BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 05:19 PM

It's no struggle at all. You just hit the keys and blather on. Anyone can do it.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 05:13 PM

As the shades of night fell the Brothers Alpha and Omega continued their struggle to write bad fiction . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 05:00 PM

Despair and optimism circled the punch bowl of Jake's fevered mind like two Tiger Sharks closing in remorsely on a bikini-clad starlet with a 42-inch bust and an I.Q. to match it....any minute the shit would hit the fan...and Jake would have another truly inCREDible idea! And after that? Hard to say...

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:57 PM

So...are you telling me that you're angry at me, and you'd rather stay angry than let just go of your anger? I'm not angry at you.

No... I am telling you that there is strong evidence that you were angry and that what you are saying now is fluff. I am telling you that what I do from now on will depend on what you do.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:53 PM

Jake, being a responsible writer even of his own internal monologues looked up the Alpha to the Omega of Woody Allen on IMDB the alpha being easy enough, almost certainly "What's new Pussy Cat." The Omega, being "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" because it has the funniest title among his recent films.

Jake had a feeling of unease. He wanted to do something: solve a crime, kiss a gal, cure a disease, even get a disease, even talk about getting a disease. He feared this would never happen. He despaired. But Jake was optimistic. He'd learned a lot in the past few days. For Jake, there was always hope for a new adventure.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:50 PM

So...are you telling me that you're angry at me, and you'd rather stay angry than let just go of your anger? I'm not angry at you.

I have extended an olive branch to you and taken back what I said. What else would I have to do?

And you're also then telling me that you're "not talking all of this all that seriously" after all that? That's a little hard to sort out...it doesn't seem to match the tone of the first half of your post.

Well, anyway, I don't have a magic solution...so I shall take your advice and simply contribute to this story henceforth, and trouble you no further. My promise. It's all Jake Tillington from here on in. My contributions will probably be occasional, as I'm a bit busy here, but I'll be sure they are about Jake, not Jack.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:39 PM

Banter back and forth?

You called me insane 3 times. Insulted my writing 3 times. then called me a shit, and tried to kick me out of the thread before I reacted in kind.

Banter?

Its all there in the thread, except for you, I don't see anyone in their right mind calling that banter.

Somewhere you decided it was more fun to badger me then to write your own "bad fiction." That is what you have been doing. I have been trying to write "bad fiction."

And no I don't think you think I am deranged. I don't even think that you believe that I am a bad writer. I think you said those things to punish me and to make me go away. I didn't think that the first time. I thought you were simply "bantering." But when you persisted, the second time, the third time and then creating the character of "Jack the Shit" and bullying that character like you were the biggest 4 year old in the feces covered litter box, I became convinced that it was not banter. What I wonder is why didn't you just ask? politely? Preferably in a PM. But you never once asked me to stop even on this thread. Even as you called me deranged. Even as you tried to bully me.

I am not talking all of this all that seriously. You are poking me. I am poking you back. There may have been a question in the past. But there certainly is no doubt on this thread. On this thread, you certainly struck first. Apparently because you think that I would rather annoy you rather than write things that I enjoy.

This thread has taught me that when you use the winky face. It is just to get an insult by the moderators. In further interactions with me, it might save confusion if you keep that in mind.

Now why don't you quit talking about me and go back to your story?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:34 PM

One of Jake's fondest memories was the time he attended the Compleat Festival of Woody Allen films at the Paradise Theatre in Manhattan....an entire month of nothing BUT Woody Allen films, in chronogical order, from the very first to the very last, from the Alpha to the Omega...capped by a personal appearance by Woody Allen on the final night, at which the Master had played the clarinet and talked for over 3 hours about sex, New York, existential despair, psychoanalysis, angst, women, God, atheism, death, and jazz.

It had been a Kafka-esque experience. His significant other, Angela, had unaccountably bailed out on their relationship halfway through that marathon, citing "unusual cruelty" as her reason for leaving him. That had puzzled Jake tremendously, but it had only slightly dimmed his excitment each night as the lights dimmed and the Master appeared once again on the silver screen, lifting Jake's mind into unrivalled realms of thespian grandeur.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:23 PM

TRULY BAD FICTION, Part Deux.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:18 PM

(shrug) I think you're being very thin-skinned about it, Jack. I don't see why we can't have some banter back and forth without taking it as personally as you seem to be taking it. I have banter like that with Amos and Rapparee all the time, and they don't get furious about it...nor do I get furious when they do it to me. In fact, they take it as a joke. And so do I. But if it really troubles you that much that I said those things, even with a smily face behind them, then I'll take it all back. Okay? I do NOT actually think you are deranged. Hardly! I think you are a smart, capable, perfectly normal human being who defends his opinions vigorously, specially when challenged. I don't think there's anything wrong with you either. Okay? Look, if I tell someone on this forum that they are deranged, I've got to be joking, for heaven's sake!

If I really thought someone here was literally deranged and had "something wrong with them", I wouldn't say a word to them about it. I would remain silent and avoid tangling with them. Deranged people are quite possibly dangerous, and it's best not to bother them, in my opinion.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 03:58 PM

"Ah, Fuck the condoms!" Thought Jake. "This dialog will kill me long before aids does!"

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 03:56 PM

Here is a tip concerning your view of things here.

"There is something seriously wrong with you. You're deranged."

You say that to someone in the real word, you are probably going to lose some teeth. Say it with a smile and you are a lot more likely to lose teeth.

It was a personal attack and I let you do it four times before I responded.

Little Hawk I don't think you are joking. More is the pity if you don't know it.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Amos
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 03:49 PM

This is NOT bad fiction. It is pathetically bad NON-fiction!

Jake pulled the thick Norwegian wool sweater over his muscular chest and giggled when it tickled his six-pack. He pulled on the springy bright blue leotard pants and slipped his feet into an over-sized pair of Ugg boots. "Ugg!" he murmured with disgust. "I guess its showtime!".

Checking the address of the ritzy but decadent "Horseshow Fork" LGBT bar on his laptop, he slipped out the door, locking it behind him, checked his pocket for the new packae of condoms, and headed out for a night on the queasy part of town.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 01:36 AM

Her song annoys me because I find the idea of being attracted to a man because he's not "too clean" downright creepy! She obviously had something in mind that makes sense to her, though, and I think I even know what it is, but she didn't express it in a way that I find appealing. I think what she really means is that she is attracted to men who are sort of rugged and straightforwardly masculine...like a firefighter, for example...or a cowboy...but not a slick type of sophisticated guy with sort of an Ivy League Errol Flynn type manner...or an artsy type of guy who chats about artsy things...you know? That's probably what she meant.

I'm not sure if you want to annoy me or not, Jack. Sometimes I think you do, because you can get rather combative or catty at times over this or that. But it seems that you think I'm the one who's getting combative or catty? Well, maybe we both thought the other guu did it first, and we both just imagine we're defending ourselves against a prior attack by the other guy. I think that's the crux of it right there. I get the impression often that you're taking a little shot at me, so I usually take a little shot back, but I try to do it with a smile on my face. Hence the old ;-) symbol.

You remember when the cowboy would say to the other cowboy: "Smile when you say that." ? If the other guy smiled, then it wasn't a fighting issue, it was a bit of joking around.

That's what I'm doing. I'm smiling to let you know that although it's a shot, it does not mean that I hate you. It's just a bit of joking around, that's all.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 10:26 PM

JtS: "If you read correctly you would see that it was Amos who put the thought in the character "MICHAEL's" mind."

I stand corrected..you are correct.....
I apologize for the boo-boo!

....but 'Heather' sure is cute!!!...(wink!)

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:50 PM

So she does a song that annoys you because it has, in her view, some artistic merit. But when I write something that annoys you it is because I want to annoy you?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:46 PM

To the contrary. ;-) She's a very nice person, a fine musician, and I've never given her even a hint that I don't like that song, because I wouldn't wish to hurt her feelings. My only fear is that she may end up reading this post. If so...well...our friendship will probably survive it! ;-)

I mean, hell, she might not like one or two of my songs either. If so, she hasn't said anything about it. Nobody's perfect.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:43 PM

Hmmmmm a pattern perhaps?

"I get queasy and want to leave the room when she sings it. "

Do you think that she does it just to annoy you.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:37 PM

Generally speaking, that is so, Jack. There are some very rare exceptions to the rule of women who wnat their men to have clean bits, but I stay clear of them sorta dames! ;-) Yew kin maybe find 'em in "Deliverance" country.

There's a gal here in town, a songwriter, a fine musician, and she wrote this one creepy song entitled "I Don't Like My Men Too Clean". It horrifies me. I get queasy and want to leave the room when she sings it.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:20 PM

A real woman wants her man to have clean bits.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:16 PM

How do you know this? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:15 PM

A real man cleans his dick, balls, ass crack, thoroughly

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:13 PM

"if you read accurately, the character 'Michael' was not interested in either one of them"

If you read correctly you would see that it was Amos who put the thought in the character "MICHAEL's" mind.


But yes, my "fantasy" is to get my bits clean when I shower. It is a "fantasy" that always comes true.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:05 PM

"A real man" is whatever people think a real man is. They make all this stuff up as they go along. If enough of them can agree on something they've made up...like money, for instance...then it becomes effectively "real" within their experience, whether it was real or not at the start.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 05:55 PM

Well, jack, you steered the story to fit your own fantasy....interesting!

if you read accurately, the character 'Michael' was not interested in either one of them....but after all...it's your imagination, that's taken over you....interesting!

Gfs

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:58 PM

A real man can look at a man in a shower and not get queasy.

A real man defends 16 year old girls (even made up ones) from 60 year old house painting letches (even made up ones) by taking the story in an unexpected direction.

A real man knows the difference between >>"cock and balls" and "ass and crack"<< and "balls, dick, ass crack, everything."

A real man knows how to cut and paste when quoting!!!! Wink!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:40 PM

That's a subjective question, Jack. Anyone's answer to it would be right from their point of view.

What I want to know is, are you still spray painting "cock and balls" and "ass and crack" on the sides of downtown buildings in the middle of the night? If so, aren't you afraid you'll get caugjt eventually?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:24 PM

Hey??? What is sexual about a man taking a shower in the privacy of his own movie script?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:23 PM

Yeah, yeah.... ;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:22 PM

Hey I was just following Amos' lead. Also I wanted to make the NC 17 joke and I thought it would be more tasteful to portray a man in the shower than to have a 45-60 year old man having sex with a 16 year old.

But don't blame me or Amos. Blame Gfie, s/he started it with the flirting.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:15 PM

Jack, you're really putting me off my food with all this tawdry and salacious sexually laden crap you insist on burdening this poor thread with. I want you to stop doing it, but I suspect you don't care. You probably enjoy annoying me in that fashion. Therefore I have a question for you.

Do you like sex and travel? ;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:08 PM

Michael stands in the shower admiring the steamy reflection of his well defined painter's muscles, soaping then sensually rinsing. Soaping then sensually rinsing, balls, dick, ass crack, everything.

               MICHAEL (V.O.)
    Good luck getting this crappy film on Disney now. You will be    lucky to get and "R." Nope this is NC-17 all the way. And what about that little Lolita? Just think about it 35 years ago I was scared and stupid enough to run out of my own house when the cops were coming, leaving all the evidence there and risking a fire with two hundred different kinds of candles. Not to mention that I was anal enough and gay enough to have 200 different kinds of candles. Just imagine, it collecting candles for years. Votive candles, birthday candles, tapered candles, roman candles, scented candles 200 different kinds. It boggles the mind. And now, her I am 35 years later, I gotta be at least 45, I had my own house then after all. Nearly 50, being hit on by a 16 year old at that age after having turned down a lucrative career as a cosmic dispenser of justice, who do I think I am Kevin Spacey? I gotta tell ya. I hope not. I hope I am not telling this whole story from a pool of blood having been shot by the jealous gay father of my dope dealer. There is no way that story should have won one best Screenplay Oscar, let alone do it again for this one. But the only way this gets on TV is on HBO. I wonder can we get some mobsters or vampires in this story. That's what they are buying at HBO. We could call it Forgetabloodit. Now were talking! That's a story.

Michael continyes to admire the steamy reflection of his well defined painter's muscles, soaping then sensually rinsing. Soaping then sensually rinsing, balls, dick, ass crack, everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Amos
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 03:00 PM

RICHARD
                                    (eyes glazed with lustful thoughts)
                  Are you kidding? I'd go for her even if she had a bag over her head!
                                     MICHAEL
                   You are such an unmitigated crap-moinger, I'm surprised your mother didn't throw you back in the cesspool.

                                     RICHARD
                   YEah, fuck you too, man. You just don't understand passion. It's part of life you will never get in touch with.

                                     MICHAEL
YEah, well, so is dysentery, but I ain't out begging for it like you are.
                     
                                     RICHARD
                     You effing dweeb. I bet your mother wears second-hand Goodwill panties.

                                     MICHAEL
                     
Great. I'm calling Heather. Two bucks says I get a date tonight with her.

Richard rolls his eyes, shakes his head, sighs.

                                    RICHARD
Yeah, right. I'll look for a noose on the door if you get lucky.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 02:11 PM

"Reality is tenuous." thought Jake. "Few things have been firmly established, except that I flit around the continent with an ease of teleportation that would make Scotty blush and that flood waters reached my penthouse flat apartment, leaving the city's infrastructure intact."

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: autolycus
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 02:17 AM

{And there was me trying to get the novel back on track. Ck!]

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Aug 11 - 07:43 PM

That's right. ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 03 Aug 11 - 07:41 PM

Gentleman George, Evidently the only person ever to successfully breed a mare and a giraffe, any to ride it through the Mudcat, gazing downward, ever downward. For when he trades insults he uses winky face ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Aug 11 - 07:11 PM

"Keep them dogies rollin'...Rawhide!!! Don't try to understand 'em, just feed 'em, rope, and brand 'em....Rawhide!!!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: autolycus
Date: 03 Aug 11 - 07:04 PM

[So anyway....]

.....overcrowded intersection, shouldering aside for a moment the lesser vehicles around them as a giant pachyderm shoulders aside a herd of wildebeest before it is lost in the approaching denoument of darkness and of night.

Jake was desperate for a change in the weather. Whether the visible vehicles were bothered by the inundation seemed the most moot ofpoints one might imagine.

It seemed to Jake that he was caught among a variety of parallel universi that were going to take a lot of sorting out, what with THE FLOOD lapping round halw-way up the condiment wear he lived, and what-not. The approachingness that seemed so very very very characteristic of the dawn/sunrise/sunup * (*dleete is inapplicable - sorry, as inapplicable) was sacting a fresh light, well any light, really, on this horrendous neigh frightening situation amidst which Jake [you remember Jake] found himself entrenched.

"Of course," he vouchsafed. "Under this inundation there'll be a trench, like what they've got under the pacific somewhere." He retreated into his flat apartment in search of his trench coat which was verily to be retrieved for this inclement disaster.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 03 Aug 11 - 05:34 PM

"We have prayed for rain and we have received it. Our prayers were answered in equal measure to our prayers for intelligent guidance for the Republican Party!"

The crowd, potential Republican Congressional leaders every one, takes a wide stance and starts to chant, "more Dick! more Dick! more Dick!"

Meanwhile Jake's bus has left Texas and is traveling up I30 toward Hope, Arkansas.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Aug 11 - 05:27 PM

Meanwhile Tropical Storm Don swept into craklin dry Texas scrubland and wrung esactly one drop of rain right down into Rick Perry's eye.
The megatron showed the drop like a tear of real emotion as he stood on the podium. The crowd of 204 recovering alcoholics all began to tear up and started chanting Rick Perry's name, in between beers.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 03 Aug 11 - 10:56 AM

So she got him off. Legally. My word you readers have dirty minds!

Rick Perry met Jake in the hot, dusty Texas sunlight outside that hot dusty Texas holding facility.
"We don't like your kind here in Texas."We don't have enough on you to execute you so we're kicking you out. Here is a bus ticket to... " Perry retches a bit on each syllable but he finally gets the words out. Boston, Massachusetts. Now get on up there with them Brady lovin' Yankees where you belong.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 03 Aug 11 - 08:27 AM

"Holy batshit! Batman! That's a lot of punctuation."
"It.. is...Robin..."

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 03 Aug 11 - 02:50 AM

Gosh....gotta go to 'scene #4'....'tis a lotta' work.....but somebody's gotta do it!...
wink!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 02 Aug 11 - 10:15 PM

"Public defender." The young woman in the professional suit said. "And I don't like drug smugglers. I'm only taking this job because I lost my job at the FAA."
"Don't sweat it sweets." Said Tillington, "The drugs were bogus and so was the charge. If you lawyer half as sharply as you dress you'll have me outta here in no time."
His charm was working. Her nerves were settling. Maybe she would get through this after all.
He looked her up and down and said "I'll bet you a smoke I can tell you were you got them shoes."
"You're on! buster."
"On yer feet toots. on yer feet."
This seemed like the beginning of an adequate working relationship. She took out a smoke and lit it then tossed it over the glass. The lit end barely grazed the ceiling. It then tumbled down end over end until the filter end was balanced perfectly on his ample, waiting, lower lip.
"You got style honey!"
"You too Jake. You too."

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Aug 11 - 08:11 PM

"Naww", he said.."I'ze be a pimpin' fool!...You wanna' do bidness?"

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 02 Aug 11 - 08:07 PM

"Tillington!" Bellowed the guard "visitor."
Jake walked out to the table and sat down. He eyed the young lady across the glass and picked up the phone? "Nice Suit."
"Thanks, I guess."
"Are you my lawyer?"

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Janie
Date: 02 Aug 11 - 07:56 PM

The young woman in the professional suit walked down the avenue at as fast a clip as she could manage, painfully, even frightfully aware of how much attention she was bound to draw, dressed as she was in a business suit and carrying an expensive leather briefcase. Why in the world had she agreed to this meeting, under these circumstances?

"Because I'm desperate idiot, that's why!" She came to a sudden stop, reconsidering her options. Keep going? Turn back and hope she made it safely back to the car? Hail a cab? What would Jake do if she didn't show up? She turned and looked back down the sidewalk in the direction from which she had come, and glimpsed a man in a pork pie hat leaning against the wall in the shadows not 5 feet from where she was standing. "Is he looking at me? I can't tell. Better keep moving." Tightening her grip on the leather case, she stepped out again in the same direction she had been heading, trying to ignore the way her heart was pounding in her chest.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 02 Aug 11 - 04:14 PM

Batman had a cramp in his finger. His scrolling finger. He had had to scroll through a seemingly endless stream of unknown quantity. He knew how to read copyright warnings. He knew how to keep his word. He refused to be drawn into The Punctuator's trap.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Aug 11 - 04:13 PM

Scene two might appear to be before scene three...depends how you came into the room. Check first.

GfS