BS: Loss of first parent--bbc

Subject: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 04:36 AM

Hi, folks,

I know this is a common condition of humanity; perhaps that's why I write. I found out, yesterday morning, that my dad had died at 10 pm the previous evening. My day was spent between phone calls, email, & general dithering. I couldn't seem to focus or get anything done. The situation is a little unusual in that, I live a distance from my folks & there will not be a funeral at this time, so I will be adjusting to this change by myself. My dad had been in a nursing home for the past five years & had been physically declining in that time, although his mind remained strong. He didn't really suffer till his last couple of days, when he had difficulty breathing & couldn't eat or drink. He was a man of faith & knew that he was loved by family & friends. When he died, he was 86 years old & had been married to my mom for 61 years. He was a good son, a good husband, a good father, a good friend, a veteran of World War II. He grew up in the countryside in Missouri--the first child of deaf parents of modest means. He was valedictorian of both his high school & his college class. In fact, one who kept track noted that his college grade point average wasn't surpassed for 20 years! He worked hard & did well--the American dream. Many of the values & character traits I see in myself, I can trace back to my dad--organization, responsibility, love of nature, joy in the performance arts, altruism, patriotism, commitment to God, to family, to friends. He lived a full life & was an asset to our world. I'm thankful that he was my dad. I can celebrate his life, but, for myself, I mourn his loss.

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: fat B****rd
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 04:40 AM

Please accept my condolences and kind regards. Charlie.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 04:43 AM

Sounds like both you and the world are better for his having inhabited it.
Condolences on his passing, he sounds like he was a one off.

Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 04:58 AM

My condolences, bbc. I lost my own Dad in similar circumstances last September, except I was lucky to be with him the last couple of days (my sister had alerted me to the possibility and I flew to Greece from the UK). He was 88, also a WWII veteran and a teacher. It struck me that he was still teaching me things with the manner of his dying - serene, dignified, satisfied, even (dare I say it) happy! His smiling photograph is on my desk at home now, and I confess that I talk to him regularly; sometimes several times a day; asking for advice, but mainly thanking him for the lessons and examples that have stood me in good stead over the years.

Be proud of your Dad as I am of mine. Take the view that nobody can ever take away from you the times you had together - they exist for eternity and can't be wiped. Cherish those times, rather than mourn for lost opportunities. And cherish not so much his memory, but rather his continuing presence in your life.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: JennyO
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 05:06 AM

Holding you in my thoughts, bbc. It will probably take a while to totally sink in, especially in the circumstances. Just keep on reaching out and talking to us. The father-shaped hole is a big one.

I can't add much else - George has said it so well. Some thoughts headed your way too, George. I still sometimes talk to my dad - I got my sense of humour from him, and sometimes I think he was the only one who understood where I was coming from, and how important the humour was to cope with life's low spots.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 06:39 AM

You obviously have my sympathies Barb and I know you'll get through this because........well, because that's who you are. Reading what you wrote about your Dad it was obvious where much of "you" came from. You were indeed blessed to have him and to have him for a long time. So here's my best thoughts coming your way with a big, Spaw-type, virtual hug.

You'll never really get used to the loss but the pain will lessen. I'm sure you have wonderful memories to fill the void but of course it's never the same. I lost both of my parents before I was 22 and now over 35 years later I miss them and think of them everyday. I've had the chance to write some things about each for my sons and that always helps me....writing. Sometimes the writing falls apart as the memories pile in so fast. While I still cry at a few, I smile and laugh at most, and they all keep me warm.

I wish you the same.

Much Love,

Pat

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Jeanie
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 06:46 AM

Thinking of you, bbc, and your mother and the rest of your family, as you adjust to your father's passing. Know, from the messages posted here, that there are many of us who have gone or are going through this, too, and will have you in our thoughts.

These World War II dads were something special, weren't they ? (and I count my own, lovely, funny, kind, brave, wise dad in this, who died 6 years ago aged nearly 80). As George and Jenny have said, hardly a day goes by without a thought of my dad popping up somewhere, and bringing a smile to my face. From all you have said about your father, bbc, I am sure that as time goes by, it will be very much the same for you.

With love,
-jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 07:01 AM

Oh, my dear one, I am so sorry. I'm sending light and love and a big cyber-hug your way. You'll get a real one when I see you, hopefully at NEFFA.

You know that your father will always be with you, and he will always be a part of who you are. Love never dies!

Allison

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: jacqui.c
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 07:04 AM

Condolences Barbara, your Dad sounds like an amazing man. Thank you for sharing him with us.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Jeri
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 08:16 AM

Barbara, my condolences. I lost my dad when I was 17 and my mom when I was in my 30s. There was no funeral for my mom, but I suppose I went through a ritual of sorts when I packed up her house. I HAD to look at every photo, touch her possessions and remember. You're going to be a wreck for a while, no matter how strong you are. It's OK.

Love and hugs,
Jeri

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 08:57 AM

Thank you, friends; your words & your thoughts help. I didn't, initially, intend to start this thread, but I realized, in the middle of the night, that I was going to need help thinking & talking through this time. Mom expects to have a remembrance of Dad's life this summer, when it's convenient for folks to come. Unfortunately, my mourning doesn't seem willing to wait for a convenient time. I feel sort of dull & hollow & I'm crying easily. I don't regret that Dad is freed from the condition he was in, but I do feel his loss, even across the miles. For me, as a verbal person & a hugger, there would be great value in visitation & a funeral or memorial service, but my mom doesn't want that & I will honor her wishes. In a sense, my dad, as he had been, died when he needed to enter the nursing home 5 year ago. In the intervening years, he had slowly lost capability & Mom was able, through lack of choice, to make the painful transition from a post WWII housewife to a person who would be able to handle life on her own. In the past five years, she has lived alone in their townhouse, but spent most of each day at the nursing home with Dad. On the morning of Dad's last day, a wise nurse told Mom it was time to say goodbye & my mom took her advice. She told Dad that she loved him & that he'd been a good husband & father. She told him of the many happy memories she had of their 61 years together. She reassured him that she had learned enough during his time in the nursing home that she could take care of herself & that it was ok for him to go. He was on oxygen & couldn't talk, but she asked him to squeeze her hand if he understood. Right away, he squeezed her hand firmly. She told me these things when she & I talked on the phone that evening. That was when I realized my dad was close to death. As soon as I got off the phone, I prayed that, if my dad was in a state of grace, God would take him quickly & without further suffering. According to the nurse's report from the aides who were with him, 15 minutes later, he peacefully breathed his last. I believe that God honored my prayer & took my daddy home.

I'll probably write more later, if you don't mind.

love,

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 09:14 AM

I put a photo of my folks on my flickr page, in memory of my dad. I love that smile on his face. I saw it so many times, when he was at sporting events, concerts, performances. He was great audience. I feel that same smile on my face in similar situations. I think it is a gift we can give to performers--wholehearted joy in their art.

My folks

love,

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Hawker
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 09:50 AM

I mourn his loss with you, there is little I can say to help, but knowing we are here and thinking of you, hopefully makes it a little more bearable.
You have many happy memories to hold onto, those too should see you through this sad time.
Much Love, Lucy

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 10:29 AM

My deepest condolences, bbc. Your dad sounds as if he was a wonderful, wise and compassionate person, just like yourself.

I know what you mean about the distance thing. When my dad passed, two and a half years ago, we lived several hours away and I could not go to his funeral. I was left to share with our wonderful community, here, and grieve at home with my memories, thoughts, and sorrows. I still do, at times, for him and my mom. I am not sure one ever loses the grief, but remembering the lessons learned, the memories of times together, and sharing those with others can help. And, singing/making music helps when I remember either of them.

Please do keep sharing with us, as you need to and want to...there are a lot of us who are with you and have been there.

{{{{{{bbc}}}}}}

Much Love and Sympathy,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: alanabit
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 12:07 PM

I always wish there was something I could say to make things better at this sort of time. Both my parents are gone. I know there isn't. It sounds like you were lucky to know a fine man. The good things will stay with you.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 12:19 PM

Mourn your loss and stay strong for your mother, bbc. I am sorry.
Mary

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 12:39 PM

Barbara,

Thanks for sharing some of the experience with us. It sounds like, all things considered, your parents had a good goodbye, and his was a good death. You can see all of the evidence of the strength of family love at that moment, and it will continue to ripple through your consciousness for the rest of your life. (Like George described above, and I have elsewhere here at Mudcat, after my parents died).

Now I'll dry my eyes and get on with the rest of the day. Probably thinking about my own parents' deaths.

Maggie (SRS)

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Janie
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 02:54 PM

Barbara,

Knowing losing parents and loved ones is a common life experience doesn't make the loss any less. Holding you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Jean(eanjay)
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 03:00 PM

I'm sorry to hear this. Thoughts sent from Yorkshire.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Partridge
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 03:24 PM

Hi Barbara,

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. My Mum died 10 years ago this year and I did what you did, I asked that if she was ready to go, then I would not stop her. She was in a home and the last week of her life was painful, in a way I was glad she was free from it. But the grief was like a sickness - it almost bowled me over. I cant say that I know what you are going through as these things are very individual.

Be good to yourself and cry if you need to don't let anyone tell you how you have to be.

My Dad died over a year ago and the mudcat community hugged me better. You couldn't be with a more caring lot!

take care, thinking of you,

Pat xxx

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 04:14 PM

Hi, Barbara:

Ruth and I send our love, prayers and condolences as well. I lost my Dad first, and even though we had some major differences, it was very hard. Perhaps the greatest gift was that as the family gathered together and talked about my father and everything came tumbling out, I think that we all came to know him a little better. And appreciate him more. Like there are in me, there were things about my father that ended up hurting the people he loved. He was from a generation of men that wasn't comfortable expressing love, so you had to look for it in small actions. As we looked back on his life from each of our perspectives, we made no attempt to sanitize him. All the hurt came out, along with all the love. Somehow, I think that was alright with my Father. He would have been uncomfortable with a glowing testimony. He knew who he was, and where he had failed. Just as I do. Maybe that made him appreciate the love we had for him because it was real. We loved him for who he was, warts and all.
We all got warts.

I'm sorry that you won't have a chance to gather with family to share memories.

Funny thing, the day my Father was buried, my Mom asked me to buy her a stereo and some CDs. My father didn't like music playing in the house. (As a teenage rebel, what choice did I have except to become a musician?) I got my mother all set up, and bought her a few CDs, and when I came to her apartment the next day, she was listening to a pop music station. I got a big kick out of it. Mom digging Hip Hop. She said "I have to catch up on what's happening in music... I haven't been able to listen to it since the forties."
Rip Van Mom.

I think that my Dad was pleased.

Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: ragdall
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 06:29 PM

Barbara,
Your dad must have been a wonderful man. I'm very sorry for your loss.

It's sad that you won't be able to share at this time with family and other people who knew your dad. Please feel free to share some of your memories with us here. Maybe you could post other photos on your Flickr site?

Losing a person we've known and loved for our entire lifetime can be very hard. From time to time little things will remind us of the loved one and the sadness floods back in. Today would have been my mother's 100th birthday, so she has been in my thoughts very much lately. My tears well up, even though she passed away forty years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Peace
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 07:33 PM

Sincere condolences, Barbara. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 07:40 PM

bbc - my love and thoughts. Losing a parent is so difficult......much love......

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 15 Apr 07 - 09:12 PM

You are all so kind; your thoughts, wishes, phone calls, & prayers have been a blessing to me today. This morning, I felt pretty shaky. By tonight, I am starting to adjust. I'm taking 1 or 2 days off from work, with my principal's supportive approval. Duane is here for hugs. I am blessed. Thank you for your love!

Guest, if you are a member, would you send me a pm? I'd like to see how you are doing.

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Linda Goodman Zebooker
Date: 16 Apr 07 - 01:36 AM

My sincere condolences. My parents have both passed away and I it often seems to me, now, that I represent them to the world. My mother loved to dance and my father loved music, though he never sang or played an instrument. I'm doing all of these now and it's like I'm filling out the parts of their lives they wanted more of. It gives me a way to feel close to them in a way that wasn't there when they were still with me.

Linda

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 16 Apr 07 - 02:32 AM

Hi, Linda,

I know what you mean about representing your folks to the world. I see so many traits of both my mom & dad in me (naturally, only good ones!). In turn, I see traits from me & my former husband in both of our children. Somewhere between nature & nurture, there is continuity. I find comfort in that.

In recent years, I haven't seen my parents regularly, partly through their choice & partly through my schedule, finances, & choice. Even so, I have always been aware that my foundation for life came from them & I've been thankful. They provided me with a stable, loving childhood--2 parents together, a good education, travel & recreation. I always felt that I had everything I needed & most that I wanted. They modeled loving & responsible living for me. Everything I am to the world has its roots in them.

Some of you know that I have a divorce in my background. It came, unexpectedly, after 10 years of marriage, when I had 2 young children. There was protracted litigation over custody issues, lasting 8 years & costing, between us, over $100,000. That situation was alien to my folks' generation, but they were behind me 100%. Through those difficult years, they supported & encouraged me in such a way that I was able to transition from being a homemaker to being a single parent supporting my children. Because of their generous, non-judgemental help, our lifestyle barely changed. I'm so thankful that, by the time of Dad's death, he could see that I have earned a place of relative financial security & that he doesn't need to worry about me! It took me 4 jobs & 2 bouts of unemployment--one for 6 months & one for 2 years--to get to this place. I don't know how it would have been possible without my folks.

I learned of Dad's death through an email from my mom that I received at 6:45 am Friday morning, when I got up. Since she lives in an earlier time zone, I felt it was too early to call her, so I sat down & started writing her an email. I wanted to thank her for her faithful care of my dad during the past five years in the nursing home. I wanted to assure her that she has been a good wife & mother. Mostly, I found myself looking back & remembering my dad before these past five years. Memories flooded in from times we spent together in my growing up years, from his patient trips to bring me home from college on weekends when I was lonely, from family trips & simple errands together on weekends. I remember his faithfulness in visiting our relatives each summer in Missouri--the long drive we took each summer in a non-air-conditioned car. He grew up poor, but it didn't damage him; it made him strong. He knew the value of money, but he also knew when to spend it & how to give it away. I think I learned valuable lessons about parenting from my folks--the responsibility I have to love & support my kids; they showed me how. As I live my life right now, I feel like saying, "Dad, this is for you! I can pass it on!"

Well, I think I'll try to go back to bed. There is at least one more thing I want to write about later, though. Thanks for listening.

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 16 Apr 07 - 12:08 PM

My father was a reference librarian, whose undergraduate work was in English, so as I worked my way through my master's degree he would occasionally proof papers for me. I was able to dedicate the first paper I ever had published to him, which felt good, though I wish he'd seen the dedication, since he proof-read it. Mom was a psychiatric social worker, and knew a lot about a lot of other things. I think we grew up being highly-trained generalists. :)

There have been so many times in my life and the lives of my children when I wanted to share some new accomplishment with my parents. Most recently, my son is learning classical guitar, and is gradually making use of equipment that I have from my father the folksinger. My daughter has made her college minor Theater Arts, because she loves costume design. My mother taught me to sew because we couldn't afford to buy many new clothes when I was growing up, I taught my daughter to sew because I still couldn't afford much when I stayed home with them when they were little, and now she sews for the joy of it and because if she needs something she can't find in the store or thrift store, she makes it for herself (plus she makes lots of Anime costumes). My mother would adore this progression. A Texas Women's Convention is coming up later in the year, and a scholarship competition is open now. Entrants have to write an essay, and I've asked my daughter to apply for this, and to think about the stories she has heard about sewing in our family, and how she is taking it in new directions. My mother would be beside herself with joy at this development, and we understand that her voice speaks to Moonglow as she writes this essay.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Alice
Date: 16 Apr 07 - 12:25 PM

Hi, Barbara,
It was good to talk to you on the phone yesterday. You have been such a kind friend
to so many of us who may never be able to meet you in person. You are in my thoughts.
I'll call again later. Love, Alice

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: DougR
Date: 16 Apr 07 - 12:53 PM

So sorry, Barb. Losing a parent is a very difficult thing. You have great memories of your Dad, and those you will cherish.

Love,
Doug

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Big Mick
Date: 16 Apr 07 - 03:06 PM

It doesn't surprise me in the least that you let us know so eloquently what a wonderful person your Dad was. Your bio of him, and your feelings for him, tell me why you are such a sweetie, Beebs (Spaw and I can call her that..LOL).

Thanks for sharing him with us. You know that a Big Mick hug comes with this. Prayers on full for you and the family.

Love ya,

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 07 - 03:11 PM

bbc, hang in there. I know it was the saddest time in my life yet there are many moments to cherish even in grief and mourning.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 16 Apr 07 - 04:27 PM

Doug, Mick, & others--thank you for coming out for this thread. Your support & prayers are truly appreciated. I am feeling more stable today. I've spent a quiet day, watching the wildlife on the deck & communicating somewhat by phone & email. I have at least one more topic I'd like to write about, but I'm going to wait a little.

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: mouldy
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 04:05 AM

You know you have all my sympathy at this time.

Keep talking about him and let the tears roll, because they need to.
It's over 20years since I lost my dad (and 6 since my mum died), and when my dad died, although it was expected, I had two young children to care for who didn't at the time (aged 4 and 6) need to see their mother go to pieces. I am an only child, and so there was no support in that area. Ian was great, but he was of quite a stoic nature, and so I learned to throttle it back a little bit. We were in the process of moving house too. There were the usual weepy moments when memory was triggered, but it was only after my mum died that I realised I hadn't really mourned him properly, and I felt so guilty, as if I had done him a disservice. In fact, my dad would probably have been glad I didn't turn into a wreck, but that still hasn't taken away the feeling that I should have gone to the grave more, or thought about him more than I did.

Your father sounds to have been a wonderful man, who lived a fruitful and happy life, knowing he was loved so much. He seemed to have been at peace with himself and God, ready to shed a body which had become a burden to him, and go on to new life with the blessing of his family. It was what out vicar would have called a "good death", and one we could all hope to have.
We have a little service in our parish this evening, and I'll be praying for you.

Andrea

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 08:09 AM

Oh, Andrea, what a blessing to wake up to your message this morning! Your thoughts & prayers mean that much more, coming so soon after your own deep loss! Thank you. I have, traditionally, been one to initially fall apart, but to recover quickly. Even though I haven't seen Dad a lot in recent years, I've always known he loved & supported me & I've always loved & respected him. We had a special relationship. He will always be a large part of who I am & I am always aware that much of what I can give to the world comes through my heritage. Thank you for your prayers tonight. I truly feel supported.

So many loving folks have contacted me directly or the Lord, on my behalf. Even the flickr photo site has been a blessing. Just yesterday, Duane drew my attention to a new person he's been in contact with. Shortly after Duane mentioned him, this man, marc50, made a caring comment to the picture I had put up of my folks. At 1 am, when I couldn't sleep, I looked at 22 pages of his photos. His taste in photographic subjects is somewhat eclectic, but he has some truly lovely photos. And he had one that seemed made just for me last night--sunbeams breaking through the clouds, captioned with "for everything, there is a season...." I commented on several of Marc's photos last night & he sent me a caring email at 4:30 this morning. Surprisingly, he had happened onto my photos on his own, not through Duane's page! Other gifts were those of you who no longer frequent Mudcat on a daily basis, but, somehow, felt the urge to come at this time & found my thread. Even my school schedule has worked to give me time. I made elaborate plans to have a substitute teacher for Monday & today, only to have early dismissal yesterday & closing today for local flooding! Only one class, in the two days, was held without me! God is so good.

I have something else I'd like to share about my dad--something I'm very proud of--but I'll write about it later today.

best to all, with thanks,

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: jeffp
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 08:34 AM

Please accept my sincere condolences. Your dad sounds like a very good man.

Jeff

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Desdemona
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 08:55 AM

You have my very sincere sympathy; I think no matter how old you are when it happens, you're never really prepared for it. It's an admittedly hackneyed observation, but a true one, that losing a parent is one of those milestones in life that function as forcible reminders that one is no longer a child (in some strange way, almost more than becoming a parent).

My own dad just passed away, after a short and sudden illness, in February, and I'm also struggling with the difficulty and strangeness of coming to terms with the fact that I am no longer one of those lucky people with both parents living. A wise friend who has lost both her parents advised me to put away the idea of "getting back to normal," since they're never going to, and to think instead of "resetting" or redefining the parameters of what constitutes "normal" now.

In any case, please accept my best wishes for you and your family, and for your collective peace of mind at this very challenging time.

~D

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Peg
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 04:30 PM

So sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you can remember the good times and forgive the bad ones and honor him in the ways that feel right.

I lost my Dad in October, at age 69, and it was rather sudden. I was in the hospital room when he died. I am still very sad about it. It is really unpredictable, the moments I think of him, the way my thoughts turn to him from seemingly-unrelated things.

Dad and I had our tough times but in recent years I was seeing more of him and Mom and we seemed to have finally formed a truce. At least things were better than they had been between us. I cannot imagine losing a parent from whom one is completely estranged.

My brother and sister spread some of his ashes on Opening Day of fishing season, April 1st but I could not be there. I guess my dad was part of that tradition in that spot, every year the local anglers would remember any of their own who had passed that year. I am keeping his gardening spirit alive, and planting two apple trees in his honor. Sometimes these gestures help to make sense of such a primal, unavoidable event.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: GUEST,maire-aine
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 05:40 PM

Dear Barbara,

I am very sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was a wonderful man.

When my mother died (4 years ago), I found that writing in a journal was a good release. Whatever thoughts came and went, I wrote them down-- sad, angry, happy... That allowed me to avoid playing them over and over in my head. I could move on in the moment, but they're there to go back to.

Regards,
Maryanne

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 09:35 PM

Dear Guest,

Would you consider sending me an [e-mail]? I'd like to hear from you.

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 11:25 PM

My condolences to Desdemona and Peg on your losses, also. Good to see you both here.

bbc, thanks for sharing so much about your dad. I look forward to reading more.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 11:39 PM

bbc, so very sorry, especially that you didn't know when it happened; I minded that the most when my dad died.
I'll be thinking of you.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Bert
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 11:43 PM

Hi bbc,

I lost my first parent just after my seventh birthday, but my Dad made up for it by living until he was 92.

You can never get over it and you shouldn't try. You will love him forever, and because of you, all Mudcatter's will love him too.

What was his favorite song? Every time we sing it we will honor him, just as every time I song "Ace Down in a Hole" I honor Sparky.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Bert
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 11:57 PM

Sorry, I just got interrupted.

A few years ago we were at a Getaway and at the time we were going home, I met you as we were wakling over a small bridge across a stream. As we said our goodbyes a thought came into my mind. "There's Never a Good Time for Leaving"

When I got home I wrote this song... So now just for you.


There's Never a Good Time for leaving.

There's Never a Good Time for leaving,
There's no Good Time for goodbye.
There's Never a Good Time for leaving,
it always makes somebody cry
There's Never a Good Time for leaving,

There's Never a Good Time for going,
Darling say you won't go
There's Never a Good Time for going,
I'll love you for ever I know
There's Never a Good Time for going.

Darling don't leave me
Oh tell me you'll stay
stay here beside me for just one more day
There's Never a Good Time for leaving,

There's Never a Good Time for leaving,
There's no Good Time for goodbye.
There's Never a Good Time for leaving,
it always makes somebody cry
There's Never a Good Time for leaving,

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: mouldy
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 12:05 PM

We had our little service, and we were asked to mention anything or anybody that we wanted to pray for - so about 15 people prayed for you last night. At the end of the service, "Lord of the Dance" was sung, which had me dissolving...it was sung at Ian's funeral. Still, quite a few had been there on the day, so they knew what was going on!

When my dad first died, it was the humourous memories that came to the fore: like when I got married, and the vicar asked Ian and I to move up to the altar. I couldn't glide gracefully, as my dad had the edge of his foot on my very long veil! He had a tremendous sense of humour, and I'd like to think he was sending me these to cheer me up.

Someone gave me a verse, and it's lovely. I'll send it to you.

Andrea

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: saulgoldie
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 12:50 PM

My deepest condolences on your loss.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Desdemona
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 01:13 PM

Something mouldy said above about shedding a body that has become a burden is very resonant, and (to my mind) a really good way of looking at things. When my father died, my three sons were having a pretty bad time, since they have always been very close to both my parents, and this is the first major loss they've had to endure. They are of the same opinion as me in terms of public viewing of the body (I don't like it, and frankly neither would my father, but it seemed to help my mother, and after nearly 60 years of marriage, it's her call), and so we arranged to have the casket closed before they came in. Even so, I made sure to say--probably more than once!--that whether they wanted to see it or not, the fact of the matter is that after a person has passed away, their "body" is basically just an old set of clothes that they no longer need, that doesn't even fit anymore; in essence, he's "outgrown" it. I find this a very comforting and truthful-feeling notion, and I hope that you will, too.

Best,

~D

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 09:33 PM

Dear folks,

Thanks again for your caring comments. Andrea, thanks for remembering us in your prayer service. I went back to school today & thought I had made my first adjustment pretty well, since I hadn't cried in two days. Of course, I had just been alone w/ Duane during that time. I didn't realize that, as soon as people started looking sympathetic & asking questions, I'd be in tears again. People were very sweet & it wasn't really too bad; it just caught me off-guard. It was good to see my students again & to be back on schedule. I find myself thinking of Dad & remembering happy & funny moments, now that I don't have to think of him trapped in a body that was dragging him down. Truly, I believe he is in a better place!

more later,

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 03:34 AM

Well, here I am at 2:50 am, awake, in front of my computer. I knew that I wanted to share a little more about my dad. I had mentioned that Dad was intelligent & that he was the first child of deaf parents. Both of his parents were graduates of Missouri School for the Deaf & his mom was valedictorian of her class. My grandfather worked in a factory on a metal press, when he was able to get work. There was a lot of prejudice against deaf folks at that time; people thought they were stupid. Many times, my dad would overhear unkind things said about his parents, since people assumed he was deaf, also. Often, he needed to serve as his folks' connection with the outside world, since he could communicate more easily. He grew up fast & serious. When he was 17, grandpa's appendix burst & he almost died. My dad said he was 18, so he could get work on a WPA road project & support his family. When he graduated from high school, he enlisted in the Army Air Corps (forerunner of the Air Force)& was a radio operator with the bomber unit escort planes. When he returned home from WWII, he planned to go to school on the GI Bill. Otherwise, there would have been no money to go. (When he returned home, he also installed electricity in his parents' home. They lived at the end of a 1-mile long private lane & the power company didn't go there!) Dad was accepted at MIT, but chose to marry my mom & stay closer to home, attending Rolla School of Mines & Metallurgy, now part of the Missouri public university system. He graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, top of his class, a grade point average that was not surpassed for 20 years, according to a classmate who kept track! Dad started his career with Allis-Chalmers &, like many is his generation, was able to stay with one company for his whole career--the last generation to be able to do so. Even so, after Allis-Chalmers merged with the German Siemens Company to form Siemens-Allis, work became more difficult & less pleasant. Siemens didn't have the same loyalty to its employees that Allis-Chalmers had had & attempts were made to push the older employees out. My dad managed to hang on till he was 60 & was able to get a favorable retirement package. Dad wanted to retire early, since his dad had died of a heart attack at 65. My dad hoped to have some time to enjoy his retirement & he did! At 65, though, he had a triple blockage & needed heart bypass surgery. Thankfully, by that time, they had it! They thought the operation might give him 10 years of life; it lasted the remaining 21 years that he lived! From age 60-80, my dad enjoyed a full & satisfying life. My folks travelled, participated in elder hostels & did many interesting things. My dad wrote his memoirs, which is where I learned many things about his life before my birth. And, at the advice of one of my mom's close friends, Dad bought a 286 computer & taught himself to use it! Dad would have been a natural computer geek, if he had been of my generation. He enjoyed the computer immensely, using it mostly for word processing, financial spreadsheeting, photo work, &,after awhile, email. He was never open to exploring the Internet, though, because the computer already took a lot of his time! My first computer was his handed-down 286, when he upgraded. Shortly after I received it, I needed to be able to work with computers at my jobs. It was great to already have some background & to have a computer at home to work with! My sons used that computer &, today, they are both adept computer users & my older one has a degree in Computer Science & works in the computer field. Dad had a notebook computer at the nursing home where he spent the last five years of his life & I know it played a large part in keeping his brain active & preventing boredom. Just a few weeks ago, Dad dropped his laptop & it could not be repaired. Mom ordered a new one for him that he was never really able to start using. Now, at a time I have been considering buying my first laptop, to use with my photography interests when away from home, it looks as if I may be given Dad's laptop, a continuing legacy of support. If so, I will cherish it as a symbol of my dad's intelligence & openness to learning. He was a fine, fine man & I am honored to be his daughter.

Well, it's probably time to get back to bed. Thanks for listening.

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Ironmule
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 10:52 PM

I'm inclined to think that condolences are less called for than congratulations on the blessings of a long and good family history.

One would hope for the good things in this life to go on forever, but they don't. Time passes and this life passes.

As my Father, Mother, friends and relatives have passed on, I choose to think of them as having "gone ahead," to wherever we all shall go in time.

Your Father's and your family's time here was good. And that is a blessing. Wherever he has gone, so shall we all, in time.

Jeff Smith

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 06:13 AM

Yes, Jeff, the words you speak are true. Dad lived a good life & died a good death. His body had let him down to the point where the quality of life was no longer desirable. I'm so thankful that the end came pretty easily & quickly. I do believe that he has gone to a better place & that I will see him again. The adjusting is mostly for me, to realize that he is gone. This is the first anniversary of that passing, so to speak. He died last Friday at about 10 pm. This Friday, I will be at the New England Folk Festival, surrounded by good music & friends. Can I consider that as part of grieving or do I disrespect him by having fun so soon after his death?

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Hawker
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 06:25 AM

Thank you so much for sharing that with us bbc, What a touching tribute to your father.
Much Love, Lucy

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 06:26 AM

So much of what has been said is so true, so I won't try to repeat or add but just keep with this warm and caring group who are sitting with you. It's clear that most of us have had losses, and know that the process takes time. "Resetting" into the new way of life without the loved one is eased by loving companionship. So I'll just put the kettle on to boil and sit a spell with you some more.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Ironmule
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 01:35 AM

Quote "Can I consider that as part of grieving or do I disrespect him by having fun so soon after his death?" /Quote

Life goes on. It must,,,, and the best measure of a life is the good we children do in life, the good we create on into the future. We carry on what we learned from our folks. Your Dad's best legacy, is the way you live. Damn, but I wish I could talk to my Dad from time to time these days; but the moral and caring person I am is based on the teaching he gave me.

I am my father's son. He taught, by statement and living example, that if something is worth doing at all, it's worth the very best I can give it.      

I remember a comment I made to the crowd at my uncle's funeral. His signature to letters for most of his life was SOB, for Sweet Old Bill. I told the crowd how pleased I was to see smiles and hear stories being told of the jokes, anecdotes, and incidents that we'd shared with my Uncle Bill, that had brought smiles to our lives through all the past years. His choice to make people smile from day to day, was alive after his earthly passing. Even at his funeral, the smiles he sought in daily life were a present, ongoing proof of his worth. Uncle Bill was a good man, and there were a lot of smiles.

Your father wanted you to have a good life. There's certainly no time marked off on a calendar where your Dad wanted you to be miserable, before you could begin to have a good life again.

For me, the idea of grieving, is that I can't share the good times, right now, with those who've gone ahead. I can't ask advice, right now, from those who gave me good counsel in the years of my growing up. I got a promotion last month that has a 35% pay raise, due entirely to the work ethic I absorbed from Dad's example. I wish I could brag to him, about how well his teaching has guided my life. I wish I could make him proud, about his success as a father.

That I can't tell him he did well, I grieve for. That he's gone for the moment,,,,,,is like when I moved to the other side of the continent to go to college. Communication is slow at present, but it'll get better later I expect.

Jeff Smith

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 22 Apr 07 - 10:10 PM

Jeff, thank you again for your perspective. I think this thread has given various folks, other than me, the opportunity to think of their parents who've passed on & their feelings about that passing. I feel very much the way you do about family heritage. Even though my parents sometimes saw the differences that a generation bring, I've always felt that I believe in & practice many of their beliefs & that I, in my generation, am a positively contributing member of society as they are/were. I hear my father's teaching on a daily basis--silly things, sometimes--pour with confidence, may not can, "stick with me, kid; I'll get you there" & "just a couple more hours" (car trip comments!).

Jeff, on your dad's behalf, congratulations on your promotion; that's really great!!! I don't know if our loved ones are aware of what we're doing, but, if he is, I'm sure he's proud. I'm glad my dad knew, before he died, that my life is now relatively secure. There were many years, during & after my divorce, when I know he worried about me. Thankfully, I also had the chance to tell him, several times, how much I loved him, what a good upbringing he & Mom had given me, how much I appreciated his support & love. Yes, there is no longer the chance to communicate with him in this life, but I know that our relationship was clear & that no important words were left unsaide between us.

I just got back from the New England Folk Festival--a wonderful weekend of music & friends. I got a lot of hugs, saw many friends I only see about 3 times a year, & heard some really fine music. I also cried at some point during almost every sessions & a few conversations. And, mostly, it was good. I guess the Sacred Harp sing this morning was the most extreme. During 2 consecutive songs, I couldn't sing at all; I just sat there & let the music envelope me. Sacred Harp (shaped note) music is a strong thing &,even as I felt bad, it had a healing effect. That hour is probably as close as I'll get to a funeral for my dad, for now. It turned out that this weekend did help me in my grieving & I was glad I went.

best,

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: GUEST,blindlemonsteve
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 01:34 PM

Hi BBC i have been reading your messages, my condolences to you and your family, your dad sounds like a great fella. and sounds like his epitaph is a wonderful family who loved him very much. Today i heard for the first time a song which i think you might find some comfort in, its called "The Pilgrim", i have never heard it before, but it stopped me in my tracks. Its on "The Last Man Standing" album by Jerry Lee Lewis, if you want, email me, i will send you a copy.
[e-mail]

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 07:00 AM

Hi, folks,

Just touching bases with you--

I found out, 2 weeks ago, at this time, sitting alone at my computer, that my dad had died. I'm doing pretty well, as is my mom. I find that things will set off memories & bring me to tears, but that's ok. I tend to be tender-hearted, generally, & that is yet another trait that I got from my dad & that I cherish. When I think of him now, I am free to think before the years he was in the nursing home, struggling to retain his dignity & independence. He was a good man who lived a good life & I'm thankful for the years he had--many more than he expected--& for the years I had with him.

Thanks & love to you all for your support,

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Bert
Date: 29 Apr 07 - 01:27 AM

Of course it won't disrespect him. You'll sing one for him at every festival you attend.

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 05 May 07 - 02:13 AM

Hi, folks,

I just read through all these messages again. Thank you so much! I want to share this thread with my sons, who have their own grieving to do. It's now been 3 weeks since Dad's passing. I realized, in rereading that I had made an error. I received the email from my mom at 6:45 am on a *Saturday* morning, not Friday; I really wasn't thinking very clearly, those first few days!

Last Sunday was my first time back to church since I heard the news & I cried through every hymn. Things keep, periodically, surprising me that way. It seemed that every hymn had a verse about dying or heaven or had special significance to me. I've always been sensitive to music, so that may continue for sometime. I guess I'll just keep a good supply of tissues.

There's a part to this story that I haven't told, unless you go to my flickr page. On the Tuesday evening before I heard of Dad's death, a pine warbler who had migrated too early ended up on my deck with an injury that prevented him from flying. Pine warblers are the only warblers who eat seeds as well as bugs &, since it was too early in our season for many bugs to be out, he had come to my birdfeeders. Unfortunately, I suspect he flew into the glass slider door between my deck & sunroom & hurt his shoulder. When I went out to fill the feeders after work, he was just sitting on the deck. I sat down with him for about 30 minutes & verified that he wasn't going to fly. Since we have neighborhood cats outside, I brought him into my sunroom & set him up in a box to recuperate. He was my guest for 9 days, bridging that time of learning of Dad's death. That bird, who Duane likes to call Chirp, brought such delight to our lives! He had such a bright, curious personality & it was such fun to have his company & be able to watch him, close-up! The first few days, he stayed in the box. After that, he seemed inclined to be more active. First, he hopped. Then, he made short flights around the sunroom. Eventually, he seemed discontent to be indoors & we tried to release him. Unfortunately, though, when he was on the deck, he didn't fly & chose to come back inside. At that point, we realized we'd given him all the help we could (& we were leaving in 2 days for the weekend at NEFFA), so we located a wildlife rehabilitator & transferred him to her care. She kept him in a small cage for 2 weeks to allow his injury to heal. Then, 2 days ago, she transferred him to an aviary in her backyard & reported to us that he "flew perfectly!" Tomorrow morning at 10:30 am (Well, technically *this* morning, since it is currently 2 am!), we will be there when she releases him back to the wild. Now, almost a month from the time we first saw him, there *are* bugs available, so it times out well for him, as well as us!

For me, he was a gift from God--a pleasure & distraction during those early days after my dad's death. I have several photos of him on my flickr page that show just how cute he is. Duane & I really bonded with him; we will never forget the opportunity we've had to be so close to a wild creature.

One more thing--tomorrow, my only local cousins are coming to visit. They are very sweet people, but we have busy schedules & not much in common, so we don't tend to get together. Dad's passing reminded us, however, that we now have fewer relatives than we did before & that it might be nice to confirm our kinship! I'm looking forward to their visit, but it will probably involve crying, too. Thankfully, I'm fairly comfortable with crying.

Well, I guess that's about it, for now. I'll see if I can get back to bed. Thanks for listening!

love,

Barbara

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: Jeri
Date: 05 May 07 - 09:12 AM

Barb, I'd wondered about the bird and thought to ask in the other thread, but I figured you were more concerned with your dad's passing, so I waited. Little birds don't mean much in the grand scheme of things - not unless you're reminded of, "Not even a sparrow falls without God's notice."

Enjoy your cousins. I don't even know where my cousins are. (Closer to you than I, I suspect.) It's funny how much you can find in common with people you don't have much in common with, once you get talking. If they're too different, ship them off to Catspaw.

As to feeling guilty about having fun, I think you've answered that for yourself already. When people we love are dying, I think most want to know we'll be OK without them. I don't think they'd want us to remember them for the pain we felt at their passing, but for the joy we felt during our shared lives. Remember him when you sing, and when you you feel joy and love, and be glad you have people near you with whom can share these memories and emotions.

Love,
Jeri

Subject: RE: BS: Loss of first parent--bbc
From: bbc
Date: 05 May 07 - 11:47 AM

Thanks for your message & your thoughts, Jeri.

Good, good news! We are just back from the release of the pine warbler to the wild. It is a beautiful, sunny day in the 60's in New York. We took some photos in the aviary, because we thought our feathered friend might immediately fly away. Amazingly enough, he stayed close-by--feeding, taking a bath in the bird bath, flitting & hopping from branch to branch for about a half hour before he finally flew from our view. What a sweet-spirited bird & what a gift, from start to finish! He started foraging for bugs as soon as he was outside. He's wonderfully adaptable. I have a very contented feeling of closure now.

best,

Barbara