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BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans

ChrisJBrady 05 Jan 12 - 03:17 PM
Little Hawk 05 Jan 12 - 03:27 PM
Amos 05 Jan 12 - 03:53 PM
gnu 05 Jan 12 - 04:27 PM
Joe Offer 05 Jan 12 - 05:14 PM
Little Hawk 05 Jan 12 - 06:08 PM
Bobert 05 Jan 12 - 06:42 PM
artbrooks 05 Jan 12 - 07:06 PM
Doug Chadwick 05 Jan 12 - 07:10 PM
GUEST,999 05 Jan 12 - 07:21 PM
Don Firth 05 Jan 12 - 07:54 PM
gnu 05 Jan 12 - 07:56 PM
GUEST,999 05 Jan 12 - 09:06 PM
Rapparee 05 Jan 12 - 09:23 PM
GUEST,999 05 Jan 12 - 10:11 PM
Don Firth 05 Jan 12 - 11:16 PM
GUEST,999 05 Jan 12 - 11:32 PM
Don Firth 06 Jan 12 - 12:42 AM
MGM·Lion 06 Jan 12 - 01:10 AM
MGM·Lion 06 Jan 12 - 02:39 AM
Musket 06 Jan 12 - 05:43 AM
GUEST,Shining Wit 06 Jan 12 - 07:23 AM
Will Fly 06 Jan 12 - 07:35 AM
DMcG 06 Jan 12 - 07:39 AM
MarkS 06 Jan 12 - 09:41 AM
Pete Jennings 06 Jan 12 - 09:52 AM
GUEST,999 06 Jan 12 - 10:36 AM
Sandy Mc Lean 06 Jan 12 - 12:11 PM
Pete Jennings 06 Jan 12 - 12:30 PM
Little Hawk 06 Jan 12 - 12:37 PM
Ebbie 06 Jan 12 - 02:43 PM
Becca72 06 Jan 12 - 03:22 PM
Little Hawk 06 Jan 12 - 06:24 PM

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Subject: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: ChrisJBrady
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 03:17 PM

Letter from the Queen to the Americans

Thursday, 5 January, 2012 17:55

Queen Elizabeth II

Letter from the Queen ... important announcement regarding the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels, (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without sueing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left hand side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly: $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with 'catsup' but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour.

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 03:27 PM

Heh! Heh!

Not bad.

The only thing that worries me about the Queen's program is that the UK is in some respects even more Orwellian at present than the USA (perhaps because it's a lot smaller...therefore it's much easier to fill it up with public surveillance cameras....)

Still, I think a little British order and decency would go a long way toward making America "nicer"...and I bet Penelope Rutledge would agree with me on that.

And I want to know who killed JFK.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Amos
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 03:53 PM

I almost fell off my pterodactyl the first time I heard that!! :D


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 04:27 PM

No Yankee football? Sod off Betty!


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Joe Offer
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 05:14 PM

It's interesting to trace the evolution of this "letter from the Queen." As far as I can tell, the first of ten times it was posted at Mudcat was 15 Nov 2000. The 2000 version announced that Tony Blair would be our Prime Minister, which was very encouraging to me. At the time, we weren't sure who would be our President, but Tony sounded pretty good and we didn't know that Tony and George W. would end up being allies.
Not sure I'd like David Cameron. Can't you Brits come up with somebody better? We American liberals always thought you Brits were better than us, but we're not so sure any more.....

-Joe-


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 06:08 PM

I suggest David Iche.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Bobert
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 06:42 PM

No thanks, Queenie...

Your little island is purdy messed up if you hadn't noticed... And looks as if you get yer jollies killing folks and dragin' out in the woods...

B~


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: artbrooks
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 07:06 PM

Do we really have to replace hamburgers with curry as the most ubiquitous 'native' food?


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 07:10 PM

…………to financially manage…………

As it's "the Queen's English" I would have expected her to maintain standards rather than split infinitives.



DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 07:21 PM

Who killed JFK? Hell, I'm still wondering who shot JR.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Don Firth
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 07:54 PM

I'll still toying with the idea of emigrating to one of the Scandinavian countries.

But I'll skip the lutefisk, thanks.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 07:56 PM

It was Colonel Mustard with a revolver.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 09:06 PM

Gnu, the mustard might help Don with the lutefisk.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 09:23 PM

I'm still wondering who shot William Rufus.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 10:11 PM

One of William Tell's ancestors maybe?


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Don Firth
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 11:16 PM

There were these two guys who were really into charades and living rebuses (sight puzzles), and since both were fairly wealthy, some of them got pretty elaborate. They were also highly competitive. But Fred seemed to always stump George, and he was always guessing George's puzzles right off. But George was determined that, come hell or high water, he would devise a puzzle that would completely buffalo George.

Then, lo! he came up with one he was sure would do it!

Smirking confidently, he hired sixteen strippers. He asked them to appear wearing bikinis. Then before he called Fred into the room, he had the young women remove either tops or bottoms. He told them to line up as follows:

Topless facing forward,
bottomless facing backward,
topless facing forward,
bottomless facing backward,
topless facing forward,
bottomless facing backward,
bottomless facing backward,
bottomless facing backward,
then, the remaining eight women in exactly the same sequence.

He then let Fred into the room. Fred took a quick glance and burst out laughing. "Sorry, old buddy, but it's obvious! It's the "William Tell Overture!"

"Damn!" growled George, banging his head against the wall. Then he sighed and said, "Okay, explain!"

"Easy," said Fred, still snickering. "Titty-rump, titty-rump, titty-rump, rump, rump; titty-rump, titty-rump, titty-rump, rump, rump!"

Don Firth

P. S. (sorry!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Jan 12 - 11:32 PM

LOL


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Don Firth
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 12:42 AM

The problem with a joke like that is you'll probably never hear "The William Tell Overture" in quite the same way again.

Sorry about that.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 01:10 AM

I prefer the tune that goes bum-titty-bum-titty-bum-bum ~~

ɷ ɷɷ ɷ ɷɷ ɷ ɷ

~Michael~


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 02:39 AM

BTW ~ a drift: have you ever noticed how the conventional heart shape

❤❤❤♥♥

resembles a pair of upturned buttocks or breasts? ~~ surely originally a bit of conscious symbolism.

~M~


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Musket
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 05:43 AM

If one checks such matters, one will undoubtably find that it is not incorrect to split infinitives.

The Queens's English has no such restriction.   This was a restriction on Latin which is not only a dead language but was promoted by Italians. And after having to sit next to Mr Berlusconi, one's Imperial (yes suckers, Imperial!) Majesty says bollocks to promoting greasy wopism.

(Perhaps one's recently returned subjects would like to look up the word Bollocks, as it now forms a part of your language.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: GUEST,Shining Wit
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 07:23 AM

Also you'll have to implement the class system too, which often seems a tad confusing to johnny foreigner so here's a quick explanation:

Everyone in the UK is part of an ancient class system the death of which is frequently announced but never actually happens. Nearly everyone instinctively knows which rung of the class ladder they occupy, but you can never take their word for it. Here's a broad overview of the rungs of the ladder:

1) The Queen: On the top rung of the class ladder is Brenda herself. She never carries cash, speaks posher than anyone else (almost her own dialect) and married a grumpy greek chap with somewhat un-PC views on ethnicity. Her head is on every stamp and coin of the realm. She's richer than all the rest of us put together and many African countries. Gets driven around in big cars and carriages.

2) Other Royals: Despite marrying 'commoners' (i.e. very posh bints or dwarf-tossing rugby players) the other Royals are all hopelessly upper upper class and the rarified atmosphere of privilege has addled their brains somewhat. Prince Charles for example, is as mad as a hatter and talks to his plants and believes the golden age of British architecture is confined to the posh houses of posh people a couple of hundred years ago. No-one sees the Princess Royal anymore and Andy 'handy' Pandy will meet anyone for a bung, often arranged by his sozzled ex-wife who has been disowned by the rest of the family, basically for having a big trap and saying "ya, OK" a lot. Drive Landrover Disco's and expensive British sports cars.

3) Minor royals and the aristocracy: Since being chucked out of the House of Lords the aristocracy has been rather quite, confining themselves to the odd Pimms and a chukka on a Saturday afternoon, or blasting the living shit out of hapless animals. These people are all rich, live in big houses on lands assigned to their chinless ancestors by William The Bastard, and the feudal system is still in place. In Scotland the rich natives still own vast swathes of uplands where they go shooting grouse over lands they cleared people off ages ago. All people in this class wear kilts regardless of where they live and all have hidden Lord Lucan in their houses at some time. Often claim to be potless whilst sitting in a stately pile with 500 rooms. Drive Porches and other sporty cars, plus the more expensive 4x4s.

4) Upper class. People who have inherited money and hang around with the aristocracy. Can often trace their families back to a Duke of Buckingham or the Black Prince. Like panelled walls and eat cucumber butties. Often rich, speak proper and this is the class many middle-class people aspire to be accepted into, as they can afford the clothes and to attend Glyndebourne but rarely have the taste or breeding to quite carry it off. Drive Landrovers.

5) Upper Middle Class. Stockbrokers, Senior Churchmen, many politicians, slebs of all type and the entire Monty Python team except Terry Gilliam. Self-made and have a few quid in the bank, they tend to aggregate into communities of rather tasteless modern houses in posh villages surrounding the major cities and send their kids to posh local private schools. Rarely have any actual taste and have often kept their accents, all aspire to upper classness but never actually achieve it. These are the people that will attend polo matches/hunts/horse races etc with real posh people who are probably sniggering at their delusions of grandeur. Drive Lexus's, Jags, Beamers and those 4x4's that would be crap off road.

6) Middle and Lower Middle Class: Interchangeable according to the economic situation. All aspire to upper middle classness. Often made up of working class people convinced they've shaken off the shackles of their working class roots because they drink red wine and eat canapés. Often lampooned in sitcoms which they love as they never realise it's them being lampooned. Love Jim Davidson and The Daily Mail. Don't realise wearing clothes by big labels is not the same as dressing well. Have no taste and love posh kit pubs and 'gastro' pubs, which are basically glorified cafes flogging Brake Bros. food warmed up in the microwave. Drive Family saloons, people carriers and think the best car ever made is a toss-up between a BMW 4x4, a Navarra, the Porche 4x4 and the Landrover Vogue, all of which are the vehicular equivalent of a drunk slapper in Watford on Saturday night drinking 14 wkds, 21 'shots', then getting her tits out when the coppers go past before throwing up her kebab and passing out in the gutter. Jeremy Clarkson's fanbase is made up almost entirely of the middle and lower middle class.

7) Working class: Everyone claims to be working class, the most vocal claimants are often middle class people who used to be working class. In fact, most people are actually only a generation or two from being real working class. This class is under genuine threat as it becomes increasingly isolated from any social mobility which a delusion sold to it by consumer society and it's associated advertising campaigns anyway. Tories hate them but for some unfathomable reason many working class people actually vote for the tories. Read the red-tops and frequent real pubs, think Mrs Thatch was 'great for the country' and rue the loss of Woolworths. Go to football matches (slebs and politicians often go to football matches to make themselves appear 'normal'), know all the words to "The Road to Amarillo" and go to the chippy at least twice a week. Watches the X-Factor and ITV on wall-mounted 68" HDTVs and subscribe to Sky Sports. Drives just about anything, often into the ground.

8) Underclass: Also known as chavs or scally's. The most demonised element of society, feared and reviled by the middle classes who view them as the spawn of hell. Love designer labels and sportswear but will happily wear fake versions. Like 'bling', rap music and Big Brother. Can survive on one Greggs Cheese Slice and can of Iron Bru a day. Flock to large shopping centres like the Trafford Centre to mingle with those in the middle classes and buy trainers worth hundreds of quid a pair. Considered soley responsible for the riots last summer and as they essentially disinterested and voiceless in society an easy target for politicians to blame for all manner of problems. Drive souped-up Fiat Pandas and Vauxhall Astras with loud exhausts and sound systems the put out such volume and bass that your spleen feels like it's about to burst.

There are various subclasses within all these classes but it would be a lifetimes work to sort it all out. Suffice to say, as subjects of the Queen you will have to fit in here somewhere.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Will Fly
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 07:35 AM

'ere, Shining Wit - where do all us interlectuals fit in in your list?


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: DMcG
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 07:39 AM

Fitting people to classes is not the simplest of tasks. It is roughly comparable to the effort spent by a friend of mine years ago at an Indian restaurant trying to decide whether medium hot was hotter than fairly hot, and where spicy fitted into the sequence ... Added to which, for both people and curries, the answer might be quite different next time you encounter them.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: MarkS
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 09:41 AM

Where do I go to apply for membership in the aristocracy?
I figure I ought to be worth a Duke or an Earl or the Duke of Earl.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 09:52 AM

If we do impose the class system on them (highly recommended) what will happen to Bobert?


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: GUEST,999
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 10:36 AM

Won't be a problem, Pete. Bobert's in a class by himself.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Sandy Mc Lean
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 12:11 PM

I suspect that Charlie and Camilla will be sent over to run the affairs of state. (and also to keep them out of Mummy's hair)
The quality of tea will improve greatly as you tossed the last decent shipment into Boston Harbo(U)r. The Washinton monument will be replaced with one for King George da Turd. The Lincoln monument will be renamed in hono(U)r of Benedict Arnold. The White House will be renamed Suckinham Palace and fish & chips will be sold to tourists in the Rose Garden. Schoolchildren will no longer waste time reciting a Pledge of Allegiance, as the time will be better spent learning to bow and courtesy.
You will be eligible to send athletes to represent you at the Commonwealth Games. Your status as a colony could be reviewed within a decade possibly making you eligible for annexation by Canada. Of course this would be subject to the approval of Stephen Harper.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 12:30 PM

MarkS: If you want to become a Duke you have to contact Steve...


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 12:37 PM

"White House will be renamed Suckingham Palace"

HA! HA! HA!

Shining Wit: Brilliant! Looking over your list of the British class system, I conclude that...

Penelope Rutledge and Winston Wellington-Jones and their ilk are members of Class 3, the aristocracy. They already believe themselves to be at more or less the pinnacle of society, but would probably like to be invited to tea with the Queen a bit more often.

Olive Whatnoll and 'er 'usband, Eddie are members of the working class (but Eddie's on the dole at present). They despise chavs and want them all put in labour camps. Being of a somewhat rebellious disposition, they also show considerable resentment toward the middle and upper classes, are deeply suspicious of all foreigners, and yearn for a leader even more ruthless than Maggie Thatcher...one who will build the aforesaid labour camps, refurbish the Tower of London, reinstitute beheadings and public hangings, restore the Empire, and give what-for to the fecking Frenchies and Jerries across the Channel!


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Ebbie
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 02:43 PM

As a benighted American, I suspect that Shining Wit's sum up is fairly close to the mark.

Or is that me signing on to stereotype?


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Becca72
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 03:22 PM

Andi MacDowell played an American in "Four Weddings and a Funeral". It's isn't our fault she cannot act on either side of the pond.


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Subject: RE: BS: Letter from the Queen to the Americans
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Jan 12 - 06:24 PM

She was fine in "Groundhog Day", and not bad in "Greystoke" (the Tarzan film with the French actor as Tarzan).

Ebbie - Stereotypes (along with brevity) are the soul of wit! ;-D Without them we'd have very few jokes to tell at all.


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