BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Mortimer Estuary, Twillingsgate Herald
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 05:46 PM

In what is probably the biggest story since...

the end of World War II?

1066?

The Flood?

Well, it's hard to say, but, YES, you heard it here first and it's all true!!!

In a small private ceremony attended only by close family members and friends, Twillingsgate's most famous socialite, Ms Penelope Rutledge, was married earlier today to....are you ready for this...?

(take a deep breath and sit down...)














Winston Wellington-Jones!

Yes, the well-known local scion of the Wellington-Joneses and childhood playmate and companion of Ms Rutledge has stolen a march on all possible rivals and won the hand of his beloved in a storybook love match that will surely stir the hearts of many and leave a few aggrieved persons gasping for breath!

Wellington-Jones and Ms Rutledge grew up as neighbours, with the Rutledge Mansion and the Wellington-Jones Estate situated side by side in the most prestigious section of all Twillingsgate on lovely Imperial Drive, with their properties merging at the back into the verdant expanses of Idlewood Forest. It was there that the young Penelope and Winston frolicked as children in the 1980's and where the ten-year-old Winston once kissed Penelope under the gazebo (the Rutledge gazebo, to be precise).

Despite that early incident, seemingly favorable to his suit, Winston sporadically wooed Penelope in his late teens and twenties with no success, while he also was known to be...interested...in a great many other Twillingsgate damsels. Indeed Winston and Penelope had been known to quarrel sharply on more than a few occasions, although these disagreements, based on philosophical differences one assumes, never seriously threatened to end their abiding friendship nor to cause enmity between their families.

Ms Rutledge was recently linked romantically with the dashing Major Nigel West, who is presently recuperating from wounds suffered in Iraq...and with the notorious Spanish playboy Arturo Espinoza. In events that still remain mysterious Ms Rutledge returned from Spain in early December with a mark on her left cheek which some say could be...a duelling scar. Fortunately, the said scar is rather small and does not seriously compromise Ms Rutledge's appearance.

Indeed, the bride was reputed to be glowing at the ceremony, where she appeared dressed in traditional white with a stunning jeweled tiara. As Mr Wellington-Jones placed the ring on her finger there was reputedly not a dry eye in the entire assemblage. Wellington-Jones was well turned out in a tuxedo and tails, with a red carnation on the lapel.

Ms Rutledge is well known for her pioneering efforts in securing homes for homeless animals. She is also an accomplished equestrian, an amateur polo player, and a fine hand with the epee, the saber, and the rapier. Mr Wellington-Jones is a polo player and equestrian of top level, an avid marksman and sportsman, and an aficionado of vintage sports cars and medieval weaponry and heraldry.

The Twillingsgate Herald has been unable to ascertain who the Best Man was at the wedding, but we did have a moment to put the question to Mr Wellington-Jones this evening just before he and Ms Rutledge sped off in his Bentley to an undisclosed honeymoon location.

"So, you want to know who the best man was, do you, Estuary?" he quipped. "You're looking at him!" And with that, off they went.

So, there you have it. All these years we've been anticipating an enormous public marriage attended by everyone who is anyone in Twillingsgate and surrounding areas...and Ms Rutledge and her new husband Winston have had a good joke on all of us, making off with it right under our noses! I, for one, can only admire their good tactical judgement in this regard. The Christmas festivities at Rutledge Mansion and Wellington-Jones Estate promise to be lavish beyond expectation. The parties prodigious. The libations legendary. Be there! We at the Twillingsgate Herald certainly shall be.

- Mortimer Estuary, Twillingsgate Herald, Evening *Special* Edition

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Major Nigel West, CGC
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:25 PM

One who truly lives is one who suffers but who can rejoice in the happiness of others.

I stood as "Best Man" to Wellington-Jones. He asked me to do so, and when I found I was being released on convalescent leave I rang him up and told him when I would be in Twillingsgate.

Miss Rutledge was a vision of loveliness and her eyes sparkled like the antique diamond that was placed upon her finger. After the ceremony she kissed me on the cheek.

For all of our differences, Wellington-Jones and I both have Miss Rut...sorry, Penelope's...welfare and happiness at heart. I have made it quite clear to Wellington-Jones that it would certainly be in his best interests to insure her future welfare and happiness. He need only remember what happened not too very long ago on Malcolm Bugeroll.

And now, another brandy.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,E.M.
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:47 PM

That's it. I am finished. My life is over. I have lost all hope and see no solution but to make an end of things in the most fitting way possible. Three years of utter dedication to the divine Ms Rutledge, my goddess in this Earthly realm, my entire reason for existence...three years of impassioned love poems and gifts sent by mail from Massachusetts...all have proven fruitless! She has married that intolerable monster, that licentious demon, Wellington-Jones! Oh the horror of it! In the extremity of my despair, knowing that my final hour is near, I wish to be remembered only by this, my most ardent and expressive poem of the 712 I have written to Ms Rutledge. Hopefully she has kept the original copy I sent her, and some distant day perhaps she will find it, read it again and remember me, and a tear will fall on those pages, written in the blood of my perishing soul!

Ode to Ms Rutledge

Penelope Rutledge, O Vision sublime!
I think of you often, and wish you were mine
I think of you tripping down library stairs
The sun on your bonnet, the wind in your hair
No melody bright could express all you are
No vision of light and no heavenly star
No sunrise at dawn could encompass your grace
No vista at twilight could e'er match your face
I sit in my room and envision you now
The queen of my conscience, the wave at my bow
My ships are all stranded, now wretched they pine
No sails on their yardarms, no grapes on my vine
My vineyards are barren, my cats have no mice
My parrot has sought therapeutic advice
My hallway is empty, my phone's on the fritz
Penelope Rutledge, I love you to bits!
My hopes they are waning, as silent I wait
Intolerably distant from fair Twillingsgate
If not for thy grace I would plunge from the skies
As an albatros falls to his final demise
Yet hope springs anew with each stroke of my pen
That my words may yet sway you, and move you, and then
That together at last we may write history
With me beside you, dear, and you beside me
Penelope Rutledge, O Vision sublime!
I think of you often, and wish you were mine

E.M. (Ever Madly in love with you!)

Alas! This is adieu, Penelope! This is the Final Farewell!

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:52 PM

I don't think I've been quite so...moved...by a poem since the hogs ate my brother.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Another Benighted - and Slighted - Suitor
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 06:52 PM

In the words of a lovely old American country song, I can only say:

"I suppose i oughta say congratulations
For you've won the only girl I've ever loved
but T hurt too much to face the situation
Take good care of her. Take good care of her

"Just to be around her was my greatest pleasure
She was everything my future had in store
So remember when you take my only treasure:
Take good care of her. Take good care of her

"I must accept it - she loves you more than me
So with my broken heart i'll bow out gracefuly
please don't send me any wedding invitation
For I couldn't bear to see her there with you
If she's happy, it will be my consolation
Oh, take good care of her. Take good care of her."

sob

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 07:05 PM

Just a quick entry on the laptop here. Major Nigel West was indeed the Best Man at our wedding, and has proven himself a true gentleman and friend, a man who is not found wanting in time of need. Penelope and I regard him with great affection and respect, and number him among the very best that England has in these lamentable times.

The remark I made to that press vulture, Mortimer Estuary, was nothing more than a joke. I just couldn't resist frustrating his slimy attempts to glean further gossip.

We have rented a cozy little retreat in the Cotswolds and look forward to spending a few days in relative peace here.

My best wishes to all of our friends and supporters and to the domestic staff who did their utmost to assist us and whose loyalty and sensitivity has been above and beyond the call of duty!

Yours,

WWJ

p.s. Guest E.M., don't be silly. Life does not end with the failure of a transatlantic fantasy romance. Pick yourself up, man, have a drink or two, and get on with it. You will never win a woman with such histrionics...or if you did, she wouldn't be worth the bother. As for your parrot, I hardly think it needs a therapist! You are the one who needs a therapist. I just arranged to buy a parrot from someone on Ebay as a matter of fact, as a wedding present for Penelope, and for all I know it may be yours, old chap. But probably not... Have a stiff drink or two and forget about it. That's my advice.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,ABASS
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 07:16 PM

But what about me? I won't be able to get over it for some time.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, Gardener
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 07:30 PM

Cor! Wot a splendid occasion it was. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried like a baby, I did. Well, summat like a baby. It's celebratory drinks all around and a Christmas bonus for the staff at both 'ouses like never before! I'm right sorry to 'ear from those wot 'ave broken 'earts tonight and I can only say: 'ave a drink on me! And then 'ave another! It's the best remedy. It's wot I intend to do right now, so I am signin' off!

Albert McSwiggins, Gardener

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Angelique Forget
Date: 11 Dec 04 - 09:13 PM

It is going to be a big surprise to many, but I am sending my good wishes to Penelope Rutledge on the news of her marriage. Although we have been great, even deadly enemies in the past, I am recently much in debt to Ms Rutledge and have decided to declare a truce. She has proven to be both resolute and compassionate, which was not my expectation. She shows more character than is usual with the rich, who are normally the sworn enemies of the common people. She may yet transcend her sheltered upbringing. I have some concerns regarding her choice of a husband, but it is her lookout and I think she is tough enough to meet the challenge of dealing with even him. I would not marry him on any condition, but so what? He is of her class and her neighborhood, and that can count for a lot, I suppose.

I have to report the tragic death of two soldiers of the Paris Commune, the radical political action group I am proud to be a member of. Pierre and Jean-Paul died courageously in action in Barcelona at the hands of the Spanish fascist pigs in the employ of the rich swine Arturo Espinoza. God rest their souls! I am happy to report that they despatched four of the jack-booted scoundrels, but only succeeded in wounding the arch-pig Espinoza, who continues to profit obscenely off the labours of the poor. His day will come!

I am convalescing nicely in the bosom of Mother France and will soon be ready to resume the class struggle with full gusto.

Malcolm also sends his regards and his thanks for services rendered. He is thinking to write an epic poem in honour of your marriage. He attends to me with the usual tenderness and concern, and I wish that you, Penelope, would find similar comfort in your marriage on which you now embark.

As always,

- Angelique

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 10:17 AM

Gee, and here I was thinking the lucky groom was going to be Chongo Chimp.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 10:36 AM

Thanks for the thought, Bee-dub. You're a swell guy.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 09:57 AM

Just refreshing this thread so it doesn't fall off the page yet. It's hard to imagine that such an important social event would go unnoticed by such a large number of Mudcatters. Or perhaps they have noticed it and are just too stunned and shocked to post a rejoinder, insult, or snide remark at this time. Let's give 'em another day.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 10:07 AM

Yeah, that's probably it. I've really been at a loss for words in the wake of this incredible news. And that's rare.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 11:39 AM

Never having met P. Rutledge nor any of that crowd myself -- I simply don't travel in those circles anymore -- I can only say that the news hase left me...shattered? speechless? shocked? some other word beginning with 's'?

Of course, I wasn't invitedd. Ever since I cut Prince Charles and his ladyfriend from my social calendar my invitations to various social functions in the UK have been nonexistent.

And I soooooo miss the caviar....

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 04:01 PM

"Stupefied"?

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Amos
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 05:17 PM

Charming, really, isn't it, to see the once mighty Bearers of Empire and Messengers of Civilization bravely bear up and continue the pretense that they represent the highest quality of Being to which humankind might aspire -- and thank God, I might well add, that it is only a pretense, or the race would be in even more hopeless condition than it is.

A

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 05:31 PM

Penelope?-in white?-do me a favour!!1

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 06:14 PM

Do you suppose they tied tin cans and things to the bumper of the Bentley? Was there a sign on the boot reading "Twillingsgate Today -- Hot Springs Tonight"?

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 06:14 PM

Even more important: when's the charivari?

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 06:18 AM

Estuary, I am dissappointed you have not replied to my invitation, as you know these things (the photographs to which I earlier referred)soon loose their value. I need a response by one O'clock today then I have to go to the red tops

Which incidentally is the colour of Penelopes stockings on some of the shots

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Bee-dubya-ell's Mum
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 11:22 PM

I jus' dunno whut t' meck ovit. Bee-dubya jus' ain't bin th' same since ee 'erd th' news 'bout Mizz Rutledge, er, Missus Wellington-Jones. Ee's took to 'is bed an' 'asn't bin outta 'is room ever since. If I din't know better I'd swear th' boy is actin' lack a luvsick puppy whut's gone an' let annuther dog beat 'im t' th' bitch. T' think thet all th' time Bee-dubya wuz heapin' insults an' abuse upon Mizz Rutledge he wuz secr'tly in luv wif 'er. My, my, my.

But, ya know, it's sorta lack Bee-dubya t' act funny lack thet. Ever since they giv' 'im them 'lectroshock sessions durin' thet year he wuz locked away fer chokin' 'is poetry perfesser fer readin' one obv Mizz Emily Dickerson's pomes, well, he jus ain't bin th' same since. Sometimes I wunner 'bout thet boy.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Hector Ballsworthy, Independent Press
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 11:57 PM

Raggytash, I am willing to consider purchasing the photographs for investigative purposes, not prurient ones, and IF they prove to be real, and IF they assist in exposing the machinations of the New World Order and the Satanic cults that are operating clandestinely in the wealthy bloodlines and royal families that rule the world, then and only then will I pay you what I think they're worth.

It is already beyond dispute that the Wellington-Jones's are deeply implicated in the alien bloodlines that are interwoven throughout the British peerage and the aristocratic bloodlines of Europe and beyond. To put it frankly, the man's not human! Or he is only marginally human, to be more exact about it. My groundbreaking journalism has already placed Winston Wellington-Jones in Satanic blood rituals of human sacrifice that take place on symbolic dates such as Mayday, Hallowe'en, and so on. These rites go back to a power structure that predates ancient Babylon.

It is my impression that Miss Penelope Rutledge has been groomed from childhood, unbeknownst to her, to become the sacrifical bride of this monster, Wellington-Jones, with but one purpose: to produce heirs and introduce new genetic material of the original and pure human race into the camouflaged alien bloodline of Wellington-Jones! Miss Rutledge is, of course, unaware that she is being used in this fashion.

The notorious Arturo Espinosa is another key figure in the world-controlling families, being the head honcho of the Barcelona Network of the New World Order. The recent attack on Espinoza's villa by French operatives may have been one of two things:

1. A genuine blow in defence of the freedom of the human race by a few patriots in the know, or...

2. Infighting among the controllers themselves. (quite common)

All this smacks, however, of further manipulation of Miss Rutledge. She had first to be tempted into placing herself in a compromising, ultimately embarrassing situation, by running off with Espinoza and abandoning her family and social responsibilities. This could only have placed her on the horns of a moral dilemma and rendered her emotionally vulnerable.

Then the master stroke! Betrayal and violence erupt at Espinoza's villa and cause her to flee into hiding for some time. Upon returning home with great trepidation, she is "rescued" by the perfidious Wellington-Jones who is merely a soul-less carnivorous beast preying upon an unsuspecting woman whom he has "befriended" (Ha! Like a spider befriends a moth...) since childhood...all with ONE plan, ONE objective, ONE purpose...to introduce fresh blood into the decaying line of his monstrous family!

Why is it that NO oil painting of any Wellington-Jones contains the color pink? (*pink resonates with the emotion of love) Why is it that the circumstances of Wellington-Jones' birth remain shrouded in mystery? Why is it that Wellington-Jones first posed as the deadly enemy of the military agent, newly-promoted "Major" Nigel West, who is actually a high-level operative of the New World Order, and later became "friends" with the same Nigel West, despite their apparent bitter rivalry over Miss Rutledge, and still later he selects this tool of the ruling elite, this same Nigel West as "best man" at his wedding!!! West may be an unwitting tool, but I suspect he is all too aware of whom he is really serving...the alien rulers.

This is Machiavellian manipulation at its worst. These people are so crass and so arrogant in their assumption of total control and absolute power that they are capable of anything. Imagine the worst you can imagine, multiply it by a hundred, then square that...and you may being to guess at what I am speaking of here.

I have conducted my own investigations for over 15 years now into exactly how, when, why and by whom the New World Order achieves its dark aims, and I am a voice that will not be suppressed.

I am Hector Ballsworthy, independent journalist, and I will not be intimidated or put down while there is a world left to bequeathe to our children! Read my columns in the Independent Press and remember our motto:

"THE TRUTH WILL OUT"

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 08:12 AM

My mum is full of shit! I am not, never was, and never shall be in any state ever so vaguely resembling "in luv" with Ms Wellington-Jones nee Rutledge. It's just like my benighted mother to confuse being "in luv" with an accute case of diarrhea, which is the genuine reason for my recent withdrawal from participation in her boring existence. I knew the old bitch's hearing was going, but her smeller must be wearing out too. My God! The friggin' house smells like a shit factory!

I am ever so glad that Penelope and Winston have decided to take the matrimonial step. He is a prick and she is a bitch and they have both gotten what they deserve. May they enjoy long lives of mutual torture.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Major Nigel West, CGC
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 08:39 AM

Ballsworthy, if I were physically up to it and if I felt that you were worth the trouble, I'll punch you in the nose. You are a coward, a liar, and a bully who hides behind printer's ink and a masthead to spew out your odious vomit. You are, as Pope wrote, "a vile antithesis." To say that you are deluded would be insulting to delusions.

Were this an earlier time and were you my social equal, I would have my friends call upon you. Since that is not possible, I shall in the future ignore the rotting offal you put into print and misname "truth."

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 09:31 AM

Oh Dear Oh dear Hector, we do seem to have stirred up a little hornets nest don't we. Here's the galloping Major threatening to duff you up, couldn't punch his way out of a papaer bag that one, so he calls upon his "friends" to do it for him, gutless little cretin that he is. Rumour has it that Daddy bought the commission for him and at Sandhurst he was constantly wetting himself fo fear of breaking his manicured nails, pumped up little tart. He has never had the balls to face up to anything or anyone which is why he cravenly agrred to be "best man" at the wedding of the old slapper herself, and I should know, my Gods the photographs that she posed for (not that many years ago, she was certainly old enough to know exactly what she was doing) are explicit in the extreme, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination, she even described acts that I refused to photograph at the time, and still wince about when I recall them. She and Winston should have quite an adventurous time, providing he remembers to take the tablets, although I seem to recollect she charged quite exorbitants amounts when she worked in London, mind you the lingerie must have cost a fortune and the "toys"

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones & Penelope RW-J
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:06 AM

Great blithering heavens, this outdoes the market tabloids by a good measure! Here I am choking and spluttering (with laughter) into my cafe au lait as I witness the last few hysterical entries onto what I had hoped would be simply a thread of normal marriage congratulations...but no, I had forgotten, this is Mudcat Cafe, last refuge of the mentally incompetent, the morally challenged, the cretinous yahoo, and the spiritual pygmy!

Ha! Well it makes for some amusing reading at any rate.

I know about you, Hector "Bollocksworthy". You are irretrievably mad, lost in a world of self-created delusions. No one takes you seriously, aside from that little gathering of people who have fascinating stories to tell about how they have been abducted by aliens and taken to Mars to visit Elvis! Ha! Ha!

There are no such photographs as Raggytash claims. There never were any. Give it up. I'm going to let Penelope type here for a bit...

- WWJ

* Penelope *

Well, I just want to say that we are having a simply lovely time in the Costwolds, and no, we do not wish you you here, Bee-dubya-ell, Raggytash, etc....we only wish that you, like Hector Ballsworthy, might someday recover some measure of grace and sanity, assuming it was ever there in the first place, that is. TTFN,

* PRW-J

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Lord beeverstream
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:34 AM

Penelope darling, I have to say you look absolutely divine in the photographs, they are very clear and the colours will look wonderful in the suppliment spread on Sunday. One of my more dubious colleagues would like to contact you regarding some "promotional" work should you be interested. There's no need to be shy about it, you obviously enjoyed the previous shoot and unlike Raggytash, my colleague only uses first class professional photographers, although I have to say the quality of Mr Tash's work is quite good, he actually does you proud me dear. you know how to contact me, Mayfair number

Bye for now Sweetie

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 10:46 AM

My word ! Penelope nearly fell off the bottom of the page

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 02:03 PM

Certainly can't have that, can we?

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Major Nigel West, CGC
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 09:36 AM

Mr. Trash, as I would do to Mr. Ell, so would I do to you were I fit. Since I am not, I will suggest that you enlist in my regiment, where we will test your mettle to the fullest.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 09:59 AM

The poor imbecile cannot even spell my name correctly. Unfortunately this is now typical of the standard of recruits to the British army today. Not only that, but the man lacks the spine and spunk to attempt to challenge me face to face, this despite his "military" training. He fanes illness to hide his own inadequacies, he is naught but a callow sop. He maintains that he is morally superior to Hector Ballworthy, well I know who I would prefer to be manning the machine gun nest as I walked out into no-man's land, certainly not THIS gutless wonder.
Crawl back under your stone West

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Major Nigel West, CGC
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 11:26 AM

Dear Mr. Tash,

I do apologise for mis-reading your name; I assumed that I had spelled it correctly.

Sir, you may continue to vilify me. You are not free to insult my regiment or the brave men and women with whom I serve. We are currently stationed in Iraq; because of the military situation I am not permitted to be more precise. We have seen a bit of fighting, and some of the best I have served with have been killed or wounded (as I was).

The medicos tell me that I am not yet completely healed; nevertheless, I invite you to step around to my house in Twillingsgate. I can assure you of a stunning welcome in honour of the Regiment.

To find the house, simply ask. I do not hide. I suggest that as you walk up the drive you keep both hands in sight, with your palms open.

Sincerely,
Nigel West, CGC
Major, SBS

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 11:40 AM

He'll never appear, Nigel. Never. These internet scum are all the same, a sniveling lot of cowards who hide behind their anonymity. Ignore the stupid clot.

I've just been reading Bollocksworthy's latest foaming editorial here about the New World Order. Hilarious! The man is missing a great career in professional comedy, if he only knew it. Did you know that the entire House of Windsor is permeated with the "alien bloodlines"? My, my! Oh, damn! Spilled my glass of port. LOL!

WW-J

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 11:42 AM

They were only playing leapfrog
they were only playing leapfrog
they were only playing leapfrog
as one staff officer jumped right over the other staff officers back

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Penelope Rutledge Wellington-Jones
Date: 17 Dec 04 - 11:53 AM

Raggytash, you are so pathetic. I bet you still run around giggling and playing nasty tricks such as Nicky-nicky-nine-doors on the long-suffering adults in your neighborhood...you know, the people who, unlike you, have actually grown up!

Well, you can't put a stick in our wicket, because we are having a wonderful time here. Yes indeed. My beloved Winston has presented me with a very large diamond, none other than the famed Bhopal Diamond from India! I intend to wear it tonight as we dine by candlelight. I will try to think compassionately of you, crouched in your wretched hovel somewhere, typing nasty insinuations into the wee hours in a desperate attempt to render some shred of meaning unto a life that effectively has none.

* PRW-J

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Bertie Matchless
Date: 18 Dec 04 - 11:13 AM

Winston and Penelope, I must congratulate you both on pulling off this stunning coup under our very noses, as it were. All the bets are off, old boy. The lads have been congregating and having a few wassails in your honour, and we anticipate a rapturous welcome at the Vicar's Inn upon your return.

- Bertie

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, Gardener
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 10:13 AM

Cor! There are some rotten bastards on this forum wot got no respect for their betters, that's wot I fink!

Anyway, we 'ave got an interestin' item wot just arrived in the mail. It's a parrot wot was purchased on Ebay by Mr Winston. Imagine me surprise when I opens the box it came in, and the first fing the bird says is, "B*gger off, ye stupid clot!" to me. That was just the beginnin'. It's "bugger this" and "sod that" and one fink after another wif this noisy blighter. I've not 'eard the like of it in years. 'E's beautiful to look it, but 'e swears like a dustman. I carn't understand 'ow the bird is going to fit into the lifestyle 'ere at Rutledge 'Ouse, but I do unnerstand why the people wot 'ad it sold it. It's plain as the nose on me face. Well, I suppose that Mr Winston will make a decision as to wot to do wif this parrot when 'e returns. Ms Penelope is very kind to animals, but I carn't imagine she'll put up wi' this for long!

Oy! Shut up now, you parrot swine! Bloody 'ell....! Bastard just called me somefink I carn't repeat 'ere in mixed comp'ny.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Penelope Rutledge Wellington-Jones
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 05:18 PM

I am distressed to hear that the parrot Winston bought me has been taught filthy language by some miscreant, but I am sure that a little tender, loving care will calm the poor creature down and cure it of that habit. I'll take the parrot in hand upon my return. Today we are going for a sleighride. Lovely! The countryside is most beautiful around here, as always.

* PRW-J

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Rita the chambermaid
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 05:34 PM

Anyone planning to take this bird "in hand" had better wear steel-reinforced falconry gloves up to their shoulders! That's my opinion.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 04 - 06:19 PM

Fella bought a parrot and was warned about its language. He said he could tame its talk, but after three weeks the bird was a bad as ever. In disgust, the man threw the parrot into the freezer.

A hour later he opened the freezer door. The bird said, "O-o-o-o-k-k-k-kay, I-I'll ch-ch-change. B-b-b-b-ut tell m-m-m-me, what d-d-did the t-t-turk-key do?"

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Tweed
Date: 20 Dec 04 - 03:39 PM

HAW!!!

The funniest thing on this whole stupid threde, Rawpairz!!

I habv folloed the whole works closely an can make neither heads nor tails obv any of it. Obv course I habv followed Penelope aslo and can not tell which is her head and which is her tail neither. Posonby it is just me...

Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,,ABASS
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 02:40 AM

sob

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 12:58 PM

Chin up, ABASS! The marriage may fail, Penelope may divorce Winston, and you may yet claim the Queen of your heart. Never give up hope!

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 01:12 PM

Why would she want to marry a bass? Mini-mermaids as offspring....

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 01:14 PM

Yeah. Sounds like another fish story, doesn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Another Benighted - and Slighted - Suitor (A
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 08:52 PM

Besides, what's wrong with mermaids? I'm affronted.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 11:11 AM

Hi Penny old Girl ........ went sorting through my old filing system after your last contribution and found some more photographs which are particularly seasonal. You remember dressing up as "Mother Christmas" the white trimmed red cape, the red 3/4 cup basque, stockings and stilettoes, and little else, well nothing else truthfully. Honestly darling I forgotten just how curvy you are. Would you like me to post them to the old Mudcat in the members photgraphs bit?

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Veronica Rutledge
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 11:19 AM

I am disgusted! What sort of sick people are lurking on this forum? I am Veronica Rutledge, the niece of Penelope Rutledge, and Aunt Penelope is my hero. She is everything I want to be when I grow up. She has class. You people certainly don't! If I had the power I would have you all locked up.

Except you, Raggytash...I would have you dropped by helicopter into a live volcano somewhere. Phew! What a stench it would make when your nasty little body burnt up, but it would be worth it.

* Veronica *

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 11:37 AM

Veronica? Do you know Betty and Jughead and Archie and Reggie?

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 11:39 AM

Veronica darling, you say Penelope is your auntie, how old are you my dear, over 18? Would you care to give me a call to discuss a buiness proposition I would like to put to you

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 02:27 PM

Veronica is 16 years old, Raggytash, and you are treading on dangerous ground! You may indulge yourself in harassing Penelope, myself, and Major Nigel West, if you wish...it will do you absolutely no good...but if you extend your unwholesome attentions to a 16-year-old in this family we will see that you are put away for a long, long time. Mark my words.

WW-J

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 04:01 AM

Oh well ......... I can wait

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Veronica Rutledge
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 01:03 PM

You'll be waiting for a long time, Raggytush. Have you ever waited for a miniature schnauzer to stop barking? It will be even longer than that, I assure you. You will be descending into impotent, drooling senility long before you ever hear from me.

I am returning this thread to the top where it belongs.

Aunt Penelope and my new Uncle Winston are returning on Christmas Eve, and we are all going to laugh at you as we celebrate, you wretched pervert.

Rapaire, I don't read that silly Archie comic anymore! Well, not much. I do like Veronica's dresses, though (Veronica Lodge). And I actually DO know someone named "Reggie". He's fairly dreamy, but not quite so dreamy as he thinks he is! I most certainly do not know any Archies or Jugheads! "Archie" is a dreadful name! I should think that any boy with that name in our English school system would suffer the tortures of the damned, and he would probably get a name change ASAP.

TTFN!

* Veronica *

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Veronica Rutledge
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 01:18 PM

And you people on that stupid SPOTTED DICK thread just stop it!

* Veronica *

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Archie Rutledge
Date: 24 Dec 04 - 04:24 AM

Typical in'it poor old Uncle Archie snubbed agin, they've always been stuck up 'er side of the famly, Poor old Aunty Mabel , er with five kids used t' send me a quid at Christmas wrapped in a new 'ankercheif, but Penelope's lot Oh no, got a ten bob note IF they remembered, they always had big roaring fires, champagne, caviar, huge goose, big piece of beef, fillet at that, pork an all, me poor old muvver wi 'alf a bag of coal an a broiling fowl to feed us seven kids.
Famlys eh, who's have em, and that Verconia kid, stuck up little bitch that one, needs a bloody good spanking in my book, got her own 'orse, though she calls it an arab, never bin the other side of the channel so I can't see that, an' now she has the cheek to slag me name off, like I said typical bleedin' typical

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 06 - 02:32 PM

Remember this "blast from the past"? It's hard to believe it's been over a year since the joyous news!

We have just received word from the veterinary lab that the poor departed parrot, Tony Blair, did NOT die of bird flu after all, and I am SOOO relieved!

This means that our lives can go on as normal. I intend to go on that road trip ASAP!

TTFN!

* Veronica *

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Feb 06 - 02:50 PM

Oh, Penelope. She's had twenty husbands and one of them hers.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Don Firth
Date: 23 Feb 06 - 03:01 PM

I keep confusing Penelope Rutledge with Patricia Routledge.

Don Firth
(Onslow is my role model)

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 06 - 03:02 PM

ROFLMAO!

A

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Feb 06 - 03:27 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Feb 06 - 03:38 PM

Dear old Hyacinth, who could forget her? Alas, unlike Penelope and her niece Veronica, Hyacinth only could dream of being among the creme de la creme of British society, those who awaken in feather beds to the sounds of servants making the rounds...

Veronica is very relieved not to have been exposed to the dreaded bird flu, and if she survives touring in the zebra-striped Porsche, I'm sure she'll have a lot more to say.

Subject: RE: BS: PENELOPE RUTLEDGE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Feb 06 - 07:22 PM

Some of these comments I believe are quiet vulgar and insensitive, about husbands etc. But dear Penelope is above all that, I belive she'll have quite a jolly little twirl in that Porsche of hers. I look forward to a chat.