BS: UK Jest thread for 2026

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Feb 26 - 11:51 AM

> While British humor relies on irony, understatement,
> and cynicism, American humor is often perceived as
> too direct, earnest, and lacking in subtlety.

.... Do you mean like these German carnival floats, Donuel?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Raggytash
Date: 19 Feb 26 - 12:10 PM

We understand it very well thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Feb 26 - 11:23 AM

My friend is not happy!!….He bought a Bonnie Tyler sat nav… It keeps telling him to ‘’Turn around’’ and every now and then it falls apart!!

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Feb 26 - 05:05 PM

Burglars broke into a house, dragged a couple from their bed and tied them, back to back, to two chairs while they helped themselves to their valuables.

As the burglars where about to leave, the man called out:
"Would you untie her before you go?"

"No way" said one of the burglars. "You'd have the police on us before we were out of the neighbourhood".

"Please" he continued "it's really important".

"Look," said the burglar "we'll put in an anonymous call in a couple of hours and someone will arrive to let you go".

"No, NO!" be said, becoming more and more excited. "You have to let her go. I promise she won"t call the cops".

"I must admit" said the burglar "you must really love your wife to do all this pleading".

"You don't understand" shouted the man. "She'll be home in half an hour!"

DC

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Feb 26 - 02:18 PM

Comments on an article about passwords:

I used to use digits of pi, but they made us change it every month and it caused chaos having to change all the wheels

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 25 Feb 26 - 06:44 AM

In Comments on NASA's fill-'er-up Moon rocket 'confidence' test sees mixed results, after much discussion on hydrogen being a bar steward for finding leaks:

Coal dust

Maybe instead of hydrogen they should try beautiful clean coal instead

Too late

Trum has already arranged for the US military to buy all the coal.

Probably to fuel the new Trump-Epstein class Baffleship.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 26 - 08:37 PM

A homophobe, a child molester, and a con man walk into a bar
The bartender says "What will it be, Mr. President sir?"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 01 Mar 26 - 10:42 AM

Seen in a discussion on Web browsers:

Recently discovered Vivaldi and it rocks.

Rather than "rocks", I'd say that Vivaldi probably Baroques. I suppose you could say it's a browser for all Four Seasons.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Mar 26 - 07:14 AM

Welcome to the
"MAGA suicide prevention phone app.
'Hello?'
Please state the nature of your question
"I'M AT THE END OF MY ROPE"
Did you say you have a sore throat?
"I need help'
Did you say your business needs help?
"No"
If you support Trump stay on the line for an AI counselor.
IF you are a Democrat, stay on the line for a representative...
music plays, SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, IT COMES WITH MANY CHANGES..."

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 03 Mar 26 - 06:39 AM

The mouseover on today's XKCD seems suitable for a music site:

Now that I've finally gotten an electric vehicle, I'm never going back to an acoustic one.

Apposite :-) ?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Mar 26 - 02:30 PM

Just seen in Comments on ElReg:

> Any chance you could write in ENGLISH!

We’re looking for the King’s English here. (Not yet determined whether the king in question is Charles or Donald.)

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Mar 26 - 10:35 AM

A man was robbed at the gas station and called the police.
The policeman asked, "Could you identify the thief?
Certainly, it was pump number 3.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Mar 26 - 10:35 AM

Overheard in a care home...two gents both in their eighties. One said 'I'm really beginning to feel my age now. I have aches and pains all over, swallowing problems, and alopecia'. The other guy said 'I'm the opposite! I feel like a newborn....My hair is gone, my teeth are gone and I keep wetting myself'

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Mar 26 - 02:26 PM

Stolen from ElReg comments (an oldie but goodie, annotated):

Re: I am 52 I can’t wait to retire

Little Johnny is at school when the teacher asks each student what their father does for a living.

One child says, “My dad is a doctor.”

Another says, “My dad is a firefighter.”

When it’s Johnny’s turn, he says, “My dad is a piano player in a brothel.”

The teacher is shocked but moves on. Later that day she calls Johnny’s father to discuss the comment.

Johnny’s father sighs and says, “Look ... I’m actually a Microsoft support engineer. But I didn’t want my son to be embarrassed in front of the class.”

—

The GF knows the drill and backs the story - I completely lie about what I do for a living when I meet people. If I tell them I work in IT, the first question is "I have a problem, $X_MS_PROGRAM, does $Y_ANNOYING_THING, how do I stop it?" and expect free support, for life.

My answer in similar circumstances used to be: Two hundred quid an hour; the first week up-front and non-refundable; and I'd be learning on the job.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Mar 26 - 05:23 PM

Hegseth thought the rules for engagement involved a pre-nup.