BS: UK Jest thread for 2026

Subject: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Dec 25 - 10:11 AM

"Take my wife... please".

Henny Youngman 1933 King of the one-liners.

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 26 Dec 25 - 01:09 PM

Great! Let's star the new year with a bit of casual sexism.

What a wanker!

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Dec 25 - 03:47 PM

Subject: BS: Jest thread for 2026

Date: 26 Dec 25


Premature ejaculation can be so annoying

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Jest another thread
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jan 26 - 08:16 PM

AI has established the giga watt dollar for its financial transactions.
META News (formerly Facebook News)

An explosion of AI lawsuits have appeared since the creation of the Giga dollar. AI influencers have hired AI lawyers to sue sue AI physicians.
AI META News (formerly META News)

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 03 Jan 26 - 08:34 AM

A side comment on the intelligence of dogs, seen in ElReg:

There are plenty of dopey dog breeds out there ... usually handbag sized.

A manager I used to work with had a Pomeranian that would lose its mind over its own farts ... it would fart and start running around looking for an intruder.

Presumedly said manager is now looking for a dog coat with a silencer.

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Jan 26 - 07:42 AM

cartoon

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 06 Jan 26 - 04:13 PM

Just spotted in an ElReg comment, where the discussion veered into units of measurement:

Don't forget the firkin. It's the standard [unit] of error - things are either 2 firkin big or 2 firkin small.

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jan 26 - 08:51 AM

The new Health Dept. says marijuana can increase saliva production.
RFK says to "spit or get off the pot".

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Jan 26 - 10:45 AM

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Greenland?
Greenland's not for sale.

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jan 26 - 11:47 AM

Nigel Farage walks into a pub
Convinces the patrons to set it on fire, and basks in the warmth right outside, beyond the locked front door.

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Aethelric
Date: 13 Jan 26 - 10:33 AM

There can only be one Universe – simply because “uni” means one.

In the Multiverse there are not Universes – only Verses.

And the Verses go on forever,

A bit like a Leonard Cohen song.

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 Jan 26 - 12:26 PM

From Comments on Ofcom officially investigating X as Grok's nudify button stays switched on:

The funniest picture in the world, Trump nudified by Grok. Fatal to all that see it, My EYES, MY EYES.

I'm glad I've not seen it, but I'm assuming this is the origin story for Jabba the Hut?

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 26 - 12:59 PM

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President sir ?”

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 20 Jan 26 - 01:34 PM

From a discussion on a Royal Navy helecopter drone;

Slightly surprisingly, Britain's only functional attack submarine is being sent to Australia

I wonder what it was convicted of

Insubordination

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Jan 26 - 10:46 AM

In NASA's Artemis II Moon rocket arrives at the launch pad, the image of Artemis II being transported, *very*, *very* *slowly*, to its launch site:

[ ... ] was also sent to us by an individual at a space agency that isn't NASA. They observed that it had been "going around like wildfire."

Quite why Europeans should have a bit of a downer on the US in January 2026, and be poking fun at NASA's Moon rocket, is a mystery to us.

See the picture to gain enlightenment.

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Jan 26 - 11:04 AM

Apologies for threadbombing* ....

In the comments on an article about Bluetooth pairing bugs, a couple of instances of karmic payback:

I use it on the Bluetooth speakers that some idiots insist on using on trains. After connecting it play Herself's watching the news about Davos^†, so I don't have tos an audio file in English, Arabic and Pushtu of a female voice saying "My son, if only your father had used a condom".

Eldest used to get annoyed with one particular boy on the school bus who insisted in playing unedifying music through a Bluetooth speaker. Eldest reslised that the speaker was in pairing mode immediately after being switched on so would try to get in first, and if successful would play slightly more edifying music. Maybe theme tune from Thomas the Tank Engine or sommat.

Annoying boy apparently never worked out exactly what was going on.

* Herself's watching the news about Davos^†, so I don't have to.

† Neither of us can easily *not* read or pronounce that as "Davros".

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Jan 26 - 11:13 AM

Arghissimo: let's try that again (please fix up, O kind Mudelf) ....
    ----
Apologies for threadbombing* ....

In the comments on an article about Bluetooth pairing bugs, a couple of instances of karmic payback:

I use it on the Bluetooth speakers that some idiots insist on using on trains. After connecting it plays an audio file in English, Arabic and Pushtu of a female voice saying "My son, if only your father had used a condom".

Eldest used to get annoyed with one particular boy on the school bus who insisted in playing unedifying music through a Bluetooth speaker. Eldest reslised that the speaker was in pairing mode immediately after being switched on so would try to get in first, and if successful would play slightly more edifying music. Maybe theme tune from Thomas the Tank Engine or sommat.

Annoying boy apparently never worked out exactly what was going on.

* Herself's watching the news about Davos^†, so I don't have to.

† Neither of us can easily *not* read or pronounce that as "Davros".

Subject: RE: BS: Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 26 - 09:37 AM

Why did the folk singer only bring a notebook to the Battle of the Bands?
He heard that paper beats rock.

Subject: BS: UK Joke Thread
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Jan 26 - 10:37 AM

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he notices a $10 bill and a note in the dog’s mouth that reads: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes up shop to follow him.
He watches in awe as the dog waits for a green light, looks both ways, and trots across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, the dog walks to the front, inspects the bus number, and hops on.
Dumbstruck, the butcher boards too, following the dog as the bus travels to the suburbs. After a while, the dog stands on his back legs, pushes the “stop” bell, and gets off. The butcher follows closely.
The dog runs up to a house, drops the bag of lamb chops on the doorstep, and backs up. He takes a big run and whap! slams into the door. No answer.
The dog repeats the process—slamming into the door several times—then jumps on a wall, circles the garden, beats his head against a window, and jumps back down, waiting at the door.
Finally, a big guy opens the door and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher, furious, runs up and yells, “What the hell are you doing? This dog is a genius!”
The owner replies, “Genius, my ass… it’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

Subject: RE: BS: UK Joke Thread
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Jan 26 - 10:40 AM

There was an old man who lived in a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Joke Thread
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Jan 26 - 10:40 AM

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 26 - 01:17 PM

Mr. Red did you change the title of your thread to honor nationalistic privatism?
I'm not fond of either.

Or is it about UK Ugly Kids?

---

The name was changed when threads were merged. Please don't hog the space. ---mudelf

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Jan 26 - 02:33 PM

ICE agents are just the average Americans of modest means, the common clay of the MAGA Midwest, South, and the wild west, you know...
morons.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Raggytash
Date: 25 Jan 26 - 06:32 PM

And the jest is?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jan 26 - 08:03 AM

You would have to know the genius of Mel Brooks and Blazing Saddles.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 26 Jan 26 - 01:24 PM

From: Donuel - PM
Date: 12 Jan 26 - 11:47 AM

Nigel Farage walks into a pub
Convinces the patrons to set it on fire, and basks in the warmth right outside, beyond the locked front door.


The joke is much longer than it needs to be, i.e. the first two words.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Jan 26 - 04:49 PM

You would have to know the genius of Mel Brooks and Blazing Saddles.

we don't need no stinkin' badges..................

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 26 - 05:23 PM

'badgers'

Lilli von Stupp: I've heard what they say about how your kind are endowed.. ITS TWOO ITS TWOO.
Bart: No offense Miss von Stupp but you are sucking on my arm.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Jan 26 - 11:29 AM

Melania's movie will not be shown on planes for fear people will walk out...

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Jan 26 - 07:46 AM

heh heh

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Jan 26 - 07:56 AM

The biggest bomb in the US arsenal is the Melania Movie.
Trump might use it in Iran.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 31 Jan 26 - 11:15 AM

Not a jest, but a jest-adjacent tale (of unknown height) from a discussion about the London Tube:

When I was living in central London in the mid 80s I had several acquaintances studying music at the RCM*. They fairly regularly used to organise circle line parties wherein members of a band, or musical ensemble, depending on the genre, would loiter at successive stations on the circle line with their instruments waiting for the train with their gathering of friends & band mates to appear. After 30 mins or so one carriage would be in full swing & if they weren't causing a nuisance / looking likely to damage or defile anything (always a risk with music students) & the service wasn't too busy the staff would usually leave them to it for at least a lap or two.

* Royal College of Music

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Jan 26 - 11:36 AM

The source of information in this long Threads platform thread transcend nations, the sources of lyrics and plots and concepts the participants add. It is based on the Melania "documentary" (if there was ever a time when we needed Catherine O'Hara, it is now, because this should be a mocumentary): (cropped from the Convicted Felon thread)

This leads to the alternative synopsis of the Melania documentary - it goes on forever and is very funny; book and TV plots and lots of old songs: For anyone who hasn’t watched the Melania movie, here is a summary of the plot:

(My favorite so far was the Meatloaf verses) and as one reader commented "This entire thread wins the internet today."

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Aethelric
Date: 31 Jan 26 - 01:13 PM

Conversation on AF1

I’m sorry to interrupt Mr President, but I think you ought to know that the oustide port engine has failed, so we are now flying on three engines.

So, what does that mean?

We will be around 20 minutes late landing sir.

Thats OK, we can handle that.

10 minutes later

Sorry to bother you again Mr President, but you should know that the outside starboard engine has failed. So we are down to two engines.

So, what happens now?

We will be around 45 minutes late sir.

That is bad, really bad. Someone will get fired over this.

10 minutes later.

Sorry to interupt again sir, but the inside starboard engines has failed, we are now just flying on one engine and we will be around an hour an a half late.

Oh good grief. If the other one fails we’ll be up here all day!

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 01 Feb 26 - 09:47 AM

More comments from ElReg, this time on Watchdog says US weather alerts are getting lost in translation:

Sure, many people in the USA have ‘limited ability to read, speak, write, or understand English’. But they are not known for being able to speak other languages ....

Only allow people to stay if they can prove they are real Americans, i.e. the ability to speak Navajo, Cherokee, Cree, Shoshone, Mohawk etc.

*Agree* (though the Inuit might like to have a word). The next comment was:

The problem is, so many speak fluent Neanderthal.

.... which I think is harsh on Neanderthals, but reminds me of the time that I found, when installing RedHat 5, that the installer language could be set to Redneck*. This caused the installer to use English-comprehensible alternate strings in its descriptions, which was much peppered with rebellious grumblings and the cuss-word "hippie". (Allegedly, one of the RedHat crew really did speak like that.)

* Initially used to test the installer's i18n (internationalization) code; sadly dropped in RedHat 6 et seq.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Ukelele Klan Jest thread
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Feb 26 - 01:28 PM

Ukelele Klan Jest

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane that included the Ukulele Klan players, and called ground control with a list of demands.
They told the negotiator that if their demands weren't met, they would release one ukulele player every 10 minutes!

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Feb 26 - 06:38 PM

Well, I have given it a month and can honestly say that, apart from a few hopeful but doomed posts, a smile has not crossed my lips.

I shall leave you guys to whatever it is you call humour but hope that you will heed a bit of advice, Jests, jokes and humour in general can be about making others feel uncomfortable and trying to be clever. But most people would prefer a laugh. Don't believe me? Compare the number of contributors to the previous joke threads to this one.

Enjoy yourselves.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 02 Feb 26 - 02:50 AM

I did chuckle at the one about the dog who forgot his keys, Dave. Otherwise…crickets.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Vincent Jones
Date: 02 Feb 26 - 04:21 AM

I understand that Celine Dion is supporting farmers.

In solidarity, she is removing all the consonants from her name.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Feb 26 - 07:23 AM

Dave is ridiculously   funny?