BS: My daughter's off to College....

Subject: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: Pseudolus
Date: 27 Aug 07 - 11:17 AM

Wow, what a tough weekend! I took my daughter to College and moved her in. She is going to Neumann College which is about 15-20 minutes from my house so I guess I shouldn't complain but it was still really hard to leave her there. I know as a parent I have to let go and I'm very focused on supporting her and telling her that I'm proud of her and that she can do it. But when I am by myself, at night, with nothing around but my own thoughts, I really miss her...and it's only been two days... It'll get better I know, but today, I've decided to wallow in my self-pity!

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: Amos
Date: 27 Aug 07 - 11:21 AM

Wallow away, mate....parturition is a bitch. It is also a long, extended process. But -- as you say -- it will get better and it is necessary to her self-discovery that she spend some time walking on her own feet.


A

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: wysiwyg
Date: 27 Aug 07 - 11:26 AM

This is also a great time to offer support to other parents whose kids are at the a**hole stage, to let them know there's not much time left to enjoy before their darlings leave the nest.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: jacqui.c
Date: 27 Aug 07 - 11:27 AM

The beginning of a new phase of life for both of you. Enjoy.

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Aug 07 - 11:28 AM

Wallow away...and then turn her room into a den and enjoy! It's tough when they grow up. And wait until she comes home with ideas of her own about how to run your house. Letting go is a bitch!

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: wysiwyg
Date: 27 Aug 07 - 11:32 AM

and then turn her room into a den and enjoy!

LOL, yes.

Keep in mind there's a continuum of visit-engths that will sort of take care of itself: at first you'll want her to stay for long visits-- all summer, and more-- and she may indulge you. Then a point will come when you both know that 2 weeks is TOO LONG. Then you'll visit back and forth a week or less at a time, maybe for several years. Then the longer visits will work again, if not too often.

Then you'll fit into HER home when you're too old to be alone. See?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 27 Aug 07 - 08:03 PM

Pseudolus, I'm joining the club on Thursday- and my baby will be a whole hour away! I'm not quite ready for a completely empty nest (especially at this, my toughest time of year) so my son is living at home for his senior year at the local college. But he knows that if he's still living here one year from now, the rent is due Sept. 1, 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 27 Aug 07 - 08:12 PM

You need to make it clear that she now makes her own choices, and you will not blame, but if it goes pearshaped you will emotionally support.

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Aug 07 - 12:28 AM

My daughter moved into a house with four friends this year, after living in a dungeon-like dorm last year. They have a year's lease and could conceivably stay there year round for several years. I do miss her, but at 18 she can be a pain in the backside with all of the things she doesn't do around the house. Imagine my glee that she has to cook and clean for herself for a while. That'll show her!

When she's not being an annoying or rudely self-centered teenager she can be a delightful companion. I hope this latest phase of "parents are so stupid and I'm so smart" wears off pretty quick. It gets old.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: Rowan
Date: 28 Aug 07 - 01:44 AM

SRS, you probably know the truth of this better than I but Mark Twain is reputed to have left home at 14, "amazed at how ignorant his father was" and not returning until he was 21, when he was "amazed at how much his father had learned."

And then there was the fridge magnet (mostly bought by parents) that suggested to adolescents that they leave home immediately so they could go and change the world while they still knew everything.

Cheers, Rowan (who still has a couple of years before daughter #1 develops adult plumage and can fly)

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Aug 07 - 09:53 AM

I've seen a glimmer of the adult she can and will be once she gets through this stage. She moved home this summer but now that they're in a house I don't expect her to move back again at all, though I do hope she's a frequent visitor. I'm now enjoying the prospect of the next three years of one-on-one time with my son. It is an interesting reversal--she had the first three and a half years of my full attention, before her brother was born. He has always had a sibling here, but now it is just the two of us. There are merits to both ends of this spectrum, and in both, as a parent I can make a big impact on their lives. She learned to read in those first 3 years, and in these last three he will learn to think independent of a sibling influencing his voice. They get along very well, but she tends to be a bit protective when he doesn't need it.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: artbrooks
Date: 28 Aug 07 - 10:26 AM

I took a job relocation shortly after my older daughter went off to college. The first time she visited us in our new location she said, "where's my room?" I responded, "in Madison, Wisconsin." You miss her now, and you always will, but you should move heaven and earth to make a permanent move home difficult.

I had neighbors once whose 25+, college-graduate, fully-employed daughter and son were living at home, and who (the "children") couldn't comprehend why their parents thought they should find their own places. I also had a friend whose son, at age 20 and following several warnings to either get a job or start college, came home one evening to find his belongings on the front porch and all the locks changed! Of course, that may be a bit excessive....

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Aug 07 - 02:43 PM

"You will ALWAYS have a home with me, but it won't necessarily be the home you remember, nor will I be as you remember, because I'm growing up more now, too, you know."

As soon as they left they could not believe that we could and did have a life! They assumed that our every thought was still about them, that we'd still secretly want to tell them what was best, etc.-- it took a long time before they realized that a lot of what they assumed was our essential character was actually the job we did (with intentionality and with great delight), as parents.... that we rather hoped we'd worked ourselves out of that job.

No-- they assumed that we were sitting by the phone waiting for their calls. Of course we loved hearing from them, but often they caught us in the middle of fun they could not imagine us having, or about to rush off to some fun commitment.

Now, my mom taught me that it's the kid's job to call up and check in when THEY want to, and that it's the parent's job to leave them alone and not crowd them with phone calls. Our kids' friends had a different experience with their folks, so for awhile our kids thought we didn't love them anymore because we waited for them to call and sent them prepaid phone cards, etc., so they could. But to this day my mom only calls me for practical details or hot news about another family member, or emergencies-- and she's tickled that I call her when I do call her, because I love talking to her and I never call out of obligation but just cuz I WANT to.

But I wish we'd talked about that with the kids when they moved out, because it would have saved some sore misunderstandings on both sides.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: My daughter's off to College....
From: Pseudolus
Date: 28 Aug 07 - 03:31 PM

Now that we are in the cell phone age, I have taken to texting my two daughters with the message "Good morning...I love you" I don't remember every morning because many mornings they are right there with me. The day I dropped her off Mandy asked, "you're still gonna send me texts aren't you?" Made my day! I am going down there tonight to install a new printer for her and to grab a bite to eat. It'll never be the same, but different doesn't have to be bad. My parents were a huge influence on my life until the day they died. I plan on being available for the same thing, if she chooses to take me up on it...

Frank