BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:00 PM

I have now seen Hamsterdance. I don't know whether to thank Spaw or instruct my dachshund to pee on his geraniums and dig up his lawn...

I have also seen a site where you get to kill dancing hamsters. Pretty tasteless stuff. Killing teletubbies is another matter...I can relate to that.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:06 PM

Well Hawk, there's always THIS instead.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Devilmaster
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:11 PM

Spaw, I think its time to learn a new instrument.....

you got WAY too much time on your hands my friend. :)

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:28 PM

don't you folks know that the cow fart/belch idea has been around for ages now, and is really taken seriously in some parts? Well, granted...this story deals with the end product of bovine processes, but still...

and, some are worried that the cows may want to have a say in the matter...beware!

but, if you'd like to go into the matter seriously, here are the calculations ......hey! don't be lighting that match while reading this thread! You wanta blow us all to Hull?

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:31 PM

Oh, fer gawd's sake! Now I'm the one who's feeling queasy...

Never knew that "Plastic Jesus" had that many verses.

Hamsterdance was torture, but this is hell!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:35 PM

by the way, John...sorry but you are way too late....Hamster power is already being researched...*grin*

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:40 PM

but, who says the Hamsters would even cooperate! The hamster heirarchy and Satanic influences may be way beyond our poor power to influence their habits!

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:40 PM

Sick. Absolutely sick. This is the sort of thing that causes hamsters to lose sleep during the day and chew on the cage bars into the wee hours of the night.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: gnomad
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:41 PM

Stolen caption from Private Eye cartoon (this week's edition) "What do you mean, you hid your cocaine supply in the hamster's cage?"

Cartoon suggests that this may give extra output but even with bulk buying I'm unsure of the commercial viability, unless you can get a regular army of people all hiding their supplies in the same place maybe?

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:43 PM

I must be telepathic or sumpn -- I'm feeling like that myself, right now!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:50 PM

Ya' know if Bin Laden gets wind of all this we could be in real trouble. They've already proven you can kill thousands with box cutters and if he equips his operatives with a hamster-powered toaster and a box of Pop-Tarts, I don't know how we can stop them from wreaking havoc all over.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:51 PM

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/\_m m_/\

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Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Melani
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:54 PM

I am completely out of luck with this. We have rats, and unlike hamsters, which are notoriously stupid, adult rats refuse to use exercise wheels, because by the time they're a couple of months old, they have figured out that they're not going anywhere. I guess I'll just have to keep working on that solar panel.

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Dicho (Frank Staplin)
Date: 28 Dec 01 - 08:28 PM

Bill D, those UNEP methane figures are one-sided propagandic nonsense. Where, I ask you, are the comparative figures for vegetarian humans? Polecats? Catspaw?

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Dec 01 - 11:27 AM

soon as catspaw gits off his butt from in front of the 'puter so samples can be taken, serious research will begin..Polecats, I imagine will be negligable in comparison. Perhaps YOU would care to take on that part of the project...*grin*....

Vegetarian humans may be too anal-retentive for inclusion in the study...*ducking & running*

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Amos
Date: 29 Dec 01 - 01:02 PM

Spaw:

While I see the reason for your concern about Kelloggs' providing new armament for terrorist attacks, I think we can rest easy here. There are no small schools in business in the US providing instruction in opening the complex wrappers.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Hollowfox
Date: 29 Dec 01 - 03:21 PM

If free electricity from hamsters is newsworthy, I have one question: how much do hamsters usually charge per kilowatt hour?

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: GUEST,Bardford
Date: 29 Dec 01 - 04:56 PM

Right. And where would they send gerbil?

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Dec 01 - 05:18 PM

That flaming strawberry pop tart in the toaster device is a scary one indeed! What if Bin Laden's fanatics should succeed in positioning one under Dubya's Oval Office chair...or his bed...or in his toilet bowl? This is a dire threat if ever I've heard of one, and I hope the Secret Service is working night and day on doing something about it!

Melani - So hamsters are "notoriously stupid", are they? Well! You're going to be getting some nasty responses from some furry little faces around here, lemme tell ya!

I asked the resident hamster why they, unlike rats, continue using their excercise wheels, month after month, year after year. He says it's because "rats are quitters". Boy, is he ticked off at you...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Amos
Date: 29 Dec 01 - 05:52 PM

Rats are QUITTERS!!!??

ROFLMAO, Little Hack!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Ian Darby
Date: 29 Dec 01 - 10:04 PM

Those Hamsterdance Chaps, I love the way they stare straight ahead and keep their arms at their sides whilst jigging around looking mildly constipated.

Before I go any further, if Michael Flatley intends to take up a career(?) in boxing, how's he going to go on if he's never learnt to use his arms.

Picture the scene, "Seconds away. Round one." Cue music.. (Bhodran & Fiddle.) Diddly Diddly Diddly, SMACK! Diddly Diddly Diddly, SMACK! "And Tyson's tiring," Diddly, Diddly, Diddly, SMACK! "Flatley's just got his flute out and is playing an air for his mother.... Tyson looks confused, he doesn't seem to be able to work out what key Flatley's in....."

Returning to the thread, I personally prefer the energy generating qualities of centipedes* but as a general rule of thumb, their length should not exceed that of half the circumference of the wheel.

If it matches the circumference then they just go round and round and the wheel remains stationary. Then again, I find them to be sullen, lazy creatures and very difficult to motivate. Trying to get electricity from these beggars is about as easy as milking a frog.

I am also distrustful of any creature which needs more than four limbs to move around. If Spiders looked more like little fluffy dogs or Cats there would be far less phobias in this world. I for one would be happy to leave food out for them. (As long as it wasn't dishes full of flies and moths.)

* Don't use the poisonous ones.

P.S. I haven't actually done any of the above. I made it all up.

P.P.P.S. I meant it about the spiders though.

Happy New Year to all you gentle Mudcats and Mudcatesses, I would also like to apologise in advance.

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Dec 01 - 10:19 PM

Ya' know.....Somehow I can't buy off on your Michael Flatley scenario. I think it might be more like:

Picture the scene, "Seconds away. Round one." Cue music.. (Bhodran & Fiddle.) Diddly Diddly Diddly, SMACK! Diddly Diddly Diddly, SMACK! "And Tyson's simply staring" Diddly, Diddly, Diddly, SMACK! "Tyson rushes in and ties up Flatley giving him a quick knee to the groin and biting off half his ear" (Ref separates them and Flatley looks confused) "Flatley's now has his flute out and begins to play an air for his mother.... Tyson lands a right cross and Flatley goes down as Tyson rams the flute a foot and a half up his ass........"

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Dicho (Frank Staplin)
Date: 29 Dec 01 - 10:46 PM

Is it true that hamsters keep the wheels turning behind the scenes at Mudcat?

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Ian Darby
Date: 30 Dec 01 - 05:52 AM

Thanks Catspaw

A certain ex-girlfriend of Tyson's gets in the ring, and removes the flute from its resting place. Now, since the trial she has learned to play a Didgeridoo of immense girth....

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Melani
Date: 31 Dec 01 - 01:29 AM

Little Hawk--As a veteran of four hamsters and five rats, I feel I am in a position to compare them. I will admit that hamsters are cuter to look at, and have lovely golden brown fur. But every hamster I ever had bit me at least once, and none of the five rats have ever bitten anyone.

As for being quitters--you should have seen Olivia this morning, trying to open a jar of peanut butter with her teeth. Given long enough, she would have done it. Rats once caused a leak in the C.A. Thayer's fresh water system by chewing through lead pipes.

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Amos
Date: 31 Dec 01 - 05:41 AM

See? Not only are they quitters, but they're obsessive-compulsive, too!!! ;>))

A

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Dec 01 - 08:37 AM

Melani - Well of course they bit you! Hamsters don't like being called "stupid". :-))

Ian - LOL! Very funny stuff! I love the centipede description...and the Tyson/Flatley match is really something to contemplate. Interesting variation by Spaw too. How about a Mike Tyson versus Woody Allen match...or even Mike Tyson versus Bill Gates...

Compose a description of that for us, if you would.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Chris/Darwin
Date: 01 Jan 02 - 06:48 AM

Finally this thread needs some sense!! I work for a power company, so in lieu of Yorkshire, I am just the man to put you all right on the mathematics of this!

I read once that a human can put out about 100 watts of power for a while (and while we are at it, let's get the watts jokes out of the way - "what, what, what, what - I say, only four watts, he is not very bright!!").

Assuming a hampster is about one hundredth of a human in power output (we will need to redefine horsepower (hp) here, because we could get confused with human power (hp) or hampster power (hp) - let's assume a hampster (hp) is one watt (definitely not very bright!).

To generate enough electricity to supply the USA, you would need about 600 billion hampsters (i.e., 600 thousand million). I tried to work out how much feed this many hampsters would need, but my calculator went on strike, and the answer was either 4 million cubic acres per hour (i.e., 2 million of Uncle Scrooge's money bins full of feed) or something the size of Venus. I tried to check this calculation using pen and paper, but I ran out of paper.

However, I can confidently predict that there isn't enough food on earth to feed this lot, but if you could the by-products would truly awe - inspiring. And the support industries - breeding replacements, funerals and burial of 200 billion hampsters per annum. (Come to think of it, the funeral notices would get a bit repetitive, wouldn't they?) The mind boggles! Imagine if they all farted at once - you would knock the Earth out of orbit!

By the way, are there any songs about hampsters?

Regards Chris

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 Jan 02 - 07:26 AM

Chris, I am indeed grateful for these calculations and research. What you're saying then is that John may be a bit off-base here...either that or drunk. As we had already established the latter, we all appreciate your work on the former.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jan 02 - 11:16 AM

600,000,000,000,000 (6x10^14) watts? or 600,000,000,000 (6x10^11) watts?

And am I to assume that is a number of watts flowing 24 hours a day? Because if so you'd need shifts -- the little buggers need their sleep, you klnow. Which means two or three times that number of individuals. Maybe four times, 'cuz I don't think hamsters can run a straight eight-hour shift. Don't small bodies deplete sooner under sustained exertion? If humans can work eight hours, according to Chris' scale of 1:100, hamsters can only run for about 4.8 minutes without sleeping for another 4.8 minutes, more or less. And then taking 4.8 minutes of to live their lives and eat and so on. If this is the case we can round the numbers out and estimate a 15 minute diurnal cycle of work, sleep, eat. This is the equivalent of only producing 19.2 minutes an hour which actually means the labor pool would have to be 3.125 times Chris' initial estimate, plus a margin for illness and holiday coverage.

As for Obits, if you had to name them individually, it would be a challenge. You'ld probably have to resort to numbered names like Rolf345, Spot59792, Spanky987, and Tidbit288.

The back yards of the world would be littered with little signs that say things like "Here lies Timmy67890987 -- A Good Hamster -- He gave his All".

Real estate values would plummet because of the legal complications of residences built on burying grounds, and all kinds of sanitary devices would be invented. "Neighbors not respecting minimum depth laws for their hamsters? Being hounded by bad smells? Don't suffer in silence -- get this house-size Wind Reverser, and send those odors back where they came from!! Yours for only twenty EASY payments...."

Not to mention labor-saving things to make the composting of the little corpses easier. "Hi, I'm Fred Gewgaw and I'm here to tell you about the new "Stackastiff" hard plastic multitier underground stiff-stacker. Make your life a little easier for only $99.99!!"

Ya know, when you are responsible for new techology you have to think hard about the ramifications over time. I think in this case we really ought to send John back to the drawing board or the bottle, whichever comes first!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 01 Jan 02 - 11:37 AM

Hehehehehe...

John, mate, you never realised what a monster you were going to create with this one, I'm sure!

*G*

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Melani
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 11:31 AM

Couldn't we use methane generated by the, er, byproducts to generate power? I will admit to being way out of my depth here, just brainstorming. Also would the fact that hamsters are determinedly nocturnal be an advantage or disadvantage?

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: lamarca
Date: 02 Jan 02 - 03:54 PM

The dead hamsters are a lot easier to stack if you first run over them a couple times with your SUV, let them air dry for a few days, then peel them off the pavement in compressed form.

We once had a pair of Siberian hamsters that were liberated from a depression study (did you know that hamsters get depressed? Neither did I - that's government research for you!) We named them Hoover and Eureka (because of the way they reacted to their food) and kept them in a little cage in the lab. And Hoover and Eureka begat Electrolux, Rainbow, Miehle and Kirby, who were sent home with various co-workers for their children. Then they begat Dustbuster, Dirt Devil, Oreck, Bissell and Hokey. As we started running out of names, we started trading the offspring in for tropical fish for our aquarium. Hoover and Eureka kept on inhaling food and producing baby hamsters. It never occurred to us to try to use them as a power source...

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Mr Happy
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 09:10 AM

there's creatures at the north pole very similar to hamsters.

at certain times of the year they become suicidal en masse and stampede to the nearest icy precipice and all fling themselves off into thin air, dropping into the arctic sea & drown.

perhaps they could be caught in nets attached to a turbine which could then be used for central heating & hot showers in peoples igloos!

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 04 Jul 02 - 04:32 PM

melani-hamsters are NOT stupid.john

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Mr Happy
Date: 05 Jul 02 - 03:25 AM

btw they're called lemmings

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 05 Jul 02 - 04:11 PM

Now, if we can only train politicians and lawyers to do the same...

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jul 02 - 04:56 AM

Well, something/someone IS stupid here.

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 07 Jul 02 - 12:24 AM

Current issue of Smithsonian Magazine, July 2002, has an article PeeWee Poweron miniture engines the size of a quarter.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 07 Jul 02 - 12:42 AM

I think he means minature.

Sincerley
John

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 07 Jul 02 - 01:53 AM

By God - that miss-spelling sobered the old sot up quick!

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 07 Jul 02 - 02:09 AM

God had nothing to do with it!
I am sure he has more important things on his mind than your bad spelling!

Sincerley
John from Hull

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 07 Jul 02 - 02:16 AM

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Good Night
Gargoyle

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 07 Jul 02 - 02:21 AM

If the hamster's dead who is turning the wheel? (And Why) Weirdo!

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 14 Aug 03 - 11:08 PM

heloo, this is a good idea for power cuts.john

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 15 Aug 03 - 08:04 AM

how true! Pet stores throughout NY; Ohio, NJ, Massachusetts and Ontario report massive runs on hamsters and even gerbils!

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 11:32 PM

gerbils are rubbish!

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Cluin
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:48 AM

Pssst... by the way, it's really spelled miniature.

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:51 AM

oh.

Subject: RE: BS: Free Electricity From Hamsters!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 12:52 AM

Post 100, I thank you.
Hamsters, the true path!