BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 07:09 PM

I think the mechanic was checking the in the trunk..................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Jeri
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 07:04 PM

Dan, congratulations to your ass. I'd imagine there would be a lot of worry with Chron's, so it's good to have your mechanic take a look under the hood, so to speak. I thought I'd end up having polyps out the... a lot of polyps. One "insignificant" polyp and nothing else wrong. I didn't even fart much after. I hope things heal well. I'm glad it's all behind you, but I was sure everything would come out right in the end.

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 03:53 PM

LOL, Great one Amos ... thank Charlie ...
thanks folks .. you did make me laugh so hard when I needed it .. Hey Spaw I wish I took up that field, then I could do it myself and not have to pay all the docs .. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: fat B****rd
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 03:42 PM

Heh heh! All the suggestions were tongue in cheek, geddit?
Well, I'm tired.

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Amos
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 03:15 PM

For next time, I can make a suggestion about how to arrange that harmonica, Dan'l!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: fat B****rd
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 02:53 PM

Glad to hear it, Dan. I wish now I'd picked up on the 'amusing' items all your 'friends' posted !!
PS I was gonna do the one about a W on each cheek !! foiled again.
Be lucky and atb from Charlie in Scotland.

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: gnu
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 01:55 PM

Good news, Dan.

Kendall... it ain't the size of the finger....

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: kendall
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 01:42 PM

Last time my Doctor checked my prostate I asked him "Does this mean we are going steady"? Lucky he has a sense of humor...and small fingers.

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: GUEST,999
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 01:29 PM

Good news, Dan.

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: maeve
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 12:36 PM

Good news, Dan. Thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 12:14 PM

LOL, I am fine, I am glad that darn thing is over with. Though I was going to die .. hurt like crazy .. everything looks good. The illness is active but my doc buddie said .. "I saw ya a lot worse bro" so that is a good thing. No cancer, nothing out of the normal for chrons. Just shredded up a bit. Gotta watch what i eat and he upped the meds .. so I am fine .. Thanks so much for your concern my friends

I had a note on my butt thanks to Clairbear's suggestion .. "abandon all hope ye who enter here"   I thought my doc buddie was going to fall over laughing. ... priceless ... LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 12:09 PM

Just kinda' waiting here for some news............But while we wait........................This came up awhile back and I got to talking to Dan about it the other night on the phone.   

Do you ever wonder how someone becomes a proctologist?   I mean there you are........young and bright and ready to go through all it takes to be a Doctor. The career path is filled with promise and most envision becoming a brilliant surgeon or a cardiologist or perhaps enter one of the many callings of oncology. With all that medicine offers, who the hell has an epiphany one day and proclaims, "I want to be an asshole doctor!"

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: maeve
Date: 01 Mar 11 - 11:29 AM

Checking in, Dan.

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 25 Feb 11 - 08:08 PM

LOL gosh I need this laugh .. thanks folks ... priceless

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: gnu
Date: 25 Feb 11 - 07:50 PM

I ain't pickin up anything else.

SPAW!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 25 Feb 11 - 07:27 PM

You are the only one that picked that up GNU
LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: gnu
Date: 25 Feb 11 - 03:42 PM

m... "Run like the wind!" Hahahahahaaa. Yer near as good as Dan at the straight lines.

Dan... "I left the door open..." Good lord you are good!

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 25 Feb 11 - 03:33 PM

I was waiting GNU ... LOL .. I left the door open I did LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: maeve
Date: 25 Feb 11 - 02:53 PM

We all agreed to save that one for you, gnu.

Run like the wind!

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: gnu
Date: 25 Feb 11 - 02:41 PM

"hopefully this time will be like the others and I just go home wishing I was dead for a bit ... it passes ..."

And NOOObody picked that up and ran with it?

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 25 Feb 11 - 12:15 AM

clairebear
broke a gut laughin great!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: ClaireBear
Date: 25 Feb 11 - 12:11 AM

I suggest a series of teensy weensy bumper stickers. Here are some to choose from:

"Get thee behind me, Satan"

"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"

"Leave only gloveprints, take only memories"

"My other ass is a donkey"

"Kick me"

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 11:47 PM

Ebbie
LOL ... good one

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 10:55 PM

I'm assuming that you have assistance in applying all this stuff??

My suggestion is to put a cork on a cord and tape it to your backside, perhaps with a note that says something like: Please close on exit. Thank you!

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 09:42 PM

LOL good one Maeve and Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: maeve
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 09:02 PM

"The end justifies the means"?

Take good care, Dan.

Maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 08:33 PM

How about some very tiny script that says: "If you can read this, yer too F'n close."

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 07:57 PM

Maybe just an eye ...with eyebrow and all, and a label saying "Cyclops"

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 07:49 PM

Yea they got a 50 inch screen now at our hospital, I will watch it ... My doc will wack me out a bit but I am always still awake. Russ my doc is one of my best friends. He is one of the best surgeons in the entire state. I am in good hands for sure.

How about one of the early flags that say "don't tread on me" right above the butt LOL-

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 07:40 PM

My HMO now has a screen so that one can watch the 'procedure' with the technician...live & in color.

Amazing.... I'm not sure whether I need to see that again.

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 07:29 PM

The docs always want to take a look, when the disease is inactive, then when the disease is active like it is now to see what damage is going on. The active part hurt beyond description as the insides are like hamburg right now ... it really does suck bad .. I hate it ... I will be just fine, but boy I am not looking forward at all. A few time I had to say in the hospital for a few so I would not bleed out ... hopefully this time will be like the others and I just go home wishing I was dead for a bit ... it passes ...

sucks though. At least I can come up with some good ones to get my doc buddie

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 07:22 PM

LOL, if I had some way of rigging a harmonica to my backside during the recovery room process, I could come up with some interesting music ...

hey Wes, that is a good one ...

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 07:15 PM

"caution: gerbil crossing"?

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Jeri
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 07:15 PM

I won't post the "after" because it isn't as funny as I thought it was when I wrote it.

The prep was the worst part of the experience, but that first 100% gaseous fart after made me want to shout for sheer joy.

HumOr is necessary to keep one from freaking out or sobbing, because it's just not rational to make "things" go so wrong!

Too bad you couldn't find one of those little things that play music in greeting cards, and tuck it somewhere. It could play something appropriate. The Doors singing "This is the end, my beautiful friend" or Sinatra "And now, the end is near...", something else?

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Wesley S
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 07:01 PM

"Do not open until Christmas"

"Objects may be larger than they appear"

How about a big "W" written on each cheek so that when you bend over it spells "WOW". ?

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Micca
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 06:55 PM

Olddude, how about a Magic marker set of Limit marks, one on each buttock and a sign saying " This entrance must NOT be opened beyond the Limiting Marks"

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 06:44 PM

That about sums it up Jeri ... for sure .. thank you ...

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Jeri
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 06:36 PM

I wrote this the night before I went in. I've got an "after" one too.

---

I can't eat until maybe this time tomorrow, or when the drugs mostly wear off and I'm able to chew and swallow competently. For now, "clear" is the only thing on the menu. I can have Jello, but you don't really have to chew Jello much. I have some vodka, which is clear, so I could do Jello shots. Today began with the results of last night's Milk of Magnesia. I probably won't try the Jello shots because I might forget where I left the bathroom. Not good. I have some chicken broth, or I could buy a chicken breast and hammer the daylights out of it until it was clear, but I somehow think that would be cheating.

Later on tonight, I'll take some pills and drink a half gallon of some liquid that was discovered in a pond just outside Chernobyl inhabited by long-haired carp. My younger days of $.25 beer nights prepared me for the chugging part of the procedure. After that, I will use enough toilet tissue to paper the inside of the Taj Mahal (not the musician). I now wish I'd contacted a medical supply company for a replacement asshole or two, but it's too late. The "evacuation" part... my younger days didn't include that. Tomorrow morning, I drink the other half gallon. And use more toilet paper. They told me I could have popsicles, but I'm not sure the idea was to EAT them.

When things stop flowing, I'll get in my car and drive to the hospital, where they'll do a 20 minute exploratory mission with a pipe snake that contains a flashlight, some nail clippers and a soldering iron. I will not make humiliating jokes poking fun at the doctor who has to do this, because I fear the word "oops" and I remember John Hurt in "Alien". Well, I'll TRY not to make jokes, but I'll be on a lot of drugs, so I think I'll just offer a blanket apology before the procedure begins.

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 06:30 PM

LOL, how about "In God I trust, everyone else USE GLOVES"

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: gnu
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 06:14 PM

NOT in permanent marker... "Be gentle".

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 06:10 PM

The question being, "Where do you go when you have no place to hide?"

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 05:59 PM

That is the question a Dachshunds asks himself when caught dragging the roast chicken across the kitchen floor after having wrestled it off the opened and extended oven roasting pan while you were out of the room for exactly 12 and a half seconds answering the phone or the doorbell....

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 05:56 PM

You should say that Dan, but I went into hospital recently and the nurse in the the theatre greeted me and she lives in the same road as me. I am stark bollock naked and having a fixed cystocopy and am totally humiliated. I have avoided her since. So embarrasing. So I know where you are coming from. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 05:50 PM

I told this story before but I swear it is absolutely true. So after they scope ya, you are full of air cause they pump air into you so they can get a good look. While in recovery you toot like a Blues guy blowing on a cheap harp. So I am laying there, butt naked, tooting like a accordion and this young nurse comes in. She says "hi Dan you don't know me but my husband and I just bought the house next door to your office". At that very moment, you guessed it .. a loud tuba noise was heard throughout the recovery room ...

where do you go when you have no place to hide .. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Jeri
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 05:41 PM

Ask if he has a "Plan B" for getting out. (Chilean miners.)

Dan, they suck when you DON'T have Chron's. I can't imagine...

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 05:36 PM

How about, "Don't laugh. My Dachshund has seen worse looking asses than this one."

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 05:36 PM

My doc buddie has a great sense of humor. Last time he was roto routing me out and I hear "Oh my God, Oh my God" to which I responded what what what !!! Tell me I can take it!! ... he says there it is a Morgan Silver Dollar .. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 05:32 PM

OH my gosh ... I am laughing so hard .... Thank you ....
I really do hate these things ... I know it has to be done but they really really suck when you have chrons disease ... i get pretty sick afterwords cause I bleed internally so much ... laughing is a great thing I think .. thank you

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 05:29 PM

I thought that was Humour Jeri :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Some suggestions for Olddude :-)
From: Jeri
Date: 24 Feb 11 - 05:28 PM

I'm pretty sure he was looking for humor.