Lyr Req: Useless Useful Phrases (Noel Coward)

Subject: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 06:34 AM

A friend is looking for the lyrics to Noel Coward's "Useful Useless Phrases" from the musical Sail Away. He's web-savvy but hasn't been able to find them online. Any Mudcatter have them?

Ta in advance

RtS
(Back from trying out the echo at the BM Hadrian Exhibition)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: Willa
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 06:56 AM

See if this is any help

http://www.karoo.co.uk/search/search.aspx?q=noel+coward+useful+useless&meta=

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 10:09 AM

Thanks, but they were all links to recordings not lyrics.

RtS

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: pavane
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 12:02 PM

I think the copyright police have paid particular attention to show lyrics.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: pavane
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 12:05 PM

For the good reason that when you want to put on a show (in, for example, an amateur society such as the one I belong to) you have to buy the words (and music).

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 03:37 PM

I've got a book of his lyrics somewhere. If I find it, I may return with some info.
Quack!
Geoff the Duck.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: Leadfingers
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 06:43 PM

An old mate of mine , Who I Think is now over the pond in Atlanta HAD (He Claimed) every word Noel Coward had ever published in a loose leaf folder ! I'll look for his E Mail !

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: Leadfingers
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 06:48 PM

Louis Robinson Try That !

Subject: Lyr Add: USELESS USEFUL PHRASES (Noel Coward)
From: Mick Pearce (MCP)
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 08:09 PM

Sorry, I didn't check Mudcat until now.

Mick

---

USELESS USEFUL PHRASES
(Noel Coward)

When the tower of Babel fell
It caused a lot of unnecessary Hell.
Personal 'rapport'
Became a complicated bore
And a lot more difficult than it had been before,
When the tower of Babel fell.

The Chinks and the Japs
And the Finns and Lapps
Were reduced to a helpless stammer,
And the ancient Greeks
Took at least six weeks
To learn their Latin grammar.

The guttural wheeze
Of the Portuguese
Filled the brains of the Danes with horror,
And verbs, not lust,
Caused the final bust
In Sodom and Gomorrah.

If it hadn't been for that
Bloody building falling flat
I would not have had to learn Italiano
And keep muttering 'Si, si'
And 'Mi Chiamano Mimi'
Like an ageing Metropolitan soprano!

I should not have had to look
At that ghastly little book
Till my brain becomes as soft as mayonnaise is,
Messrs Hugo and Berlitz
Must have torn themselves to bits
Dreaming up so many useless useful phrases.

Refrain 1:
Pray tell me the time,
It is six,
It is seven,
It's half past eleven,
It's twenty to two,
I want thirteen stamps,
Does your child have convulsions?
Please bring me some rhubarb,
I need a shampoo,
How much is that hat?
I desire some red stockings,
My mother is married,
These boots are too small,
My Aunt has a cold,
Shall we go to the opera?
This meat is disgusting,
Is this the town hall?

Refrain 2:
My cousin is deaf,
Kindly bring me a hatchet,
Pray pass me the pepper,
What pretty cretonne,
What time is the train?
It is late,
It is early,
It's running on schedule,
It's here,
It has gone,
I've written six letters,
I've written no letters,
Pray fetch me a horse,
I have need of a groom,
This isn't my passport,
This isn't my hatbox,
Please show me the way
To Napoleon's tomb.

Refrain 3:
The weather is cooler,
The weather is hotter,
Pray fasten my corsets,
Please bring me my cloak,
I've lost my umbrella,
I'm in a great hurry,
I'm going,
I'm staying,
D'you mind if I smoke?
This mutton is tough.
There's a mouse in my bedroom,
This egg is delicious,
This soup is too thick,
Please bring me a trout,
What an excellent pudding,
Pray hand me my gloves,
I'm going to be sick!

Source: The Lyrics of Noel Coward

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: Joe Offer
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 08:19 PM

Nice going, Mick. Gee, your library must look like mine - I have that book, too.

A recording of this song is available for purchase or sample at emusic.com.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: Mick Pearce (MCP)
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 10:16 PM

I've even been known to sing a few of those songs in folk clubs too Joe. A witty and sophisticated man - how could you not love him. (And I still remember a magical performance of Private Lives with Maggie Smith (before she became a Dame and graduated to Harry Potter!) and (her then husband) Robert Stephens in London, in the early 70s I think).

I've also got an old copy of The Noel Coward Song Book - only a selection of the songs, but with piano accompaniment.

Mick

Subject: Lyr Add: THERE ARE BAD TIMES JUST AROUND THE CORNE
From: M.Ted
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 01:23 AM

Mr. Coward had witty words and clever rhymes for every imaginable occasion. Today, for instance, I have been heartily humming, "There are Bad Times Just around the Corner"--


THERE ARE BAD TIMES JUST AROUND THE CORNER
(Noel Coward)

VERSE 1: They're out of sorts in Sunderland
And terribly cross in Kent.
They're dull in Hull
And the Isle of Mull
Is seething with discontent.
They're nervous in Northumberland
And Devon is down the drain.
They're filled with wrath
On the firth of Forth
And sullen on Salisbury Plain.
In Dublin they're depressed, lads,
Maybe because they're Celts,
For Drake is going west, lads,
And so is everyone else.
Hurray, hurray, hurray!
Misery's here to stay.

REFRAIN 1: There are bad times just around the corner.
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky,
And it's no good whining
About a silver lining
For we know from experience that they won't roll by.
With a scowl and a frown
We'll keep our peckers down
And prepare for depression and doom and dread.
We're going to unpack our troubles from our old kit bag
And wait until we drop down dead.

VERSE 2: From Portland Bill to Scarborough,
They're querulous and subdued;
And Shropshire lads
Have behaved like cads
From Berwick-on-Tweed to Bude.
They're mad at Market Harborough
And livid at Leigh-on-Sea.
In Tunbridge Wells,
You can hear the yells
Of woebegone bourgeoisie.
We all get bitched about, lads,
Whoever our vote elects.
We know we're up the spout, lads,
And that's what England expects.
Hurray, hurray, hurray!
Trouble is on the way.

REFRAIN 2: There are bad times just around the corner.
The horizon's gloomy as can be.
There are blackbirds over
The grayish cliffs of Dover,
And the rats are preparing to leave the BBC.
We're an unhappy breed,
And very bored indeed
When reminded of something that Nelson said.
While the press and the politicians nag, nag, nag,
We'll wait until we drop down dead.

VERSE 3: From Colwyn Bay to Kettering,
They're sobbing themselves to sleep.
The shrieks and wails
In the Yorkshire dales
Have even depressed the sheep.
In rather vulgar lettering,
A very disgruntled group
Have posted bills
On the Cotswold Hills
To prove that we're in the soup.
While begging Kipling's pardon,
There's one thing we know for sure:
If England is a garden,
We ought to have more manure.
Hurray, hurray, hurray!
Suffering and dismay!

REFRAIN 3: There are bad times just around the corner,
And the outlook's absolutely vile.
There are home fires smoking
From Windermere to Woking,
And we're not going to tighten our belts and smile, smile, smile.
At the sound of a shot,
We'd just as soon as not
Take a hot water bottle and go to bed.
We're going to untense our muscles till they sag, sag, sag,
And wait until we drop down dead.

REFRAIN 4: There are bad times just around the corner.
We can all look forward to despair.
It's as clear as crystal
From Bridlington to Bristol
That we can't save democracy and we don't much care.
If the Reds and the Pinks
Believe that England stinks
And that world revolution is bound to spread,
We'd better all learn the lyrics of the old 'Red Flag'
And wait until we drop down dead.
A likely story:
'Land of Hope and Glory'.
Wait until we drop down dead.

THERE ARE BAD TIMES JUST AROUND THE CORNER
[American Lyric]

VERSE 1: They're nervous in Nigeria,
And terribly cross in Crete.
In Bucharest,
They are so depressed,
They're frightened to cross the street.
They're sullen in Siberia,
And timid in Turkestan.
They're sick with fright
In the Isle of Wight
And jittery in Japan.
The Irish groan and shout, lads,
Maybe because they're Celts.
They know they're up the spout, lads,
And so is everyone else.
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!
Trouble is on the way.

REFRAIN 1: There are bad times just around the corner.
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky.
And it's no use whining
About a silver lining
For we KNOW from experience that they won't roll by.
With a scowl and a frown,
We'll keep our sprits down,
And prepare for depression and doom and dread.
We're going to unpack our troubles from our old kit bag
And wait until we drop down dead.

REFRAIN 2: There are bad times just around the corner.
The horizon's gloomy as can be.
There are blackbirds over
They grayish cliffs of Dover,
And the vultures are hovering round the Christmas tree.
We're an unhappy breed,
And ready to stampede
When we're asked to remember what Lincoln said.
We're going to untense our muscles till they sag, sag, sag,
And wait until we drop down dead.

VERSE 2: They're morbid in Mongolia,
And querulous in Quebec.
There's not a man
In Baluchistan
Who isn't a nervous wreck.
In Maine the melancholia
Is deeper than tongue can tell.
In Monaco,
All the croupiers know
They haven't a hope in Hell.
In far away Australia,
Each wallaby's well aware
The world's a total failure
Without any time to spare.
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!
Suffering and dismay!

REFRAIN 3: There are bad times just around the corner.
We can all look forward to despair.
It's as clear as crystal
From Brooklyn Bridge to Bristol
That we CAN'T save democracy
And we don't much care.
At the sound of a shot
We'd just as soon as not
Take a hot-water bath and retire to bed,
And while the press and the politicians nag, nag, nag,
We'll wait until we drop down dead.

REFRAIN 4: There are bad times just around the corner,
And the outlook's absolutely vile.
You can take this from us
That when they atom-bomb us,
We are NOT going to tighten our belts and smile, smile, smile.
We are in such a mess
It couldn't matter less
If a world revolution is just ahead.
We'd better all learn the lyrics of the old 'Red Flag'
And wait until we drop down dead.
A likely story:
'Land of Hope and Glory'.
Wait until we drop down dead.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Noel Coward 'Useless...Phrases'
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 04:45 AM

As usual you guys came up trumps, many thanks. It came out of our discussion on "Dendros" of how phrase boks never have what you need!
...and thanks, Ted, i think we're going to need that one now.
RtS