BS: Wot no Rick?

Subject: Wot no Rick?
From: Roger the skiffler
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 05:17 AM

Just seen a leaflet from the UK Canadian High Commission called Arts News. One of the features is CDs by Canadian artists about to be issued in the UK. There are mentions of some by the usual suspects: Bryan, Celine and Alanis, Gordon Lightfoot etc., Oscar Peterson and Kenny Wheeler, which interest me as a jazz fan, and, to gladden the hearts of all at the NYCFTTS, a box set retrospective of Neil Young.
BUT, unaccountably, nothing by Canada's premier ambassador of song,Rick Fielding.
Canadians, lobby your government and get your diplomats to sort out their priorities!
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 12:34 PM

Thanks Roger. I've always figured that if I got hit by a bus, my career would take a serious upswing!

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 12:44 PM

If it'll help, I'll send you a bus schedule.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 01:28 PM

Rick,

Not to be insensitive, but can I have your music and instrument collection?

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 01:48 PM

Keericed Steve, he didn't say KILLED did he??? But now that you mention it, there is a possibility if he doesn't "fare" too well with the bus, so..........Alright, let's start dividing this stuff up now since I'm sure there are others who'd like a "piece of the action" here, uh, so to speak. Let's see......say, uh....Who gets Boots? I mean, you can have first choice on guitars, I'll take Boots......and,uh..........OK, who's next?........I think we oughta' give the wacky autoharp to Bill D. Whaddaya' think?......and then.............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 02:03 PM

Spaw,

No artist that I can recall ever achieved overnight success just by spending a couple of weeks in the hospital recovering, and I'm sure that Rick was perfectly aware of this when he brought it up.

I was under the impression that you were already taken, so I think I would like to stake my claim on 'boots. I really only want his dobro for my sister (no, not a trade), his five string for myself and his entire music collection. The rest I'll leave up for grabs.

(Rick and Heather, please tell us to stop if this offends you too much)

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 02:05 PM

Catspaw, I believe Duckboots would never reach the auctioning table for she is a free agent.
Beside, Rick does not have to really get knocked off. Why can't the entire accident be staged and he secretly relocates in the Bahamas or somewhere warm with Heather. We will transfer proceeds from the royalites generated.
Then again, who will be my teacher?
Maybe I'll move down to the Bahamas too.

BB

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 02:14 PM

BB,

I'm much more comfortable with that, although I'm sorry that I won't get Duckboots ou of the deal (although it would be less suspicious if she stuck around Ontario).

Whadda ya think, the odd return trip to T.O. to be spotted at a Canadian Tire?

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Áine
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 02:34 PM

Yea, Rick, eat your cornflakes and beer, and then go play in the traffic! (hey BB and Steve, can y'all cut me in on this deal?)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 02:38 PM

The moment I turned 50 I knew that becoming a big seller by dying young was out of the question. If I reach 60, I'm hoping to become a respected elder statesman like Sandy or Art....and THEN I'll be a big seller!

Duckboots is considering offers ('cause she's met Joe, as well as Catspaw and Steve)

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Roger the skiffler
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 02:45 PM

Hey, guys, I didn't mean....On second thoughts, 2 of his CDs, not available in the UK,hmm, they may be collector's items then...
Enter Rick dressed as Bluebottle. Enter the Skiffler as Gritpype Thynne.
"Come here little boy and hold this lovely sparkler".
"Thank yew Capting,ooh it's smoking"
LOUD PROLONGED SOUND EFFECT EXPLOSION
Far away Bluebottle voice
"Yew dirty rotten swine, you've deaded me"
G-T "You silly twisted boy, your riches (?!) are now mine, mine I tell you."
No, I could never do it to a fan of the Goons and the two Lonnies
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 02:51 PM

Rick,

and I thought Catspaw's "fare" pun was bad.

Aine, I'm sure we can figures someway to cut you in. I figure that I'd have to take about five years off just to listen to the music, so maybe we can divide it up and swap when we're done.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Metchosin
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 03:07 PM

aye and I would nae mind his 78 RPM Harry Lauder collection.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 03:12 PM

Wait a minute.........Okay Steve, you have a point, but, let's say I take Karen and Boots and go to maybe Saba of St.Bart's an dwe leave RICK in Toronto where he can disguise himself as the Michelin Man and sell a few sets of whitewalls on the side while he works up his post-croak album. He'll probably need at least two albums since the first one will be a smash and then you can release the "Unfinished" one later. Hold up....make that three albums. If things die down, so to speak, we can release that one as a "recently found" work in progress. WAIT....need to have one of all his live stuff as a composite too. Then with all the hoopla we can re-release and also do a "Best of" of plus a boxed collectors set. In between selling cut-rate blems, Rick can work on all this pretty solid while you set up the local and publisher deals. Don't forget the book rights. I'll set up an offshore account and BB can act as a mule (sorry)..........We gotta' get started on this right away........maybe Antigua

Send your thoughts and a bottle of suntan lotion.

Pack up Boots...we're outta' here.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 03:16 PM

"Spaw,

I defer to you, just let me know what I can do? You've even got me considering romance with a mule for the first time in my life.

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Áine
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 03:16 PM

Hey 'Spaw,

I don't know about those island places, man. They make soup outa your kind down there, ya know!

And don't ask *me* to be your 'mule', or I'll start boiling the water . . . ;-)

-- Á.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 03:19 PM

Catspaw! With your plot skills, I guess you will get the biggest cut.
What's with the mule? Is it true mules can't reproduce? That you have to mate a horse with a donkey?
So I am the mule, and I don't reproduce. Am I the gopher? I still don't understand my job.

BB

Subject: Vultures Circling
From: Joe Offer
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 03:59 PM

Being Autoharpically Challenged, I think I deserve that "wacky autoharp." Hmmm. I wonder if I could get 'Boots to come to warm, sunny, wonderful California to give me lessons...
Rick, I know a cheap lawyer in Toronto who'd be glad to draw up a will for you. You never know when your bus will arrive.
-Joe Buzzard-

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Peter T.
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 04:13 PM

But you need a Third Man, the witness. (sound of Anton Karas' zither music swells in the background, autumn leaves begin to fall, the ferris wheel spins)... yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 04:17 PM

Give it up Joe...California is the land of fruits and nuts and a large chunk of its gonna' break off soon and head for the Aleutians.

Now, let's start the organizing. Steve, I think you need to contact a publisher for the book rights. A book could come out with the "Lost" album and a special notated copy along about the time the Boxed Set is released. What we ned to set up though is a phony ghost writer. Rick can write the damn thing, but why not skim a little off the top as payment to a non-existent ghost.

Then there's the insurance. Has Rick got any? We need to stage this accident so somebody pays BIGTIME!!! Phony death certificate is no problem nor is the "EMS" on the scene to transport him. We'll get El Swanno!!! Then, we need to setup the funeral and he memorial. Now if we keep this quiet, we can grab a few bucks on the side there too.

Gotta go cook supper. Think on it.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Peter T.
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 04:55 PM

(Zither music continues. In the distance, the ruins of Vienna, like a dropped Sachertorte, lie silent. A figure appears in the distance, slides into the Ferris Wheel. Catspaw enters the compartment. The wheel begins to turn.)

CP: It is you! After those cracks about selling tires I thought you would have had me killed.
Rick: (taking out cigar, looking at landscape sinking down) That doesn't matter -- yet. The question is, how are the sales doing?
CP: Well, they started out great, the backlog albums took off, and then the problems started.
Rick: (a steely glance) Yes?
CP: Not my fault, not my fault!! When Celine, and Alanis and Shania decided to do the medley from Lifelines at the Grammies, that was not my idea.
Rick: You see those ants down there, CP?
CP: People, not ants.
Rick: Ants, people, what does it matter -- record buyers. There was a guy on my show recently who gives 50% royalties to people who download albums onto Liquid Audio. You are still selling mine out of the back of the truck.
CP: It's a big truck. Nice truck, Rick. Come on, don't be like that.
Rick: And my royalties?
CP: I was coming to that. Well, then there was this rumour. Some guy in Tucson played This One's The Dreamer backwards, sounded like remaerDehtsenosiht to me, but he swore it said: "I'm alive, suckers!!!" And then someone saw that God was in clogs on the cover, and that signified "doing O.K. in Swahili" or something. And the bottom fell out. So, well, royalties are a little slow at the moment. Really, believe me,
Rick: (moving closer) You see those ants down there.
CP: Look, Rick, Sir, um---
Rick: You think if you joined those ants from an upper story nosedive, anyone would give a FF?
CP: Well, there's.....and then ....fock... No one I guess?
Rick: Here's something to think about. In Italy under the Borgias, they had warfare, conspiraces, burnings, and they thought nothing of putting someone who even thought about putting someone to death as a joke, to death as a joke. Good music too: madrigals, contre-danses, "Ecco La Primavera", fine lutes, you can pick up a good one today at the 12th Fret, played it only last week, still holds its --
CP: Is this going somewhere?
Rick: This is my big monologue, ant-in-training, it goes where I want it to go. In Mississippi they had cotton fields, the Parchman Farm, dogs, fat policemen, but for fifty years they had the blues, Robert Johnson, Son House, and Muddy Waters. That totals up to about 500 years of people doing something to make their life worthwhile. You, meanwhile, are blowing smoke up a possum's ass.
CP: And your point is?
Rick: The point is, I'm not going to kill you for even suggesting this scheme. CP: (gets down on knees, grovels) Oh, thank you, thank you.
( a shadowy figure comes out of the corner of the compartment, kicks his ass out of the door. A long drop ensues. Small ant like cries.)
Duckboots: (for it is she) I am. That takes care of that case of presumption.
Rick: And the others -- Roger, Aine, Steve, etc.? Duckboots: I may be from a town outside Glasgow, but I know a few ghastly things to pass the time of day.
Rick: Great. What time is the flight to the Barbados?
Duckboots: About half an hour after I cash in the insurance policy on Mr. Antman.
Rick: (looks out at Vienna, coming back into view) You know, I always liked ferris wheels. Something, oh I don't know, circular about them.
Zither music quivers.
THE END

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 05:20 PM

Excellent PeterT.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 06:34 PM

Nice playlet there Pete, but let's get down to brass tacks. How about you expand that scenario on out and we get a Butch Cassidy kind of thing. Is he alive or isn't he? Amelia Earhardt, yuh know? The way its going you could really work in several more angles and then it would be an obvious conspiracy thingie!!! Write a few sequels under different pseudonyms extolling the cover-up and work in the Young Center and their CIA connection. This ought to bring in substantial royalties. The organization will split 50-50 with you. Now we get Leej to do a "Blake Madison plays Jim Garrison" and we can then put Steve on the movie rights too. Oliver Stone ought to option the sucker in a heartbeat.

We need to think through the other possibilities here to get the gelt. Several albums, books, the insurance money, the movie deal......

...And Peter, the Organization will be happy to sanction the 50-50 arrangement on the books, but don't get greedy here or there are other "sanctions" that might be imposed.

Who said there wasn't any money in Folk Music? So Rick, have you checked the bus schedules?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 07:49 PM

Catspaw are you sure you are not jewish?
I can say that cause I am jewish, right guys? right?

BB

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Peter T.
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 08:50 PM

Hell, CP, the fall will probably kill you.
yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Mbo
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 09:01 PM

HA! Pretty lil' Duckboots doesn't want any o' you ol' geezers--she wants some young & healthy redhead (like me) with nothing but a guitar and a star to dream on...and isn't afraid to wear a kilt! BTW I have advanced computer graphics skills (it's my major, isn't it?) and CAN produce false death certificates--so if you need some help, I'm your man. Also, I stay away from Ferris Wheels. I'm afraid of heights.

--Mbo

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 09:15 PM

Mbo, if the opportunity arises, an older woman can be a wise choice.

BB

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 11:05 PM

Well I was going to let the compliments (on my choice of lifemate) continue to roll down upon me without response for a while. But after spending 2 hours trying to fix a broken humidifier (bought to discourage the cat from eating her fur) I thought I'd try a dose of Mudcat. Hoo-Haa! Anarchy reigns. Now as most of you know my usual suggestion for dealing with adolescent silliness is "laugh, and be glad the offensive party doesn't live next door'! To this I would now add: Find a copy of "Anton Karras and his Zither, play music from 'The Third Man', pour a glass of cheap white wine, and browse through your library for a Peter Timmerman novel". Oh, and be glad you're not being chased by Joseph Cotten in a Berlin sewer!

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Áine
Date: 18 Jan 00 - 11:09 PM

Excellent advice, Mr. Fielding!

-- Á.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Big Mick
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 12:25 AM

Just a minute here, buckos! Fielding is a partner in Fielding, Swan, Lane and Patterson, Layabouts at Large. His instruments pass to the firm, and Boots inherits his partnership..........Shit, I think I like the sound of this..............Uh,...Rick. Could we take a walk together..........downtown...........straddling a yellow line...............blindfolded............you first....

Big Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 01:43 AM

Jeezus Mick, I saw "On the Waterfront"! I'm not takin any blindfolded stroll down a dark alley (or a well lit mainstreet) with you or some fireman. And especially not with Catspaw around. God knows what medication he's on now!

Rick (who'd like some of the drugs that Mudcat's been on tonight!)

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Roger the skiffler
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 03:46 AM

if no-one wants the rosewood kazoo... (you heard his last words, it was "rosewood" wasn't it?)
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 03:58 AM

Can I put in a bid for the psaltry?

Great stuff, you guys!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Bluesy
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 09:26 AM

Catspaw,

How about the tribute concert where we get a bunch of washed up pop stars to perform Rick's songs. Of course Eric Clapton would come out and say that his musical direction was completely altered upon hearing (the blank being filled in this time is Rick's) music way back in 68 or something. Also Neil Young cause I know you have a deep admiration for him and are jealous cause he too is Canadian. I think it would be fitting if Ray Stevens closed the show with "If Jesus Was a Picker, the song I only wish I'd had the guts to record"

Another CD, Video, more Tee shirt revenue. Whadda ya think?

Steve, from his sister's PC.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 11:07 AM

GREAT ZOT!!! Steve you're right!!! A tribute concert is just the thing we need to really get the bucks rolling in. Plus the CD revenues fromit and the TV royalties from VH-1 or MTV....VH-1 is better because we can get them to do a "Legends" special too. I figure at leadt 6 different event T-Shirts and probably a "Tribute Jacket" would be about right on the apparel line.

We also need to get in touch with Chris IV and see if we can't get a "Special Edition Series" O-18. A special inlay of a dead possum at the 12th fret would be nice. Maybe an MOP Mudcat Logo on one of the two pickguards. And we could get them to print up 10,000 picks for advertizing....but we'll sell them instead as collector's pieces.

Rick, you need to apply under your favorite pseudonym (The Bootsie thing ain't too hot) at Canadian Tire and pick up a flak jacket and some football pads for your bus collision. Working out a little would be an asset too. What do you figure for a time frame? SAY, how about St. Pat's day.....very appropriate and maybe we can get some mileage out of that down the road.

Heather......Karen and I are thinking more along the lines of St. Kitts with a permanent residence for outsider visits on Saba. Think on it.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Roger the skiffler
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 11:12 AM

If Duckboots asks me "Can yer mammy sew?" I'm outta here on religious grounds (I'm a devout coward).
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 11:51 AM

Rick,

Forget about the flak jacket and football pads, you can use my goalie equipment which is getting pretty old, if we do this right, I can get new equipment out of the deal. Imagine what a national hero you would become if you were to combine my equipment with a Montreal Canadiens sweater(jersey for you Americans), go to the Molson Centre and somehow feign suicide while screaming I can't "take it anymore!!". While the nation would think that it is a statement about how sorry Les Canadiens have become, we would know that your statement was actually referring to the playing of Stompin' Tom Connors 'The Hockey Song' during breaks in the play.

This is shaping up nicely.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 11:55 AM

That sounds good to me Steve. Think there's buck in it? I mean all protests aside, we gotta' capitalize on every aspect of this thing.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 12:21 PM

Catspaw,

Hell, we could make a fortune selling video footage of the whole thing to Leafs fans.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: sophocleese
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 02:51 PM

It wouldn't be hard to fake it either. At this moment we just need an ambulance to pick him up and bypass all the Toronto hospitals, nobody will notice. Rick can you write and record a pathetic anthem about a son of a farmer who becomes a player in the NHL and marries a homeless doctor. Then if/when you're knocked off it should sell brilliantly.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 03:04 PM

Momentum, this is gaining momentum folks.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 03:12 PM

I think I detected a note of nervousness in Rick's last post. Maybe we could start singing sweet songs of murder and mayhem, and see what we could drive him to....

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 06:25 PM

Look we get El Swanno to handle the ambulance thing...no problem. Can we tie the hockey end into the players union and get Mick on this? The general hoopla will help mask the fact he ain't dead and is selling Kelly seconds over at Canadian Tire. BTW, an old Sun buddy of mine used to have the CT account...oughta' make the job acquisition easier.

Peter, could you ghost another couple of books as an ER doctor and a pathologist with differing opinions and a bit of mystery surrounding the death? Make the movie easier to sell to Stone.

And Rick, get started on a few songbooks now and a few Teaching books too. You have a lot to do plus your regular CanTire job so I doubt if you get down to the islands much, but we'll take good care of Boots in your absence.

There may be a banjo deal too along with the Martin thing. What's your preference Rick? Wanna' go Deering or what? If so, get one now so we can get photos.

Pack up Heather.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: GUEST,Big Mick from a different computer.
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 07:27 PM

I think I can work something out with the Players Union, as long as they can cut him up a bit........you know these hockey types, they want a little blood here and there.......but Rick looks like a fast healer so it should be alright.

I like the Eddie and the Cruisers thing, but we are going to have to touch up some of his photo's to make them more palatable......and, of course, in true Mudcat style, we will have to have the Fielding Memorial Condom.......must remain true to our tradition after all.

Big Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Bluesy
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 09:41 PM

Big Mick,

Good call on the commemorative condom. Should we discuss size?

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 09:51 PM

We could Steve, but I think we might get some mileage (not to mention extra bucks) out of making them overly large and enhancing the myth of Rick's sexual prowess. PETER--another book here please!!!

Then we need to make them with some abalone inlay on the tips and package them in a rosewood box.

Not wanting to miss out on anything, we need to do a tribute album off the tribute concert too. Bono and Springfield always show up on those things, so try to get a few others too.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Áine
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 10:36 PM

You know me, I love the hockey suicide scenario!! Question is, can we work in a Zamboni?? Wouldn't it be great to have the TV cams come in real close on Rick's face right after the Zam swipes across it, leaving a most attractive glaze, of course. I'll drive and 'Spaw can shoot commemorative T-shirts into the crowd with the little bitty T-shirt cannon!! Oh yea, I'm really gettin' into this now, don't ya know!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: GUEST,Mbo
Date: 19 Jan 00 - 10:38 PM

Hey, the Philly Phanatic has a hotdog bazooka--perhaps we could work that in somehow too?

--Mbo (a diehard Phillies fan)

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Peter T.
Date: 20 Jan 00 - 09:58 AM

This whole thing would have much more verisimilitude if a dear friend of Rick's, someone whose fate is not very important, and who has really invested an immense amount of energy in this ghoulish fantasy concerning another human being, and would be already prepped, oh, let us say catspaw, desperately hurls himself in front of the bus beforehand to protect Rick, and really dies. Then you could have the cameras linger long on that scene, no fakery needed, with a little sidelong glance at the graceful fallen hero and then back to the useless big bag of strawberry icecream on the road. A two victim accident, where the hero unbenownst to all gets away. Long afterwards, on the return tour, Rick could sing, "You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings" -- "Did you ever know that you're my hero...." Makes poetic sense to me, Sydney Carton and all that: "It is a far far better thing I do than I have ever done...." Yes, I think it is a far superior plan. An added wrinkle would be to have the bus plough into the guilty bystanders, but that might be a bit hard to pull off.
yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Wot no Rick?
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 20 Jan 00 - 10:04 AM

I'm liking the Zamboni scenario. And a tribute to the tribute, pure genius 'Spaw.