I can tell, Hooly hooly

There's no place on earth like the Strangeways Hotel


It's porridge each morning, it's strong and it's thick
It clogs up the drains and puts big lumps on your elbows
How do they make more when one lot's all spent?
They mix two loads of sand up with one of cement

CHORUS

It's fish every Friday, It's fish two foot wide
It covers up your plate and hangs over the side
You can tell that it's Friday just by the smell
'Cos the fish have all done time at the Strangeways Hotel

CHORUS

Well we don't sleep like tops and we don't sleep like logs
'Cos the bed bugs have feet like collier's clogs
And they bite you and punch you and wrestle you as well
Then they kick you out of bed in the Strangeways Hotel

CHORUS

Well the warders they read bedtime stories at night
They tuck us all in and then they turn out the light
They they give us all a big kiss to make sure we sleep well
They've bloody strange ways at the Strangeways Hotel

CHORUS


Mrs 'Ardin's Kid (2) 22:30

Talkin' Blackpool Blues

Well my Mam and Dad and Gran and me

We went to Blackpool by the sea

It rained and rained for most of the day

But we all got tanned in a funny sort of way

It was rust

(Spoken)
Grandma had wet rot in her wooden leg
Grandad started making an ark out of a bus shelter and some lollipop sticks
97 of us under one pacamac, sort of cosy really
Then our Albert bet our Willy he wouldn't eat some sand
And our Willy ate some sand. He's mad our Willy
Then he were sick all over't dog. And't dog just sat there and went "Wubawubawuba"


When the sun come out we all sat down
Half naked lasses all around
And Grandad had two bottles of beer
And steam was coming out of his ears

(Spoken)
Grandma cured him. She put a crab down his wellies

Well Grandad he were game to the last
And when one young woman come walking past
He tried to chase her walking on his hands


(Spoken)
But Grandma cured him. She buried him in't sand
Up to his eyeballs he was, just his pipe sticking out
And our Willy took that and smoked it. The he was sick again

Well we went on't ghost train next time round
There were screams and flashes all around
Cobwebs fluttered and monsters moaned
Then our dog buggered off with a big heap of bones




(Spoken)
Grandma hit Frankenstein with her brolly. She said he looked like our rent man, Sceptic Knuckles. Then our Willy got off and went for a walk around. And our Albert dared him to look in Dracula's coffin. So our Willy had a look. Then he were sick again
Well they filled us kids with sticks of rock and candy floss
Then they bought us fish and chips and ginger ale and winkles and a giant humbug, shrimps and some more candy floss, and some egg and chips and some more ginger beer and our Willy went pale.
Then he went on the roundabouts. He didn't half upset a lot of people our Willy.
My Gran said it was the funniest thing she had ever seen. My Mam said he had a weak stomach. Our Willy said he was chucking it as far as he could.

When the night time came we saw the lights
And the grown ups all went off to get tight
And they left us kids outside the pub
With crisps to eat and pop to sup

(Spoken)
We go smashed out of us brains; our Albert had some meths
It went belting with the lemonade. Then our Willy ate 76 of those little blue packets of salt out of the crisps. Then he was sick again.

At eleven o'clock out come our gang
And we carried 'em all to't charabanc
And we sung all't way home on't bus
Then my Gran started kicking up a fuss
It was a while before we could understand;
We'd left my Grandad buried in't sand

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: Andy Jackson
Date: 09 Oct 10 - 05:48 AM

Not wishing to state the obvious, but just have a look at the seven pages of Mike's stuff on Ebay.
My partner, Eyelander, has many of his early L.P.s (somewhere)and is an ardent fan. I think many of his non-comedic songs are just superb.
Good luck and have fun.
Andy

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: GUEST,Smoggy
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 04:25 AM

How about the classic song and advertising jingle "Uncle Joe's Mint Balls, A Wigan favourite to this day....

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: alanabit
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 05:38 AM

I always liked Mike Harding the comedian, but the two songs, which I remember best from the early days are "Jimmy Spoons" and "King Cotton", both of which are very serious.

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Oct 10 - 09:54 AM

Miskin Man - thanks, but as I said, I have the albums, I just can't work out the chords to play to the songs. Does Eyelander have the music worked out? I would be very grateful

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: Andy Jackson
Date: 14 Oct 10 - 01:33 PM

Sorry guest, no can do!

Subject: ADD: Jimmy Spoons (Mike Harding)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 09 Nov 20 - 05:47 PM

Looks like we need the lyrics to Jimmy Spoons.

Jimmy Spoons
Mike Harding

Down the long city streets on summer afternoons
There walked an old man, they called him Jimmy Spoons
Time that I remember, me and all the other kids
We followed him the long, long day through

Ch:
Hey Jimmy, won’t you play one more tune
One of those you learned across in France
Hey Jimmy, won’t you give us just one more
Play one so the little kids can dance

Played his old mouth organ and his spoons they beat out time
All the kids they followed him, he didn’t seem to mind
Times I often wondered, why he was just a tramp
And where he went when the long hot day was done

All the medals that he wore shone in the sun
Memories of the trenches, of a war that was long gone
Now he was no soldier, just a dosser out of luck
Living in that hostel on the hill

Somewhere out in France a shell had torn his mind
Left him bent and broken, wearing rags, wearing a smile
What happened in the trenches, in the mud and in the tears
What happened to your life Jimmy Spoons
Down the long city streets, I walk past my old home
I have seen some changes, now that I have grown
Still you hear them singing on a summer’s afternoon
You hear the kids all say to Jimmy Spoons

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: Greum
Date: 11 Nov 20 - 01:06 PM

One of my favourite Mike Harding songs, I don't think was recorded. I'm not even sure what its title is.

A little lad whose name was Bob
Minded a horse outside a pub
The horse he widdled, the man came out
The little lad he gave a shout.

Your horse wont go now mister (x3)
’Cos the petrol’s all run away.

Me and the wife and the mother-in-law
Went for a walk on Blackpool shore
The mother-in-law feel off the pier
The wife she shouted in me ear.

Don’t stand and watch her drowning (x3)
I said, ‘Right I’ll shut me eyes.’

I had a girl, her name was May
I gave her a watch for her birthday
She opened it up and gave a stare
There was nowt inside, there were no doin’s there.

I said, ‘You needn’t worry’ (x3)
I’m giving you the works tonight.

You know last night and the night before
Three big pusses came kicking at the door
One had a fiddle, one had a drum
The other had a pancake stuck to his bum.

Early in the morning (x3)
Before the break of day.

Hey diddle diddle our pussy did a widdle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed to see such fun
So the cat did a little bit more.

Early in the morning (x3)
Before the break of day.

Old mother Hubbard she went to the cupboard
To get the postman a letter
When she got there the cupboard was bare
So they had it without it was better.

Early in the morning (x3)
Before the break of day.

My brother Henry had a ten foot willy
And he showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake so she hit it with a rake
And now it’s only five feet four.

Early in the morning (x3)
Before the break of day.

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: GUEST,VB
Date: 08 Dec 25 - 06:24 PM

To Greum,
It was called "Uncle Groper's Song" and it's the opening number on the album "Old Four Eyes Is Back".

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: Vincent Jones
Date: 08 Dec 25 - 09:39 PM

The Talking Blackpool Blues chords aren't be too difficult. I'm assuming that you're after the guitar chords.

Try G, C and D. Mostly in that order.

Good luck.

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: cujimmy
Date: 09 Dec 25 - 07:16 AM

I enjoy singing "The Small High Windw", which I first came accross when it was played on a tv program some years ago, I cant remember the name of the program but whoever was singing the song sang it really well, I believe the program was about child labour back in the day.

Subject: RE: Early Mike Harding songs
From: Vincent Jones
Date: 10 Dec 25 - 04:10 PM

I bought Mike Hardings's first five albums, so although I'd seen him in concert since then, I don't know all his stuff.

But I saw George Melly in Swinton about 40 years ago, and his version of the lobster song was a little more basic than the one quoted above.

One verse, for example:

First she gave a groan
And then she gave a grunt
Then she ran around the room
[at this point George mimed having a lobster between his legs]

Singing aye-tiddly-aye, shite or bust
Don't ever let your bollocks dangle in the dust