BS: Joke thread for 2025

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Jul 25 - 02:51 AM

Yebbut some streams stink and splashing them over everyone else's shoes is not on

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 19 Jul 25 - 05:24 AM

A couple go into a restaurant. The man orders two bowls of soup as a starter.
When the waiter returns, the man notices that he has his thumb in his, so he says "If you're thumb's cold, why don't you shove it up your ass?!" and the waiter says "Well, I do when I'm in the kitchen!"

-F

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Jul 25 - 08:48 AM

I made up a new word! I call it Plagiarism.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Jul 25 - 09:09 AM

That's a good one. I'm stealing it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 19 Jul 25 - 03:18 PM

Gilly -

Here's a vote for you to stay.

-F

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Jul 25 - 10:44 AM

They say it's best to have unlikely relationships and when disagreeing, to not be disagreeable, so a few advanced alien lifeforms have learned to share their observation of Earth. A first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 20 Jul 25 - 12:10 PM

My Motorcycle Accident by Kay Moffitt

Subject: Things I find amusing
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Jul 25 - 05:02 AM

After dancing with an elderly dancer she says "that was energetic I am sweating"
Says I with a knowing smile "was it good for you?"
after just enough delay to prove the ambiguity had registered - she laughs gently and reflectively. Remembering something.

cue joke police

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jul 25 - 07:27 AM

In a discussion in physics class about the Fermi paradox, a young student asked, " What's a billion years of difference in evolution among friends?" The professor quickly answered, "It's about the same difference between a Mimosa plant and Einstein."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jul 25 - 02:55 PM

I asked God what would our lifetime be in His reckoning He told me it would be less than a second. asked God 'What would £1,000,000 be like if it were yours...God replied that it would never be but that a million pounds would be like a penny to Him. I said to Him...'Can I have one of your pennies'? He replied 'Of course my son..just wait a second'

Subject: chip designer's joke
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 06:19 AM

One from Don Macmillan who does very funny jokes with PowerPoint.

Why is the Higgs Boson the Pope's favourite particle?

Because without the Higgs, there would be no mass.

he was a chip designer at IBM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 07:50 AM

What is God's favourite chord?



Gsus

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 01:33 PM

My brother is a lovely girl.

She's my transister.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 04:04 PM

Stolen from the comments section for Stop flooding us with AI-based grant applications, begs Health Institute in (surprise) The Register:

Close the loop, with more AI (User McUser)

An AI writes the grant application, an AI approves it, an AI then does all the research using other AIs, another AI reproduces it, another AI files the patent, an AI approves that, then another AI starts a company to commercialize it with yet another AI that hypes it up before the IPO then cashes out immediately and runs off to somewhere with cheap electricity and lax tax laws where it invests in an AI company that writes grant applications.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Raggytash
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 06:26 PM

Perhaps in the wrong thread?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jul 25 - 09:20 AM

I am resisting reposting my joke about plagiarism!

Subject: you either think it's a joke or you don't
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Jul 25 - 10:40 AM

I "cooked" up a joke about Marmite, it's a crocker......... I tell 'em better (in a Frank Carson voice)

but I can't tell you

it's in bad taste

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Jul 25 - 06:27 AM

There is a joke about margarine too but not heard it lately as people are not spreading it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 27 Jul 25 - 09:03 AM

Have you heard the covers band Paper? Apparently they only cover Rock.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jul 25 - 03:01 PM

What' a moslem's favorite Mexican dish?

Inchalladas!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jul 25 - 10:42 AM

I told a friend the joke about the wall....He couldn't get over it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 28 Jul 25 - 04:46 PM

Waiting For Dinner by Sally Vating

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jul 25 - 08:46 AM

A husband would always turn the lights on when he initiated a romantic encounter, but his wife would then turn them off. One day, he said, "I am surprised you still feel shy and turn off the lights".
The wife said, "That's so cute. You think it's me, I don't want you to see".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 31 Jul 25 - 04:41 PM

What's the difference between a banjo player and a pizza?



A pizza can feed a family of four.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 25 - 07:35 AM

Pete Seeger fed his family despite the banjo because of good ideas.

What urban creature keeps musical time?
A metro-gnome.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Aug 25 - 08:00 AM

There are 3 high temples of materialism in America,
1. The Mega Prosperity Churches.
2. TV shows like The Price is Right and Let's Make a Deal, which is more honest since you run a one in three chance of getting a worthless Zonk deal.
3. Then there is the new Presidency.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Aug 25 - 10:01 AM

Yesterday I was in Gainsborough and found myself behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed in ice. Oops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called Lincoln Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Aug 25 - 12:24 PM

Sorry Don. We don't keep time. We built the Paris underground train system.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 02 Aug 25 - 08:38 AM

Shooting at Stones by Rick O'Shea

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 25 - 01:11 PM

How to be Irritating by Nancy Mace


Nancy Mace calls herself Trump in high heels

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Aug 25 - 10:34 AM

Couple of Yorkshire jokes from my fellow ex-pat Lancastrian :-D

Q. How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Eyup, lad, it's not that dark...


A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed.
He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. He'd asked for his family to be gathered in his bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is me darling wife here wi' me?”

“Yes, love, I'm here..."

“And me son, is he 'ere in t'bedroom wi' me?”

“Aye, dad, I’m here.”

"Warrabout me lovely daughter?"

"Aye, dad, here I am, and all your grandkids are here too. Everybody's here..."

“Then why's bloody light still on in t' front room?”

Subject: a dancing joke
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Aug 25 - 08:09 AM

At a dance in Sidmouth I commented when the name of the dance was called. The caller thought it so excruciating he decided to repeat it. Probably in his repertoire now.

He "Bishop"
Me "Mitres Well"

The groans from the assembled dancers were very rewarding.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Aug 25 - 05:38 PM

Those who hate speeding tickets, raise your right foot

Those in favour of glove puppets, put your hand up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Aug 25 - 04:36 PM

Donald Trump is flying over Washington DC.

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people lucky!"

Don Jr. looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."

Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!"

Melania turns to him and says, "Master, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people as pleased as punch!"

Donald looks at her and says, "That is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"

The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people ecstatic?"

Subject: Quantum Joke for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Aug 25 - 05:12 AM

A quantum computer start-up in Australia - PsiQuantum - one of its four co-founders - is the grandson of Erwin Schrödinger
source New Scientist - though he must be an investor, not listed on website. But as PR goes - it goes a long way

So the fate of his cat may hang eternally in the balance but his name lives.

Subject: due diligence
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Aug 25 - 05:16 AM

er, the name just died!

Terry Rudolph

Note to self.......... read the small print

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 14 Aug 25 - 10:08 AM

Found this in Genius at Play (a book about the mathematician John Conway):

Conway was at a pig-roast, at which it happened that there was a table of French speakers, and another of English speakers (including Conway). A French person gestures to two spare chairs at the latter table, and asks, "May we?"

CONWAY: Mais oui!

It is his proudest pun, of which he's said, "I've been trying to set it up again ever since."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Aug 25 - 07:04 PM

The car repair shop that fixes cars whose symptoms disappear when brought to the dealership uses excarcisms and is called 'The power of Chrysler compels you'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 17 Aug 25 - 03:52 PM

A lot of people say "Donald Trump is a piece of shit"

But they don't say that on the Isle of Lewis, where his mother came from.

They say "Donald Trump is a piece o' shite".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Aug 25 - 08:35 AM

...a rare real lol...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 03:16 AM

Just found this in an unrelated context:

How to Use a Microwave Without Summoning Satan

Does this mean if I use a lower wattage, say, thawing some food, that I will only get a lesser demon?

(reply)

.... it might explain how diabolical some of the ready-meals are.

(reply)

Well, actually, you get the same demon but for less of the time.

Microwaves reduce their power by running intermittently.

At full power the demon is summoned, and then banished by the "bing" at the end.

At lower power settings the demon is summoned then banished a few times a second. This annoys the demon considerably and is therefore a much greater risk.

Go safely when you cook, folks.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Aug 25 - 11:45 AM

The Welsh for Microwave (Oven) is: Poppty Ping

The literal translation for poppty is "oven" - note to Cymraigophones that is what Google thinks also "popty microdon". & I did buy a packet of Welsh Cakes that declared - "Poppty Jones" - Jones the Baker I guess.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 27 Aug 25 - 07:40 AM

Just saw this ....

As I was walking up the stair
I saw a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I *think* he's from the NSA ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Aug 25 - 06:21 AM

New terms I haven't seen before: in answer to "does anyone have one [a PDP11/73] to test it on?", someone said:

I've got a couple buried somewhere in my piling system ...

There then followed a discussion on the possible Freudian slip for "filing system", concluded by:

Piling systems are to techies and academics as floordrobes are to teenagers.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Aug 25 - 09:55 AM

The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven say a lot about the anticipated traffic numbers.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Aug 25 - 03:35 PM

Infants and toddlers can be aggravating and loud, so god made a baptism rule to get into heaven. Recently, god made the cutoff at 24 hours after birth. Heaven is much quieter now. Rules are rules.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 31 Aug 25 - 03:36 PM

A preacher has fallen through a rope bridge crossing a raging river. He's managed to grab a rope and is dangling in mid-air.

A man calls to him from the bridge "Do you need any help preacher?" "No, no. I've put my faith in God, he'll look after me".

A boat comes along and the skipper tells him to drop to the deck "No, no. I've put my faith in God, he won't let me down".

The preacher eventually falls into the river and is eaten by a crocodile. He gets to Heaven and says to God "I've served you, had faith in you - what happened?" And God says "Well, I don't know, I sent a man and a boat..."

-F

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Sep 25 - 04:41 PM

In Chicago with troops in the streets, the Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replied, "Bullshit. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him hard in the face and the crowd went wild!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Sep 25 - 09:38 AM

Well done, Don! That was actually a joke :-D

Mind you, it would never happen. If the Pope was wearing his frock, Trump would try to shag him...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Sep 25 - 09:39 AM

Oh, and 400 :-D