BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 09:09 AM

Preserve the contentment of your selected community. People who gossip about other people's issues are generally less interesting than people who discuss ideas. You can change the subject yourself or be disinterested in the gossip/accusations. Influencers come and go. Water will eventually find its own level in your positive community of choice, so don't let yourself become intimidated. There are issues worth fighting for, but this doesn't sound like trouble worth fighting. Nobody is perfect. Let a blip be a blip.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 10:17 AM

The library I retired from had horrible management the last few years. And at one point people from the administration office went to some kind of retreat that involved sharing personal stuff and it would somehow engender good feelings. With no background they started running those kinds of sessions in our regular meeting room, and asking people to share deep dark secrets. A department co-worker had signed up thinking it was required and I remember advising them to back out, that they had no business trying to run something like that. Others must have expressed the same concern because those sessions vanished off of the calendar. Even with the best of intentions those things can go awry. You said your nosy neighbor runs a weekly happy hour? Is there some other event you can participate in, or arrange informally, to meet some of the others in your community? You said you aren't playing piano any more, but if you were, would people join in singing?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 04:07 PM

Talking about finding a group activity reminds me of some detective fiction books I read recently about a group of people living in a retirement village who start investigating a crime and then the next books are each about a new crime.

Richard Osman Thursday Murder Club series. I have read the first two. I'll have to find copies of the other three. They are a gentle, fun read - except for the crime part, of course.

SRS, your story reminds me of a flaky manager - long story, she wasn't management material - who decided to run mindfulness sessions when the unit was under pressure about being relocated 50 miles away. Not many attended and the sessions fizzled out. (My comment about her would be that she needed a mind before she could be mindful, and she tended to skim the surface of anything she was supposedly "learning" so her interpretation of mindfulness would be unlikely to relate to the actual concept.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 06:12 PM

Indeed, SRS, there are many other events going on that I can look into and participate in, although if they are in the morning then I have conflicts in my schedule.

As for music, there is already a musician leading singing in the community at regular times; he conducts singing, and he has an accompanist who works with him. He is always looking for new singers. I am not aware if my nosy neighbor is or is not part of the singing group. But this is something that might fit into my schedule ... or not ... I will have to see. I think the group, like my chorus, had the summer off. But they ought to start meeting up again.

As to my chorus, they resume a week after Labor Day, which is in no time at all.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 Aug 25 - 11:10 PM

I shipped 3 pounds of okra to a friend but the UPSP was so slow, even on Priority mail, that most of it spoiled before it got there. The post office used to ship the more expensive mail faster, now it just says "gotcha" if you're silly enough to pay more for the same slow service all other parcels get.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Aug 25 - 10:21 AM

Getting things shipped in a hurry: I remember reading about the touring theatrical company who had difficulties ensuring their costume and/or props hamper arrived (by rail iirc) before the performance. Their solution was to write FISH in large, friendly letters on the hamper.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 31 Aug 25 - 08:34 PM

I overheard something a little chilling tonight.

In the parlor by the retirement community library, I was reading a book.
Two women sat down on a couch nearby and began talking earnestly, as though I were not there to hear.
One of the women claimed that she has been robbed twice since she moved here, describing what was taken -- jewelry, of course.
Somewhere in the conversation, the other woman remarked, "There are no secrets at [the retirement community]."
I haven't any jewelry to be robbed of. I don't dress that way;
the woman in question does dress up, though, especially for dinner.

I have days when I feel sorry for myself. I don't, after hearing that.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 03:44 PM

The nosy woman is back and she is doing her best to negotiate terms, so to speak.
I have let her know that she told me too much and I was unhappy about it.
She wants to apologize and get hugs and stroke me some more, literally.
I keep saying no to the hugs and the stroking.

This is a deeply needy person and all the times that I was being polite to her, she somehow found me attractive, and now she wants to give me special treatment.
It's all very creepy. She's an old lady and I don't see her changing.

I'm afraid the only way to deal with her coming after me and wanting my attention is to keep saying no and to be firm,
and accept that she negotiates and pushes. It's how she goes through life.
From one point of view she is harmless, and she would protest vehemently that she is harmless, I'm sure.
But we are practically neighbors and we cannot avoid crossing paths in the hallway.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 04:28 PM

Stay firm and determined to keep your own space. No means no, thanks but no thanks.

It brings to my mind the coercive control type of behaviour and part of that is being nice just to get her own way.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 04:46 PM

Try talking about folk music - specifically, "what is folk?". If her eyes start to glaze over, you shouldn't have any more trouble.
;-)

DC

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 05:31 PM

well said, Doug!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 06:10 PM

That's a great strategy, Doug!!

Or maybe start expounding on the deep technicalities of playing classical music, similar to listening to an IT person at a dinner party explaining a specific technical aspect of their work in great depth and which no-one else understands except superficially. :-D

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 06:54 PM

When a friendship starts organically there is usually a lot of sharing and comparing, but only if the feelings are mutual. What kinds of subjects does she broach? Things that all tie back to her? Or is she drilling you?

Why is she not reading or is ignoring your signals that you're not interested? Does she have other friends in the community?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: pattyClink
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 10:04 PM

Oh dear, I have met people like this. They collect and trade in gossip, and they will interview you, debrief you, and confide and pry until they get all they can get. Often they literally have no interests except being a 'people person'. The worst one I had to deal with, I had to simply stop saying anything but hello to, if I saw her in the neighborhood.

If I had to interact, I guess I'd do like keberoxu has done, explain that I don't want to get so personal. Then there are evergreen responses to keep handy, like "why on earth would you ask that?" "I'm just trying to mind my own business", dead silence, and walking away.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Sep 25 - 04:54 PM

Keb, how are you sleeping now? Is the new mattress comfortable enough to forget about it and just go to sleep?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 Sep 25 - 05:09 PM

Sweet of you to ask, SRS. I am sleeping tolerably well now, although, maybe it's age, but it takes me longer to get to sleep these nights. The new mattress is an improvement. I just am struggling still to get used to sleeping in what still seems a new place. I have taken to leaving a light on, like a night light, and it seems to help me to feel comfortable enough to relax into sleeping.

The nosy neighbor is behaving herself since I told her, the one time, that she told me too much. Maybe there will be tension again in the future, but for now she is keeping a decent distance. I believe I can respond, in the future, without getting so upset as before.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Sep 25 - 07:59 PM

Argh, I shoild hang here more. Back on meds for anxiety * and* depression, more things going wrong in the world.

I'm a lot better when things are fine...

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Sep 25 - 04:26 PM

You have a lot of company, Mrrzy. Hang in there!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 Sep 25 - 05:39 PM

Mrrzy, yup. The stress of all of this chaos brought back the PMR and I'm back on the meds - when you're trying not to worry about worrying too much and bringing it back, there's a cycle to break. Good luck to you, and for recognizing what was happening and getting treatment when needed.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 17 Sep 25 - 06:01 PM

In July I went to a theater to see Tennessee William's Camino Real;
I touched upon the event briefly in this thread.

At the retirement community, the monthly newsletter has resumed
which was on summer break.

I'm going to submit a review of the performance I saw,
and see if the newsletter will print it.
I just wrote the first draft today,
and I will get a copy to the associate editor;
the chief editor is away on vacation or something.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Sep 25 - 06:56 PM

That sounds interesting. Is it a printed newsletter or email? On a web page? This will undoubtedly bring you to the attention of like-minded individuals in the community. Are there any music events you might review or promote? I see a great potential for you in cultivating a group of friends. Congratulations on possibly cracking the code to get to know people there.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 17 Sep 25 - 07:22 PM

That could be a really good avenue of activity for you to get into keberoxu, and you can make some good contacts in your community as well. :-)

sorry to bring down the positive atmosphere, but my current social situation is down in the dumps.

Simultaneously I lost social contact with my weekly friendly music session which unfortunately broke up after over 40 years of playing together, the fortnightly donation of plasma which is as much of a social contact as it is a good deed for others, and my monthly catch-up lunches with old school friends, and that also meant not seeing my sister regularly - "we're Irish twins" but ended up in the same year at school. Today I get to catch up with them all again. Yay!

The cause of the music group break-up was complicated and I still see some of them at a pub session once a month but I don't play my harp there because it is a bit daunting playing in front of strangers and some very clever musicians.

The plasma donations had to be delayed until I had a medical procedure and I now have the all-clear from that but I have to wait for the doctor to give permission re my blood iron levels. Hubby had a couple more of his never-ending medical "adventures" so that's why I missed the "Girls' lunches". Very old "girls" now!

Yesterday I finally had a catch-up with a music friend I have known for over 50 years but she is in a traumatic relationship and I try not to tell her what to do but I lost my cool a bit this time and drove home feeling angry and frustrated. F***ing coercive control!! @#$%!!

I told her I would go and tell him where to go myself. She didn't take me up on the offer. She'll keep putting up with it until it kills her. She already looks very old and unhealthy, even since the last time I saw her a couple of months ago.

Knowing how your life is turning around positively at your retirement village, keb, I have tried to convince my friend to find a place like that. One of the real advantages would be not having to work on maintaining her house and garden. That would all be done by the staff at the village. I have my fingers crossed that she might finally take the plunge on that idea.

I expect my social life will turn around to a more positive, healthy phase but ... in the meantime, I keep thinking that the best way to go downhill mentally is to lose your social contacts and the activities which keep your brain active, e.g. playing music with friends.

I live in hope.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Sep 25 - 07:32 PM

When my kids were small, but old enough to understand, I told them that if something was happening at our house that made them want to run away, please go to a friend's house that was safe, and we'd work everything out from there. In high school my daughter reminded me of that and asked if it worked in reverse - could a friend who felt the need to leave come to our house? Yes! That is essential, to keep them safe. The friend who might have come over never did; it may have been enough to know that another family could support her if she needed it.

That said, I wonder if your friend would like some time away, to go over to your house for a sleepover visit? Or find an excuse for a brief road trip in the area to give them breathing space and her a chance to share if so inclined?

Relationship trauma can happen at any age. Is theirs a relationship of long-standing (and the trouble may be due to dementia, etc.) or a new relationship? That might make a difference.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 17 Sep 25 - 08:23 PM

They have been together 25 years. He is a controlling personality, and as far as I know he has always been that way. The one piece of good news is that she lives in her own house and he lives in his house but he still invades her personal space and uses his coercive control tricks to manipulate her.

I have been trying to talk to her about this for a couple of years now and she has taken some steps to understand the situation but I am beginning to think that she will never take the final steps to send him on his way, out of her life.

I'm an action person. I don't cope well when I am standing by and watching someone else who is letting her own life slowly but surely go down the toilet. She seems to think it is all inevitable.

Very frustrating to watch from the sidelines - and very difficult to stop myself from jumping in and taking positive action.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Sep 25 - 11:23 AM

From April 2024, the last we heard from Senoufou on that Stay Afloat thread:

Thank you keberoxu for your kind enquiry. I'm still waiting for my operation, but the Norfolk & Norwich hospital is snowed under with a long list of patients awaiting their operations. Apparently it could be around 18 weeks before they get in touch. Meanwhile I'm in quite a bit of pain but hey-ho, what can one do?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Sep 25 - 05:24 PM

The chorus I sing in, includes a married couple, a soprano and a baritone. I am friends with the soprano, we generally end up standing next to each other.

Sadly, the husband was diagnosed, within the last year, with Lewy body dementia, which the wife says is similar to Parkinson's. His symptoms aren't all that bad at this point, but it is only a matter of time until things get worse.

The soprano/wife has done a smart thing and she has found herself a support group for caregivers. The group meets, interestingly enough, at my retirement community, which has a memory-care unit of its own.

This is a very loving, devoted couple, so it's really tragic. They have family, though. It's the second marriage for both, and the husband has several grown children from his first marriage, who get along comfortably with my friend, his current wife. So it is to be hoped that everyone will support this couple through what will probably be an increasingly difficult time in their lives.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Sep 25 - 08:00 PM

keberoxu, they sound like a delightful couple and I'm glad they are your friends. You and Helen have good friends who need supportive friends, and I'm glad that you're both there for a source of rational support.

Family dynamics can be terrific or they can be brutal. Who owns the house or has the right to live in it can't always withstand pressure of heirs, something I've seen play out in painful ways. Sometimes all it takes is one malcontent amongst the children to make everything horrible (my youngest brother comes to mind in our father's estate). Never assume people will behave themselves. I hope they have everything etched in stone now. I'm really sorry to insert that note of caution, but she needs to protect herself.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Sep 25 - 11:28 PM

With a handful of items being returned to the fridge at dinnertime, the slim bottle of Tapatio hot sauce slipped from my grasp and hit the floor with the edge of the base. The lid end was still intact with much of the bottle, but a segment of it burst into fragments in all directions. Small bottle, amazing amount of glass. And I was still picking them up after scooping (sauce), mopping, and finally sweeping.

What do you want to bet that either tomorrow or six weeks from now a bright large piece will be somewhere on the floor for me to find and know exactly where it came from. And does this mean I can't go barefoot in the kitchen until I find it?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 25 Sep 25 - 12:26 AM

Ah yes, the shards of glass. We have floor boards and I "found" one of those tiny shards with my bare foot. It was sticking straight up between two of the boards so not pleasant but it was only tiny so I survived.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 25 Sep 25 - 04:55 AM

when all the broken glass & contents go one way, sure as apples one piece will go the opposite way!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Sep 25 - 10:46 AM

I was visiting a friend in New York City, his apartment had those great oak floors that end up with a bit of a gap as they age. He insisted I drop what I was doing one afternoon and look at his foot - it turned out a shard had pierced his bare heel from standing in one of those cracks. With a tweezers I was able to remove it - and use that as the reason why I never ever want to do something like that myself.

There's something so brazen about that last piece of glass - when you notice it hiding in plain sight.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Sep 25 - 08:02 PM

Bringing this back to the top after being told of a possible candidate to participate here.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Fred
Date: 29 Sep 25 - 11:09 AM

I made the mistake of logging in and going to the Brexit thread after being told my twin sister had suffered a fatal heart attack.

If you ask me why I logged on, it's because I didn't want to be alone. Maybe to get into a discussion would help. It didn't. I got involved in a discussion that normally I could have seen for what it was: harmless.

But I really wasn't thinking straight.

It's a lesson learned.

-F

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: keberoxu
Date: 29 Sep 25 - 11:29 AM

Condolences on the loss of your twin sister, Fred,
that must be devastating.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 29 Sep 25 - 11:30 AM

I'm so sorry about your sister; the impulse to logon where there are people to talk to was a good one, it just wasn't the right discussion, is all. When I'm feeling down there are programs I can't stand to watch, some kinds of music don't appeal. A political discussion isn't soothing.

Kebroxu and Mrrzy and Senoufou (we haven't heard back from her in ages, how is she doing?) among others will tell you that venting in a thread like this one is helpful.

You've participated in a lot of the guitar threads here on Mudcat; was your sister also musical? Did you both play and sing (the unique quality of family harmony is something that has been discussed here in various threads, I'm sure!)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Fred
Date: 29 Sep 25 - 11:44 AM

Stilly,

Maureen loved classical music but she wasn't a musician. She was twelve minutes older than me. Not much, is it? But she never let me forget it :)

She was my big sister and what she meant to me, I can't explain.

Thank you for your kindness :)

-F

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Fred
Date: 29 Sep 25 - 03:19 PM

Sorry, that should have been eight minutes older. Not much good at this at the moment

-F

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 29 Sep 25 - 06:09 PM

even 2 minutes would be enough ...

wishing you peace

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Fred
Date: 30 Sep 25 - 05:32 AM

Sandra,

Thank you :)

I remember I was talking about a blacksmith who lived down a lane in the village when we were 5-6 years old and Maureen said "You can't remember THAT because I can only JUST remember it!" That's an example of how she saw those 8 minutes as years :)

-F

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 30 Sep 25 - 07:52 AM

your Big sister!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Fred
Date: 30 Sep 25 - 11:29 AM

One day we were in the village shop buying sweets. A lady behind the counter asked "Who's little boy are YOU?" I replied "I'm my mother's little boy". All the women laughed and I didn't know why.

As we left the shop, Maureen said "You silly little fool!" and made me walk home a few paces behind her.

I guess we'd be about 6 years old :)

-F

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Sep 25 - 12:28 PM

I've logged in for a moment to express my condolences, Fred. Sisters are such a precious gift.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Fred
Date: 30 Sep 25 - 02:03 PM

Thank you, Gilly, very kind :).

-F

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Helen
Date: 30 Sep 25 - 02:12 PM

I'm sorry for your loss, Fred.

My sister is my "Irish twin". She is 11 months older than me but we ended up in the same year of school until the end of high school. We have always been more like best friends than just sisters.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Fred
Date: 30 Sep 25 - 02:43 PM

Thank you, Helen :)

I'm remembering the good things here, the humour because, well if Maureen had any bad, I couldn't see it.

She was bossy, sometimes, but when I needed her, she wouldn't be found wanting.

I'm getting there, thanks to my wife, friends and people on this forum, not least those who run it.

Special thanks to you all

-F

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Sep 25 - 03:56 PM

Our friend Keberoxu has had several of these threads going through the years at Mudcat. A calm corner, a cuppa tea or coffee, exchanging small important tidbits of information and memories. Jerry Rasmussen has a kitchen table thread that kind of does the same thing. Those might be the best places to look for company for a little while.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Helen
Date: 01 Oct 25 - 03:26 AM

Fred, re the BS label: at some point in the history of the BS threads someone posted the suggestion that it refers to Breeze Shooting rather than the more common reference. I like Breeze Shooting as an alternative name. It's friendly, companionable and welcoming.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 01 Oct 25 - 04:45 AM

cooling breezes

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Helen
Date: 01 Oct 25 - 05:38 AM

Gentle, soothing breezes.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)
From: Fred
Date: 01 Oct 25 - 05:50 AM

You've all helped more than you know. Thanks to you, and others, I can see a way ahead.

Dave the Gnome has been there in PMs, making generous offers, inviting me to stay at his. Dave, I can't possibly put you through THAT :)

Thanks again all

-F