BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 17 Sep 24 - 04:35 AM

OK, two quote completions by Willy Rushton:

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings ....
    .... and straight down the back of your suit.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle ....
    .... if you put it through the liquidiser first.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 22 Sep 24 - 08:00 AM

There are three kinds of people, those who can do math and those who can't.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Sep 24 - 09:13 AM

Nah. There are 10 kinds. Those who understand binary and those that don't.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 23 Sep 24 - 06:30 AM

IMHO the two sorts of people are those who divide the world into two sorts of people, and the rest of us.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Sep 24 - 07:07 AM

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

-sounds like a Stephen Wright.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Sep 24 - 08:09 AM

A bloke had just finished a round of golf on his own, and because it had been a hot day he decided to have a shower in the clubhouse before he went home. Unfortunately, he went into the women's changing room by accident and had his shower there without realising. Then, to his horror, he heard three women chatting outside the door of the changing room. It having dawned on him what had happened, he waited and waited - but the ladies weren't going anywhere. He thought to himself, "How am I going to get out of here? All I have is a flimsy little towel and all my clothes are out there in my locker!" After a long wait he decided to just wrap the towel round his head so he couldn't be recognised and make a run for it. So he ran past the three women and and they all looked his naked torso up and down. The first woman said, "Hmm. He definitely isn't my husband..." The second woman said, "Well he doesn't look anything like my husband 'down below' either. Far less well-endowed..." The third woman said, "I can definitely tell you for nothing that he's not even a member of this golf club...."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Sep 24 - 03:10 AM

What do you call a room full of drummers?

Anything you want THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU


What do you call people who decide what is funny and what is not?

Not funny, but cue surrogate answers............

hint - there is wit, there is irony, there is humour, there are puns, there is subtlety, there is paronomasia, there is amiguity, there is dichotomy, and there is narcissism

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Sep 24 - 05:35 AM

Are you channeling Donuel Mr Red?

A young woman went into the chemists and asked the pharmacist furtively if they sold extra-large condoms.

"Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

"No thanks. I'm just going to lurk here until somebody does..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 30 Sep 24 - 03:17 PM

Q. If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?
A. The airplane.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Sep 24 - 03:50 PM

I went to the General store, they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. - Stephen Wright

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Oct 24 - 07:20 AM

She was bent over the freezer in front of me, wearing only a short skirt.I was so turned on, I couldn't resist so I got close to her and did the business. Never doing it like that again as we've been banned from Sainsburys!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 07 Oct 24 - 02:40 AM

These three dogs are sitting in the Vet's waiting room discussing why they are there. The first dog said he had been getting loose and biting the mailman so he was here to be put to sleep. The second dog said he couldn't stop tearing up the trash and furniture. He was also there to be put down. The third dog said "Well, my owner likes to exercise naked and there she was bent over in front of me and I could not resist. I mounted and had my way with her." The first dog asked "so you're here to put to sleep too then?" and he replied "no, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Oct 24 - 05:45 AM

Two blokes are sitting at the bar. One asks the other why he's looking so miserable.

"Well I was watching this porn film when my wife opened the bedroom door..."

"So she caught you watching porn! Is that such a big deal?"

"No, no! She opened the bedroom door in the film..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Oct 24 - 09:49 AM

Where did the new glass go?

Nova Scotia!

Told by a WashPo reader to Alexandra Petri
(To appease the Stolen From The Internet folks)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Oct 24 - 10:19 AM

My wife is going to the States

Where abouts?

Alaska

Do you not know already?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Oct 24 - 01:36 PM

Idaho, Alaska...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Oct 24 - 09:51 PM

A dustbin man knocks on a a guy’s door, looking for his rubbish / garbage / trash. The guy’s English isn’t great..

He opens the door slightly, with a red, sweaty face.

”Where’s yer bin?” asks the binman.

”Errr… I bin in barfwoom,” responds the bloke.

”No, mate: where’s yer BIN?” he asks again.

”I told you. I BIN in barfwoom..”

Getting exasperated, the binman says “Look - WHERE’S YOUR WHEELIE BIN?”

The chap’s shoulders slump and, crestfallen, he lowers his head…

”Oh, OK… I wheelie bin having a wank..”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Oct 24 - 08:27 AM

"Is she Hungary?"
"Alaska"
"Give her a Canada Chili.'

from my father, 70+ years ago

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Oct 24 - 01:43 PM

Baby seal walks into a bar... what'll you have?

...

Anything but a Canadian club!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 20 Oct 24 - 02:40 AM

When this guy was a kid his grandpa told him that if he wanted a long life he should sprinkle a spoonful of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. He started doing as grandpa suggested and he recently passed at the age of 93. He left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 12 great-grandchildren and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Nov 24 - 08:44 PM

Scientists have discovered that people don't eat clocks because it is time consuming.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Nov 24 - 03:39 PM

What did one sagging boob say to the other?

We better perk up...



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...before someone thinks we're nuts!