BS: Dying alone stinks

Subject: Dying alone stinks
From: GUEST,SharonA at the library
Date: 16 May 02 - 08:42 PM

The following narrative is not for the weak of stomach! Sorry, but I've got to get this out of my system. Read on at your own risk...

Dying alone stinks... in more ways than the obvious one. Case in point: Bruce, my neighbor in the apartment building where I live (and where he doesn't, anymore). The coroner took his body away last night; the policeman said he'd been dead for about four days. I suspect it might have been more, but I can't be sure. The fact that nobody will ever really know his time of death for sure is another thing that stinks.

When I moved into the building almost two years ago, Bruce was already living there, downstairs and across the hall. The hallway is small - it connects only four units within a larger building - and it was often filled with foul odors from Bruce's apartment (cigarette smoke, burning food, overripe food, waste odors from his cats). So I didn't really notice anything different, at first, and can't pinpoint the moment when I started smelling something odd. I was only annoyed at what I thought was the smell of a litter box that wasn't being scooped. But then (when?), I began to suspect that someone's toilet had backed up, but I still couldn't pinpoint which apartment was emitting the sewer-y odor.

Otherwise, things seemed fairly normal in the hallway: Bruce's TV was on constantly, his air conditioner was running non-stop, and Bruce was never seen outside. Nothing unusual; I never got to know Bruce but I understood him to be on some sort of disability, since he never went to work. I guessed him to be in his 50s; he was very overweight, a heavy drinker and smoker, and alone in the apartment after his girlfriend and her adult son moved out last summer. At first, after the breakup, I'd see him outside with two cats he said she'd left with him for a while but would pick up later on. After a few months I didn't see the cats - or him - anymore. Once in a while his Jeep would be parked at a different angle in its space, the only indicator that he ever ventured out.

The night before last, the temperature went down into the mid-40s Fahrenheit, and I noticed that Bruce's air conditioner was still running. I thought he might just have been using it as an exhaust fan... except that I didn't smell the usual cigarette-smoke odor. I didn't smell anything else from his air-conditioning vent, either, but the stink in the hallway was getting noticeably worse. I started sniffing at doorjambs to try to track it down, to no avail.

By noon yesterday, when I came home from work for lunch, the stench was enough to take away my appetite. This time Bruce's doorjamb definitely smelled worse than the rest of the hallway. Still, I hesitated to knock on his door, not wanting to confront him if he was there and drunk and liable to become unreasonably angry. But when I took into consideration the lack of cigarette odor and the fact that the TV volume was lower than usual and hadn't changed for a couple of days, I figured that either he was away with someone and left his car, and left the TV and air on for indoor cats he might still have, or... So I left a telephone message for the landlord, saying I was concerned and asking him to check out the situation.

I went out for the evening (and to eat dinner somewhere nicer-smelling), and as I drove back I saw that lights had been turned on in windows of Bruce's apartment that had been dark before. Great, I thought, Bruce is back from wherever he went and now I'm going to be really embarrassed when the landlord tells him about the message I left. But then I turned into the parking lot and saw the police car, and the coroner's vehicle, and the gurney next to the opened hallway door, and Bruce's apartment door standing open just inside.

Of course the stench escaping from his apartment was twenty times worse than when the door was closed, and I could see lots of mouldering food and trash in the kitchen. How long it had been there before Bruce died is anyone's guess. I could hear my landlord talking with the policeman further inside, and wondered how they could stand to breathe in there. I went upstairs, out of the way of the cop and coroner, and came down again to speak to the landlord after Bruce's body was taken out and put into the coroner's SUV (yep, SUV!).

The landlord thanked me several times over for calling him. He said he'd entered the apartment and found Bruce in the bathroom, on the john. He'd died like Elvis. Probably a heart attack, according to the cop. The landlord was obviously shaken; he's a youngish guy and I suspect it might have been his first time dealing with a death in one of his buildings. He said he didn't know Bruce well but was still upset because he'd talked to Bruce a few times, and had listened to Bruce talk out his sorrow when he'd notified the landlord that his girlfriend wasn't on the lease anymore. The landlord said that the "ambulance guys" were laughing and cracking jokes over Bruce's body (there's that black humor again) while he asked in vain for some respect for the dead. I have to imagine that EMTs see so many bodies mangled horribly in accidents that a situation like last night's is akin to comic relief... but I didn't say that to the landlord just then!

I did say that this is the third time an apartment-neighbor of mine has died at home, down the hall from me, though this is the first time I played a part in the discovery of the body. My co-workers tell me that I should feel good for having made the call so that the body could be laid to rest at last, but I don't feel so good about taking so long to call. I don't feel good about the fact that it took a near-stranger to make that call, that there was no one in his life who was missing him. The landlord said he didn't even have a next-of-kin on his lease application; now the landlord has to go through Bruce's stuff to try to find someone to notify of the death.

And I don't feel good about not "meddling" in Bruce's life, about not seeing the danger signs that said he was headed for this kind of an end, about not at least calling the landlord to alert him to the situation before Bruce died.

Dying the way Bruce did is a sad, sorry way to leave the world, and too much like the sad, sorry way Bruce had lived in it. If anybody has read this far, I thank you for listening to me ramble on about this. I'd like to say just one more thing, to those who are enduring the pain of watching a loved one suffering through some terminal illness: cherish the chance you have to say farewell, to tell your loved one that he or she will be missed, to show your loved one that he or she will pass away in the continuing presence of your love, and so will never die alone.

Sharon

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Amos
Date: 16 May 02 - 08:47 PM

Sharon:

Than you so much for a beautiful, tragic story; thanks for being there and witnessing as you did.

Thanks for the reminder that we should fight like hell to make sure neither we nor those we know and care about manage to paint themselves into such a cold, hard corner.

I am glad you're here!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: GUEST,SharonA at the library
Date: 16 May 02 - 08:58 PM

Thanks, Amos. (Wow, that took a lot longer for me to type than it took for you to read!) Thanks, too, for saying so eloquently one of the things I was trying to convey. Please do a better job of caring than I did!

Sharon

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Ebbie
Date: 16 May 02 - 08:58 PM

What Amos said. And if we linger in the vicinity for some time, Bruce knows your concern.

There is a comforting thought I utilize on occasion. If having a body remain undisturbed after death for a small period of time is important to optimize one's experience in the life just ended, maybe that is all part of the plan. (Wow. I know how banal and sticky that sentence sounds.)

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: michaelr
Date: 16 May 02 - 09:02 PM

A chilling example of how the fabric of our society is unraveling as the safety net of the family unit is shredded. Let us take better care of each other.

Michael

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 16 May 02 - 09:04 PM

Well reading this has prompted me to tidy up, at least the people downstairs will know if I am dead or not.
Sharon-Do not blame yourself at all, if you had checked on him every few days he would have probably told you to get lost.I do agree with you though it is a real shame that nobody missed him, it made me realise that I have absolutley no idea who my neughbors are or even what they look like.There was a case in the UK a couple of years ago were a man had been dead in his flat for 3 weeks, and his dog had eaten part of his body.john

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Amergin
Date: 16 May 02 - 09:04 PM

((((((((Sharon))))))))))))

dying alone must be the worst way to die...it reminds me of all the elderly people who are alone...and lie dead for weeks at a time....

there is a wonderful song by Eric Bogle about it...can't remember the name at the moment...but it is about an old woman who was found ten months after she died in her flat....

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Celtic Soul
Date: 16 May 02 - 10:02 PM

Not much I can say that has not already been much more eloquently said above.

So, I will just say that I am sorry for "Bruce", but also, that my heart goes out to you as well.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: DancingMom
Date: 16 May 02 - 10:08 PM

Goodness, that IS sad. A sad ending to what sounds like a lonely life. Do not beat yourself up over this. You were a good, caring neighbor. Of course you need to talk about the experience. We're here to listen.

We just never know what will happen tomorrow. Live life fully, and tell the people you love that you love them. Sharon.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Bobert
Date: 16 May 02 - 10:12 PM

Sharon, by sharing this with so many folks, I'd like to think (and do...) that you have elevated the spirit of Bruce's life. Yes, it is sad that Bruce died in his own solitude, but we are here in remembrance of his life, little as we knew of it. Thank you.

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: GUEST,ozmacca
Date: 16 May 02 - 10:53 PM

Just have to say this Sharon... At least you were there.

My father died some years back after a long illness, leaving my mother with suddenly no focus in her life. They were your actual devoted couple. Now I'd moved to Australia twenty years before, and although we'd been in touch, and they'd come out to see us and we'd gone back on holiday, we were separated by half a world. My mother said that she'd think about coming out to stay with us after father passed away, but I suppose we knew she would never do it.. leaving old friends etc etc..

I had a phone call from her local police early one morning to say that she'd been found dead. Apparently she'd sat down in front of the TV with a box of chocolates in her lap and just drifted off to sleep. It was two days later before her neighbours realised that she hadn't been out, and my uncle who lived nearby climbed in through an open upstairs window and found her.

It took me a couple of days to get travel arrangements made and I didn't get over there until two days after the funeral. It was while I was finalising her affairs that it finally brought it all home to me what had happened. I still deeply regret that I didn't insist on her coming to live with us, but, when I think about it, I suppose she went happy, surrounded by her own things and her memories and without pain.

Now, I don't want to go, as I keep telling myself, but if I have to, then that's the way I want. I console myself that it's not so important who is there with you at the end. More important may be who has been there during your life, and who has known you and loved you for the person you are. Then you will always live on in their memory. Everybody has had somebody to think of them with love. You may not realise it, but it's true, so Sharon, keep on living and just let people know you're there.

Sorry about that, I think I'm getting philosophical in my old age.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 May 02 - 11:07 PM

Hmmmm...

Encountering anything like this directly is very disturbing on many levels, as is seeing a sudden death occur...I saw someone killed (by all appearances) in a car wreck once when I was a kid, and it really shook me up for quite a while...a big feeling of emptiness in the stomach.

Death is something people would rather just not have to ever deal with or know about...which is one reason they buy meat at the supermarket, neatly packaged, instead of slaughtering the animals themselves.

We live in this weird antiseptic world, pretending it will never end, wrapping our sandwiches in plastic, watching our chattering TVs or our flickering computers...while the darkness waits just outside the window...

It is very sad that so many people are isolated now, and have no tribe, no extended family, just electronic placebos to keep them company.

Where are the cooking fires people once gathered around? "It's in the microwave."

As for dying alone...well, in some ways that might not be so bad. Animals go off alone somewhere to die, and they do it by choice. I can see where I might do the same, if I thought it was time.

Only thing is, you never are alone. Not in truth. But I can't prove that to anyone, and I wouldn't presume to. For those who want human company in such a time, I sure hope it's there when you need it.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Gypsy
Date: 16 May 02 - 11:21 PM

Oooohhhhh, SharonA, am so very sad for you. HE is doing great, and is in the light. It is the left behind, and hte second guessing and the 20/20 hindsight....you did your best, and no one can do better than that. My hugs go out to you. And my heart goes out to his last days. How very lonely.....

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Mudlark
Date: 17 May 02 - 12:37 AM

Sharon...very sorry for your experience, I can imagine how troubling it was and is. It seems to me that dying alone,however, is not the real problem. The problem is living lonely. I live alone, and for myself I would far rather die alone, in my home, whether in the bathroom or in bed or favorite chair, surrounded by familiar things. Far more difficult, for me, would be to die in a hospital or convalescent care facility, surrounded by others.

I have 3 dogs and I DO worry about them, so have a network of friends one of which I contact every day by email...just a few words. I am in California, she is in London, but if she doesn't get an answer to a prompt letter within 24 hours, she has numbers of friends and neighbors of mine, people to call who have agreed to take the dogs, etc.

Bruce's life seems lonely looked at from the outside, but perhaps he was living exactly as he wished. If not, that was his choice as well. Thanks for being the kind of person that cares so much. And for sharing your story....

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: wysiwyg
Date: 17 May 02 - 01:36 AM

Come on over!

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Bert
Date: 17 May 02 - 02:02 AM

Aw Sharon me luv,

There was nothing that you could have done to prevent his death. And once he had died he was feeling no more pain, so lying there didn't do him any harm.

I know it leaves you with a such a feeling of helplessness, but death does that to everyone.

I'm saving up a big hug for you for when I get back to PA.

Luvya,

Bert.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 17 May 02 - 02:09 AM

You BOTH deserve what you reaped.

Is your life so patheticly devoid of "real" flesh and blood humans.... that you must polute anonymous "friends".... with anonymous postings.... about an anonymous person.... no one gave a flying F about?

PLEASE - us by using Private E-Mail or the USPS for such matter....unless, of course, you are writing poetic lyrics to lament your loss.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 17 May 02 - 02:13 AM

At least you actually did something, and something positive. How many other neighbours do you and Bruce have? Who of them did anything?

I had to try and explain to Welfare (sorry, HR for the other siders) yesterday that I wanted to remain in a difficult work situation, despite being given the perfect escape route. My explaination is that some time ago, I worked for local government. A colleague suffered from depression and other permanent health problems. He was bullied by a manager, treated unsympathetically, never listened to (he was a serial whinger), refused transfers out and finally ended up hanging himself. I worked for the same manager and experienced similar problems with her but when I had the opportunity (pregnancy in my case) I left, and didn't continue my grievance with her because I was on maternity leave for a year. If I had pressed on with it, she would have been reprimanded, he would have been transferred and he wouldn't have ended his life that way. My situation now is similar, but I don't have the get out of jail free by getting pregnant card any more. If I leave without enough evidence to press a bullying grievance, he will start on someone else who might not be so willing to make a noise about it or able to deal with it. Or it might be someone who waits for him one evening and does something drastic (don't scoff, it has happenend, and not just by disgruntled taxpayers!)

There's no denying your experience has affected you. Perhaps it will make you get to know your other neighbours a bit better.... who knows? Perhaps it will turn you into a paranoid sniffer, reporting every strange odour 'just in case'.... whatever, you did something now, and I'm sure Bruce knows it. I'm also sure Bruce knows that the landlord tried to stop the jokes. You could write to the ambulance depot and demand an apology, but as you said, that sort of incident must come as light relief to them.

Take heart, be reassured.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: SharonA
Date: 17 May 02 - 09:41 AM

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words, hugs, compassion and comfort. Yes, Gargoyle, that really was me posting yesterday (not exactly anonymously!) and I really was at the library. I didn't really want to hang out at home; the stink still lingers in the air there, even though the landlord sprayed some disinfectant around Bruce's apartment and did a lick-and-a-promise cleaning. He said he'll be back this weekend to start pitching out furniture and such, but he thought he might need to have a professional cleaner come in. I suspect that Bruce's carpeting will have to go, too.

And yes, this experience will probably end up in a song I'll write. Those Mudcatters who know me in the 3D world (like bert) have heard other songs of mine that relate directly to experiences I've had. Of course I've told this story to those flesh-and-blood humans who aren't reading the Mudcat Forum as well as to those who are. But posting this story here allows me to get feedback and give-and-take from far more people than I could by private correspondence, and it gives me a much wider perspective on the situation – a global perspective. Quite possibly, the perceptions of one or more of these other posters here will be integral to the lyrics I may write. If and when I do compose a song about this sad situation, I will most certainly post it to this thread. If others have songs on the subject that they'd like to post here, please do.

Of course, I didn't have an original song for Bruce on Wednesday, but I did sing "Hard Times Come Again No More" into the night, for whoever (?) might have heard or felt it.

The point of the story is that no one gave a flying F about this person who made himself anonymous by his withdrawal. His depression and his substance abuse took him to that "cold, hard corner" where no one wanted to go to find him; he became repulsive in all the senses of the word. John from Hull is probably right that he would have blown me off if I'd tried to urge him to get some help, and it didn't seem that he had anyone in his life he wouldn't blow off... or who hadn't already blown him off. His choice to live that way? Maybe. But there's enough testimony in Mudcat threads about depression to convince me that there isn't always choice in the matter of how one lives with it.

I have more thoughts that I'll post later. Thanks again, everybody.

Sharon

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 May 02 - 10:05 AM

A telling story, Sharon, thanks for sharing it. If my brother does not change his ways it is very likely what will happen to him...he has pushed everyone away and so is alone with his cats. At least his landlady knows who to contact, though. It's a sad thing to contemplate.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: SharonA
Date: 17 May 02 - 10:45 AM

Thanks, kat. I want to alert everyone to the fact that an anonymous GUEST copied my story and posted it in at least one other Mudcat thread (the "Help: Liland invites prayers" thread) but typing "SharonAatLibrary" in the "From" field. Just in case it's appeared elsewhere as well, I want to make it clear that I left the library at its closing time of 9 PM Eastern Daylight Time, and have not posted from that time until 17-May-02 - 09:41 AM (the post above, in this thread, with cookie). Please rest assured that if I make a post from the library as a GUEST on another thread, and want to refer to this story, I'll post a link to this thread rather than take up bandwidth reprinting the whole thing. If this story reappears anywhere else in my name, I didn't put it there!

I'm sure that the anonymous GUEST had only good intentions, and I appreciate that someone was moved by the story enough to want more people to read it, but I'll be grateful if in future the poster would not type my name in the "From" field to make it appear as if I'd made the post. A sentence within the message to the effect that "SharonA wrote this on another thread" would be fine. Alternatively, a link or URL of the other thread would be shorter! *G* Thanks in advance.

Sharon

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: CapriUni
Date: 17 May 02 - 11:17 AM

Sharon --

This whole thing is* stinky, and brings something home to me: I use a wheelchair and live alone. My neighbors on the cul-de-sac all have steps up to their front doors, and work nine to five jobs while I don't (I'm on Social Security Disability Insurance, and share Dad's pension).

Although I am not a recluse in the sense that Bruce was, there are periods where days can go by where my neighbors and I don't see each other (just over the last two weeks, I had a tech problem with my motor chair, and I'm not independent enough to use my manual chair out of doors, so for two weeks, I was, for all practical purposes, homebound). It often goes through the back of my mind that if anything happened to me, would any of my neighbor's notice? I may have to work up some sort of plan, of contacting someone (perhaps the same person, and perferrably local) every day, to make sure this doesn't happen...

And what's happened/going to happen to the cats that lived with Bruce? Will they find good homes, will they be :::Shudder::: put down?

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Deda
Date: 17 May 02 - 11:34 AM

Dear Sharon,

Thank you for posting this disturbing and moving tale. It's a gift of some kind. I never know quite what it is I'm supposed to learn from troubling events, I don't think the real lesson is ever as pat and simple as an Aesop's moral -- but I'm grateful to have had the chance to read about sad and sorry Bruce and his sad, solitary end and post mortem, and your part in helping life to go on. I sometimes wonder how different this world would be, how each of our lives would be altered, if alchohol and its like were just magically eliminated, if everyone had to get through life without addictive crutches. Thank you again for sharing this experience with us all, and for using it as a creative stimulus instead of a depressant.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: SharonA
Date: 17 May 02 - 11:43 AM

CapriUni: The issue of the cats is one that the landlord and I were puzzling over, the other night. There were no cats in the apartment when the landlord entered. Yet both he and I have heard meowing sounds from behind the closed door in the not-too-distant past. We don't know if he gave his cats back to his ex-girlfriend or what. There's still a 6-foot cat tree in his living room, but no kitties. Makes me wonder if the cop was mistaken in assuming that Bruce had had a heart attack after all; perhaps he gave away his cats as part of a suicide plan, then took an intentional overdose of something and sat himself on the pot knowing that the body would void itself upon his death. I don't know if there are any plans to do an autopsy.

Good point, Capri – and ozmacca and Mudlark too – about letting people know you're there, and having a plan of regular contact with others. It's a lesson I need to take to heart as well, particularly since I too have a pet who would need to be cared for and taken in if I die unexpectedly (or even if I'm in a traffic accident and hospitalized, unable to tell anyone where I am).

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: CapriUni
Date: 17 May 02 - 01:03 PM

Re: regular contact with others.

I usually avoid the Oprah show (not sure if those not in the U.S. are familiar with this -- it's a weekdaily talk show aimed primaially at women, with a general focus on "Personal Wellbeing" issues), but last tuesday, I happened upon it while this little tidbit of information was being discussed:

Men and women respond to stress differently.

In men, the primary hormone that floods their system when they are under stress is adrenaline, which (as most know) triggers the "fight or flee" response (Bruce clearly fled).

But in women, the primary hormone that floods their system when is oxytocin (which is also released during labor, to make the uterus contract, and aftward, to get the milk to flow -- both labor and a hungry baby is stressful, and so I guess the body figures "Why reinvent the wheel?" so to speak). Rather than fighting or fleeing, oxytocin triggers the "befriend or tend" response (love dat babe, and cultivate a circle of girlfriends who can babysit! ;-)).

Not having an outlet to respond effectly to adrenaline increases the risk of heart attack. And the same is true for oxytocin.

Women who have a circle of friends they can turn to are 60% less likely to die from a heart attack.

So not only does staying in regular touch with a good friend give you a safety net in case you do have a heart attack, it will mean that you are less likely to have that attack in the first place...

Just a thought...

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: mack/misophist
Date: 17 May 02 - 01:31 PM

There is one thing you missed. Death isn't only necessary, it is a positive good. It's only the biological mess involved that makes it seem wrong. We must all die; each in his or her own way. Without that, there is no future.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 17 May 02 - 01:44 PM

Sharon -- That sort of thing is wrenching enough toread or hear about. I cannot imagine having been a part of it, However, you would appear to be going through a bad case of the "would'a, could'a, should'a's". Second guessing yourself only adds to the "surviver's guilt" factor. It just makes you feel more rotten than you already do. given the situation (which you could not have known at the time) you did the best you could. Further, you were the only neighbor to take any action at all. It's a damned small consolation I'll admit, but somtimes the small consolations are all we have.

Take heart, you are surrounded by friends.

Stephen

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Sorcha
Date: 17 May 02 - 02:00 PM

Sharon, I can't really add anything to what the others have said, but I can send a Second Hand Note from an emergency first responder..........

Mr. is a police officer, as many of you know, and he has been in this situation more than once. We live in a very small town, so if he doesn't actually know the deceased he knew of them. It never gets any easier and yes, the "jokes" are to cover up the pain. Some choose to joke, some to "macho it", some do sympathy, some never express anything. Those are the ones we worry about. Stuff like this builds up in first responders and if they can't/don't/won't get it out somehow, they won't last long.

It seems to me that the trouble with the ones who go the sympathetic route is that there is only so much sympathy to go around. Whizzy may disagree with me, I don't know, but I do think that you cannot care all the time about all the tragedies.........so you develop another outlet (hopefully!) for the tragedy in your own soul.

Speaking just for myself, I would much rather the EMT's, etc. joked and laughed over my remains than for one of them to go home and suicide because collecting "me" was the last straw...........it it has happened.

At the very least, you are an adult--think about what might have happened if the 10 year old paper boy had been the one to do all that you did..........Absolve yourself, Sharon. You did all that you could do.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: GUEST
Date: 17 May 02 - 02:07 PM

Funny that this little story set you off, Gargoyle, because some of us worry that you are going to end up like that--

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Genie
Date: 17 May 02 - 03:12 PM

Sharon,
Sorry for your ordeal, and I hope Bruce didn't suffer in his death. I agree wholeheartedly about telling your friends and family that you love them and they will be missed. Even if one of you dies days or weeks after the last contact with them, the message will be there.

Part of the bargain of living alone --especially if you have no landlord and no employer--is that if you die unexpectedly, it can be weeks before anyone finds out, even if you are not a hermit. I, for instance, occasionally go several weeks between phone calls to individual friends or family members, and they don't keep each other posted on when they last talked to me. I am often out of town when my car is still in front of my house, so seeing the car but not me does not trigger an automatic alarm for my neighbors. If I started pulling no-shows for my business appointments (music therapy and entertainment), I'd have a lot of folks mad at me, but I doubt that any of them would call the police or in any other way try to investigate. (My regulars might, and they would no doubt leave messages on my voice mail, but I doubt they'd call the police for a few days or weeks. And remember, if you're the homeowner, a search warrant would be required to enter the house.) Sometimes I do not have a tenant sharing the house. If it were winter, it might be a long time before neighbors noticed the smell if I died, and they might just think it was a dead possum under the porch or something. (That happens occasionally.) The first clue would no doubt be the mail piling up in my mailbox--provided that mail thieves didn't help themselves every few nights.

The point is that even if there are a lot of people who notice your absence for days or weeks, unless you have an employer, family or close friends with whom you check in regularly and frequently, it could be a long time before anyone would take the steps necessary to discover your death. (CapriUni, your situation is a case in point.) Friends and neighbors may assume you're out of town or maybe just under the weather or working overtime or just staying indoors for whatever reason.

What worse is, you could die slowly and unnecessarily because you were incapacitated inside your home and could not get to a phone. I think that's a side effect of our living very mobile lives in big towns where neighbors don't know each other's business.

Mudlark, I think your idea about having a network of folks to check in with regularly is a good one--especially if you have animals. But it can be a pain in the neck, too. Personally, I hate the hassle of HAVING to contact any one person every day or two (unless I'm seeing that person every day).

Capri, thanks for the info on hormones and heart attacks, too.

Genie

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: chip a
Date: 17 May 02 - 04:05 PM

Hey Sharon,

Some are mourned by royalty, some by an old dog, some by another lost soul living in the same alley. Our mourners register with the universe that we have worth and are cared for by someone. I think you have the special job of being Bruces mourner.

Peace,

Chip

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: CapriUni
Date: 17 May 02 - 04:13 PM

I think that's a side effect of our living very mobile lives in big towns where neighbors don't know each other's business.

Heh, heh... the neighbor kids (single-digit ages --4, 5, 6, 7) check on me relatively often, bringing my mail to my door, or bringing me flowers they've picked, but their parents hardly ever do (I think maybe a grown-up knocked on my door once, to give me some heads up about something). I think it's 'cause the grown-ups are worried about doing what's "proper" (not "butting in"), and the kids only worry about doing what feels "fun" or right...

I think it's a side effect of modern city planning. Where we work is zoned far away from where we shop or live, and there are no sidewalks in suburbia anymore, so to do anything, you have to go from the bubble of your car to the bubble of your cubicle to the bubble of your house... whereas, if we walked, we'd see each other out in the open...

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: SharonA
Date: 17 May 02 - 04:48 PM

Lots of good points here! Thanks again, everyone, for pondering this along with me. A lot of you seem to think that I "done good" so, okay, I'll try to stop beating myself up about it (that's hard, since I've beat myself up about so many things it's become a bad habit) (I don't know why flamers even bother with me; they can't say anything to me that's worse than some of the things I've said to myself!).

Can't help thinking back, though, to my first experience with death-next-door just about 20 years ago. That case was an accidental death of a baby who had been left for the afternoon with his cousin, my twenty-something neighbor. There again, the neighbor had a substance-abuse problem (drugs) and her husband had recently moved (or been thrown) out. She'd left the infant on a mattress on the floor, next to a baseboard heater, without any pillows to keep the kid from rolling. Then she turned the thermostat ALL the way up, and blacked out, leaving the baby (and her own toddler daughter) unattended. You guessed it; the baby rolled off the bed and onto the heater, and suffered fatal burns. That time, my phone call was to the police when I heard her screams after she came to and found the baby's body. The police were all too familiar with the young woman's problems, having been called to the apartment several times before. I couldn't help wondering at the time if I could have done anything to prevent that death, but it wasn't until then that she woke up to the fact that she had a problem and needed to straighten herself out – too late for her little cousin, unfortunately.

I just have to keep remembering that I'm not responsible for "tending" (as Capri put it) substance abusers. I can befriend but a friend can only do so much if the abuser isn't willing to help himself.

Thank you once again, one and all, for buoying my spirits and giving me the validation I've needed these last couple of days. You guys are great!

Sharon

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Mudlark
Date: 17 May 02 - 06:05 PM

CapriUni...thanks for the oxytocin input...i've read the articles, but have never heard the nifty "tend and befriend" phrase, which sums it up nicely.

Genie...it IS a drag having to check in with someone every day, and if it weren't for the dogs I'd probably do a bi-wkly thing. I'm not a recluse by any means, but live far out in the country so often days go by without my seeing anybody, and am very fine with that, like my privacy and freedom.

The other thing I've done is to get a cell phone. I hated to spend the money as I cant really afford it, but then I can't really afford insurance either, yet hope I'll never have to use it...same with cell phone. I take it with me when I am working down by the snakey river, when I'm working on the tractor, and when I drive into town. I also have a list of friends/neighbors numbers taped to the case I keep the phone in, so I, or somebody else, as at the scene of an accident, can easily get in touch.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 18 May 02 - 01:25 AM

Can't say that "the death next door" ever troubled me.

When the door slams, or the gate opens....I just call out a welcome to Jack or Jean depending on which has chosen to visit.

Why do you people sit in judgment of greater/lesser, richer/poorer, fulfillment/folly, someone/lonesome?

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Genie
Date: 18 May 02 - 01:34 AM

Capri,

Interesting point about the kids being more tuned in to what you're about than their parents are! You're right that they are most likely less concerned about not "butting in."

Genie

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: CapriUni
Date: 18 May 02 - 12:53 PM

Genie -- yeah... I think I may have learned well from my grandmother Josie... whenever there was a family cocktail party or picnic, the grown-ups tended to stand together and talk, drinks in hand, to each other, and she made a point of holding conversations with the children -- without talking down to them. And I tend to do the same with the neighbor kids... I think they pick up on that.

Also, my mailbox is mounted several inches lower than "normal" so I can reach it from my chair... this also means that the kids can reach it too, whereas getting mail from their own boxes is diffecult. I think they like doing something that is "grown-up", and I'd like to think they like me as well... and my kittle cats, ;-) one of whom comes up to them for a head rub when they bring in the mail.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Peg
Date: 18 May 02 - 07:14 PM

a tragic but inspiring story. Thank you for writing it out, that could not have been easy.

We all hope we won't end up alone when we get old, but there are plenty of us who live alone who aren't even middle-aged yet! I have a big enough group of friends, some of whom might wonder why I had not been in touch or returned their calls or email, but I am not in frequent touch with my family, and I wonder how many days it would be before someone noticed I was missing or incommunicado? I have six kitties; I hate to think they'd starve waiting for someone to discover me...I sometimes think about this stuff, especially before I am going to get on a plane. How would people contact my loved ones? Would they just get a hold of everyone in my address book?

This story underscores how important it is to maintain close relationships, even only a few of them, and to have seriosu ocnversations with people about what should be done if you were suddenly deceased or incapacitated...no one wants to think about dying. But it is going to happen to all of us. Having a few friends in their late 20s and early thirties die has made me think a great deal about this possibiity. The trick is to live life fully and contently and well, and not dwell on morbid thoughts. I get better at this every day, I hope.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 May 02 - 08:23 PM

One thing everyone should do is post emergency info on their refrigerator, with whom to contact, what ailments a person may have, and what kind of medications they are on, if any. One could also include info on pets and any caretakers who might need to be notified. Emergency personnel are trained to look for this info on the fridge.

Somewhere, in some thread about a year ago or so, some of us agreed to be contact people, by telephone and email, to alert Mudcatters if something happens to one of our own. I couldn't find it the other night and we didn't get really formal about it, but it is good to know that we all wouldn't just be left wondering if one of us suddenly quits coming 'round.

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Amergin
Date: 18 May 02 - 08:55 PM

katdarling, click here

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 May 02 - 10:51 PM

Thanks, darlin'!

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Genie
Date: 19 May 02 - 05:03 AM

Kat, Good suggestions about posting emergency info and instructions on the fridge (in case people do find you dead or incapacitated).

I also like the idea of the Mudcat community 'neighborhood watch,' as it were. (But if I don't post for a week, more often that not it won't mean I'm dead.) •G*

§;- )

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: SharonA
Date: 21 May 02 - 02:02 PM

Yes, thanks, kat, for the reminder to post all emergency information prominently on the refrigerator (and, everyone, be sure not to cover it up with a recipe or a kid's artwork or whatever!). I'll add a link to the thread about MedicAlert tags, too; anyone with a serious medical condition would be better off wearing one if found unconscious or otherwise incapacitated (and, yeah, I've got to get myself one, too!): BS: Medical Alert ID Tags

By the way, the name of the thread kat was referring to (and Amergin linked to) is named "BS: Facing Mortality & Keeping In Touch". Great idea to have a network of Mudcat contacts, just in case!

An update: The landlord is clearing the furniture out of Bruce's apartment today. I asked him if any next-of-kin had been found for Bruce, and the landlord said yes. He gave no further info but it was still a relief to me to hear that his people, whoever they are, were told about his death.

Then the landlord asked me if I wanted Bruce's cat toys! *gag* I just said, "No thanks." I don't think it's a good idea to give one cat's chewed-and-slobbered-on toys to a cat in a different household in the first place, and Lord knows what else was on his floor, but even if the toys had been new and unwrapped I don't doubt that some of the smell of the place would be lingering on them. I can be frugal, but not that frugal; I had to pass up that particular bargain!

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: SharonA
Date: 22 May 02 - 09:24 AM

Another update: The landlord left me a phone message last night, asking me (again) not to divulge to the new tenants across the hall from Bruce's apartment the REAL reason that Bruce left all his stuff behind for the landlord to clean out. He told me his "cover story" which I am to corroborate if asked: that Bruce just moved without telling anybody. Since it's really the truth, in a way (he definitely moved on), I have no problem with that! I'm not sure how to explain away the fact that the guy's Jeep is still in the parking lot, though... except to plead ignorance and say "Ask the landlord".

The landlord also said he'd hired professional cleaners to come in next week – biohazard cleaners!!!!! (Makes me wonder if I should mention this whole episode to my doctor!) Meanwhile, Bruce's "stuff" is out back by the dumpster, waiting to be collected, and even in the open air it still smells really bad. Nothing like visual – and olfactory – aids for reminding oneself of a nasty incident!

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: CapriUni
Date: 22 May 02 - 10:45 AM

Interesting that the landlord wants to cover up the death... it's not like death isn't supposed to happen, eventually, to all of us. You would think that the new neighbors would understand that...

But he's probably right that it would make them, nervous, though... Kinda a sad comment on our culture, innit?

BTW, 5 years ago, I moved 450 miles away from my dad, different state, different record-keeping systems, etc. A couple years ago, I asked who he had as his next of kin listed in his wallet... it was still my mother (she died 10 years ago)... I reminded him to put my name, address and phone # there instead... his neighbors all know roughly where I am on the planet, but...

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 May 02 - 04:20 PM

Glad you posted. Dying with people sucks too... but maybe it doesn't stink quite as much.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 May 02 - 04:26 PM

I am suddenly reminded of something that happened to a friend of a friend, in college - went to their summer cottage and found that their mother and her new boyfriend had murder-suicided themselves MONTHS before... in the bathtub... all that remained was something like soup with bones in it. And she found it! Last heard she was out of therapy... I also know someone whose brother committed suicide alone and wasn't found for days, also found thanks to the smell; this one was in a car, in a garage, the car was totalled by the mess. Poor you, SharonA. Anybody thinking of same, PLEASE leave a note. Not that you care about those surviving you in all likelihood, but still.

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 May 02 - 04:58 PM

There are still a lot of people who are twitchy about living in places where people have died. When we all did our dying and birthing in the same bed, it wasn't so bad, now that everything is done in another place (hospital, hospice or whatever), people get iffy about it. That's probably why the Landlord doesn't want you to mention it, he might not get another tenant for a while.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: SharonA
Date: 23 May 02 - 10:35 AM

I'm sure you're right about that, Liz. As a matter of fact, yesterday afternoon I met one of the new tenants across the hall from Bruce's and he did ask what had happened to Bruce. Oooh, I hated having to stand there and contrive fibs-that-were-true-in-a-way, such as "I don't know what happened to him" (well, I don't know if he suicided or had a heart attack!) and "Yeah, the landlord said he just moved out and left all his stuff behind".

The new guy's response to the latter: "Must be nice." (I said nothing, but I hope my face didn't give anything away then!)

Subject: RE: BS: Dying alone stinks
From: Jeri
Date: 23 May 02 - 11:04 AM

I don't think I'd agree to lie. About the only thing I'd agree to is to tell the inquirer to ask the landlord, and let HIM lie.

When I was in the Air Force, in Korea, there was a young man whose boss let him go home early because he wasn't feeling well. It was on a Fri, I think. Anyway, when nobody heard from him, folks from his office went to his apartment, got the landlord to unlock the door and found him dead in what can only be described as a blood-chilling hell-on-earth. They asked my office (Public Health) to investigate because food-borne illness was a possibility. My boss and a couple of the younger folks went, while the body and the military police were still there. My boss couldn't sleep for about two weeks. The younger folks were ok - maybe because they didn't identify as much with the dead person or maybe they were just better at covering up their reactions.

I didn't sleep for a while either. I kept replaying what I imagined his last moments to be like. Why didn't he call for help? If it had been me, I would have opened the door and crawled into the hallway. Maybe he was embarrased by the mess? Maybe he thought his condition wasn't that serious and everything would be alright if he just rested for a while? Maybe he thought someone would check on him before they did? I don't know. He was gone, and everybody involved was probably seeing themselves in the same situation and wondering. I don't think about it much because all those questions are still alive in my mind along with all the meanderings of my imagination.