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BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride
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Subject: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: GUEST,Joseph Blunder Date: 07 Apr 11 - 05:52 PM This thread will serve as my journal as I set about on a Holy Mission to save the immortal soul of Shane McBride, a young man who has fallen deeply into sin and depravity, and who is now resting in solitary confinement in the Sudbury jail, awaiting trial for bank robbery, public mischief, resisting arrest, pointing a gun, and "being a dick", to quote what I was told by one of the arresting officers. The first day of my evangelization of Shane McBride is now over. I am exhausted! But I shall not flag nor become discouraged. The police have given me carte blanche to visit him every day and acquaint him with the Gospel. I began by reminding Shane of his spiritual responsibilities, all the while subjected to a torrent of unspeakable verbal abuse from the prisoner! I continued with selected readings from Revelations, the Psalms, and Matthew. These were greeted with open contempt and derision. The unkempt young heathen then proceeded to try to drown me out by singing endless verses of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" in a loud voice and very much offkey. He followed that with some filthy song about a young women, the words of which are so dreadful and obscene that I dare not repeat them even with blanks inserted for the worst parts. Suffice it to say that certain portions of her frontal anatomy were compared to certain nether portions of a moose, and let's just leave it at that. He also pulled down his pants at one point, exposing his bare buttocks to me. I was in no wit dismayed, but continued reading loudly from the Bible and holding up a cross to remind Shane that he is in the presence of the Lord at all times and WILL be held accountable for anything he says and does. At one point he rushed over to the bars of his cell in a frenzy, spat at me, and attempted to grab my Bible (and, I assume, tear it to pieces). I think what may really be needed here is not a normal evangelization, but rather a full-blown exorcism! I intend to contact the Elders of our church and get their recommendations on a specialist to assist me. I shall return tomorrow to continue saving this wretched sinner from the evils that have so clearly overtaken him. I encourage all who read this to pray by both day and night for Shane McBride, as it will greatly assist me in doing the Lord's work and bringing this child of God back into the light of Goodness and Truth. - Joseph Blunder, Minister to the Heathen, candidate for the Parliament of Canada. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: GUEST,Officer Walsh, OPP Date: 07 Apr 11 - 05:58 PM This oughta be good. ;-D I am placing bets with the other officers on who gives out first, Shane or the preacher. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Amos Date: 07 Apr 11 - 08:09 PM THis was a put up job by Officer Dana, wasn't it? She's trying to let the boy down ge |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 07 Apr 11 - 08:12 PM Oh, dear. I think something just interrupted Amos in midstream. I hope it wasn't anything fatal, like the bite of the Black Mamba or a crashing 747. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Rapparee Date: 07 Apr 11 - 09:14 PM genitally? gentilely? gerbilly? What, oh what, was Amos' last word to be?? Inquiring Minds patiently await with bated breath! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:07 PM More importantly, what has happened to Amos? Is he still lucid? Conscious? Present? |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Donuel Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:25 PM mmmm how bout a sweat lodge? |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Rapparee Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:26 PM Rattlesnake bite, I 'spect. Them rattlers'll sneak up an' bite ya an' ya'll swell up like a pizen'd pup an' yer bit part will turn black an' fall plum off. Only thing'll cure it is drinkin' a mixture of gunpowder an' whiskey after you've gone an' kauterized the bite by settin' off a load o' gunpowder on it. 'Course, you kin always use a plaster o' fresh cowpie, too. Lotsa people swear by that 'cause it draws the pizen out. Ya gotta leave it on 'til it turns green, though. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Amos Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:58 PM ..let the boy down gently by siccing that parson on him, wasn't she? Kinda sweet of her not to just tell him to his face. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 07 Apr 11 - 11:03 PM Ah, good. You're okay. *** Well, I really like your advice on rattlesnakes, Rap, and I hope I never have to use it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: GUEST,Don McBride Date: 07 Apr 11 - 11:17 PM That sorry Christain fliphead Blunder has been harassin' Shane down at the lockup. He is outta his flippin' mind. That goes without sayin', eh? The little brother must be goin' through hell what with the cops on one hand with night sticks and Blunder on the other wavin' a flippin' Bible in his face. They must be tryin' to break him down so's he'll admit to all them crimes he is acysused of or maybe even volenteer to be a human sheild in Libya or somethin'! I know they got dark and evil plans to take advantage of my little brother and make him into, like, a slave for the systeme! They have gotta be stopped, eh? I will see if I can smuggel in some dirty magazines and maybe some weed so's Shane don't lose all hope. On the good side, I got $153.11 now to raise help fer Shane. The T-shirts are sellin' not bad. - Don |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Rapparee Date: 08 Apr 11 - 11:11 AM His help is now in the Lord, Don. He should repent, tell all, and embrace his punishment like a man (whining, screaming, and bitching about it, according to my wife). Otherwise Mr. Blunder and Co. might surround YOUR house and preach and pray for the boy there. How do you think you'll like being prayed over and preached to in relays, day after day and night after night, followed everywhere you go by someone preaching and praying atcha? Better he stay in jail, man. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Bob the Postman Date: 08 Apr 11 - 12:36 PM The parson he did come And he looked so flippin glum He can kiss my flippin bum (And give it lotsa tongue) God damn his eyes |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Bob the Postman Date: 08 Apr 11 - 12:39 PM The above is the latest post on Shane's Twitter feed. God knows where he's got the Blackberry stashed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 08 Apr 11 - 01:09 PM Maybe it's up his ass? |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 08 Apr 11 - 01:16 PM Throw the book at im rev! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Amos Date: 08 Apr 11 - 01:30 PM The ironies within ironies of the fictitious Shane being proselytized to accept a fictitious salvation from a fictitious deity, by a fictitious parson in a fictitious jai, are too delicious. It is like a Bavarian layer cake of the mind! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 08 Apr 11 - 01:53 PM Indeed, Amos. ;-) But if you stop for a moment to examine the ironies of the current political scene or the current financial scene in our society, you will find them rather similar in their multi-leveled unreality (even though based upon some kind of present reality)...and a lot less fun! ;-) You note that the nastier people on this forum do not bother with these fictitious story threads. They are too busy savaging each other and tearing each other's guts out on the political and religious threads...an activity which they regard as "meaningful", no doubt. I don't. I regard it as the fruitless bellowing and snarling of hungry egos intent on domination, and nothing more than that. It's like watching a bunch of dogs fighting over a piece of carrion. In any case, there's always a good place in life for fiction. It not only can entertain, it can also serve as metaphor to make us re-examine our own lives, is it not so? |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 08 Apr 11 - 06:32 PM Make it so. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Rapparee Date: 08 Apr 11 - 06:35 PM What! You DARE to believe that fiction has any relevance WHATSOEVER to our own lives? Have you considered that OUR LIVES might not have any relevance WHATSOEVER to fiction? In the meantime, come on all you boys and girls! Close your eyes and cross your fingers and say it together, louder and louder, until I DO believe in Shame! I DO believe in Shame! and so on. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Amos Date: 08 Apr 11 - 07:05 PM It is one of my great sorrows that my life has no overpowering meaning to Lazarus Long and his red-headed twin granddaughters; would that I could be the mainstay of all their happinesses!! ANd while I believe in shame as a tawdry mechanism of low-grade control by the mindless over the witless, I do not believe in Shane McBride. A |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 08 Apr 11 - 07:11 PM You aren't required to believe in him any more than you are required to believe in Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer, Don Quixote, or Willy Scopes. Just enjoy him, that's all. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Amos Date: 08 Apr 11 - 07:46 PM I never thought I was so required, LH!! It would be a silly position for me to take indeed! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 08 Apr 11 - 10:14 PM True. Almost as silly as taking the missionary position with a female moose or an ostrich...(you on top, I mean) |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Rapparee Date: 08 Apr 11 - 10:37 PM Poor old Shame, fluttering about in his cell, his light slowly fading...because AMOS won't believe in |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers Date: 09 Apr 11 - 04:49 PM May God bless you and your good work, Brother Blunder! No matter how long or how difficult the road, the work you have started upon it what the Lord expects from those who follow Him! Yes, perhaps a full exorcism is indeed in order, but be very careful as the Evil One has been known to turn on the exorcist! Yay, verily he will shout out sins you might have committed before Finding The Way, hoping to scandalize you before the world! You must hold fast to The Rock and know that The Pilot is guiding your ship through the storm into a peaceful and safe harbour. Go, Brother Blunder, and know that in doing This Work you are Blessed! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Dave the Gnome Date: 09 Apr 11 - 05:08 PM ...and they say the 'mericans don't understand irony. :D |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 09 Apr 11 - 05:36 PM Del here. Dale told me what was on the go an I come ta Moncton fer ta use gnu's internut so's I could put my 3 cents in. Used ta be 2 cents but that fucker, er, Harper, up there in Ottawa got that all fucked around and it's gonna go up again fer sure eh. Soooo... Hang on Jimbo! Ain't ye the fellah what used ta run the Staggers Inn? Yer a bootlegger ain't ye? Sold yer own shine too I recall before the J-Division a the Yella Stripes nailed ye and put ye away in minimum. Found religion eh wha? It's tha loike a you what gets that there poor good ol boy Shane up to ees arse in shit in the first place and then grabs coin from the gullible so's ye can minsiter to SAVE him. Whadda ye got goin here eh?... that there Blunder fellah on the payroll doin yer dirty work fer ye? Yer some slick sonovabitch ye are. Nice work if ya can get it eh. PS... Ye got any positions? Passin the plate er consolin young widows er wehatever? I ain't picky. Ah'm will ta go 30/70 if ye got a good rake eh. But just until I get the coin goin fer ye. Then we gotta talk about the cut. Let me know. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers Date: 09 Apr 11 - 05:51 PM Sir! I am nothing of the kind! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: JennieG Date: 09 Apr 11 - 06:29 PM What a wonderful movie title...."The Salvation of Shane McBride".....has Hollywood come knocking on Shane's door yet? With so much reality TV around nowadays, will Shane's salvation (or Sal's shanevation) be filmed while it really happens, so the rest of the world can see and learn from his experiences? No doubt Winona could undertake to play the part of Officer Jennifer Dana. Shane will probably play himself. Don likewise. Cheers JennieG |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 09 Apr 11 - 07:46 PM Winona? She ain't got no bones eh. Ye needs a WOMAN what can cope with the good ol boys when they get outta line. She just don't play the part fer me. As fer Shane playin himself? He may as well be playin with himself. Ye needs a real good ol boy... an actual human bean. Dale would sign on fer beer and a moose tag. I am his agent and he is available. So is Del. Unfortunately, Johnny, the youngest brother, is embroiled in an "insurance claim" kinda deal so he's a risk at best. Anyway, LH knows all about my ahh, err, aquaintenances up Kent County, and I am sure if he gets a movie deal he'll cast this epic with real people, reeeal cheap. I'd even be willin ta make a cameo on accounta I am part good ol boy. Even at my age, I can still keep tight lines and shoot straight... iffin that fits in with them big city boys like Shane. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 09 Apr 11 - 07:52 PM Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy... admit and repent and beg for your salvation before the video gets on You Tube. Your flock is sure to flock off if you follow the evil path of deceit. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Rapparee Date: 09 Apr 11 - 09:07 PM Ah do think he's done gone and been OFFended. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 09 Apr 11 - 11:56 PM The movie idea is superb! But Winona isn't the right type to play Officer Dana. She's not tall enough and a bit too delicate. Angelina Jolie would make a fine Officer Dana, but even better would be an athletic blonde actress. I can't think who exactly, but we need someone who's tall, blonde, and pretty, comes off as a smart girl, no bimbo, and also really looks like she can take care of herself in a dangerous situation. Anyone got suggestions? I got word through the grapevine. The cops are allowing Reverend Blunder to come in once a day and minister to Shane, but they have absolutely ruled out the conducting of an exorcism. It's not allowed in a Canadian penal institution. Perhaps if Shane could get transferred to some religious facility at some point, then it could go ahead, but not in his present accomodations. I wonder if the Jesuits still have a dungeon somewhere in Canada where that sort of thing can be done under proper supervision? |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 10 Apr 11 - 06:04 AM Athletic blonde... you read my mind. It's obvious! Officer Karen. Transferred? What about Mount Cashel Orphanage? |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 10 Apr 11 - 02:56 PM Great idea, gnu! I bet they'd love to take over the job of "saving" Shane. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 10 Apr 11 - 03:11 PM Be a good move for Shane. Lotta money to be made in sodomy, depending which end your on. Yeah, intended... in more than one way. >;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: GUEST,Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers Date: 10 Apr 11 - 05:38 PM Unfortunate. The young man is obviously possessed. I have written and asked Mr. Blunder if he might get a group together who would pray over this poor, unfortunate, soul all day and night for as long as it takes to awaken him and to set him upon the Right Path. I truly feel that this is a desperate case and calls for the most extreme measures to bring this soul to salvation. Indeed, some techniques used by the Papists in years past might well be applied here if all else fails. Rome might be the home of the Devil, but we can use some of the Devil's own methods to snatch souls from him. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 10 Apr 11 - 05:43 PM "Rome might be the home of the Devil..." Yer goin ta hell Jimbob. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Little Hawk Date: 10 Apr 11 - 05:53 PM Oh, dear. It appears that some doctrinal differences are coming up here. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 10 Apr 11 - 05:57 PM Whats doctors got ta do with it? |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: JennieG Date: 10 Apr 11 - 06:01 PM Gnu, Officer Karen definitely! I'm sure she could show Shane a thing or two. Cheers JennieG |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 10 Apr 11 - 09:07 PM I wish she'd show me everything... I have had a crush on her since I saw her on TV the first time. Maybe that's why I was thinkin blonde and.... her. Sigh... I AM a dirty old man. But, for good reason. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: GUEST,Brother Dismas Fiacre Date: 10 Apr 11 - 09:07 PM Jailed? Thrown in with criminals, as Our Lord was? Perhaps he will see the similarity and be humble enough to offer up his punishment. It will certainly shorten his time in Purgatory and, with true repentance (not the showy, false kind some preach) he can eventually join the Body of Christ and eventually sing praises 'round the Heavenly Throne. For there is room in God's love and mercy for all, even the Rev. Jimmy Lee Staggers. I shall begin a novena for all involved: Mr. Blunder, Shane McBride, and the Rev. Staggers. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Rapparee Date: 10 Apr 11 - 11:39 PM Heavens to Betsy. The Catholics vs. the Evangelicals vs. Shame McBride. Place your bets now, folks, on the greatest race of this or any other century! Right now it's even odds, but just be patient! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: JennieG Date: 11 Apr 11 - 01:37 AM Rev Jimmy Lee Staggers? is he the one whose wife was....er......with one of his male parishioners? or was he.....er.......with one of his female flock? I remember the scandal, not the participants. If such is the case, then who is he to cast the first stone at poor Shane? Cheers JennieG |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: gnu Date: 11 Apr 11 - 06:06 AM But, is the stone loaded? According to Canuck law, it don't make no nevermind. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Rapparee Date: 11 Apr 11 - 10:31 AM I'll do it. No problem. Just hand me that rock right over there and let's get started. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Rapparee Date: 11 Apr 11 - 09:39 PM Come to think about it, why do I care whether or not Shame is "saved"? He's a drunken fool of a moronic waste of good protoplasm and might well be the single reasons freds are thinking about putting this planet off-limits. He chose his life, has never shown any sign of attempting to better himself or pull himself up out of the gutter he sprawls in, and so why should anyone care about him is beyond me. Were he actually human I might feel otherwise, but he's never shown any signs of humanity. Forget about him, let him rot in a jail (or gaol) cell. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Salvation of Shane McBride From: Gurney Date: 12 Apr 11 - 01:39 AM Hand you the rock, Rap? And you wearing gloves? There may be greenies here, but are they THAT green? |
