BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Bagpuss
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 06:34 AM

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The egg turns to the chicken and says "Well I guess that solves that mystery".

Two parrots are standing on a perch. One parrot says to the other one "Can you smell fish?"

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Bagpuss
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 06:50 AM

Sorry Helen, I missed you telling the perch joke before

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Schantieman
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:14 AM

So Paddy goes for a job on a building site. The foreman says to him,
"Before I give you a job I need to find out what you know about building."
"Fair enough," says Paddy, "fire away."
"Right," says the foreman, "first of all, can you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder?"
"Ah, well," replies our friend, "that's a tough one, to be sure." [no racial stereotyping here!] "Let me t'ink now....joist....girder....joist...... AH! I have it!" says he.

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Joyce wrote 'Ulysses' and Goethe wrote 'Faust'!

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: GUEST,Foe
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:16 AM

A blond is walking beside a river. She looks across and see another blond across on the other bank. She shouts over, "How do I get to the other side." The second blond looks up and down the river and then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Schantieman
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:16 AM

...and the only other Irish joke I know which doesn't depend on their mythical lack of intelligence is this:

Why are the Irish the richest people in the world?

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Because their capital is always Dublin.


Wah wah wah!



Steve

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:40 AM

Dunno if you've seen these examples of snappy comebacks....

~S~



Don't mess with these ladies
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


Let's go for stupid
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


Drunk?
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."


Dealing with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."


Too Late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Jimmy C
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 10:59 AM

"A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.


"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and
laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she whispered,
sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.


Jimmy

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 11:43 AM

A man comes home from work unexpectedly and finds his best friend in bed with his wife. He grabs his shot gun and aims it at his friends privates.
In desperation his friends calls out "we have been friends for years we played together at school .I stooped that bully beating you up in the play ground. Doesnt that mean anything.Give me a chance."


"Okay then".he replies






"Swing them".

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 11:51 AM

thens theres the Irishman who thought that

Hertz van Hire was a Dutch international footballer.

That Runcorn Bridge was a game of cards.

That Manchester United were a football team.

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 12:01 PM

Santa was having a realy hard time of it trying to get things ready for Christmas. He had got this massive list of toys and things from all the kids who were good ,Mobile phones , DVD players , Computers ,X box, Bikes, all the usual things and more besides. However delivery of the good to Santaland was slow, the Elves were on a go slow, the dwarves wanted equal pay with the trolls and were refusing to work .everthing was going wrong. The reindeer were complaining the sledge was too heavy . Oh Santa was in a mood Eventualy he got round to all the kiddies it was a long hard night . He was exhausted. As he sat down to have a long awaited large Single malt there was a knock at the door. He opened it and standing there was a Fairy with a Christmas tree "What shall I do with This Santa?" asked the fairy.
And thats why we have a fairy at the top of the christmas tree.

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: GUEST,noddy dont stop me I am on a roll
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 12:04 PM

I dont care what star you are following get those f####ing camels out of my garden.


I dont care who you are get those reindeer off my roof.


I dont care who your dad is you can not bring that cross in here.

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Maxine
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 03:57 PM

A woman holding her baby, gets on to a bus. The bus driver says "My God, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. It really is hideous". The poor woman is understandably upset, and when she sits down, she says to the man sitting next to her, "that driver was really rude to me". The man says "Well, don't let him get away with it, go and say something to him, I'll hold your monkey"!

Sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 10 Oct 02 - 04:24 PM

Many years ago, I was helping a friend move about six blocks in Manhatten in the middle of the night. The 100 year old rubber tree would not fit into the car, so we put it on a dolly and proceeded to his new apartment. About half way there, a police car stopped and asked what we were doing. After sizing up the officer, I commented that we were walking my friend's rubber tree. The officer asked why. I explained that the tree was 100 years old and incontinent. As a result, if we didn't walk it regularly, it would make a mess on the floor. After he got done laughing, the officer waved us on.

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Teribus
Date: 11 Oct 02 - 09:16 AM

There's always the one about Jesus and the Glaswegian

Irishman with a bad leg enters a bar and sits down on a stool at the bar, he painfully hefts his bad leg onto the foot rest and orders a whisky. Looking down the bar he notices someone else sitting down the end of the bar. He calls the barman over and asks, "That guy sittin' down the end of the bar - is that Jesus?". The barman nods his head and says, "Yeah that's him, he's one of my regulars". The Irishman then says, "In that case would you get him a large whisky on me". The barman gives Jesus the whisky and Jesus nods at the Irishman.

Just then an Italian with an extremely distorted spine walks into the bar and sits down beside the Irishman. He orders a glass of Chianti. The Irishman taps him and points towards Jesus. The Italian calls the barman over and asks, "That guy sittin' down the end of the bar - is that Jesus?". The barman nods his head and says, "Yeah that's him, he's one of my regulars". The Italian then says, "In that case would you get him a glass of Chianti on me". The barman gives Jesus the Chianti and Jesus nods at the Italian.

just then a Glaswegian enters the bar and sits down beside the Irishman and the Italian. He orders a pint of Lager. The irishman and the Italian tap him on the elbow and point towards Jesus. The Glaswegian calls the barman over and asks, "See youse is that God's boy doon yonder, yye ken yon Jesus". The barman nods his head and says, "Yeah that's him, he's one of my regulars". The Glaswegian then says, "In that case would youse get him a pint o' lager on me". The barman gives Jesus the lager and Jesus nods at the Glaswegian.

Jesus finishes up his drink, nods to the barman and makes his way up the bar to the door. He stops by the Irishman and lays his hand on the Irishmans shoulder and says, "Thanks for your kindness and hospitality, you are cured." The Irishman jumps up from the stool, his leg is as good as new and he does an irish jig out of the door.

Jesus then stops by the Italian and lays his hand on his shoulder and says, ""Thanks for your kindness and hospitality, you are cured." The Italian gets off his stool, straightens his back and does a series of back-flips out of the door.

Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian, who jumps off his stool and says, "Keep yer han's tae yersel' Am oan Disability Allowance."

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 08:18 AM

Roy Hudd, veteran British comic and respected authority on the Music Hall, was on tv last night. He said his favourite joke (and he must have heard them all!) is:
"Butcher, give me tow pork chops, and make them lean."
"Certainly madam--which way?"

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 08:18 AM

Ahem ... that's two pork chops ...

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Trevor
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 09:29 AM

What goes 'ooooooooooo'?



















A cow with no lips!

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Amos
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 11:54 AM

I've always enjoyed reflecting on the story of the man who was half (insert preferred stupid minority here) and half Italian.... who made himself an offer he couldn't understand. It seems to me this joke reflects on the moron in all of us.

Other favorites:

"Well, ma'am, I used to thing I was a real cowboy, but now I think I'm a lesbian!"

and

"Sheep LIE!"

and

"Adios, Muddahfuggah!"

What's really wonderful is the range and depth of humnaity's efforts to make itself laugh -- it really is a very deep art form.

A

Subject: RE: BS: 'World's funniest joke' identified
From: Coyote Breath
Date: 16 Oct 02 - 01:19 AM

Do any of you suppose Usama Bin Laden has a favorite joke? Anyone care to speculate as to what it might be? Should this be a seperate thread Joe Offer?

CB