BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?

Subject: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:00 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Have you changed your religious views?
From: khandu - PM
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 10:00 PM

I am changing my views everyday. It is God working within me both to will and to do His good purpose. I am being molded into the image of Christ.

k

If khandu is truly being molded into the image of Christ, then we should soon be able to buy little plastic khandus to display on the dashboards of our cars. But how shall we attach them? Cars no longer have metal dashboards so magnetic bases won't work. For that matter, magnetic bases no longer work to attach Jesus, Mary, or hula dancers either.

The attachment method has to be stable and secure, yet temporary and, most importantly, it can't mess up the dashboard. A Velcro strip would work, but you'd have to attach the gripper half to the dash more or less permanently. Then you'd have an unsightly bit of Velcro stuff on your dash when your rottweiler mistakes khandu for a chew toy and eats him.

A suction-cup base might work, but most dashboards have a bit of texture so it might be hard to get it to stick very well. And has anyone ever owned anything with a suction-cup base that actually worked anyway?

We really need to address this issue before the plastic khandus start rolling off the assembly line, otherwise we'll have thousands of khandus and no way to properly attach them to our vehicles. Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Peace
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:08 AM

Start with this and using a half dozen of these and one of these , you'll have a car that looks like this in no time.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Peace
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:10 AM

OK. So use a smaller hammer.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Peace
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:22 AM

Alternatively, one might put the vehicle inside this magnet , mount the magnet with the car containing the figurine on one of these . The magnet will hold the metal-based figurine in mid-air, thus causing an ethereal effect. If you need an MRI anytime soon, you'll have one available. Be sure, however, to remove all metal from your person before you enter the car. And, also be sure to do up your seatbelt. This guy didn't.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:24 AM

My Gawd.....How ironic...or synchronistic......or just plain screwed up. To attach khandu to a dashboard I think you have to get him into the catatonic stupor as we achieved exactly 4 years ago on another Easter. The story still haunts me and I often wake up in a cold sweat after my dreams have been invaded by this horrendous episode. Here's the tale as I told it them and I shudder just to think of the sleep some of you may lose................................

Well it's over.......The first, and I hope last, Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala. I don't know why or how this stuff starts but anytime I use Cletus for anything, the one sure thing is that I'll end up with a long list of people wanting money from me. It started off so well............

The plan was simple. All we wanted to do was bring khandu back to his senses and knowing that a good cross burning might do the job, we started there. I mean hell, he's Mississippi boy and cross burning is a genetic trait. He had become a slave and a brown noser to, of all people, Joe Offer. Something had to be done. Somehow we got carried away. Tweed acquired through Bobertz, some Patty Poopchute and Harry Hardtool anatomically correct party dols and we thought we might possibly use them as well. It's my fault though.....Has anything ever gone right when Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys are involved?

Paw went down to the lumber yard and liberated some skids and the Reg boys ripped them apart. The plan was to make 143 crosses with the skid wood and duct tape. Buford got involved and said the first one didn't look right to him. Why in the hell anything would look right to Buford is beyond me as the boy is always tanked up on Iron City and when he's not burping, he's whizzing on Mrs. Clanahan's peonies. But Paw agreed with him and they headed off to find a cross for a model. They ended up going to the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers where the good folks were happy to oblige. Of course the Rollers misunderstood the reasons here and, this being Good Friday and all, thought the crosses were being made for a religious ceremony and Paw told them to come by at 8 PM, or a little before so as to get a good seat. I wish he had told me........

About 3 PM the crosses were finished and the Boys started taking things up to the little picnic grove on 664 adjoining Ol' Man Rafferty's place. For all his faults, Rafferty is a religious old coot and was excited to see the crosses being erected on Good Friday. I guess he thought Cletus had turned over a new leaf. Paw went over to talk with him even though Rafferty still held him responsible for the destruction of his mailbox and a Buick hubcap after the Great Magnetic Ass-Healing Ring debacle. Paw commented on the new mailbox and hubcap while once again Rafferty was washing the aging Buick deuce and a quarter. Rafferty said he and his very religious wife would certainly be sitting out on their porch and it would be even better than going to Church as they had planned. Once again, I wish someone had told me..................

Since the Reg boys aren't any too talkative they were given the job of blowing up the Harry Hardtool dolls and stuffing their "tools" with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). It was a big job but they got it done. Meanwhile Cletus and Paw had filled the Patty Poopchute dolls with propane. They all worked together to drive the crosses into the ground and attached the Patty Poopchute dolls to the top. Cletus said they wouldn't be soaking the crosses in kerosene until just before they lit them which seemed okay to me.

I had arrived to check in on all of this at about 5:30 and truthfully, I was impressed at what they had accomplished! Now I knew that these good feelings were generally the portend of bad things to come, but the mind is a funny thing and we often forget the past in an effort to hold out hope for a new beginning. This seems to be what happened to me as I felt genuinely good about trying to bring this thing off and that perhaps, for once, Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys may have gotten it right. Once again, I should have relied on past experience.............

The crosses were in the ground on a slight embankment with a propane filled Patty Poopchute mounted atop each one. Leaning against the embankment and in front of each were the Harry Hardtool dolls with their dorks pointing skyward and filled with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). This is a pretty conservative little place so I thought maybe the dolls would be better if they were covered or clothed and I ask the Boys to do so and they told me they'd do it....."No Problem Spaw." That should have clued me in but it didn't. My other suggestion was that because a light breeze had come up, it might be good to tie the Harry Hardtools to something so they didn't blow away. Again, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking..................

I should now take this chance to thank those who so valiantly helped in this and I want to extend my thanks to them for their part in trying to save Brother khandu. Carol, Tweed, Young Will, even Bobertz.......You all did your jobs and performed magnificently. I cannot thank you enough and to prove it, I have kept your part in this as well as your names out of the Sheriff's report. Additionally, you are free to disavow any knowledge of me or that you were ever even within a hundred miles of here. You have to admit though, it was one helluav' show!

On the chance that we might need the services of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, I asked for the Insanevac Chopper to be standing by. I spent the next few hours at home with Karen and the kids, eating supper and coloring Easter Eggs. When I heard the sound of the chopper I realized that several hours had passed and I was almost late for the show. I leashed up the two Weimaraners and headed for the park. Karen and the kids wanted to go but I suggested they stay home in case something went awry. This was the only good decision I made in the entire day. Besides, the "Royal Forkers" khandu had sent to surround my house had instead turned out to "mortar forkers" and had just completed the new barbeque out back and were busy working on a smokehouse. I told Karen it was better for her to keep an eye on them to be sure they were working according to plan. With Jaeger and Sissy happy to be going for a walk, I headed for the gala event.

When I arrived, a few things caught my eye right away, but it was too late to turn back. First, each Patty Poopchute doll had a purple robe like affair on them. I realized right away that the material had come from a hot air balloon that Cletus and Paw had accidentally shot down a few years ago (that's another story). Sitting atop the crosses in their purple robes, they were really quite attractive. Additionally, the Harry Hardtool dolls all were wrapped about waist with old towels in a loincloth sort of get-up. To keep the Harry dolls in place, they had tied each wrist to something or another which left their arms outstretched. Also, out front of everything was the biggest Dago Bomb I ever saw. It turns out Cletus and the Boys had bought it down in Tennessee on one of their trips south to a festival where they had contracted for the porta-potty business with their company, "Crappers on Casters." And....they had been good enough to park one of their C on C's about 50 feet to the left, over toward Rafferty's place. I stood for a moment and took it all in. Suddenly it hit me. In the purple robes and loincloths, with the outstretched arms and crosses, this looked like some Christian tableau from Hell! There they were, 143 Virgin Marys, atop 143 crosses, with 143 Jesus Christs below! My mind went numb as I began to realize that somehow this extravaganza was not going to go well at all.............

Before I could utter a word I saw Ol' Man Rafferty and his wife on their porch in prayer. About then the Church Bus bearing the members of the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers arrived in the grove. They literally ran off the bus dropping to their knees. I tell you they went down faster than a cheap whore on a Liberian tanker. I was rapidly becoming almost paralyzed. I couldn't speak although I wanted to scream. The main thing I wanted to scream was "NO" but the best that came from my throat was a tiny croak like a dying frog with laryngitis. Not over yet though................

Tweed drove a van in and he and Carol emerged from the front with a look of trepidation on their faces as they took in the scene before them. Wrongly figuring that I had this planned, they opened the back doors and Will and Bobertz hopped out. They all four then removed khandu. Okay, it wasn't their fault they had to subdue him...I know that. And frankly it was very creative the way they had wrapped him up in duct tape from head to foot with only his eyes looking out. Even from where I was I could see he was mad. But I still thought that this cross burning gone haywire might cure him of his shameless brown nosing of Joe Offer. But the way he was wrapped reminded the church folk of Jesus in the tomb I guess, with the duct tape as a sticky Shroud of Turin. In any case they turned and started praying in that direction also. Tweed, Carol, Will, and Bobertz, were busy propping khandu up so he could see when I noticed that the Reg boys were liberally soaking the crosses and the ground in between with kerosene. I had to stop this...............

Cletus and Paw were all smiles, quite proud of what they had done and when I came stammering up to them they were a bit confused. I tried to somehow make them see what I saw but it wasn't working because my mind was moving faster than my mouth and these guys were never too sharp on the best of days. Each of the Weims was licking one of Paw's hands when I finally got through a bit to Cletus. After listening to the whole thing he said, "Don't worry Catspaw, even I know that Jesus had blonde hair and that guy don't look nothin' like him." This made no sense and once again I was so dumbstruck I was speechless. Cletus capped that with, "Besides look how happy Jaeger and Sissy are!" After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a few seconds of pondering that inanity, I blurted, "You stupid shit!! They're fucking DOGS!!!!" This didn't bother ol' Clete in the least and he and Paw walked off happily to get the show started. I swear to you all, I would have done anything to stop it, but the whole thing had moved not only beyond my control but into another dimension as well. From this point on, it seemed as though I watched what happened as a sort of out of body experience; just a casual observer noting the events unfolding.

In a scene like none imagined by Machiavelli it all began. Paw bent over by the crosses and flared off a monster fart. The flame shot across to the nearest cross, much like what happened in their Christmas tree disaster, and within seconds, 143 crosses were burning brightly. Cletus ran to the front and lit the monster Dago Bomb. There was one more realization to go though. Turns out they had tied the wrists of the Harry/Jesus dolls to the ankles of the Patty/Virgin Mary dolls which explained the outstretched arms. This realization only came to me as the flames ignited Patty/Mary's poopchute where the plastic was thinnest and melted first. The propane ignited and up they went......each dragging a Harry/Jesus behind. Maybe halfway to the top of their trajectory the flames ignited the Roman candles and bottle rockets in the Harry/Jesus dicks.

I gotta' tell y'all........It was a sight to behold. 143 Virgin Marys launched off of flaming crosses with their assholes trailing flame while 143 Jesus Christs ascended behind them, twirling gaily with their cocks spouting red, white, and blue balls and rockets (with whistle and report) screaming off in all directions followed by a series of bangs. Simply amazing. The church members lost all control and began flopping around on the ground, talking in tongues, and generally having a pretty good time. Rafferty's wife on the other hand seemed to be having a possible heart attack. But it gets worse..........

Cletus was so shocked at the sudden ignition of the crosses that in trying to get away from the Dago Bomb he knocked it on it's side. A massive fireball shot out and smashed underneath the porta-potty. Obviously they hadn't cleaned it or something and the methane fumes had built up. The crapper shot skyward too and the methane must have been in prodigious quantities as the fiery outhouse travelled over a mile before crashing through the roof of the condom factory, setting it ablaze. Several explosions have come from that direction and a paramedic attending Mrs. Rafferty said that a vat of latex had blown and completely covered the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers which is located just across the street.

The missing outhouse now opened the range and the Dago Bomb fired off another even more monstrous ball of fire. This time the charge landed underneath Ol'Man Rafferty's Buick and it blew up right there in his driveway. About this time the cops showed up and an ambulance was called for Mrs. Rafferty. Tweed, Carol, Bobertz, and Will were shell shocked as I was, but what was really important to us was our friend Ken. Had we brought him back? We quickly ripped the duct tape off removing small portions of skin and hair in the process. The church folks were gathering up the tape remnants which I suppose they think are now Holy Relics. I dunno' what the hell they're going to think when they arrive back at their church....which should be about now.

Khandu lay on the gurney and the anger was gone from his eyes. As a matter of fact, everything was gone from his eyes! He was completely catatonic. We loaded him aboard the NYCFTTS Insanevac Chopper for a trip to the new wing where the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness is located. We can just hope I guess.......

As for me, I foresee a long night of police and fire reports, possible fines, lawyer fees, and threats of incarceration, racing around my brain. Sweet Jesus, I need some drugs..............

Just read it again and the cold sweat is upon me. But if we can get khandu that way again, just a little duct tape will stick him on the dash of any Edsel.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Peace
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:25 AM

Damn. Just saw that the 'one of these' links doesn't work. OK. It was a picture kinda like this.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 07:59 AM

I don't know what all this fuss is about - just use a lump of Blutak!

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 08:47 AM

Well Bee-dubya-ell. Starting a thread of this nature would seem just like another attack on a Christian or maybe Christianity as a whole!! I didn't see Khandu attacking you or trying to ridicule you or whatever you believe in so it can't be revenge....I just ask myself why you would want to behave in this way. Should I know why or perhaps you could tell me and enlighten me please.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 08:53 AM

Please tell me that post is tongue in cheek.......

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 09:07 AM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 09:36 AM

I have a little plastic gargoyle (no, not THE Gargoyle) stuck on my dashboard with double-sided industrial-strength sticky tape. I got the idea from my late friend Bob, who used to have a blue dragon shouldering a blue flintlock rifle on HIS dashboard. Anyway, this works fine, mostly. Except when someone tries to pick it up to look at it. Then I have to patch the hole in the dashboard and sometimes repair the wiring underneath. The last time I also had to replace the radio and two speakers. The tape is pretty strong.

So I suggest double-sided industrial-strength sticky tape. Only if you get any on your hands don't try to get it off without power tools and maybe the "Jaws of Life."

I don't care what the band do
'Long as I got my plastic Khandu
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car....

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 10:33 AM

One good thing about King khandu's current ambition to be molded into the image of Jesus is that he seems to have abandoned his quest to remake himself into the image of his hero, bluesman Ishman Bracey.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Amos
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 11:07 AM

Spaw's tale of intrigue and pyrotechnics is still as incendiary as the day it was Spawned. I am ROTFLMAO.


A

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 11:44 AM

double-stick velcro....won't harm the dash, and removable for temporary replacement with various saints, action figures and deities on special days.


You're welcome.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Ebbie
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 12:02 PM

I'd say to go a step further- forget about the dashboard. Make a fine, upstanding (pun intended) figure of the Great Khandu and mount him on the hood (bonnet). I can see him now: leaning forward into the wind, cape billowing and flowing behind. Inspiring.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:32 PM

Why not a life-sized statue of Khandu and mount it on the roof? or maybe (dare I suggest it?) something like this, only with you-know-who on it?

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Amos
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:36 PM

Khandus eyes, an' Khandu's nose
Go with me whereever I go
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car!

Other folks can get frenetic,
Khandu keeps me copacetic
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car.

A

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Peace
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:39 PM

Tremendous marketing potential in this. This thing could really take off. We're talkin' hundreds of dollars maybe. HUGE potential.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:39 PM

When I drive around at night
And the cops think that I'm tight
They won't find my bottle though they ask,

Good King Khandu shelters me
'Cause his head comes off you see
Good King Khandu is a handy flask.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:39 PM

that 2nd line gotta be "where'ere I go", but otherwise, it is elegant!

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: gnu
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:47 PM

Just remember George Carlin... shouldn't he be facing the traffic?

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:52 PM

You know, Spaw, you really should record a narration of that exquisite piece of writing. Then, when you get your semi-annual urge to post it, you can just post a link to a sound file and we can listen to it while we go about more important tasks like surfing the Web for erotic photos of goats and sheep.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Peace
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 01:11 AM

The spam post above (sample below is for when the above is deleted)

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will certainly make the Khandu dashboard attachment easier to mount.

-:)

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 08:39 AM

Well, I'm been wondering about just seeing that he got a good screw.

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Dave'sWife
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 04:15 PM

It seems they use adhesive these days:

Archie McPhee catalog Plastic Jesus

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 04:27 PM

Maybe I'll get my Buddhist wife one of these. Why should Christians get to have all the fun?

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Dave'sWife
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 04:34 PM

Oh and who coyuldn't use one of THESE:

Dashboard Parking Space Goddess

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: catspaw49
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 06:59 PM

Hey Bee-Dub.........I wouldn't get one of those if I were you. The NHTSB has issued a recall based on a high number of complaints from purchasers regarding serious fires which seem to be traced back to statue immolation. Don't sound too good to me.........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: How to attach khandu to dashboard?
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 10:12 PM

Hell, Spaw, they fixed that problem years ago. It was only the models made in Viet Nam, Laos and Cambodia that self-ignited. They make 'em all in China nowadays. In fact, the new Chinese MGs come equipped with one as standard equipment.