BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)

Subject: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 04 Sep 11 - 03:04 PM

One of my FB friends just put this gem on...not that I understand it, of course.. ;0)

"A Woman goes to the Doctors and say's " Doc every time i sneeze i have an Orgasm " The Doctor say's " What have you been taking for it?" She replies " Snuff" "

Teehee :0)

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: gnu
Date: 04 Sep 11 - 03:14 PM

Subject: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011

It's on the page onw.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: gnu
Date: 04 Sep 11 - 03:28 PM

hmmmm.... now?

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 04 Sep 11 - 04:12 PM

Sorry, gnu-ey, but....mine's better! ;0)

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: GUEST,josepp
Date: 04 Sep 11 - 11:54 PM

A wife asked her husband, "When you're on one of your boys' nights out, do you ever think of me?"

The husband replied, "Only when I don't want to come too fast."

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: GUEST,josepp
Date: 05 Sep 11 - 12:02 AM

Once a masked man was robbing a bank. He turns to leave and his mask slips off exposing his face. He hurriedly slips the mask back on and turns to the teller and asks, "Did you see my face?"

The teller defiantly responds, "YES I DID!" Boom! He shoots her right in the head and kills her.

He turns to the teller in the next booth and says, "Did you see my face?"

The teller defiantly responds, "YES I DID!" Boom! He shoots her right in the head and kills her also.

He turns to leave and notices a couple standing there mortified having witnessed the entire ordeal. The robber approaches the husband and says, "Did you see my face?"

The husband defiantly responds, "No but SHE DID!"

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Gurney
Date: 05 Sep 11 - 05:16 PM

Impromptu comment from my significant other:

We were having a morning lie-in and the do-gooder radio station was on.
"If you want to achieve, you must STOP PROCRASTINATING!"

"I'll stop procrastinating later on."

Made me laugh, anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Sep 11 - 03:31 PM

Sad news from Greece. Production of Taramasalta and Tzatziki has been stopped. Local politicians blame a double dip recession...

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Naemanson
Date: 07 Sep 11 - 08:56 AM

Knock, knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
That's "to whom"!

An English Major joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Gurney
Date: 07 Sep 11 - 03:51 PM

Ok,

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wurzel!
Wurzel who?
Just down the hall, on the left!

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 07 Sep 11 - 05:22 PM

Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Sep 11 - 08:46 PM

Q. Why has the depth of the human vagina never been measured accurately?
A. Because they keep sending in shmucks instead of engineers.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: kendall
Date: 08 Sep 11 - 09:11 AM

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome ...
So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really, what'd he say?"

He said: "Who the fuck did your hair?"

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Sep 11 - 01:11 PM

I accidentaly took Tipex (or Wite-out for you lot left of the pond) last night instead of my liquid Viagra. Didn't do my sex life any good but I woke up with a hell of a correction...

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: gnu
Date: 10 Sep 11 - 02:28 PM

Kendall, Dave... hahahahahahaaa

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Dani
Date: 10 Sep 11 - 02:33 PM

ok, Kendall.... you win this round.

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 10 Sep 11 - 04:51 PM

That was hysterical, kendall... :0) LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: kendall
Date: 10 Sep 11 - 07:37 PM

I didn't know it was a contest, Dani.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: kendall
Date: 11 Sep 11 - 11:23 AM

A friend of mine said he took a Viagra and an iron supplement at the same time and ended up pointing north for two days.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Sep 11 - 11:29 AM

Two guys in dark suits came to my door this morning extolling the virtues of brown bread for almost half an hour..... I asked them what they thought they were doing.. they replied that they are "The Hovis Witnesses"

(For our friends in US etc... Hovis is a brown bread in the UK.)

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 11 Sep 11 - 12:45 PM

This is from a post on Facebook, and it made me chuckle out loud.
"A husband bought his son an iPAD, his daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE and his wife an iRON. His wife wasn't impressed even after he explained that it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK and iCLEAN networks. This triggered the iNAG service which totally wiped out the iSHAG function."

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: SINSULL
Date: 11 Sep 11 - 01:05 PM

There was this guy who loved Bernaise Sauce ...


I can't tell ajoke. SIGH.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 Sep 11 - 02:52 PM

The Tommy Cooper story of his appearance at the Royal Variety Performance (claimed to be true) had that effect on me.
All the performers stood in a line after the show and when the queen approached Cooper he said, "are you going to the cup final this year"
Somewhat taken aback she replied, "No, we're abroad at that time".
"Can I have your ticket?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: kendall
Date: 11 Sep 11 - 03:11 PM

Hovis also makes a damn fine white bread.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Sep 11 - 02:42 AM

Sinsull ~~ You can't spell 'Béarnaise' either.

LoL.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Louie Roy
Date: 12 Sep 11 - 10:58 AM

When Henry Ford went to heaven Saint Peter asked him what he did on earth and he said that he had built a product more perfect than God . Saint Peter said God made a woman and Henry said yes that's true but he got the intake to close to the exhaust

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 12 Sep 11 - 11:40 AM

And St Peter responded that more men had ridden God's model than would ever ride Ford's

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Sep 11 - 02:41 PM

Honest, MtheGM, that is the accepted spelling used by all the cooking websites. Seems the sauce originated in Bern, Switzerland...guess I can tell a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 13 Sep 11 - 02:44 AM

"Béarnaise sauce (French: Sauce béarnaise) [be.aʁnɛz] is a sauce made of clarified butter emulsified in egg yolks ... Its name is related to the province of Béarn, France." Wikipedia

I only ever heard it pronounced by knowledgeable gourmets {e.g. the chefs in the famous in the 50s-60s French restaurant, Chez Cléo,11 Harrington Gardens, SW7, of which my mother was resident director} as "bay-are-nezz", as phoneticised above.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: kendall
Date: 13 Sep 11 - 01:30 PM

Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise.

Subject: RE: BS: Laugh Out Loud Jokes! :0)
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Sep 11 - 01:36 PM

Reminds me of a very old one...

Irish foreplay:

"Brace yourself, Bridget!