BS: Amuse me

Subject: BS: Amuse me
From: Janie
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 09:41 PM

What has happened to this forum? Way to many people up in the music threads. One would think this is a folk music forum or something.

In the meantime, the poor BS section is slowly shrinking - and not because most of you have seen the light and come to understand the redemptive value of MOAB, decided to stop fighting over politics, have all agreed there either is or isn't a God, or have taken the pledge to stop shagging sheep.

What is wrong with you people? Did you all go get a life or something?

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 09:50 PM

Well, your post amuses me.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Beer
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 09:53 PM

I love it.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Beer
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 09:53 PM

Even on birthday threads.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 09:59 PM

See MOAB.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Amos
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 10:18 PM

WE should make reading the whole MOAB a pre-requisite to membership.



A

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 10:24 PM

To membership in what?? The NYCFTTS? MC? Our Boarding House? The Bull Moose Party? Battlestar Galactica? The William Shatner School of Drama?

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 10:33 PM

Amuse you? Okay, here's the world's shortest fairy tale:


"Once upon a time, there were three bears.

Now the woods are full of 'em."

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Janie
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 10:38 PM

And then....?

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Ebbie
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 10:56 PM

Now thar's 34 hunters out thar pursuing them b'ars.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 11:01 PM

Didn't Alan Price do a song called 'Tickle Me'?

(North West England - and probably other places - colloquialism turns Amuse into Tickle. As in 'That thread realy tickled me' instead of ...realy amused me)

Making this a music thread...

:D (eG)

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: katlaughing
Date: 30 Mar 09 - 11:10 PM

Well, we've been experiencing a long dry spell over in t'holler. (I've been thinking it's time for another try at a new story thread, but I'd LOVE to read more of your Holler stories!)

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Gurney
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 01:50 AM

I agree, Janie. I had a dig at salesmen in the 'Soft Side of Hard Times' thread, and it sank like a stone.

Salesmen aren't wot they used ter be, are they!

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: GUEST,Slag
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 02:00 AM

:P

or :):(:):(:):(:):( mixed emotions at best.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Rasener
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 02:02 AM

I remeber a Salesman cold calling m eon the phone. It was from a number you couldn't trace.

I asked him who the hell he was and that my number was ex directory, so how come he got to phone me.

He said you don't know who I am

I said No

He said "F*ck off" and the line went dead.

Couldn't trace the number.

However that was true.

Makes me laugh now, but not at the time.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Ebbie
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 02:16 AM

I had a little fun with the last recorded message that urged in strident tones, Please listen. Your car may be without warranty. Please do not drive your car without warranty. This is our final call on this matter. Please press 1 to speak to our representative.

So I pressed 1.

A man said: Please state the make and model of your car.

I said, Oh, you know so much about me I thought you'd know that.

click

The next time I'm going to say, all flustered like, Oh, goodness. Let me go look it up.

And lay the receiver down.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Rasener
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 02:56 AM

LOL

Well thats alright as long as you are not paying premium rates.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Morticia
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 03:42 AM

I didn't take any kind of pledge.....*G*

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 03:49 AM

A few years back in Whitby, MC Fat encouraged a load of people to write their name on a tin of furniture polish so that could say they had signed the pledge...
Quack!
GtD.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: gnu
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 07:06 AM

Maybe later... after I get some tea in and shovel some more snow... half a metre... how's that for a joke? Mother Nature is a bit... finincky.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Acorn4
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 07:49 AM

Last week I had one of those "Why I'm glad I don't teach kids any more" moments.

I do a bit of exam invigilation in a secondary school that, until a couple of years back, had the worst exam results in the country. I was invigilating an art exam, which is slightly different to normal ones in that in runs for two days. It had got to just before lunchtime on the second day, and one or two of the students were getting a bit fed up.

The teacher said to one of the girls:-

"Sheryl, who don't you try to get that section finished off before lunch?

Sheryl replied:-

"Oh, Miss, do I have to? I can't be arsed!

Teacher replied:-

"I beg your pardon, Sheryl?"

Sheryl:-

"Sorry, Miss. Worra meant to say was 'I can't be bovvered!"

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: SINSULL
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 08:15 AM

And here I thought I was the only one foolish enough to let my car warranty expire. I also don't remember filling out an application on line for some service but all I have to do is call them back to activate it - and maybe give them a credit card number.

All these calls started when I bought my car. I am on the No Call list. May be time to renew that.

I think I will go over and see what is going on in the tavern...

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: artbrooks
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 09:47 AM

I get those warranty calls about once a week, and hang up. I always suspect that, if you push a button, you get transferred to a $9 a minute number in the Cayman Islands.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: John Hardly
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 10:18 AM

The amusement bubble has burst. All the low-hanging jokes and stories and insights have been picked and all that is left is in the upper branches. And there is no ladder. The masters of amusement have left the planet and are off searching other galaxies for more material. Still others have moved off to a different dimension -- a dimension wherein the mundane can grow amusement crystals that, no two being exactly alike, will stand a chance at eternal amusement.

Everyone else left behind has taken to using "amusement helper-words" -- words that, when attached to old, no longer amusing material, will make it uproariously amusing. The words include, but are not limited to:

1. "like". When inserted into a phrase, that phrase suddenly takes on a whole new, like, sensibility.

2. "ass" For such a small word, it has become the go-to word in amusement repair. Otherwise intelligent people will laugh uproariously if this little three-letter word is inserted into any sentence. Try it. "Four score and ten years ago, our fathers brought forth to this ass..." See? ...you can't stop laughing, can you?

3. "the "F-bomb" This used to be the domain of the intellectual, but has fallen to common usage. Now everyone can be amusing. Just insert the F-bomb. Try it. "Fuck score and ten years ago, our fathers brought forth on this..." See? ...you can't stop laughing, can you?

4. "Totally" If you have, like TOTALLY run out of amusement, try inflection.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: topical tom
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 10:22 AM

Another good way to handle such unwanted calls is to press the pound key (or number key) rapidly and repeatedly while the person is speaking.Apparently this can foul up their info in some way as well.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: katlaughing
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 10:34 AM

John Hardly, brill, as usual!**lol**

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: GUEST,the sad prophet
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 10:51 AM

no

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Rasener
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 11:25 AM

Some answers in exams.

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin & water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. "

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is negative or affirmative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 02:37 PM

A circle is a round, straight line with a hole in the middle.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 03:33 PM

I love unsolicited sales calls. I have a "home" number which gets no such calls (registered with the appropriate authority), so I get the unsolicited ones on my "home work" line, a remnant from my previous job. I generally rotate between three actions in response:

a) speak Greek to them
b) leave the handset on the table as long as it takes; I don;t care, very few people know that number anyway (and Villan, you are asked to forget it herewith!)
c) I talk agitatedly along the lines of "my dog just stopped breathing - do you know about dogs?"

But I mostly speak Greek. I like the idea that my mother tongue is being heard in some remote corner of the world. If I do it enough, they might learn it.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Alice
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 03:51 PM

I don't read the MOAB thread. The one time I tried to open it, it froze my computer. I AM ABSOLUTELY HAPPY without it.
There are so many other things in life to amuse me...

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse ment
From: GUEST,donuel
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 04:06 PM

George, I am just like you. Sometimes a repetitive call might get an answer such as "thats a nice business you got there.......It'd be a shame if anything happened to it."

Rarely I immediatley answer with something like "AIG complaint department, please fuck off"
In those cases it is usually someone without a sense of humor who get such a greeting

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 04:40 PM

go thou, and be amused

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: John Hardly
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 04:49 PM

Watch...

...this one is called "man walking into the wind".

...here's the one I call "man trapped inside a box".

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 04:58 PM

That's very amusing, Bill.

So this half-unravelled, knotted up shoelace walks into a bar and the bar-tender says, "Hey--aren't you the shoelace I kicked out of here about fifteen minutes ago??"

And the shoelace says, "No, I'm a frayed knot...".



A

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Rasener
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 05:18 PM

Do you mean the Whitehall 12 12 12 number George?

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 05:29 PM

Consider yourself amused.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: GUEST,Slag
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 05:31 PM

I got the car warranty call too. "No call list" and all. I generally hang up on robotic calls immediately as there is nothing so insane as talking to a non rational object. There is more to be said about that...but not here. Nonetheless I pressed the number one and when an actual human being began to speak I asked her how she got my number (unlisted) and did she know I was on the don not call list? She replied "I didn't call you sir. You called me."!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: gnu
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 07:18 PM

Been too busy shovelling snow and taking care of stuff today. I'll have to amuse you tomorrow.

Smoke em if ya got em.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Janie
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 07:22 PM

There were supposed to be 35 hunters. Bubba had left plenty early enough to meet the other guys. 10 miles from the rhondevous, he felt the call of nature and pulled over onto the berm to drain the radiator, so to speak. In doing so, he ran over a shard of glass - a piece of an Old Milwaukee bottle he himself had tossed out the window of the F250 a couple of months earlier on his way back from the hunting club.   

He saw the flat as soon as he returned to the truck. Cursing, he....

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: gnu
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 07:33 PM

... vowed to drink cans of Bud from now on. Safety first.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Alice
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 07:44 PM

But his troubles were only starting.
"Ah, geez, the guys will never believe this", he said, as he turned to stare straight in the face of a Sasquatch, not too happy that Bubba had just peed on a tasty huckleberry bush.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: GUEST,mudcat cartoon dept.
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 08:05 PM

mudcat press 2009

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Joe_F
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 08:47 PM

Janie:

Q. What do Welshmen sing when they get together?
A. Cwm Rhondevous.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Ebbie
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 11:06 PM

I got another of those calls a few minutes ago What happened to the warning that it was the last time they were going to call?)

Again I pushed 1 and when a young woman's voice said, Please state the make and model of your car, I said in a pleased, friendly voice, Hi! Good to hear your voice! How are you?!

There was an instant of silence then click.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Mar 09 - 11:44 PM

Ebbie that is exactly the same call I got about 12 times over the last 2 months.

It only ended after I said "nice business you got there, it'd be a shame...

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Gurney
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 12:02 AM

How about a few serves for those cold-callers.

"Have you been saved?"

"Are you calling to cancel a termination?"

"You'll never take me alive, copper!"

Anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: Ebbie
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 01:13 AM

I'm kind of enjoying it. Since I have no expectation that the calls will stop I plan not to get uptight about them.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: DMcG
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 03:33 AM

April fool Jokes: BMW usually do something clever, but I feared they'd all be too serious this year. They aren't.

Subject: RE: BS: Amuse me
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 04:19 AM

Hey kids! How many times have I told you not to do that!..You'll go blind!!!!..................................................................................................... VVVVVVVVVV v
v
v
v
v
v
v
Hey dad, ..we're over here!