BS: Say, new sayings?

Subject: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: gnu
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 04:33 PM

Inspired by threads like "Busier than a ???? jokes" I wondered about what phrases you have coined? Everyone has heard my Politically Incorrect definition of love, so, here's another gem....

They are so stunned they couldn't organize an orgy in a brothel with a hand full of hundred dollar bills and a half dozen drunk sailors.

Throw out yer pearls.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 04:56 PM

I heard that as 'couldn't organise a cock-up in a brothel' which is a bit more subtle and some people have to think about it.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 06:21 PM

I heard a co worker come up with a malaprop the I still use...
"That's it in a handbasket"

or... Six of one, a dozen of half of the others.
Nick

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: John O'L
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 06:26 PM

As useful as pockets on a sock.
I need one like a fish needs a bicycle...
...or like a moose needs a hat rack.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: mrdux
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 06:55 PM

He can't find third base with both hands.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 07:37 PM

Can't find his butt with both hands and a flashlight.

Couldn't do that much damage with a day off, a sledge hammer, and a mission statement.

Hasn't had an original thought since his belly button formed.

Got a temper touchier than a quart of nitroglycerine on a rough road.

Smells worse than a combined pig and chicken farm.

Went so fast it two days for his whistle to catch up with him.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: frogprince
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 08:01 PM

Hmmm, if you guys coined some of those yourselves, they sure have gotten around a lot since years ago when you coined them : )

What this country needs is more men with real two-fisted guts on their shoulders!

To the best of my knowledge, that's my own. On at least a couple of occasions I've tossed it out to bonofide macho-redneck dudes who have just nodded enthusiastically, as if I had actually said something, and never suspected I was messing with them.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: The Walrus
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 08:18 PM

About as useful as a plough on a fish-farm!

As useful as a chocolate fire-guard (it seemed better than the 'chocolate teapot' or 'chocolate kettle' that were in circulation at the time).

W

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 08:57 PM

Do newly coined words count? I use "nibling" for sibling's child (et voilà, gender-neutral term for niece-or-nephew), as in I have three sisters and 6 niblings. Have been trying to get that one to catch on for years...

And how about all those of the "A french fry short of a happy meal" variety?

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 09:08 PM

You mean like "He's a coupla rods short of a full fence" or "He tried to blow his own brains out but missed the target"?

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 09:14 PM

Said to my one-time boss after interviewing a less than stellar job applicant:

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't hire that boy to shovel dead rats out of a sewer.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 04:06 AM

Hey BeeDub - I think we got him in our office!

He's so stupid he has trouble working his eyelids.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: John O'L
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 05:53 AM

If brains were dynamite he wouldn't be able to blow his hat off.

(No, these are not new, but they haven't been used for a long time, at least not by me, and they do give me a chuckle. They might give a smile to others as well. It's hard to think up new stuff all the time. As Homer Simpson says "Can't someone else do it?")

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 09:04 AM

For a friend of mine who tends to speak before he thinks:

"Before you shoot your mouth off, make sure your brain is loaded."

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Bert
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 03:37 PM

I had a friend who wanted to use an old saying in a polite situation so he changed it to...

"Can't tell spit from shinola"

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 03:46 PM

The Democratic God smiles on diversity and frowns on conformity.
The Republican God smiles on conformity and will be obeyed.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 08:50 PM

Kinda guy who'd dig his well downhill from his outhouse.

Not only does he think his shit don't stink, he gets it bronzed as a monument to himself.

He's so full of himself his eyes are brown.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Mar 07 - 11:48 PM

You'd fall in a mud puddle in the Sahara desert.

You couldn't find an elephant in a closet.

(These I remember from the age of 6 when they were directed at me by the teachers at my school)

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 12:01 AM

In Brisbane buses, they used to have a sign,

I changed it to

Ensure brain is in gear before mouth is in motion.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: The Walrus
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 04:07 AM

I once got laughs from friends in a maths class (mumblemumble years ago), by describing someone as "So far up his own arse, he's a Klein bottle"*

W


* A Klein bottle is a vessel where the inside becomes the outside.

"A young matematician called Klein
Thought the Moebeus strip was devine
He said "If you glue
"The edges of two
"You end up with a bottle like mine".

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 09:26 PM

The brain is supposed to keep what goes in the ears from coming out the mouth.

If the Republicans had shown comparable candor, they would have chosen the pig.

Whatever actually gets done has won a baloney contest.

We cultivate contentment, but as to happiness we are still in the hunter-gatherer stage.

Rock and roll is yelling and banging for sale to children who are too lazy to throw their own tantrums.

Repulsive up close, less so at a distance. Attractive at a distance, less so up close.

Make sure in advance that if the forces of evil triumph, you will be on the losing side.

Through saints, we were vicariously virtuous. Through celebrities, we are vicariously vicious.

We are all twenty kinds of cripple.

The devil gave us the nitrogen triple bond to make life expensive and death cheap.

He brings a condom; she brings a handkerchief.

Whatever distracts can console; whatever consoles can addict.

Sincerity is so cheap, it's a wonder anyone bothers to be a hypocrite.

A little good luck, a little bad luck, and you lose your underwear.

WYSIWYG, but NWYW.

As a cure for stupidity, rudeness is no substitute for assault and battery.

If we'd known we were going to be born, we'd have been afraid of that too, and with better reason.

The progress of science has been as embarrassing for science fiction as it has been for religion.

Easy writing, hard reading.

A New Yorker puts up with cockroaches in order to consort with swine.

Investing is not the same as gambling, and downtown is not the same as uptown.

If you can't get the blues off your mind, get your mind off the blues.

Friendship is a black market in respect.

If you handle other people's money, you must pay yourself well to protect yourself from the temptation to steal.

Don't be childish. The children might hear you.

It is the fate of fools to amuse their enemies and bore their friends.

Everything you do costs money, dissipates heat, and makes crumbs.

Only a unique solution need have all the symmetries of the problem.

Most of the evil in the world comes from nature, and most of the ugliness comes from art.

When tempted to make a generalization about Communists, try it out on Christians, and vice versa.

Failure of imagination is a weak form of courage and a strong form of cowardice.

Deficient contact with reality is called mania. Excessive contact with reality is called depression.

If you think you've said something smart about the mind-body problem, try it out on the wave-water problem.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 10:43 PM

Great, JoeF!

The plural of anecdote is not data.

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: GUEST,John Gray in Oz
Date: 28 Mar 07 - 11:09 PM

If it was raining nymphomaniacs I'd get washed down the gutter with a lesbian.

JG/FME

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 08:20 AM

Because most festival goers have the same problem - know a lot of people and far fewer names. Have long meaningful conversations with worthwhile folkies who's name escapes - if it ever was in captivity.

"I have a terrible name for faces"

It is a 50/50 deal on the recognition thereof......

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: gnu
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 02:03 PM

John's reminds me of an oldie. Stop me if you've heard it. "He could fall into a barrel of tits and come out sucking his thumb."

Subject: RE: BS: Say, new sayings?
From: jimlad9
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 02:36 PM

He was nowt a pound when shit was tuppence