BS: New similes

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 02:26 PM

Trying to put a nappy (diaper) on my daughter was like trying to put an octopus in a string bag, and was about as successful as nailing fog to the wall or jelly to the ceiling.

And a bag full of weasels describes her beautifully, if the weasels are covered in marmite and wearing nothing but knickers and patent leather shoes......

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: alison
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 12:33 AM

perfect to describe my 4 year old..

like a bag full of weasels..

slainte

alison

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: OhShenandoah
Date: 19 Nov 99 - 03:32 PM

"that's as old as pepper and almost as old as salt"

"there ain't no fence around the store"

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Nov 99 - 11:35 AM

As stuck up as a welly (wellington or gumboot) in a shit heap.

Gervase you old darling, you pop up in the strangest of places, of course if that is the same Gervase who is so far round the bend you could use him as a corkscrew...

If it isn't, my god,there are two of them, run for the hills!!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Micca
Date: 19 Nov 99 - 09:33 AM

Hi Gervase is that you?"
Oh Lord above
send down a dove
with wings as sharp as razors
to cut the throat of that old Scrote
that sells----
Micca

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: gervase
Date: 19 Nov 99 - 09:15 AM

A face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle; a face only a mother could love; mad as two waltzing mice; as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest - I've been on the receiving end of all of these in my time!

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 06:40 PM

arguments is two doors down..this is abuse..

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: V%¤10
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 01:48 PM

Sorry, I thought I was posting to the "insults" thread V%.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: V%¤10
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 01:43 PM

To " yer man Hendry from Scotland......"
You Fucking Idiot

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: McKnees
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 12:12 PM

Not to tightly wrapped,

His lift (elevator) doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Mcknees

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 07:59 AM

welcome as a wet dog at a wedding

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Melbert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:44 PM

He's as welcome as a fart in a sleeping bag

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Melbert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 05:42 PM

Buck toothed? ---- when he looks down he thinks his nose is playing a piano!

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Bert
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:55 PM

In and out like a fart in a colander

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Stoney
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:50 PM

As slippery as an armful of wedding pricks. As phony as a three dollar bill. As useless as a fart in a windstorm. He looked as though the devil just flew up his ass with an armful of open razors.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:29 PM

stiffer than a tin boot
Rich enough to cremeate a wet elephant

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:01 PM

As much use as a chocolate condom (although you could eat them if your date turned out to be)

As stiff as bowl of soup,

Bent as a safety pin,

Pissed as any three farts (the UK sense, meaning drunk),

Limp as the last chicken in the shop.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 04:01 PM

As much use as a chocolate condom (although you could eat them if your date turned out to be)

As stiff as bowl of soup,

Bent as a safety pin,

Pissed as any three farts (the UK sense, meaning drunk),

Limp as the last chicken in the shop.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Allan C.
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 02:11 PM

"like a cow pissing on a flat rock" was once used to describe the sound made by my shuffling of a deck of cards.
"cold as a mother-in-law's kiss" is the way I heard it.
"cold as a stainless steel toilet seat on the north end of an iceberg"
"homely as a mud fence"
and speaking of fences:
"she was so snaggletoothed that she could eat watermelon through a picket fence"
"dead as a fish"
"It is as clear as mud, but it covers the ground."
"as remorseful as a kid eating an unripe persimmon"

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Clifton53
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 01:41 PM

Tighter than two coats of paint.

Slicker than cat shit on linoleum.

It was so easy, we had 'em by the ass on a downhill pull.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Den
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 01:20 PM

Face like a butcher's window (describing someone after a fight)

Face like a welders bench

Dry as a witch's tit

Busy as a one legged man at an ass kicking party (one of my favourites I can just see it)

As useful as an ash tray on a motorcycle

As useful as balls on a bishop

Face like sour candy

Den

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 11:51 AM

If you had my cat, you wouldn't make jokes about cat farts - he smells like a buzzards' bollocks the day before bath night.

He smells so bad, I'm thinking of applying a pineapple and a croquet mallet....

How bad does he smell? He smells like a chemical paintstipper stripping paint made of shit.

If he were in the same room as a tramp (bum), the tramp would be offended!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Paul S
Date: 11 Nov 99 - 03:45 PM

Ugly enough to knock a buzzard off a shit pile.

Queer as a cat-fart.

Queer as a french horn.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 03:59 PM

grinning like a holy man on valium

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Ezra
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 01:33 PM

How about:

Colder than a well digger's ass.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Bert
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 11:58 AM

As happy as a dog with two cocks.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 11:51 AM

As fit as a butchers dog

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 11:21 AM

stinks like a dog's laundry.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Bert
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 09:56 AM

As straight as a docker's hook.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: alison
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 09:01 AM

thick as champ

sharp as a beach ball

dull as dish water

cold as a mother-in-laws heart

crooked as a dogs hind leg

slainte

alison

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Mbo
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 07:57 AM

How about:

"This place looks like the Wreck of the Hesperus"

(One of my mother's favorites.)

"It looks (or smells) like twenty miles of what-the-heck"

(A West Virginian saying, so I'm told--a favorite from one of my parents' co-workers who hailed from the aforementioned state.)

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Roger the skiffler
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 03:48 AM

That lovely Glaswegian description: "A face like half-chewed caramel"

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Melbert
Date: 10 Nov 99 - 03:24 AM

As bent as a nine-bob note.....

As much use as a clockwork walking stick......

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Brendy
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 10:17 PM

"A few sandwiches short of a picnic!" "as sharp as two short planks"
"For a bodhrán player, he would make a good bricklayer". "if he was hanged for his wit he would die innocent"

Bren.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Mbo
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 10:05 PM

Also my grandparents used to say:

"As poor as a porch-climber" (don't ask!)

--Mbo

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Mbo
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 10:02 PM

Here's some of my favorites:

"A few coupons short of a toast rack" (Humbug)

"Dumb as a drum with a hole in it" (Charles Dickens)

"Daft as a brush" (Douglas Adams)

--Mbo

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: DonMeixner
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 09:11 PM

One of my Dad's favorites: She was Plain as a mud fence.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 07:58 PM

Love the grandmothers, I want to be like that when I have to be one!!

Our version was he hasn't the sense God gave a lettuce.

And our non PC was 'camp as a row of pink tents', one that will for ever describe a friend, now sadly gone, victim of the big C, who, at a folk festival, unrolled his tent and proceeded to pitch. After a muffled exclaimation, he emerged waving a pair of pants/trollies/shreddies/whatever you want to call them, in the air and saying 'I wondered where they had gone'. Now, given that he hadn't been camping since the festival the previous year, you just knew that they had been in there for 12 months, but were never quite certain that it might not have been more...... For him, the world will always be 'sooooooo fruity'.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Caitrin
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 07:17 PM

I've used "She doesn't have the sense that God gave Animal Crackers" several times. "Dumb as toast" is one of my brother's favorites. He also uses "Tarp as a shack."

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: sophocleese
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 04:31 PM

Aren't grandmothers wonderful? When my grandmother was 90 she fell and broke her hip. As they were lifting her onto the stretcher a nurse commented about the queen mother having also done that recently my grandmother said "Oh should I wave?" Then a young doctor patted her gently on the shoulder and said "Not to worry, lots of elderly ladies brreak their hips." My grandmother replied that she may be elderly but she'd never been a lady.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Bert
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 04:25 PM

My grandmother used to say "Daft as Arseholes and twice as nasty"

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: sophocleese
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 04:03 PM

He's got fewer wits than god gave gravel.

The thinking man's bulldozer.

My great grandmother described someones dress as 'shit colour by moonlight'.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 03:29 PM

My friend Bernie Houlahan in Moncton described a guy as looking like he was in the middle of a sex change, and the power went off.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Micca
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 03:28 PM

Hey El Swanno, I'd heard that one about the thistle, it makes your mouth go dry just to think of it.The thig about all the posts is the little visual image they produce. My Aunt used to say "I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire" And a particularly lovesick friend said about the woman he fancied "I would crawl 5 miles over broken glass just to hear her tell me F*** off"

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Dave Swan
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 01:26 PM

My grandmother left me with: "Grinning like a jack-ass eating prickly pears", and to describe a downpour "It's coming down like a cow pissing on a flat rock"

A Brit friend of mine will describe someone as looking like "A bulldog licking piss off a thistle"

Try not to think about that for a while. E.S.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 01:13 PM

and of course..meaner than a junk yard dog

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Roger the skiffler
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 09:30 AM

...one that I think came from "Round the Horne", and is probably no longer PC:"as camp as a mauve marquee".

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Bert
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 09:22 AM

As bent as a box of top hats.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 07:29 AM

Thanks Sandy for reminding me.

"Tighter than a bull's ass in fly time."

also, "Hotter than a habenero fart."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Melbert
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 07:13 AM

Micca - gee, your boss is kind! Mine doesn't even bother with the KY!

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Micca
Date: 09 Nov 99 - 06:27 AM

Of course there is the "You know your in trouble when your Boss comes in with a tube of KY in one hand and a Pineapple in the other"

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Brendy
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 11:36 PM

"He had a hump on his back like a dog shaggin' a razor blade". A friend of mine describing the Hunchback of Notre Dame "He went through Connaught quicker than a skitter through a goat's arse". A comment on Oliver Cromwell's foreign policy. I've a few more knocking around, but I have to go and find a barrel to scrape

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 11:12 PM

Tighter than a duck's ass, and that's water-tight. (Contributed by a student in a high-school folklore project.)

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: midchuck
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 09:10 PM

(Spoken from the passenger seat to the driver, when approaching a female hitchiker): "Don't stop, she's uglier than death taking a sh*t"

"Crazier than a sh*thouse rat."

"That woman was so tall, she could stand flatfooted and p*ss in the radiator of a Chevy pickup." (This goes back to when trucks had radiator caps on the outside of the hoods (bonnets for you brits))

"I was trembling like a dog sh*tting a log chain and dreading the hook."

"I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in you and then stomp it dry."

The last three are from a collection in one of the late H. Allen Smith's books, but I can't remember which one.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 07:49 PM

as useless as a trap door in a canoe

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Melbert
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 06:56 PM

Modern definition of an Irishman - "a complex mechanism for the conversion of Guiness into urine" (a function which any Murphy's drinker will tell you is totally redundant!)

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Micca
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 06:52 PM

I forgot to post 2 old standbys dim as a Toc H lamp ( for the trans-ponders Toc H is/was a civilian organisation that provides comfort to the Armed forces their symbol was a solid stone lamp like a Greek kylix herefore no light) and Dry as a Nuns pussy (euphemism)

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 06:42 PM

Like a Bulldog chewing a wasp was something I'd heard as a description for something very different to a mother in law.....

Then there was the famous radio announcement....

Tits like coconuts, to which the reply is......

and sparrows like bacon rind.

Will of iron, ring of steel, knob of butter, a less than flattering description of the man from Krypton....

Happy as a pig in poo.

As loud as a Quaker raveup.

As mad as a bag of snakes/kipper in a privet bush/rhino on a pushbike

and the best description of a hurdy gurdy - a noise like a bottle of wasps

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Frankie
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 06:17 PM

A couple of old standbys:

Useless as tits on a boarhog.

Colder than a witches tit.

F

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Mike Billo
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 06:08 PM

My Uncle Bill used to describe winters in Minnesota by saying that people were " shivering like a dog shittin' a peach pit".

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Quirk Malarkey
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 05:58 PM

opposite day ? silent as a vociferous mudcat ?--doodlezak

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Magpie
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 05:55 PM

I once heard a fellow describing his wife: She's got boobies like a Cocker Spaniel's ears.

Magpie

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 05:27 PM

I know a Norwiegen lady, and she says the men there have big feet.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Melbert
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 05:05 PM

There was Les Dawson's classic description of his mother-in-law's face as being "like a bulldog chewing a wasp".

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Micca
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 04:55 PM

Viv,Or the Genteel version like ordure off a digging implement. by the way Thanks to everyone thats contributed ROFLMAOAHMS

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Melodeon
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 04:46 PM

As rare as rocking horse s**t.

Like s**t off a shiny shovel.

These are Roger's not mine.

Viv

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Magpie
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 04:36 PM

Hey, Kendall!

What do you mean by longer that a Norwegian's boot? Our boot surely isn't longer that other people's?

Magpie

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: kendall
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 08:36 AM

numb as a pounded thumb
Dry as a Baptist picnic
Nervous as a Christian Scientist with a severed artery
Grinning like a dog eating bumble bees.
Thicker than three in a bed
Longer than a Norwiegens boot
Hotter than the hinges of Tofit
colder than a dead mans tongue
heavy as a bucket of hogs liver

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 07:57 AM

How about:

Ugly as a hat full of arseholes

Face like a smacked arse

Thicker than a frozen dog turd (sorry, can't bet my brain above that level, got a job interview in 3 hours, and I'm wasting valuable time on this!!)

Quicker than a trick on overtime (sorry - trick = client of a prostitute, overtime = prostitute whose rates increase after a certain length of time)

Subtle as a Sherman tank with the handbrake off

Personality of a litter tray/kitty litter

A useful as a cat flap on a submarine

As bright as an AppleMac technician (sorry, but it's what he said....)

As popular as Betamax video (a strange, little used format for videos, introduced as a competitor for VHS!!!)

About as busy as the Popes' pecker (again, from a catholic, I just pass 'em on)

As queer as a bottle of crisps

As much use as a eunuch in a harem

A former colleague of mine was describing another, not known for rushing to help, with the phrase: I've known tectonic plates move faster.....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: MandolinPaul
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 06:38 AM

As dry as a popcorn fart.

He's been walking like a dog f***ing a football.

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From:
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 04:26 AM

Spaw' do you really want an explanation? (Cause if you don't, I won't give it to you)

I assume you're sincere, so here goes: A butt plug is a little(or not so little, depends on the recipient's taste) plug you stick up your a** in order to enhance sexual pleasure (I never said I used one!)

(Like a wee dildo stuck up the rear end.)

Let your imagination take over from here, and see if you can figure out how you would act if you had one. :)

Magpie

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Les B
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 01:41 AM

Slicker than snake snot on a door knob

He's got a full six-pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them together

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: DonMeixner
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 12:06 AM

Dumb as a box of rocks.

Older than dirt.

Just as sharp as a marble.

Slower than a pond.

Slicker than deer guts on a porch.

Wet as the inside of a fish.

Don

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: DonMeixner
Date: 08 Nov 99 - 12:06 AM

Dumb as a box of rocks.

Older than dirt.

Just as sharp as a marble.

Slower than a pond.

Slicker than deer guts on a porch.

Wet as the inside of a fish.

Don

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: Bugsy
Date: 07 Nov 99 - 11:59 PM

"As dry as a dead Dingo's donger!" (I am really thirsty)

"Flat out like a Lizzard drinking" (I'm rather busy)

"Fair suck of the Sauce Bottle" (Let's try and give every one a chance)

"If you don't want those puppies, I'll have the one with the pink nose" (I believe one of your nipples is showing)

ad nauseum

Cheers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Nov 99 - 10:26 PM

Most of these tend to be ludicrous and make no sense so I've used,

"Dumber than a dog shittin' green."

for years and I have no idea what it means...just came out one day. Like a friend used to use for a "smooth fit" that something was,

"Slicker than a mini's peter."

vaguely understandable, but,uh..........

In any case, can I get some help on one of these that's been bothering me for a long time....about 35 years I guess. This guy's Dad was berating him for jumping from project to project without totally finishing the previous one and he said,

"You act like a man with a rubber butt plug."

I personally have no idea how a man with a rubber butt plug might act...nor do I particularly want to know, but what the hell is that about anyway???????

Also...not exactly a simile, but there's an old expression..."Cut a fat hog in the ass" ...that seems to have a different meaning to Karen's family than it did to mine. Sorry....Karen just said that HER family NEVER said ass, they said butt...whatever. What does this expression mean to you?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: New similes
From: MandolinPaul
Date: 07 Nov 99 - 09:17 PM

As horny as a three-peckered jackrabbit.

Subject: New similes
From: Micca
Date: 07 Nov 99 - 07:41 PM

How bout some new similes, Knowing how much mudcatters enjoy wordgames
Here are a few to start off
As busy as a one-armed juggler with crabs
As much use as a ham sandwich at a Bar Mitzvah
As much use as pigskin Koran
As much use as a chocolate teapot
He went through it like stewed fruit through a short grandmother