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Song Challenge! Celibate polar bears

Genie 26 Nov 08 - 09:05 PM
Genie 26 Nov 08 - 09:15 PM
Genie 28 Nov 08 - 12:28 AM
Nigel Parsons 10 Feb 09 - 11:58 AM
Georgiansilver 10 Feb 09 - 12:12 PM
GUEST,TJ in San Diego 10 Feb 09 - 04:22 PM
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Subject: Song Challenge! Celibate polar bears
From: Genie
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 09:05 PM

This story was first posted as a BS thread, but I think it would make for a danged good Song Challenge!

It's already spawned a few groan-worthy puns and silly jokes, so why not some folk songs too?

Have at it!

Genie


(Oh, in case the link to the story stops working, the basic story is that a zoo in Japan sought and obtained a "mate" for their female polar bear, only to discover, after hoping in vain for 3 years for cubs, that both their bears are female.)


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Subject: RE: Song Challenge! Celibate polar bears
From: Genie
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 09:15 PM

I'll start.

(OK, I already did, sort of, in the BS thread. But here's the rest.)


THE POLAR BEARS ARE CHERRY

(Tune: The Holly Bears A Berry - in the DT)
Parody by Genie)

I'm a polar bear so merry and white as the milk,
But the one they sent to please me was of my own ilk.

chorus:
I'm very bored - Jesus! - unsavored still to be,
For the mate they sent has no wood, for "he" is a "she,"
Golly! Aw, gee!
In my cage I've not yet seen wood, for "he" is a "she,"

I'm a polar bear so very keen for a toss,
But I'll ne'er be a mama bear when my mate is a lass!

cho:
I'm very bored - Jesus! - unsavored still to be,
For the mate they sent has no wood, for "he" is a "she,"
Golly! Aw, gee!
In my cage I've not yet seen wood, for "he" is a "she,"

Now us polar bears are hairy and horny ol' souls,
But we can't add to our species when neither has a pole.

cho:
I'm very bored - Jesus! - unsavored still to be,
For the mate they sent has no wood, for "he" is a "she,"
Golly! Aw, gee!
In my cage I've not yet seen wood, for "he" is a "she,"

"Both the polar bears are cherry, both white and unwed,
Very bored and needlessly paired up in bed."

cho:
I'm very bored - Jesus! - unsavored still to be,
For the mate they sent has no wood, for "he" is a "she,"
Golly! Aw, gee!
In my cage I've not yet seen wood, for "he" is a "she,"


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Subject: RE: Song Challenge! Celibate polar bears
From: Genie
Date: 28 Nov 08 - 12:28 AM

Ah, thanks, Liz (the Squeak) for this little gem!
We Two Bears

(Posted in the BS thread, but it fits right in here!)


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Subject: RE: Song Challenge! Celibate polar bears
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 11:58 AM

We two bears in Tokyo zoo
In captivity, feeling so blue
Tired of swimmin', as we're both women
We can't even have a screw!


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Subject: RE: Song Challenge! Celibate polar bears
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 12:12 PM

To the tiune of The Lincolnshire Poacher:-

They put me in a cage one day with a female of my kind,
To live with another polar bear, I really didn't mind.
But the peoples expectations they had us all in whirls,
They wanted us to reproduce although we were both girls.


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Subject: RE: Song Challenge! Celibate polar bears
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 10 Feb 09 - 04:22 PM

Here you are, with a little hint from Robert Service (No, he didn't write it, I did).

To those who believe that the clergy,
Is limited strictly to man,
I must make you aware of a little known fact,
That made me re-examine God's plan.

I was visiting friends in the Klondike,
Swapping tales by the light of the fire,
When out of the shadows surrounding,
Came a gentleman known as McGuire.

He sat for a moment in silence,
Surveying the membership there,
Then he smiled to himself and he chuckled,
"I've got revelations to share!"

"I was up in the north," he continued,
"Hunting bear with my partner last year,
When over the snows in the distance,
Came a sight that transformed us in fear!"

"He was huge, he was white, he was angry,
And as tall, when he stood, as a tree;
And he suddenly stopped and surveyed us,
My terrified partner and me."

"The glare from his eyes had transfixed us,
And we stood as if glued to the spot,
Awaiting the very next move of our guest,
As he stood contemplating our lot."

"When we noticed something peculiar,
Affixed round the fur on his neck;
A standard white clerical collar it was,
Sporting one insignificant blood speck."

"And suddenly bruin did bellow,
And belly laughed there as he stood,
And pointed his paw our direction he did,
Out there on the edge of the wood."

"He said to us two, 'I'm no heathen,'
But a celibate bear, through and through.
I've brought the 'Good News' to the entire bear clan,
And now, I'll be baptizing you!"

"Well, I quickly brandished my rifle,"
Said McGuire as he finished the tale.
"And I fired a round his direction, I did,
And we fled like two scared killer whales."

"We looked back, and the bear was crestfallen,
His new flock had just taken to flight,
And he turned, and his shoulders did slump in defeat,
As the later afternoon became night.

"I've often considered the encounter,
And the fortunate outcome we had,
And I'm quite satisfied that we both would have died,
For I'm sure that the bear was quite mad."

"When you see a white bear in the northland,
And he charges, with blood in his eye,
It may be that the thing that makes him so mean,
Is his abstinence," so says McGuire.


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