Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Donuel Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:07 PM America will entertain itself to death until the power goes off. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Oct 17 - 08:07 PM Stop being wry, Donuel. This is a joke thread, not an outlet for your cynicism. There are plenty of other threads available for that. Give us a laugh instead. I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Donuel Date: 01 Oct 17 - 08:08 PM Whatdoyousay you accept creative eclectic points of view and allow free speech Steve? Or we could escalate joke challenges which might elevate creativity into a spiraling joke war, I won't be sore. Comedy Feuds have been very funny. The first one I remember was Fred Allen and Jack Benny. We have angry comics insult comics and your fault comics You have your hard edge comics, sex comics, complex comics Political comics hypocritical comics inimical comics and jerks gross out comics horror comics and awful truth that hurts If you absolutely insist on your way or the highway I don't mind. Only one in ten original jokes have legs anyway. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Oct 17 - 09:10 PM Jack Benny was a complete, unfunny twat. There, that's me exercising my free speech. You can say whatever you like and I don't give a monkeys, but don't expect to get away with your dismal cynicism on what's supposed to be a joke thread. Giving you a bollocking for being incredibly unfunny is not an attack on your free speech. It's just me exercising mine. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 02 Oct 17 - 07:20 AM You're getting old when: You drop a coin & check it's value before deciding whether to bend over. You are old when: You can't see tell which coin it is at that distance. Old age: The first time you can't do it a second time. Real old age: The second time you can't do it a first time. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Oct 17 - 07:33 AM Billy Connolly's three cardinal rules for the over-60s: Never pass up an opportunity to have a pee. Never waste an erection. Never trust a fart. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Donuel Date: 02 Oct 17 - 08:45 AM So its OK to post heavy metal Comedy Gold and comedy Plutonium? I'll consider your wrath as part of the fun. Sometimes a great notion happens but not today. Tweet ; Trump has warm regards for Los Vegas. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 02 Oct 17 - 11:11 AM "Los Vegas": Johnny Vegas' new backing group. Actually "Los Vegas" might be a good name for it (Las Vegas). Only the owners regularly make a profit. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Oct 17 - 02:34 PM The blind mohel got the sack... |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:29 PM From: Mrrzy - PM Date: 02 Oct 17 - 02:34 PM The blind mohel got the sack... Yeah, the job doesn't pay very well, but you get to keep the tips. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:36 PM What did the leper say to the whore? Keep the tip! |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:56 PM Is that a joke? |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Mr Red Date: 03 Oct 17 - 06:17 AM If a joke doesn't "connect," then maybe it isn't much of a joke. It is personal. Audiences have a lot of personalities. It depends on the news, like Las Vegas just announced. It depends on the last singers. It depends on the misanthropy of the listener. Maybe the listener isn't much of a listener. It happens. You work with the material and the misanthropes you find. My GF won't watch Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton. I love them. Go figure. I have, she is very sensitive to physical knockabout on film. She laughs when Irish Set "sets" go wrong, I understand her amusement, I am concentrating on why, and generating mnemonics to help. Only then can I laugh, (if I succeed). It is personal. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies. E B White I laughed when I saw on sale - Smart Clothes Pegs. To bring us back on topic ish. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 03 Oct 17 - 06:32 AM Smart clothes pegs that I had to check. Yes, Google finds pegs which don't risk rust stains and have wider jaws, and are in bright plastic colours. But then I saw Peggy a clothes peg which measures temperature & humidity and sends you a text alert to bring the washing in. so smart clothes pegs is no joke. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Donuel Date: 12 Oct 17 - 08:34 AM "I have been told by secret service that I am being actively attacked by Al Symer. I do not know who Al Symer is, but I will get to the bottom of this." |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Mr Red Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:15 AM so smart clothes pegs is no joke But if the cost is less than a cup of coffee for 10 in a 99p store they are a joke. Now a Polish joke from the communist shortages era (better as a video but I will paint). A guy is holding a toilet roll aloft to keep it out of the reach of an adversary. The adversary tries grabbing for a long time saying stuff like "come on now, you have a whole one and that is greedy" (imagine this kind of thing for 2 minutes) then the owner says "but have pity, I have only just got it back from the laundry". |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:25 AM That reminds me of graffiti seen on the toilet wall of Ratagan youth hostel in 1975: “Economy drive - please use both sides of the paper.” |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Mrrzy Date: 12 Oct 17 - 12:40 PM I thought I already told this joke here, musta been in a prior year. So the docter tells the geriatric patient, I've got good news and bad news. Let's hear the good news first, says the patient. OK - you have AIDS. That's the good news? cries the patient. What is worse than that? Well, says the doctor, you have Alzheiner's. Oh, says the patient, well, at least I don't have AIDS. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: DMcG Date: 12 Oct 17 - 01:51 PM Ah yes, I well remember the toilets in a Russian town I visited, which were presided over by a solemn babushka-like figure, who traded a single sheet of paper for a few coins. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: BobL Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:41 AM Using both sides of the paper was normal during and post WW2 - and not a problem with the hard toilet paper then in use (you folded it). |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Georgiansilver Date: 13 Oct 17 - 06:35 AM What really bothers me is seeing the words 'Recycled toilet paper' on toilet rolls... like... Who used it the first time~? |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 13 Oct 17 - 06:54 AM Let’s not get bogged down here... |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Oct 17 - 06:31 PM A little girl goes on a train trip with her grandad for a special treat. She looks out of the window and says, "Ooh look, grandad - moo cows!" "Ah yes, little girl," says grandad testily, "but that isn't very grown up is it? Just say 'cows,' please." "Sorry, grandad." A little while later, she says, "Ooh look, grandad - baa lambs!" "Yes, very good," says grandad testily, "but that isn't very grown up either, isn't? Just say 'sheep.'" "Sorry, grandad." A little while later, grandad says to her, "That looks like a very nice book you're reading there, little girl. What is it?" "Winnie The Shit, grandad..." |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Nov 17 - 08:19 PM Bloke walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his trousers. Barman says to him, hey, mate, there's a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your trousers. Bloke says, Yeah, I know. It's driving me nuts. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Joe_F Date: 19 Nov 17 - 09:04 PM Q. Where do most women have curly hair? A. In Africa. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Nov 17 - 09:18 PM Er, right... |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Georgiansilver Date: 20 Nov 17 - 07:06 AM My ex stood in front of the full length mirror. She said ' Oh no! My hair is going thin, my forehead is getting creases, my facial skin is starting to sag, I have crows feet round my eyes, My neck is like chicken skin, my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has stretch marks too, I have cellulite on my rear end and legs and my toes have gone very crooked. Please tell me something good about me darling' I replied ' Your eyesight is perfect love' |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Mrrzy Date: 20 Nov 17 - 11:26 PM What happens when a frog parks illegally? It gets toad. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Mr Red Date: 23 Nov 17 - 06:12 AM Your eyesight is perfect love LOTF |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Donuel Date: 23 Nov 17 - 07:35 AM Melody:If I Only Had a Brain (From the Wizard of Oz) By Whiff; officially premiered at the Eerie (PA) H3 1st Anniversary Hash in July 1994 THE LAST OF THE TOXIC MALE SEX ABUSERS I could wile away the hours, Searchin' hills for flowers, Across a wide terrain. (repeat) I'd be chipper, and I'd be cheerful, If my stomach had a beerful, 'Cause I've only half a brain. (repeat) With my arms and legs akimbo, I'll be chasing after bimbos, Through mud, thorns, and rain. (repeat) I'll be making lots of passes, As I fondle all their asses, 'Cause I've only half a brain. (repeat) Chorus: I'll do oxys till me Lungs quit, COUGH Then I'll fire one up and take a little hit, I'll impress the women with my charming wit, As I shout out, "Show us your tits!" Then my beer I will be sharing, With them as their breast they're baring, Our urges unrestrained. (repeat) Oh, our language will be rude as, We exchange bod-i-ly fluids, 'Cause we've only half a brain. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Donuel Date: 23 Nov 17 - 07:42 AM From the popular and ever so clever hand of the proper and prim - Hillary Clinton: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the deplorable 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth basket receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn." |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Donuel Date: 23 Nov 17 - 10:50 AM Dreams of the Rich & famous; Neil Patrick Harris dreams of Sugar Plum Fairies dancing in his bed. Judge Roy Moore dreamed While naked at the alter the little children suffered and came unto thee. Donald Trump dreams of putting his feet up at the end of a tiring travel day onto the back of Barak Obama kneeling on all fours Ivanka dreams of the special place in hell reserved for her dad. George Lucas musically dreams We were singin' ... My my this here Anakin guy He maybe Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" Sayin' "soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Mrrzy Date: 10 Dec 17 - 10:38 PM The weather in Alabama should favor Moore... it's supposed to dip into the teens. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Georgiansilver Date: 11 Dec 17 - 06:36 AM THE POWER OF PRAYER. Mrs Brown had a wayward parrot, A pretty young thing called Flo. Who was always swearing or talking, In sexual innuendo. Mrs Brown went for tea with the pastor, One Sunday evening last year. Where she saw his old parrot praying, And it gave her a clever idea. She asked the pastor at tea time, Can I borrow your old parrot Rex, To try to influence my parrot Flo, Who talks of nothing but sex. She took Rex home that same evening, He prayed all the way in the car. She was so impressed by the old bird, Whose manners outshone Flos' by far. But when she put him in Flos' cage, She realised her greatest fears. Flo said 'Do you want a bit Rex'? And Rex said. 'I've been praying for this for years!!!!!!!! |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Donuel Date: 11 Dec 17 - 10:03 AM Introducing a new illumination movie: DESPICABLE ME 4 Moore. |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Mr Red Date: 12 Dec 17 - 05:04 AM Jack Benny was a complete, unfunny twat. Did I say humour was personal or what? Now would the misanthropes of this parish care to make a joke out of 20 seconds of silence? Jack Benny did, on the radio! OK it predicted on his stage personna of being stingy but in the context it was FUNNY. And it got laughs in three places. I like intellectual humour, but find there are people out there that just don't get the jokes. And some who kid themselves they are soooooo intellectual that they sort of knew the punchline before it was reached. And Cosmotheka used to tell the same jokes all the time, but you never lost money putting them on! I bet there are some miseries that wouldn't find Gerrard Hoffnung funny. I well remember a blind date with a girl who said she was a humourus person, so I said "I am not conceited, but I have every reason to be". She said, in all seriousness, "but that makes you conceited". The blinds went down rather quickly! |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 12 Dec 17 - 05:53 AM That was a snappy comeback, Mr Red! Does a drive-in cinema have wall to wall car petting? DC |
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017 From: Steve Shaw Date: 12 Dec 17 - 07:32 AM "Does a drive-in cinema have wall to wall car petting?" The new local cinematorium Is not just a super sensorium But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium. |