BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:02 AM

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:54 AM

Swedish joke, though the Norwegians tell it the other way.

How do you sink a Norwegian Submarine? Done scuba gear and knock on the door.

How do you sink a Danish Sub? Lend it to the Norwegians.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:17 PM

What's dumber than a dumb Dane?
A smart Swede.

Subject: RE: Secret Santa 2015 Gift Echange
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 09:37 PM

Will exchange Waffle Bot for Columbian 12 string guitar.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Mad jock
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 06:03 AM

A man ran into a bar

OUCH!

It was an iron bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 06:28 AM

A man stepped into a bar and went "Squelch"

It was a Mars bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 04:32 PM

A dyslexic walked into a bra...

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 01:23 PM

Courtesy of a FB friend.......how did mary and Joseph know Jesus weighed exactly 2lb ,6ozs.................they had .....a weigh in the manger.....

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 01:37 PM

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 10:35 PM

Joseph tripped over a lamb, fell on the floor, and exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" "Say," said Mary, "Wonderful name for the kid."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 06:05 AM

Trainee priest walking through the Seminary grounds, falls face flat in the mud while climbing a stile
"Oh shit!! Fuck, I said shit!! Shit, I said Fuck!! Ah bollocks; I didn't want to be a priest anyway!!

Or;
A young novice is seduced by a priest.
Straightening down her habit, she says, "What am I going to tell the Mother Superior about allowing myself to be seduced twice?"
"But I only seduced you once".
"You're not in a hurry, are you?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 05:59 PM

An oldie but baddie:

"How's the wife?"
"She's in bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 06:11 PM

What do you call a highly regarded west coast spiritual medium with really bad breath?

A SuperCaliforniaPsychicExtraHalitosis.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 03:41 AM

Back in the old folk club days that some of us get nostalgic about, groaning yet excellent jokes tended to be delivered perfectly by the late lamented Tony Capstick. I can still picture him now, with his one liners whilst tuning his guitar;

What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on.

What have Lobster Thermidor and a blow job got in common? You don't get either in our bloody house.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 04:47 AM

A young couple were driving home from as dance when he pulls the car into a quiet country land and they began fumbling and fondling.
After a while he says, "Get in the back seat" and she replies "No".
They continue their passionate shenanigans until the car steams up and he says again "Get in the back seat", to which she replies "No".
Eventually, after several tries, he becomes so frustrated and angry that he pushes her into her seat, slams the car into gear and races off at a great rate until they come to her front door, where he says, "Get out".
Tearfully, she dos so, and as she disappears up the path he asks after her, "Why wouldn't you get into the back seat?"
"I wanted to stay in the front, with you".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 05:57 AM

Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter?
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 09:13 PM

Jim: "Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter?"

They tried to tell him...but he wouldn't hear of it!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 10:06 PM

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naa!
(This one works in French too: Pom-pom-pom-poomme)

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 04:20 AM

Think I might have told this before but I think it' worth re-telling.
An elderly couple farmed a rough piece of land on The Burren (about ten miles north of here)
The farm was about four miles outside of Lisdoonvarna and the only time either of them ever got out was the occasional time she cycled in to do the shopping.
One morning the man got up to find his wife dressed up in her Sunday clothes, ready to go out - the told him she was going to Lisdoon to have her hair done.
He began to think it was some sort of an occasion, an anniversary maybe, so he decided to use it to his advantage to try and make a romantic night of it, which they had long given up - too tired after a hard day's work.
He set about cleaning the house from top to bottom, dusted everything, shined the brass doorknobs... till the house was spotless.
Then he got out the best china, laid the table ready for a meal and placed candles round the room.
Finally, he changed all the linen on the bed, more candles, got some flowers from the field and placed them in a jar beside the bed, with a couple between the sheets.
Just as he was having a final look around he spotted a chest under the bed he had never noticed before, which he drew out and opened, only to find if was crammed full of paper money and right on the top, two hen's eggs.
When she came back from Lisdoon, he confronted her, demanding to know about the content of the chest.
She looked flustered and finally said, "Pat, I have a confession; I've been unfaithful to you, and each time, I was so ashamed that I took an egg from the hen-coop and placed it in the box to remind me of my sin".
He was stunned, but after a little thought, he finally said, "Well, after nearly fifty years of marriage, I suppose two lapses is understandable; but what about the money?"
She said, "well each time the number of eggs reached ten, I took them into Lisdoon, sold them in the market and put the money aside for a rainy day".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 09:44 AM

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entedre, so the barman gave her one.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 01:50 PM

WARNING: Working blue here and possibly non-PC.

How do you make a Jewish American Princess scream in bed?

After you service her you get up and wipe off your pecker on the drapes.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 04:26 PM

How do you know when a Barnsley lass has an orgasm?

She drops her bag of chips

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 07:02 AM

A man walks into a doctor's surgery, places his penis on the desk and says, "what do you make of that?"
The doctor closely examines it for a long time and finally announces, "Sorry, can't find anything wrong with it".
The man calmly puts it back in his pants, zips up and walks out saying, "Nope, it's pretty near perfect, isn't it?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 07:10 PM

What's the difference, since we're going there, speaking of double entendres, between a nymphomaniac, a hooker, and a Jewish American Princess?

The nympho says, Is that all?
The whore says, That's all!
And the JAP says (looking upwards)... Peach. I think I'll paint it...peach.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 07:38 PM

I have notified the Dyslexic Defense League to use Mrrzy for a million dollars.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: beeliner
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 11:56 AM

I contributed one earlier as the worst I'd ever heard, but I just remembered another that's even worse, so here it is:

In a small town, two gentlemen, unrelated, passed away on the same day. Their bodies were, of course, taken to the local
mortuary along with clothing for the burial.

After the mortician had done his work, the two families were invited to preview the departed gentlemen prior to the visitations.

One of the deceased was wearing his conservative double-breasted suit, the other a somewhat sportier outfit.

Each family thought that the other gentlemen's clothing was more attractive and they asked the mortician if a switch could possibly
be made.

"No problem", said the mortician, "we'll take care of it right away."

Next day, at the visitation, both families were pleased with the attire of the deceased and thanked the mortician profusely for his
time and trouble.

"Oh", replied the mortician, "it really wasn't much trouble, we just switched heads."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: beeliner
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 07:29 PM

From Joe F.:"Joseph tripped over a lamb, fell on the floor, and exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" "Say," said Mary, "Wonderful name for the kid."

I heard it a bit differently:

Joseph is working in his carpentry shop, suddenly, little Jesus runs in and asks "Dad, did you call me?"

"No, son", said Joseph, "I just hit my thumb with a hammer!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 04:25 AM

A Zebra on an exchange visit to an English farm, wanders around introducing himself to all the inhabitants.
He spies a sheep, trots over and says, "what are you??"
"I'm a sheep"
"And what do you do?"
"Well, I eat grass all day, every so often I'm taken to the shed, my wool is cut off to make clothes, and when I die my meat will be used to feed people and my fleece will make rugs and more clothes".
"Very good"; the Zebra trots off until he meets a horse; "What are you and what do you do?"
"I'm a horse; I'm fed and groomed; I give visiting children rides, sometimes pull about heavy machinery and when I die my hide will be used to make leather for shoes".
The Zebra trots off and eventually comes across a chicken; "What on earth are you and what could you possibly do?".
"I'm a chicken; I lay eggs for breakfast, and when I die my meat will be used to feed people".
Next, a cow, "I'm a cow, I graze all day, I give buckets and buckets of milk and when I die I'll be used to feed and clothe people - I'm probably the most useful animal on the farm".
Finally, the Zebra trots off to the farm end of the farm where he spots an enormous great bull.
He trots over and says, "I suppose you're another cow?"
The bull glowers at him; "Fuck off - I'm a bull".
"And what do you do?"
"Get those fuckin' pyjamas off and and I'll show you".
Jim Carroll