BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 08:16 AM

Reminded of this one by something in another thread. Sent to me when I was converting our barn and discussing types of insulation.

Kite Insulations, an off-shoot of the Eden Centre Bio-Dome project, have just launched a new insulation material which is even more eco-friendly than Warmcel or sheep's wool.

It is a naturally occurring product which is already grown and harvested around the world. Within the protected and enhanced environment of the Bio-Dome it will be possible to harvest at least 4 crops per annum.

As well as extensive use in the pharmaceutical, clothing and paper industries, Indian Hemp has now found a new use as a highly effective insulating material.

The entire plant is chopped up, dried, treated for non-combustibility like Warmcel and delivered to site in shrink wrapped, rigid brown slabs.

When packed into the walls, floors and roof of new homes the owners report:

* the comfort factor as "very high"
* a relaxed atmosphere
* less family tension
* relief from aching joints

Kite accuse their detractors of wild imaginings and fear based upon a lack of practical experience of their product.

Kite claim their product will give the highest u-values ever. It is also the only insulation with a built in eco-friendly smoke detector - when exposed to fire it smoulders without catching fire, giving off a very distinctive "sweet" odour which rapidly fills the home.

At the end of the buildings life the insulation can be fully recycled and is expected to be worth many times its original cost as a reusable product.

Warmcel have already threatened to stop buying the remaindered Jeffrey Archer novels and old Yellow Pages they recycle and sell back to us as insulation. This could have severe implications for the land fill sector which will now have to cope with so much extra rubbish.

Kite are looking for customers to enter into joint developments and having tried the product a spokesman for BRE and the Agrement Board said he was "very relaxed about the whole idea".


Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,HuwG at work
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 08:29 AM

"Where are you taking the trash, Tonto ?"
"To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump, to the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump..."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 03:47 PM

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone."I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Feb 08 - 03:53 PM

Boss to worker.."Where were you most of the afternoon?"

Worker: "I went to get a haircut."

"On company time?"

"It grew on company time."

"It didn't all grow on company time."

"I didn't get it all cut off."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Feb 08 - 12:12 PM

Boss to employee. Jones, you've been with us 20 years, you've never been late, done your work conscientiously, always done overtime when requested, never nicked holidays,never complained, always been polite.

Jones - what's your angle?



   Ivor


saw that once in a UK newspaper as a pocket cartoon.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Feb 08 - 05:13 PM

Come Starboard"

A young man who wanted to see the world signed
on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.
He mastered the classroom instruction, then started
his practical training on the wheel of the vessel.

In his first lesson, the mate gave him a heading,
and the young fellow held to it.

Then the mate ordered, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard
is, the young man left the helm and walked over to
his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as
the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently
considering the circumstance, he asked politely,

"Could you bring the ship with you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 06:32 AM

Just reminded me of a moment in a Goon Show.

Eccles: Laaaaaaaand ahoyyyyyyyy¬!! (Crashhhhhh!!) Oh. I should have said that sooner.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 09:19 AM

The local United Way chapter realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thought for a minute and replied, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way Rep mumbled, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly, said the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way Rep begins to stammer an apology.....

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way Rep, completely beaten, said, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer said, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Newport Boy
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 11:25 AM

As the old proverb says:

It's easier for a rich man to enter a camel than pass a needle.


Or something like that.

Phil

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 12:14 PM

The young British mage, Harry Potter,
Though brilliant, was sort of a rotter;
And especially fond
Of using his wand
To impregnate some poor muggle's daughter.

I made that up myself! Am I to be pitied or censored?

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 16 Feb 08 - 12:59 PM

Great one Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 17 Feb 08 - 04:37 AM

Two women talking.

So how many children have you got?

No children yet.

So what do you do for aggravation?




          A favourite of my Mum's.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 17 Feb 08 - 08:53 AM

After the Six-Day War, two Arabs are gloomily discussing the poor showing of their armies.

Why do you think we did so badly? Was it the Russian weapoms?

No the weapons were excellent. No it was the Russian military textbooks that let us down.

What did they say?

Retreat, draw the enemy onto your territory. Then wait for the winter snows.............



      xx      xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


The other was a true news item from the other week on telly.

To understand it you have to know that The Bench means where magistrates sit; and in football, it's where the substitutes sit during matches.

The news said in effect, about a player who was charged with assault;- His bail has been amended, and tomorrow, he'll be on the bench.

i thought boy,I'd really like to see those bail conditions.


   Ivor


    Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: wlisk
Date: 18 Feb 08 - 10:16 AM

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes
the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one
of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little
childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the
violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Feb 08 - 10:33 AM

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

    If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

    My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

    My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

    My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

    It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

    But here's the worst of it --


    Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....

    either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 10:03 AM

Another one on Political Correctness.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3 He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - it's "REAR
CLEAVAGE."


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 12:45 PM

Oh the one about men getting lost all the time reminds me.

Q. Why did rhe Children of Israel spend 40 years traipsing thru the desert?

A. Cos their leaders wouldn't ask for directions.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 03:38 PM

REDHEAD   
    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
    redhead sitting at the next table.   He has been checking her out
    since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
    socket toward the man.

    He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
    back.

    "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back
    in place.

    "I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your
    dinner to make it up to you," she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
    the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares
    her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
    come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

    They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the
    trimmings . The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything
    had been SO incredible!

    "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this
    nice to every guy you meet? "

    "No," she replies. . . . .
      
      
    ...
      

      
    ...


    "You just happened to catch my eye."
      
    (Oh be quiet!)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 05:07 PM

POSSIBLY THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 08 - 07:55 PM

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My goodness!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 09:20 AM

"Tired Dog"

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that
he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall,
and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position
in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued
for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned
to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM

It's easy to find out if someone is Jewish. You just ask them their cholesteral level. If they tell you, they're Jewish. All Jews know it.      Jackie Mason.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Man goes into a sex shops and apparently asks for a blow-up doll.(I wasn't there so can't confirm that.) The assistant asks,"Do you want a Christian doll or a Muslim one?". The man asks, "What's the difference?"            The assistant says,"The Muslim one blows itself up."                Anon.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Two guys arrived at my door and said they wanted to talk to me about Jesus. "Oh no," I said,"What's He done now?"   Kevin McAleer.



   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Gentile Cholesterol
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 12:21 PM

Well, I know my Cholesterol level, and I ain't Jewish. Here's a Chicken-and-Egg one; the hen looked at the scrambled egg and called it "just a crazy mixed-up kid". And an Emo one that has to be told slowly and carefully:

"I was making out with this really great babe last night. Yep, from the way she was responding to my advances, you'd have sworn she was
conscious. Aah! From the top of her head right down to the tag on her toe.." (at which point the audience, predictably, erupts)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 01:04 PM

It. Was A. Remnant. Of. Joke. :-)


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: peterfirth
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 05:21 PM

An Australian bloke had just finished making love with his Thai girlfriend. She reached over and started fondling his genitals. "You like doing that?" he asked. "Sure do," she said, "I really miss playing with mine."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Feb 08 - 08:11 PM

LOL, bpeterfirth and ROFLMAO anon. via autolycus (whose name, I'm sorry to have to admit, I've been {mis}pronouncing Autoclytus all these years and didn't realize I was wrong till I just tried to type it and what I wrote didn't match, so I had to go back for a letter-by-letter read, sorry, autolycus!)!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 21 Feb 08 - 01:52 AM

No prob, Mrrzy. Of course, I never play with m.........hang on, I'm in public - so sorry.

I personally like jok...no, feedback on jokes,know what's going down well, 'n' all.


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Feb 08 - 11:18 AM

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Feb 08 - 11:20 AM

"Clarification"

If you've ever wanted a child to not bear his/her
testimony, (an LDS Church practice) you'll
appreciate this one!! At a recent testimony
meeting, a five-year-old little girl stood up
and bore her testimony. After mentioning
everyone and everything she was thankful for,
she ended with this: "I am especially grateful
that our house has been much happier since
our family stopped using The "S-word" and
the "F-word."

As the little girl proudly walked back to her seat,
nobody could say a word. Needless to say they
were a little shocked by what the stake
president's daughter had just said.

Quickly, the red-faced stake president stood up,
smiled shyly, and went to the podium. "I feel I
should make a clarification as to what my daughter
meant. In our house the "S-word" is Shut-up
and the "F-word" is Fart."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 21 Feb 08 - 02:25 PM

(Thread drift -- not a joke.)
When my son was little, he thought "stupid" was a bad word, so he might well have thought it was the "s-word." His day care provider had emphatically taught all her charges that it was not allowed to call another kid stupid--which I totally support. Probably more damage has been done by calling kids "stupid" than by swearing at them.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 08 - 10:19 AM

Have you ever tried to publish anything?

Dear Journal Editor, It's Me Again
By Roy F. Baumeister

Dear Sir, Madame, or Other:

Enclosed is our latest version of MS# 85-02-02-22-RRRRR, that is, the re-re-re-revised revision of our paper. Choke on it. We have again rewritten the entire manuscript from start to finish. We even changed the goddam running head! Hopefully we have suffered enough by now to satisfy even you and your bloodthirsty reviewers.

I shall skip the usual point-by-point description of every single change we made in response to the critiques. After all, its fairly clear that your reviewers are less interested in details of scientific procedure than in working out their personality problems and sexual frustrations by seeking some kind of demented glee in the sadistic and arbitrary exercise of tyrannical power over hapless authors like ourselves who happen to fall into their clutches. We do understand that, in view of the misanthropic psychopaths you have on your editorial board, you need to keep sending them papers, for if they weren't reviewing manuscripts they'd probably be out mugging old ladies or clubbing baby seals to death. Still, from this batch of reviewers, C was clearly the most hostile, and we request that you not ask him or her to review this revision. Indeed, we have mailed letter bombs to four or five people we suspected of being reviewer C, so if you send the manuscript back to them the review process could be unduly delayed.

Some of the reviewers' comments we couldn't do anything about. For example, if (as reviewer C suggested) several of my recent ancestors were indeed drawn from other species, it is too late to change that. Other suggestions were implemented, however, and the paper has improved and benefited. Thus, you suggested that we shorten the manuscript by 5 pages, and we were able to accomplish this very effectively by altering the margins and printing the paper in a different font with a smaller typeface. We agree with you that the paper is much better this way.

One perplexing problem was dealing with suggestions # 13-28 by Reviewer B. As you may recall (that is, if you even bother reading the reviews before doing your decision letter), that reviewer listed 16 works that he/she felt we should cite in this paper. These were on a variety of different topics, none of which had any relevance to our work that we could see. Indeed, one was an essay on the Spanish-American War from a high school literary magazine. The only common thread was that all 16 were by the same author, presumably someone whom Reviewer B greatly admires and feels should be more widely cited. To handle this, we have modified the Introduction and added, after the review of relevant literature, a subsection entitled "Review of Irrelevant Literature" that discusses these articles and also duly addresses some of the more asinine suggestions in the other reviews.

We hope that you will be pleased with this revision and will finally recognize how urgently deserving of publication this work is. If not, then you are an unscrupulous, depraved monster with no shred of human decency. You ought to be in a cage. May whatever heritage you come from be the butt of the next round of ethnic jokes. If you do accept it, however, we wish to thank you for your patience and wisdom throughout this process and to express our appreciation of your scholarly insights. To repay you, we would be happy to review some manuscripts for you; please send us the next manuscript that any of these reviewers submits to your journal.

Assuming you accept this paper, we would also like to add a footnote acknowledging your help with this manuscript and to point out that we liked the paper much better the way we originally wrote it, but you held the editorial shotgun to our heads and forced us chop, reshuffle, restate, hedge expand, shorten, and in general covert a meaty paper into stir-fried vegetables. We couldn't or wouldn't have done it without your input.

Sincerely,
(your name here)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 Feb 08 - 11:40 AM

(Thread drift -- not a joke.)
When my son was little, he thought "stupid" was a bad word, so he might well have thought it was the "s-word." His day care provider had emphatically taught all her charges that it was not allowed to call another kid stupid--which I totally support. Probably more damage has been done by calling kids "stupid" than by swearing at them.

Some years back, we played an outdoor gig at the local farmers' market. So Mizchuck sings Lou and Peter Berryman's "A Chat With Your Mother" (the one that everyone always calls "The F-word Song). Afterwords some lady (I give her the benefit of the doubt) comes up and complains that that song is unsuitable for a family audience. Kris says, "But there are no bad words in it at all! That's the whole point of it!" The woman says "Yes, but what if my child should ask what the F-word is? What would I tell him?" Kris asks how old the kid is, woman says he's in kindergarten. Kris says, "He Knows." Woman went away.

I'd have been tempted to answer her with eight words, the last six of which would be "...if you can't take a joke." But that's why we let Kris do our PR.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 06:22 PM

One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother, who is four years older than me. I was maybe one and a half-years-old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and a lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. She then said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: frogprince
Date: 23 Feb 08 - 10:02 PM

Uncle Dave, an old family friend, a pastor's wife, was entertaining a group of ladies at her home, and they were too involved in something to reflect on the fact that a toddler was bringing them all drinks of water. Same story; all dipped out of the john.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 07:40 AM

Value for money the Aussie way

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 10:04 AM

"Running a Business"

There was this man who, many years ago,
worked for a large business. That was his
lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy
there. He wanted to go in business for
himself. He saved his money and finally
had enough that he could quit and start his
own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and
was going through the town where his
business was located. I stopped by for a
visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year
is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we
are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting
to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think
about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't
matter which twelve hours you work."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 24 Feb 08 - 05:35 PM

Bloke says to his wife. "D'ye fancy tryin' the missionary position tonight?"

She says, "Aye! What de we do?"

He says, Well aah just lie here and you p*ss off to Africa!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 03:53 AM

While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, a doctor asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


   A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers!   Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"


Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.
One week later, 'The Kerrymen,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Driscoll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Splott Man
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 05:39 AM

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he would start by working his way across England from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the Englishman.

He then travelled to Salisbury, Leeds, Carlisle and Newcastle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same telephone. He arrived in Cardiff and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this ime the sign under it read '40p per call.'

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call'!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 06:48 AM

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 08:46 AM

"Business 101"

We turned this team around 360 degrees.

We specialize in accurate interpretation of your
pathetically unclear and dismally vague
description of what you think you want.

If we learn from our mistakes, I'm getting a fantastic
education.

His ignorance was encyclopedic.

Don't hesitate to give out advice; it passes time,
and nobody will notice it anyhow.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.

There is nothing as permanent as a temporary
worker.

Chaos, panic, & disorder; my work here is done.
(Consultant's creed)

No one is funnier than people who take themselves
too seriously.

Love your enemies in case your business
acquaintances turn out to be a bunch of bastards

I've made so many lateral moves in my company,
I'm beside myself.

There are moments when everything goes well;
don't be frightened, it won't last.

They always told me I wouldn't amount to anything
because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait.'

My cup's been run over.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Feb 08 - 03:07 PM

5 engineers and 5 mathematicians need to travel to a distant town.
They all meet up at the train station. They go to the ticket office. The mathematicians buy 5 tickets. And then watch in astonishment as the engineers buy just one tickets.
The mathematicians ask the engineers how this could work out. The engineers reply: "wait and see!".

They all get on the train. After some time one of the engineers spots the conductor approaching, so he informs the other engineers. They all head for the toilet and get in.

The conductor checks the mathematicians' tickets, then proceeds, stopping at the toilet noticing the "occupied" sign. So he knocks on the door, calls "Ticket please"! One of the engineers pushes the ticket outside at the bottom of the door. The conductor checks it, pushes the ticket back inside with a "Thank you!".

The mathematicians are very impressed by the engineers' cleverness.

So a few days later, they all gather again at the train station for going back home. The mathematicians remember what the engineers did for tickets a few days ago and now buy just one ticket, and are very surprised as the engineers do not buy a ticket at all!

The mathematicians ask the engineers how this could work out. The
engineers reply: "wait and see!".

Again they are in the train, and one of the mathematicians spots the approaching conductor. So the engineers vanish in one toilet, the mathematicians in the other. Just after the last mathematicians disappeared, one of the engineers comes back out of the engineers' toilet, goes to the mathematicians toilets, knocks and says "Ticket please!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 12:00 PM

A rabbi, a priest and an imam were on a train,playingpoker. And that despite the fact that the train company regulations farbade gambling.

They hear the ticket inspector approaching and hurriedly put the cards away just as the inspector opens the door. He;s suspicious, and askes the Imam if he has just been gambling. The Imam does what Imam's do and says he wasn't.

The inspector turns to the priest with the same question. The latter looks up, prays and says he hasn't been gambling either.

The inspector asks the rabbi if he was. The rabbi replies,"Who with?"


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Feb 08 - 03:41 PM

Moses descends from his meeting on high, and he tells the Children of Israel,

"I've got good news and bad news.


"The good news is that I've got it down to 10.


"The bad news is that adultery is still in."



   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 29 Feb 08 - 09:31 AM

Received these froma Scottish friend ( the birdwoman of Kalymnos):
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
> 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
> 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
> 'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
>
> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
> 'Govan,' she replies.
>
> What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..?
> Oor Wullie.
>
> A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
> 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
> 'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

Roger
> 'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke
>
> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's
awa' noo.
>
> After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.
> 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
> 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
>
> Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
> Coo eight.
>
> Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
> Which one's a Musketeer?
> The dark tan yin.
>
> A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
> his sister from a telephone box.             So he
> calls the operator who asks in a plummy
> voice:
> 'Is there money in the box?
> 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
>
> While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
> 'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
> And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
>
> What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
> Hawkeye The Noo.
>
> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A
skean dhu.
>
> How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
>
> A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there
is
> a
> lace missing.
> 'No,' argues the assistant,
> 'look at the label - it says Taiwan .
>
> 'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen
sheep
> farmer?
> The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
> And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
>
> 'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
> A wee fly b*****d.
>
> Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for

> the toilets at Waverley Station?
> It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
>
> What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle
accident?
> The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
>
> Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
> Because the chef was Lou Ping.
>
> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
>
> Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make
> a
> negative - 'Aye right.'
>
> A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street
when
> he
> spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
> 'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
> 'Piston broke,' he replies.
> 'Aye, same as masel...


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 29 Feb 08 - 04:49 PM

Hey! How come Pakistan hasn't organised an earth-quake appeal for England???

Just wait till they have their next one!! They'll get nowt from me!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,strad
Date: 29 Feb 08 - 05:16 PM

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Mar 08 - 08:34 AM

"Golf Clubs"

Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did
I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the
first lady asked her friend.

"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied,
"How's he doing?"

"Evidently, very well," said the first lady.

"He's only played three times, but his friends tell
me that he's already throwing his clubs as far
as men who've been playing the game for years!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Mar 08 - 03:59 PM

A SPECIAL POEM

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I'd really like to know
Is what tells each one where to go!



There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take
time to look for it. For example I am sitting here
thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 08 - 04:25 PM

"A Frickin' Elephant"

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at
a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does.

'A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?