BS: Natural, and proud of it!

Subject: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: GUEST,Julius
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 05:40 PM

I am a cat. I am a large orange tabby. They named me Julius as some kind of joke, but I like to think it is because I resemble Julius Caesar, because I am the Lord and Master of all I survey. My people, not being total idiots, give me the complete run of the house and have kindly also provided a cat door so I can go outside whenever I wish. This has deprived me of the joy of doing the old "Shall I go out now? Well...hmmmm. Or shall I not? Hmmm. Well..." routine for at least 5 minutes while the frustrated human holding the door open slowly goes insane as all the warm air in the house escapes...ha, ha, ha! But what the heck, every good idea has some flaw. I still vote for the cat door. It allows me to enter and leave without the fuss and bother of depending on others, and I like that freedom.

Being a natural cat, and proud of it, I go outside as often as I may...with only a few basic objectives. One, to find a female cat in heat. This is sometimes harder than you might think, but worth the trouble. Two, to fight. Definitely an excellent reason for going out. Three, to snoop around. The public duty of all good cats. Four, to defecate in people's gardens and drive them crazy. Ah, the sheer joy of it. But now comes the piece de resistance....

I go out to ruthlessly kill small animals! Yes. And I love it. I have slaughtered uncountable legions of mice, voles, moles, and other little furry-crawlies like that. Without me you might be neck deep in them, so don't forget to say "thanks" when you see me saunter by.

But most of all...Ah, yes, most of ALL I love to kill BIRDS. You heard me. Birds. I exterminate them with glorious abandon. Any bird will do, as long as it's not too big to handle. Songbirds are perfect, but nothing quite does it for me like nailing a hummingbird. MMMM...yummy!

I do all this and more because I am a natural animal. 100% natural. I admit to being a killer, and I'm not conflicted about it in the least. I was made to kill rodents and birds.

How I pity you, you fat, disgusting human slobs, hunkered down at your dining tables consuming the slaughtered flesh of countless imprisoned and terrorized animals whom you have never honestly stared in the eyes, gorging yourselves thoughtlessly on their blood, flesh, and bone, while going all "Ewwwwww!" over a teeny flesh wound or a dead songbird, and not having the guts to do your own killing, but farming it out to vast commercial enterprises who plug millions of pigs and cows in the head with steel bolts and raise chickens in conditions so crowded that they can't even get up and move around.

You are the ones who are unnatural. You foster disease and horror wherever you go. You are incapable of facing what you really are...killers, red in fang and claw.

You are conflicted. I am not. You wear clothes. I don't. You are addicted to drugs. I'm not. You pretend innocence. I don't. You are unnatural. I am natural, and proud of it.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 05:44 PM

Nice kitty. Go fetch the brightly coloured ball of yarn out in the freeway. Go get it!

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 05:45 PM

Orange Julius, eh? Yeah, we had one just like you once. He was the smuggest animal I ever saw.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: number 6
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 05:46 PM

good one cluin !

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: GUEST,Martin Gibson
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 05:46 PM

Please go take a natural dump.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: Peace
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 06:01 PM

"I am natural, and proud of it."

That's probably more than any of us wanted to know. But if you DO go play in the traffic, please take these razors with you. Learn to juggle.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: GUEST,Hillbilly Survivalist and Proud of It!
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 06:04 PM

You ain't nothin' special. Anybody that knows what's good will pick up a groundhog roadkill for supper. Assumin' acourse that it's swelled up just right when you come by.

Now THAT'S what I call natural.

HSPI

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: Peace
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 06:08 PM

There is that period when they have bloated somewhat--they become especially tender, rendering delicate juices to the knife.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 06:13 PM

you are in the wrong forum, Julius. This is for MUDcats, not MADcats...

...(and you oughta read some of the things we sing about cats....you'd lose 2-3 lives just absorbing it all!)

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: GUEST,Hillbilly Survivalist and Proud of It
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 07:08 PM

Uumhummm. Yes indeedy! And, as I'm sure you know, there ain't nothin' harder to skin than a groundhog. Get one just at that right ripe stage of all-swoll-up, and that ol' tough hide will slip right off 'em.

Then....Sunday supper, here we come!

HSPT

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 07:11 PM

"Nope, we're good. On the way over, Darryl kilt a weasel!"

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: bobad
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 07:15 PM

Mr.Natural

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: gnu
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 07:26 PM

Clever... until you said hummingbirds are yummy. No way a cat can kill a hummingbird. Only a human would say something so far fetched. I do not believe you are really a cat.

Subject: RE: BS: Neutral, and proud of it!
From: John O'L
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 07:54 PM

What makes you think you're orange? Or a tabby? What's natural about a cat door? Or going outside? What makes you think you're a cat?

Etc. etc. etc.

Natural my fat arse.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 08:16 PM

Errr... Julius, is it? Julius my ass! I'd know that damned orange tabby cat anywhere. When you lived with us we called you "Showed Up" because you just showed up one day. Remember? Came right in and started acting like you owned the place. Chased and fought with the other cats who've been here for years. Hung around for a couple of months and disappeared two days before your appointment to have you-know-what done. I see you haven't changed in the last few years.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: GUEST,Julius
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 12:30 AM

Yeah, I remember you well, Bee-dubya-ell, you jerk. I was entirely aware of your nefarious plans to disfigure me, so I took off. Did you find the little present I left in your shoe yet? I also peed in the basement, just for you. Normally I'd do it outside, which is more natural, but for you...I go the extra mile.

John O'what's-yer-face, I believe your arse is fat! Most human arses are really fat. You are living proof that evolution was not such a good idea after all.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: John O'L
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 12:42 AM

Yeah well a fat arsed two legged accident of nature is preferable to a four legged indiscriminately murderous abnomination who bullshits himself that his existence is in some way justified.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: GUEST,Julius
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 12:50 AM

I am the justification of my existence, lard-ass. Me, myself and I am the only justification that will ever be needed. Pity you can't say the same, you pathetic boneless human wanker.

I killed 3 mice tonight and ate two of them. The third one I let lie, in order to spread terror of my ominpotent power far and wide. I sneer in your general direction, human.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: GUEST,Susie cat
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 03:22 AM

I am a garden cat but I also like to sun myself on the front steps.

I am almost 12 years old (fifty something in human age) but can still jump to the top of a 10' fence from a sitting position.

I am multi-coloured, some call me a West Virginia Coon Cat but I think I'm calico.

I wonder, Julius, if you'd like to come by some evening. Its easy for me to get out, all I have to do is meow and that lazy human I live with will let me out. She'll do anything for me as long as I don't scratch the couch.

I was thinking I could show you around the hood. We can start at the neighbors. They have this English Ivy all around the foundation and the mice just love it.

See ya soon, I hope,

Susie cat

P.S. Just so you don't get your hopes up, I think its only fair to tell you I've been spayed.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: John O'L
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 04:01 AM

Man I can hear it already. The ghastly unearthly otherworldly (yet strangely natural) howling whining sound of feline copulation.
Time to hunt up the old BB gun I think.

Subject: RE: BS: Natural, and proud of it!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 04:10 AM

Cats don't take drugs????

One word....

Catnip. We even had to name it after you because you wouldn't leave it alone.

LTS