BS: Eastern Jewish Humor

Subject: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 06:38 PM

Try Jewish Buddhism and Jewish Haiku ...

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: Joe Offer
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 07:38 PM

those are truly inspiring, Mrr. I think the Haikus should be posted here for all to enjoy.
-Joe Offer-

Jewish Haiku

*****

After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

*****

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.

*****

Looking for pink buds
to prune, the old moyel
wanders among his flowers.

*****

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

*****

Harsh Scrabble discord--
someone has placed "putzhead" on
a triple word score.

*****

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.

*****

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

*****

Tea ceremony--
fragrant steam perfumes the air.
Try the cheese Danish.

*****

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.

*****

Yom Kippur-- Forgive
me, Lord, for the Mercedes
and all that lobster.

*****

My nature journal --
today, I saw some trees and birds.
I should know the names?

*****

Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture at
my dinner table.

*****

Beyond Valium
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.

*****

Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.

*****

Coroner's report --
"The deceased, wearing no hat,
caught his death of cold."

*****

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
got it at Loehmann's.

*****

The sparrow brings home
too many worms for her young.
"Force yourself," she chirps.

*****

Jewish triathlon:
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.

*****

"Can't you just leave it?"
the new Jewish mother asks -
umbilical cord.

*****

The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.

*****

Our youngest daughter,
our most precious jewel.
Hence the name, Tiffany.

*****

Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

*****

Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

*****

Concert of car horns
as we debate the question
of when to change lanes.

*****

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news

*****

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

*****

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh

*****

Left the door open.
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

*****

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis.
Oy! To be fluent!

*****

Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

*****

A lovely nose ring --
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

*****

Hard to tell under
the lights--white Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: Joe Offer
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 07:49 PM

Here's the other one.

THE PRINCIPLES OF JEWISH BUDDHISM

1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.

2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

5. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

6. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget to do this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

7. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

8. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

9. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

10. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

11. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

12. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes! [i.e., "a hill of beans" or "nothing" -- for Yiddish-deprived people].

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 09:01 PM

Nu... these are an absolute stitch! Many thanks to Mrrzy and Joe!

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: Peace
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 09:05 PM

Love it.

Leo Rosten would like this.

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: artbrooks
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 09:26 PM

Oi gevalt!

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: Once Famous
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 09:46 PM

yawn.

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: mack/misophist
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 11:58 PM

Note to Martin Gibson: Yawning is caused by an over abundance of CO2 in the blood. Sit up straight and breathe properly.

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: Peace
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 12:11 AM

m/m: Is that really what causes yawning? Never knew that. I love the 'cat. Learn somethin' new every day.

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: Joe Offer
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 01:56 AM

Yeah, I know, you're right Martin. I found them funny, but a Google Search shows the Haikus appear at 60 other places on the Internet. The Jewish Buddhist stuff appears 137 times. Still, they remind me of a particularly obnoxious woman I dated once...and only once.
She had to spend twenty minutes in meditation before we ate dinner. I got to sit and watch.
If we'd had more than the one date, she'd probably be e-mailing me the haiku and jewish/buddhist stuff, and dozens of other "cute" lists. She's like that.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 02:00 AM

Loved it!! Still trying to get back into my chair.

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: Wolfgang
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 05:27 PM

She had to spend twenty minutes in meditation before we ate dinner. I got to sit and watch.

And then you pondered how long she would make you sit and watch before...and you thought it wasn't worth it?

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: GUEST,jacqui.c
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:17 PM

Joe - these may have been on other sites but this is the only one I have time for so I hadn't seen them before and I loved them.

Subject: RE: BS: Eastern Jewish Humor
From: mack/misophist
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 10:21 PM

No matter how many sites a thing may be posted on, it will always be new to somebody. The fact that I know what antidisestablishmentarianism means doesn't mean every one else does.