BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 05 Jun 09 - 09:23 AM

At 8:11 a.m., a man was given a verbal warming for using profanities on checks issued to the city.

A caller said a kid dressed in black was ringing a doorbell and shooting fireworks at the caller's house. The caller's daughter chased him down.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: curmudgeon
Date: 05 Jun 09 - 10:26 AM

A few from The Rochester (NH) Times:

12:31 a.m. — A cow is reported in the middle of Old Dover Road. A motorist steers clear.

11:48 a.m. — A shirtless man on the Square appears to have a rifle. The rights to bare arms and bear arms?

12:26 p.m. — On North Main Street, motorists have to dodge the darting ducklings.

5:35 p.m. — A "rapid" fox is spotted near Allen School. It quickly disappears.

10:16 p.m. — A man with a goatee and a bandage on his knee is still prowling around Capital Circle, despite the gift of a ham sandwich and an entreaty to go away.

11:11 p.m. — There is a Peeping Tom at Amazon Campground.

Friday, May 22

2:28 a.m. — At Willowbrook Apartments, yelling and rock-throwing is just a misunderstanding.

9:20 a.m. — At Stonewall Kitchen there's a large black bear. It has already charged at one of Lambert's Salvage employees. It pads off ere police arrive.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 05 Jun 09 - 10:29 AM

"It pads off ere police arrive." LOL Love that!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 06 Jun 09 - 12:21 PM

* An officer responded to a report of an injured baby crow in a man's backyard. The crow was examined by a vet, got a clean bill of health and was returned to the nest.

* Three people were reported jumping on and damaging a car along West College Street. Officers found that the car was a junk vehicle that belonged to one of the people and the group was filming the destruction.

* A deputy stopped along West Main Street for what looked like a citizen flagging him down. It turned out to be a student waving at random motorists.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 12 Jun 09 - 12:10 AM

- A boy's bicycle was stolen from a home on Michael Grove Avenue and a girl's bike was left in its place.

- A man reported that his wife was spending his money around town.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 12 Jun 09 - 12:12 AM

- A woman was unhappy with her husband's comments about her after she started a grease fire in a pan while "trying to fry chicken livers in a moderate state of inebriation" around 2 a.m.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: curmudgeon
Date: 12 Jun 09 - 09:49 AM

Saturday, May 23


9:42 a.m. — At the station, a lady reports that a gentleman against whom she has a no contact order, yelled oxymoronically, "Don't worry, I won't say anything," as they passed in Walmart.

2:00 p.m. — Police track down a suspected DWI, swerving all over Ten Rod Road. There was indeed a drink problem. A kid had dropped a milkshake in the vehicle.

6:35 p.m. — A six-foot tall bald man is running on Ten Rod Road with his pants undone. Police are there in a flash but see nothing.

8:17 p.m. — A lady is refusing to let a gentleman leave a room at Hi-Vu Motor Inn and has reportedly shoved him. During a second call, during which the man gains his freedom, dispatch hears "Bring me the money you owe me," yelled, while a door slams. Liberated, the man no longer cares about the shove.

9:21 p.m. — A man, possibly from the Lone Star State, calls to report a message he received from Rochester in which someone threatens to shoot him in the head and (redundantly) push his wheelchair off a cliff. He is advised to contact police in Victoria, Texas, whereupon he says he will ask the FBI to get involved.

Sunday, May 24

9:49 a.m. — In the lobby, a man reports that a friend punched him in the face, threw him downstairs and kicked him out of his own apartment. Fortunately, enemies were not involved.

11:37 p.m. — On Cove Court, a man registers his distress at a breakup with his girlfriend by smashing her windows out with his fist.

Monday, May 25.

6:28 p.m. — A Brock Street woman wants her husband's friend removed, but says her husband wants his friend to stay, Drink's involved and possibly is disapproved, No prob., says friend, I'm leaving anyway.

Tuesday, May 26

12:40 p.m. — Near Walmart, a young man bedecked in jeans is holding up a sign begging for change. It is unclear if he is in poverty or a disappointed Obama supporter.

Wednesday, May 27

8:19 p.m. — On Jackson Street, a man who lent a friend money says he was given a 4-wheeler as collateral. No money has been repaid so he is trying to sell the vehicle, and is being accused by the original owner of stealing it. Police tell him to take the matter to civil court.

Thursday, May 28

3:34 p.m. — There's a sickly-looking llama in a cage down on Old Dover Road. Animal control will check on its welfare.

3:49 p.m. — There's a dead deer in the river, and it won't float off again, says an East Rochester resident. Does she have to pray for rain?

Friday, May 29

6:04 p.m. — A car is "all over the Spaulding Turnpike," and is equally erratic on Route 11. A driver emerges and "stumbles" into Walmart. Police find he is the victim of excruciating toothache.

Saturday, May 30

11:45 p.m. — A bicyclist, who says he has "a badge," quizzes citizens on Common Street. Police quiz him. He is wearing a junior officer plastic badge, and says the original complainants were giving him a hard time, asking if he was an officer.

Sunday, May 31

2:45 p.m. — A Partridge Green man says he was cleaning his gun at his living room table went it went off. Ooops!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: John P
Date: 12 Jun 09 - 01:12 PM

My ex used to write the police blotter report for a local newspaper. Some of my favorites:

An armless man was drunk and violent in a tavern. When the police arrive he starts hitting them with his stumps. They have a hard time restraining him because he doesn't have any hands for the handcuffs. The headline, of course: "Police are Stumped"

Two people steal several bags of groceries from a store. They get caught because, as they leave the parking lot, they get in an argument, get out of the car in the middle of a busy four lane road, and start hitting each other with slabs of stolen meat.

Someone tries to steal a cash machine by chaining it to their truck's bumper and hitting the gas. The bumper comes off, and the would-be thief drives away in fear, leaving his bumper -- and his license plate -- behind.

One from California: A man gets convicted of a crime and talks his brother into serving his time for him. Being a good brother, he goes to visit his sibling in jail, carrying not only his ID but a gun.

It seems that many people turn to a life of crime because they are too stupid to do anything else.

On the other hand, the fact that my wife was reading police reports from both the city and the county allowed her to alert the police to a violent rapist who was picking up prostitutes and doing things like burning them with his cigarette lighter. There were two police reports, with the incidences a couple of blocks apart from each other, but in different jurisdictions. The police were able to catch him sooner than they would have otherwise.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 13 Jun 09 - 10:39 AM

* A deputy checked Headwaters State Park and had "nothing to report but people enjoying the nice day."

* Officers were unable to locate some people who were reported "to be doing illegal things" on a trail near Goldenstein Lane around 12:30 a.m.

* An officer thanked a man from Civilian Air Patrol who was sitting in the middle of a parking lot with a lantern on Davis Lane around 2 a.m. providing security for the new dinosaur park.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Gurney
Date: 14 Jun 09 - 12:40 AM

A local identity called 111 (our emergency #)because he'd disturbed a thief stealing "all the heads off his dope" plantation. He recognised the thief, who was arrested green-handed by grinning officers.

The thief remarked the he "thought nobody would be daft enough to report him for stealing dope."

Both charged.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 20 Jun 09 - 10:29 AM

* A resident of Boylan Road asked to speak with an officer "about noise associated with tee time at the golf course."

* Around 11 p.m., a woman reported that her neighbor was outside "shooting off his loud mouth" and she wanted him to stop.

* A couple in a "purplish Pontiac" was taking pictures of it around 8 p.m. Wednesday at Hyalite Dam and the caller thought they were acting suspiciously.

* A sheep escaped from a field on Frontage Road.

* Teenage boys were trying to destroy playground equipment at Ridgeview Elementary School in River Rock around 1:30 p.m. and "got mouthy" when the caller asked them to stop.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 21 Jun 09 - 09:41 AM

From today's report:

Someone on Michael Grove Avenue informed police that the neighbor's dog was in the process of befouling their lawn shortly after 10 a.m.

Bags of "poo" were left on a Highland Blvd. resident's doorstep several times before he called it in. He also advised officers that one bag came with a note asking him to pick up his dog's "poo."

Officers were advised to keep a lookout for a "husky male" caught peeing on a man's lawn on Granite Avenue.
(I wonder if that is a husky breed dog or a man whose build is husky).

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: curmudgeon
Date: 21 Jun 09 - 10:05 AM

Monday, June 1

7:41 a.m. — A suspiciously scruffy man is spotted near the Northeast Credit Union ATM. He is described as "sketchy," which could mean he looks drawn.
1:28 p.m. — Video is available showing theft of clothes from a washing machine on Signal Street. It is the thief who should now come clean.
6:24 p.m. — At the Common, a man in his 60s asked an 8-year-old for a bite of his doughnut, and then put his arm around the child and said, "Oh, you're a sweet boy," which disturbed his mother.
7:15 p.m. — At the station, a man reports being threatened by an ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend — who is texting him ominously even as he relates his fears to dispatch.
11:49 p.m. — On Ledgeview Drive, yelling and screaming is judged to be verbal in nature. Police come, police go and it erupts all over again. One lady, distraught by a boyfriend breakup, walks into a field to be alone. Police return to give everyone a final warning.
Tuesday, June 2

12:53 a.m. — Men are thought to be bawling at each other on Pine Street, but they are both yelling for a dog.
8:01 a.m. — A lady whose brown hair is tied with a yellow ribbon is knocking on doors on Ledgeview Drive. Police find she has a state permit to do so, and is linked to education, somehow.
11:04 p.m. — On Columbus avenue, a highly intoxicated man is alternatively asking ladies for a kiss and yelling at joggers. The dilemma created by female joggers is not addressed.

Wednesday, June 3
7:42 a.m. — On Old Milton Road, business flyers flit around. Police remind a businessman it is not allowed. If it happens again, other paperwork could be triggered.
5:30 p.m. — A litter complaint is made concerning an area adjacent to Route 125. It involves paper, not puppies.
6:47 p.m. — On Pine Street, a lady says that her friend Eddie has just been punched by a kid.
10:23 p.m. — An officer bags a dead cat on North Main Street. The owner arrives and grieves full sore for her pet.
10:59 p.m. — Yelling and banging is elevated to a disturbance on Harvard Street.

Thursday, June 4
3:58 a.m. — On Heaton Street, folks yell and swear, some window glass is broken, a blood trail leads to who knows where, while neighbors are all woken.
12:55 p.m. — Graffiti is found on the rear of the library building. It is regarded as criminal mischief rather than a sign of literacy.
5:47 p.m. — On Moores Court, a daughter being kicked out of the house says her mother is throwing some of her stuff in the street, but not the right stuff.
6:19 p.m. — At Wyandotte Falls, a man says he bought a rocking chair from a women in another apartment but changed his mind because it didn't look right. The woman took the chair back but didn't return the $50. Police then get a call from a woman asking them to settle a dispute about a chair. A man, perhaps he who went off his rocker, has allegedly threatened to hit her and now she fears for her life.
6:31 p.m. — The Burger King manager has a beef with a man who has a gun tucked in his waistband. Police find the pistol is properly permitted. The citizen agrees to "carry the gun properly," Burger King lets him back in and everyone is happy.
8:16 p.m. — An ongoing neighbor dispute on Eastern Avenue kicks back into life with an outbreak of swearing by a man at a woman.

Friday, June 5
12:40 a.m. — An inebriated soul in Union Street parking lot is relocated to the county farm.
8:02 p.m. — Trees are being cut down at Gonic Mill, possibly to fuel a party.
10:59 p.m. — On Pine Street, people are drinking noisily. Slurping or worse?

Saturday, June 6
12:29 a.m. — On Pine Street, Ryan Reason, 23, of 23 Pinecrest Drive, Somersworth is charged with being a suspicious subject and arrested on a bench warrant. This comes in the wake of a report about a man urinating on a truck.
2:02 a.m. — In the station lobby, a man reports that someone who threatened him in Slim's has followed up with a sinister message on MySpace.
10:21 a.m. — A blue Volvo comes into a Washington Street driveway, a man yells at the house, and then takes off.
10:38 a.m. — On Strafford Road, a ride-on mower has been ridden off.
1:21 p.m. — Someone is stuck in the police station elevator. Her name is kept secret.
2:51 p.m. — On Heaton, some folks yell and swear, when throats get parched they chug some beer.
10:54 p.m. — Fireworks are fired on Lafayette.

Sunday, June 7
12:23 p.m. — Ladies fight on Margaret Street. One is punched in the face. The other is shoved to the ground and stays down for the count.
10:26 a.m. — A Myrtle Street man reports a woman "acting crazy" has broken his window.
12:40 p.m. — Fifteen fellows fight on Charles. The instigator is described as (no surprises) shirtless.
5:02 p.m. — A Dry Hill Road man, locked out of his home by a mortgage company, obtains official access to discover it has been ransacked and his gun collection has been stolen.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Jun 09 - 10:25 AM

I love John's police reports and playing 'find the rhyme'. Not the only one from the above, but (stanzafied):
[Thursday, June 4, 3:58 a.m. — ]

On Heaton Street, folks yell and swear,
Some window glass is broken,
A blood trail leads to who knows where,
While neighbors are all woken.

Then there's the alliteration, the snark, the 'grieves full sore', and the rest.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 24 Jun 09 - 06:43 PM

After locking himself in a pair of handcuffs, a man called police to borrow a key after 11:30 p.m. The man requested to meet with police on the porch in the alley of North Black Avenue, but the officer did not have the right key and advised him to go to the hospital.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 24 Jun 09 - 07:02 PM

A noise complaint brought deputies to a house on Erik Drive where the resident was playing his bass guitar after 10:30 p.m. He was arrested on two bench warrants and taken to the Gallatin County Detention Center.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: curmudgeon
Date: 25 Jun 09 - 04:44 PM

A few from this week's Rochester (NH) Times:

Monday, June 8

12:02 a.m. — On Lafayette Street, a woman has been "screaming for to get out of her vehicle" for three-quarters of an hour. The caller declines to look out the window to get a description.

9:06 a.m. — A caller says a dead puppy, perhaps a Chihuahua, is lying in Salmon Falls Road. Police say it is a porcupine. (A Chihuahua is spineless.)

3:31 p.m. — A man got a check for lottery winnings that turned out to be fake. (That's odd!) Now he has to report it to get his money back from the bank.

10:05 p.m. — On Congress Street, police check out a drinking party with wild music, a huge bonfire and a scanner. When they arrive, everyone is quietly playing darts. Hmm.

10:38 p.m. — At Cold Spring Manor, juveniles with sticks are chasing a skunk. The caller is afraid for the children.

11:25 p.m. — On Lafayette Street, a shirtless man and his pard, are loud and drunk.

Tuesday, June 9

7:59 a.m. — Fireworks splutter on Springfield Court.

3:49 p.m. — A wallet is found near the Getty on Hancock.

4:35 p.m. — An Edgerly Way woman says she has received a call from a "company" asking probing questions about her credit cards.

5:15 p.m. — A grandmother reports that her daughter may be chasing her granddaughter (that's the grandmother's granddaughter) around the house with a metal bat.

6:48 p.m. — A worker at the 306 Restaurant complains of fliers on parked cars that discriminate against the business.


9:55 p.m. — People on Roseberry Lane have their power turned off and are now running a generator night and day to the chagrin of some on North Cranberry Lane.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 25 Jun 09 - 10:44 PM

From today's report:

* Employees at a business on Tschache Lane employed fishing nets to try and catch a magpie that was flying around the store about 11:30 a.m.

* A man broke into a woman's home on West Beall Street through a bedroom window to retrieve a toolbox that he claimed was stolen from him several months ago. The woman said she was not aware that the toolbox had been in her bedroom closet.

* * A basketball coach in Ennis was threatened by a disgruntled parent.

* A dog chased a man around a neighborhood near John Deere Street running after the man's car.

* A hay bale was on fire in a field in front of a church on South 19th Avenue around 10:30 a.m.

* A repo man was told to follow his company's policy on returning personal property in vehicles they were repossessing after a deputy determined that a gun found in a car the man was taking was not stolen. The man also found a syringe needle in the console. He was told to destroy it.

* A woman couldn't stain her deck because three dogs were running loose in the area. She described them as a "beagle, a little white hairy thing and a medium white hairy thing."

* A woman said her neighbors were keeping an alligator, birds and a couple of dogs but were not taking care of them.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 28 Jun 09 - 11:12 AM

* Someone on East Griffen Drive reported "a huge cat problem."

Deputies responded to Summer Ridge Road, where an unknown individual was ringing doorbells at 1 a.m.

Several horses were loose on Kelly Canyon Road.

A bear was spotted digging through trash on Ousel Falls Road.

A woman called reporting a pig was injured during a "Pig Wrestling Event" at the Headwaters Country Jam.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 28 Jun 09 - 11:27 AM

Pig wresting is not really funny for the pig.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 28 Jun 09 - 11:46 AM

Quite possibly the funniest 'local news item' I read, was a report of a firework planted in a dog poo bin. The explosion rattled the windows of nearby homes...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Irene M
Date: 28 Jun 09 - 04:23 PM

In Wales, a man dialled 999 one night to report a strange bright light in the sky above the houses opposite.
The police went out in response, and reported back afterwards "It was the moon".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jun 09 - 05:05 PM

A hole appeared in the road outside the Police Station... the Police are looking into it!
The Police dog section building was burgled... The Police have no leads!
A burglar fell into a cement drive whilst making an exit from a local house... Police are looking for a 'hardened' criminal.
A toilet was stolen from a local Police Station... The Police have nothing to go on!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: curmudgeon
Date: 16 Jul 09 - 04:21 PM

Thursday, July 16, 2009

From the Rochester (NH) Times

Monday, June 29

1:06 a.m. -- Yelling on Willow Brook Drive wakes a slumbering citizen. Drink is at the bottom of it.
11:01 a.m. -- A Portland Street landlord, cleaning out after a tenant, discovers his place has gone to pot. Literally.
12:10 p.m. -- On King Street a gentleman makes quite a splash by urinating out of a third-story window.
2:34 p.m. -- A Cornerstone Court landlord would like the removal of an ex-tenant, who is described as "very irate.
4:01 p.m. -- An East Rochester man reports that his ex-wife, her boyfriend, and her sister have broken into his house, smashed windows, destroyed contents and made off with several items awarded to him in the divorce settlement. In a twist of the blade, they continually drive by in a green SUV also awarded to him.

Tuesday, June 30
12:04 a.m. -- On Knight Street at Cumberland Farms, a man with tattooed neck and arms, steals a sandwich.
8:17 p.m. -- After a disturbance on Chestnut Street, a man is taken into protective custody for alcoholism.
8:29 p.m. -- In Gonic, a bar patron parks his truck on someone's property and reportedly threatens to beat up the property owner when asked to move. The victim calls back later to cancel the call, explaining that he had not realized the parker was a family member.

Wednesday, July 1
12:32 a.m. -- Police encounter three juveniles near the radio station on Rochester Hill. One mother says she has been drinking and cannot pick her son up, but adds she is fine with him being out as he is with a cousin, seeking a bike.
2:14 a.m. -- Malcolm Dwight Young, 24, of 17 Glenwood Ave., 7, is charged with driving after suspension and disobeying an officer, after a traffic stop on Pine Street.
10:38 a.m. -- A Salmon Falls Road resident is spitting in a neighbor's driveway again.
12:41 p.m. -- A man with a hat and a long beard sits on a North Main Street porch that is not his, sipping on a beer. He has gone, pushing a cart, when police check the area.
4:08 p.m. -- On Punch Brook Way, a son with a knife, hits his mother with a shoe, instead.

Thursday, July 2
12:53 a.m. -- A cruiser driving Lowell at night, has passed a bike without a light; a U-turn's made to catch the blade, but he has vanished out of sight.
1:00 a.m. -- There's yelling and swearing in Union Street parking lot... it is just the bars emptying.
2:32 a.m. -- A group of knaves mill on Knight Street.
2:36 a.m. -- Two vehicles pause on Eastern Avenue to let occupants yell and scream at each other.
7:06 p.m. -- Police are called to Lafayette Street to deal with an unwanted person who "won't shut up, won't go to sleep and won't leave." Mr. Unpopular chooses Option 3.
7:37 p.m. -- Two men stagger down Summer Street. A passing car gets punched. One gent is not supposed to be drinking and is taken to the county jail.
8:51 p.m. -- A woman reports that her husband has taken all the vehicles and the car seats. She is referred to her divorce attorney.
11:10 p.m. -- Half a dozen teens are creating a din in Linscott Apartments' parking lot. Several people have yelled out of the windows to keep quiet, but the racket continues.

Friday, July 3
1:54 a.m. -- On Glen Street, yelling and screaming is officially deemed to be verbal.
8:58 a.m. -- An English sheepdog is rounding the S curves on Salmon Falls Road.
9:26 a.m. -- At the station a man has paperwork from the sheriff saying he can remove his things within 28 days, but the property owner has locked him out.
11:15 p.m. -- A number of calls come in from Kim Lane reporting a slam... and another slam... and another slam. It may be fireworks.
11:20 p.m. -- Dirt bikes with no lights speed up and down Chestnut Street.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: ClaireBear
Date: 16 Jul 09 - 04:43 PM

Couple cited for having sex on front lawn of Santa Cruz City Hall
May 6, 2009


Police cited a man and arrested a woman who allegedly were having sex on the front lawn of City Hall late Wednesday morning.

City employees called 911 around 11:25 a.m. after seeing the couple under a white blanket on the grass near the Human Resources Department, police said.

The couple was still going at it when officers arrived. Police reported they were nude from the waist down.

Zachary Clow, 32, was cited for lewd conduct on public property. Shannon Baltzell, 29, was arrested and taken to County Jail after she refused to sign a ticket for the same offense, police said.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Jeri
Date: 16 Jul 09 - 05:38 PM

Tom, I love John's police reports, but I'm not so sure about the limerick. (A cruiser driving Lowell at night...)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: curmudgeon
Date: 16 Jul 09 - 08:00 PM

Thanks for alerting me Jeri. Too many eighth grade takes on millefoil and weevils have buggered my brain.

A better scan might be:

A cruiser on Lowell at night,
Has passed a bike with no light;
A U-turn was made
To catch the bold blade,
But the miscreant vanished from sight.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 16 Jul 09 - 10:28 PM

* A driver on Frontage Road was concerned that a young woman pulling a piece of luggage along the road was trying to walk to Bozeman and did not know how far it was.

* Someone left a freezer at the dump after hours.

* It could not be determined if a chip in a woman's kitchen window was put there intentionally with a rock or BB pellet or if a bird flew into it.

* Four cows were missing from a herd for over a month.

* A young black bear climbed on the deck of a home on Hackamore Road.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: fat B****rd
Date: 17 Jul 09 - 03:04 PM

An item in the Grimsby Evening Telegraph in the early 1960s said that "a very ugly man was seen running from the sheep pen at the local abattoir"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: gnu
Date: 17 Jul 09 - 03:32 PM

Police were called to a farm on Pine Glen Road. Officers found an inebriated young man engaged in a lewd act with a pumpkin. When questioned, he asked, "Is it midnight already?"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 18 Jul 09 - 02:59 PM

* Two men and "an unfriendly dog" were spinning around in a vehicle in a field off Harper Puckett Road around 2 a.m. They were on their own property and the men were working on the vehicle trying to get running.

* A plane was "flying low and spraying stuff" near a subdivision off U.S. Highway 191 around 8:30 a.m.

* * Farmers flagged down a deputy saying they were concerned about tall grass at the intersection of Baxter and Love lanes causing sightline issues for traffic.

* Deputies spoke with a small child after a 911 hang up call was received from her home and a dispatcher said she was "very evasive" when he spoke with her. The deputies explained why they came to her house and how they respond to 911 hang up calls.

* A caller said a person driving a 26-foot box truck told him at a Huffine Lane gas station that they had 15 undocumented workers in the back of it.

* A woman received several strange telephone calls from a man who said her "boss told him to call her about hair modeling" and that he wanted to hire her to wash his wife's hair three times a week for the next two months.

* A man almost struck a construction worker on Interstate 90 when he swerved off the road to avoid hitting another vehicle that had slammed on the brakes and kicked up gravel in a construction zone around 5 p.m. The driver who had slammed on the brakes passed the caller at about 100 mph. The erratic driver was cited and released.

* A woman said her neighbors stole "hundreds of dollars of wood" from her property.

* Around 9 p.m., a man asked authorities to contact his wife who was waiting for him at Swan Creek Campground after he determined that he and his 15-year-old son were not going to make it back to the vehicle that night. They were at the top of Hyalite Peak on bicycles and did not need help but just wanted his wife, who did not have a cell phone, to know they were OK and would make their way out in the morning.

* A woman and some men were screaming somewhere near Stucky Road around 11:30 p.m. The woman was screaming, "Get it out of here," the caller said.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: banjoman
Date: 19 Jul 09 - 08:53 AM

From a so called "Real News as it happens " paper in England some years ago
" Police investigating the theft of the Eddistone Lighthouse say they are currently looking for a suspicious character last seen at Waterloo Station carrying a large brown paper parcel under his arm"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 19 Jul 09 - 09:23 AM

* Driving down 19th Avenue, a minor racked up citations for DUI, disorderly conduct, driving while his license was suspended, obstruction, criminal mischief and theft. He was arrested and released to his parents.

* Medical care was called for a man who claimed he had walked from Butte to Bozeman in two days.

* A motorist spotted a bear on the highway near town.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Midchuck
Date: 19 Jul 09 - 11:11 AM

Around 9 p.m., a man asked authorities to contact his wife who was waiting for him at Swan Creek Campground after he determined that he and his 15-year-old son were not going to make it back to the vehicle that night. They were at the top of Hyalite Peak on bicycles and did not need help but just wanted his wife, who did not have a cell phone, to know they were OK and would make their way out in the morning.

Having been up in there, I'd say it was a fairly logical thing to do in the circumstances, although he should have planned ahead better.

P.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 10:34 PM

* Two neighbors in an apartment building were arguing because one's dog defecated in the other's apartment. The neighbor retaliated by wiping her own dog's feces on the other neighbor's door. "Both neighbors cleaned up their own dogs' feces and were warned."

* A man turned in a knife he found in front of a hotel on North Seventh Avenue after he realized it had dried blood on it.

The Gallatin County Sheriff's Office reports for Sunday included the following:

* Central Valley firefighters extinguished a fire that started in a dumpster on North Fawn Place that "smelled heavily of flammable liquids" and was filled with paint cans and rags.

* A tailgate was stolen off a pickup truck.

* A deputy assisted two people by providing light for them after they lost inner tubes out of their vehicle on Norris Road. Once they retied the tubes, the deputy gave them a warning for driving with an unsecured load.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 07:17 PM

Police in the south east of England received a call from a man who said there were prowlers in his garden, and could they help?

The officer told him they had nobody in the area.

Ten minutes later he rang again, and said "It's alright, you needn't bother. I've shot 'em!"

Two minutes later two armed response vehicles and three police cars arrived, just in time to capture the two chaps who were busy removing all the caller's plants.

An irate police Inspector hammered on his door, and when he answered, shouted "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU SHOT'EM!"

"I thought YOU said you had nobody in the area", was the calm reply.

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 09:18 PM

* An employee at a senior care facility said a man thinks the mafia owns the center and that the man wants to go have a drink.

* A man broke out all the windows and a door of a bar on East Main Street with a hammer around 3:30 a.m. A 49-year-old Bozeman man, accused of doing the damage, was arrested for criminal mischief.

* Someone left a backpack at the backdoor of a home on North Rouse Avenue.

* A man got up in the morning and found another man sleeping in his vehicle in his garage on North Eighth Avenue. The caller said the man came back twice saying he was looking for a backpack.

* Cash, bear spray, two pairs of binoculars and an emergency car kit were stolen on two separate occasions from an unlocked vehicle parked on Secor Avenue.

* Decorative tree stumps set up along Graf Street were taken.

* A man had questions about laws on stun guns after his roommate threatened him with one. He did not want to press charges.

* A convicted felon wanted to know if he could legally own a compound bow.

* Two young men "wearing whatever 20-year-old males wear" were using a coat hanger to break into a vehicle on Breeze Lane around 3 p.m. They were gone when an officer arrived.

* A man who drove off from a gas station on College Street around 5:30 p.m. was later found and brought back to the station, where he paid for the fuel.

The Gallatin County Sheriff's Office reports for Monday included the following:

* A county office reported that a man left an odd message on its answering service.

* A woman's dog scared a man away after he came to her door selling baking soda and stuck his elbow in the door when the woman said, "No, thank you."

* A man thought his 18-year-old son was being irresponsible because he had not reported that his truck had not been returned by some friends who had borrowed it.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 23 Jul 09 - 09:32 AM

A caller needed to pick up a dress for a wedding and the seamstress wouldn't answer her door. The woman needed the dress right away and wanted police to help her get it because she was on her way to the wedding, which was out of state.

Around 5 a.m., a man reported that his wife went out to have a cigarette around 2:30 a.m. and hadn't come back. He called back a couple of hours later and said she had returned.

A person reported vulgar words written in dust on a vehicle parked on East Main Street. The caller thought it was "unsightly for people going to work to have to look at."

* An animal control officer thanked a dog owner for having his dog on a leash.

A woman said music being played near her home on Pioneer Drive was so loud it was shaking her walls. The responding officer did not hear any noise.

The Gallatin County Sheriff's Office reports for Tuesday included the following:

A black bear getting into trash on Little Coyote Road did not seem fearful of humans.

A permitted burn got out of control and burned down a shed with a hot tub in it around 6 p.m. on U.S. Highway 191.

A driver was cited for reckless driving after he sped down Coulee Drive and drove over a garbage can around 11 p.m.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Jul 09 - 12:19 PM

Sort of funny:

Light annoys neighbor

Two feuding residents in the (address removed) have brought the spotlight of law enforcement upon themselves.

John XXXXXX told deputies early Sunday that before sunrise his neighbor "had set up a light with the intent to harass him," according to a report from the County Sheriff's Department. "The light was a large yard light which was aimed at (XXXXXX's) home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sadly, it seems our area is too urban to have much humour in the police blotters. I found, in the past two months, most of the reports involve drugs and the crimes folks commit to buy them or under the influence of...arrgghh.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 25 Jul 09 - 11:33 AM

* A man in a uniform tried to sell a security system to an 80-year-old woman. The man did not leave a name or a number, but the woman's daughter called police requesting extra patrol in the area around her mother's residence.
(This "security" sales guy came to my door about a week ago!! alice)

* Officers warned a male for running around naked outside.

* A man who turned in a marijuana pipe he had found the night before expressed concerns that the car it came from was an ex-patrol vehicle.

* A caller reported a suspicious phone call involving a $1,000 charge for $500 worth of pizza. The call is being treated as an identity theft scenario.

* A woman reported her neighbor was lying out on the lawn in his underwear.

The Gallatin County Sheriff's Office reports for Wednesday include the following:

* A 7-year-old boy was warned for wandering into other people's homes without permission. He was apparently just looking for someone to play with.

* A caller was concerned about a satellite TV service man who came back to her home to pick up some tools he supposedly left behind. She did not think he had left anything behind.

An airplane flying erratically and emitting smoke near Davis Lane around 6 p.m. turned out to a man flying a model plane with an attached smoke machine.

One-ton round hay bales fell off a truck near the East Main Street Interchange around 8 p.m.

The Gallatin County Sheriff's Office reports for Thursday included the following:

The owner of a business was afraid a recently fired disgruntled employee and his brother were going to come to the business and take a desk.

Kids were going on boats and "fiddling with stuff" at the Rainbow Point Campground.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: curmudgeon
Date: 25 Jul 09 - 01:26 PM

Again, from the Rochester (NH) Times:

ROCHESTER — The following items, based on entries in the Rochester Police Log, were selected from 787 calls for service from July 4 to July 7:

Saturday, July 4

12:45 a.m. — On Charles Street, a teenage girl is jumped and assaulted by a large, masked lady.
8:28 a.m. — On King Street, a stray dog is described by a single word — scruffy.
12:08 p.m. — The pastor of the Journey Church reports that one member of the congregation has broken off a relationship with another. The latter has threatened to attend a Sunday service "and kill everyone." This church sponsored the fireworks on July 3.
8:54 p.m. — Bottle rockets woosh on Estes Road.
9:30 p.m. — At Royal Crest MHP, a lady is crawling on the road, accompanied by someone who seems to be crippled. A resident asks after their welfare and they explain they are pie-eyed with drink
10:06 p.m. — Fireworks spark fear and loathing on East Rochester's Main Street.
10:22 p.m. — A Rochester Hill Road resident reports two ladies barged into her house and searched closets for items belonging to her ex-boyfriend.
11:49 p.m. — Music drifting through woods, reaches irritated ears on Kinsale Drive. A Nottingham Lane resident is spoken to.

Sunday, July 5
1:09 a.m. — From Congress, comes the report of a loud party in the white house. Settle down, Obama.
5:29 a.m. — On Juniper Street, a man near a mailbox yells to the homeowner that it is a good thing he doesn't have his baseball bat.
6:59 a.m. — Near Staples, a slender, curly blonde, dressed in a black skirt and matching jacket, is panhandling.
3:03 p.m. — At Walmart, a pickup hauling a boat is blocking the main entrance to the food side, and the driver is refusing to move and let other cars enter.
3:12 p.m. — A homeless man is not wanted on a North Main Street porch.
3:49 p.m. — The manager of Dollar Tree on Milton Road reports he has a woman irked by a return policy. A woman calls to allege Dollar Tree would not take her food stamps and that she was called a bitch and had items thrown at her.
5:16 p.m. — On North Main Street, the homeless person has returned to his perch on the porch.
8:56 p.m. — On Copper Lane dogs bark all day, when coppers come, they've gone away.
9:07 p.m. — On Lafayette Street, a "house is shooting off fireworks."
9:21 p.m. — At Northgate Apartments, males yell at females. There is reciprocity.

Monday, July 6

1:13 a.m. — The homeless person is asleep on the North Main Street porch. He is woken up and "moved along. "
2:56 a.m. — At the Route 125 Motel, disciples of Bacchus are hushed up. One is taken into protective custody for alcoholism.
5:11 a.m. — On Copper Lane, the dogs are back, howling, woofing, yack, yack, yack.
8:35 p.m. — At the construction site on Route 125, a lady dressed in a yellow tank top and shorts is "freaking out on something." Second and third callers assert she can barely stand.
8:57 p.m. — Fireworks snap, crackle and pop at Cold Spring Manor in defiance of management policy.
10:10 p.m. — On Wilson Street, a man in the middle of the road is either having a medical emergency or is drunk.
11:10 p.m. — Folks yell and scream on Quaker Lane.

Tuesday, July 7

10:14 a.m. — The art shoe in front of City Hall, the one purchased by VFW Post 1772, has been vandalized. AMVETS Post 1 members are in the clear.
11:26 a.m. — A mother reports her young daughter was threatened by a man during the Salvation Army lunch program..
9:04 p.m. — A large tattooed man — a 300-pounder — is hitching on Portland Street and "when you don't stop he jumps out at you."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 26 Jul 09 - 09:03 AM

Five people were seen fighting on Maple with sticks.

After being found lying face down in the grass along North 11th Avenue, a male was given a ride home.

* After a flower pot was set on fire, two male juveniles found nearby had their lighter and cigarettes confiscated, but were not cited.

A business on North 19th Avenue reported receiving a counterfeit $5 bill from a customer, but an officer determined the money was real.

An employee at a Durston Road gas station called to report two juveniles he thought were smoking pot in a car in the parking lot. They were smoking tobacco, but because they were underage, they were cited for minors in possession. The driver was also cited for driving with no insurance.

Police received a report of suspicious activity when a stretch limo pulled into a parking lot on East Main Street and stayed there for a half hour with the driver standing outside.

After a male puked on a patrol car, police determined that the girl he was with had an outstanding warrant. She was arrested.

The Gallatin County Sheriff's Office reports for Friday included the following:

Deputies talked to a woman who reported she had been followed home by a guy in a silver car, who tailgated, repeatedly flashed his bright lights and nudged the back of her car several times. When he pulled in behind her at her residence, he went to her window and told her he was an undercover officer. He backed into a ditch when pulling out of the driveway.

An eBay search led a woman to believe that a man in Oregon was trying to sell her car online.

Speeders were caught spinning doughnuts in the Anderson School parking lot.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Ebbie
Date: 26 Jul 09 - 12:36 PM

Here's one that made me laugh:

IMPERFECT CRIME . . . Here's an excerpt from Ear's favorite police blotter, documenting life in Unalaska/Dutch Harbor:

"07/18/09--Sat--0207--Trespass -- An agitated, drunken patron who had groped a cocktail waitress was asked to leave the bar but did not wish to do so. (M.M.), 24 yoa, of Washington, was arrested for Criminal Trespass II after he cursed at an officer and refused to leave the area. (MM) was uncooperative at the jail and, among other things, attempted to drown himself, twice, by placing his head in a toilet in his cell but was unsuccessful due to the fact that he had to keep coming up for air."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: GUEST,Jim Knowledge
Date: 27 Jul 09 - 11:17 AM

I `ad the "Old Bill" in my cab the other day. `e was in mufti but I knew `e was a copper by `is `aircut and boots.
`e said, "Evening all, could you take me to my police station, a bit sharpish, like?. I`m `alf `our late for duty"
I said, " `ere. Whadya know about that report of a man`ole cover being nicked, leaving a ruddy great `ole in the road?"
`e said, quite `aughtilly like, " We`re looking into it!!"

Whaddam I Like??

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 31 Jul 09 - 10:17 AM

Officers escorted a bartender back to her car after a male patron creeped her out.

Two males were given MIP's after they were seen fighting on the front lawn of a house.

Someone at an apartment complex on 22nd Avenue called police about garbage that was being illegally left in the dumpsters there.

* A caller asked police about a church he heard about called "The THC Ministry," wondering if they were legally allowed to grow pot.

A skunk was trapped in a dumpster behind the old Humane Society. A ramp was created with boards to help the skunk climb out.

Police advised a woman with a rockchuck living under the hood of her car that turning the hose on it would get the critter to move along.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: GUEST,Jim Knowledge
Date: 31 Jul 09 - 11:51 AM

Would you Adam and Eve it? I `ad that copper again in my cab the other night looking well glum and rather uncomfortable, as if `e thought `e `ad but `e wasn`t sure.
`e said ," `ere Jim, could you get me down the public loos, a bit sharpish like, please?"
I said, " Sure. I `eard someone `as `alf-inched all the lavatory pans in your nick. is that right?"
`e said, "yeah. We dunno `who dunnit. We`ve got nothing to go on!!"


Whaddam I like??

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 01 Aug 09 - 10:09 AM

The Bozeman Police Department reports for Thursday included the following:

* A woman asked officers to remove a stray cat that refused leave her home and was trying to attack her.

* An officer gave a ride to an intoxicated man after he woke him up. The man was sleeping on the sidewalk near East College Street around 1:30 a.m.

* * A man reported that someone took his longboard and ran it over on West Babcock Street.

* A man reported that his neighbor was "leaving dog droppings in his yard."

* A caller told police that his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend were in his house smoking marijuana. The woman was cited for endangering the welfare of a child for smoking marijuana while caring for her daughter and was reported to the Department of Public Health and Human Services.

* Two iPods and other items were found beneath a bush near the entrance to a business on North 15th Avenue. The caller believed they had been stolen.

* Several guests at a hotel near Commerce Way were complaining about loud music from a party at the Bozeman Area Chamber of Commerce around 6:30 p.m.

* Someone took a lawn ornament from a store on North 19th Avenue around 8 p.m. without paying for it.

* There was no damage to a wheelchair at the hospital after an elderly driver ran it over at the hospital. The caller said the driver and another person were unhappy when they left the emergency room.

* Someone let a stray dog into a hotel on Wheat Drive and employees wanted help removing it.

* A man said he was sliced on the arm by someone with a piece of glass but he was too intoxicated to be able to give any information to police about his assailant.

The Gallatin County Sheriff's Office reports for Thursday included the following:

* A deputy assisted Belgrade police when they received a call about a grenade in a vehicle on Jeanette Place around 12:30 p.m. It turned out to be an inert military training device and was removed.

* The owner of a cabin said it had been removed from property on Pole Gulch Road after rent had been paid to keep it there.

* Someone broke into a home on Jackrabbit Lane and stole a drum set.

* A woman inadvertently dialed 911 when she sat on her phone.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 02 Aug 09 - 01:37 PM

I'll be watching the police reports this week to see if a report I called in will be published.
Last night we found a unicycle abandoned half under the trees/bushes in our front yard. I just got back from the police station where I filed a "found" report and gave the unicycle to the officers.


Alice

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Alice
Date: 02 Aug 09 - 01:51 PM

* When police tried to respond to a noise complaint at a house, the people hid inside and refused to come to the door. Officers then left parking citations on the cars outside for blocking the fire lane.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny Police Reports in your home town
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Aug 09 - 06:11 AM

"Folks yell and scream on Quaker Lane"

That's Larry Otway's band practicing!
(Sorry, Larry, couldn't resist it!)

RtS
"Face made for radio, voice made for mime"