BS: New joke thread of 2015

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Mar 15 - 03:02 PM

Old: one man's Mede is another man's Persian.
New: one man's fish is another man's poisson.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 06:20 AM

A stranger walks into a large village pub and finds the public bar totally empty, but for the noises coming from behind the counter.
He peeps over and finds a barman and a barmaid having it off on the floor.
A little frustrated, he goes into the lounge, again to find it empty except for a barman and a lady customer making 'the beast with two backs' on one of the long seats.
He storms out into the street, only to find two dogs on the pavement, stuck together after a heavy bout of 'the other'
He scoops them up in his arms, walks back into the pub, plonks them down in the bar and calls out, "Eh mate, your sign's fallen down".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 04:49 AM

Or
I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nooooooooooow
or did you here about the leper playing poker and threw his hand in?

Oh dear - said I wasn't going to do this
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 06:28 PM

TB or not TB, that is the question. Consumption be done about it? Of coughs, of coughs, but not for a lung, lung time.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 02:59 AM

A couple getting on in years went to the hospital to have their 12th child delivered.
The doctor took the woman aside and said, "Look Mary, you are getting on in years and if you have any more children it will be a serious risk to your health"
"I realise that doctor", she replied, "but the problem is that I'm getting very hard of hearing".
"How do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, when we go to bed at night, he's got into the habit of saying, ""Shall we go to sleep, or what"", I always say ""What?""
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 11:46 PM

Pedant, pedant (to the Pink Panther tune)

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:25 PM

Mrr, nobody likes a smartass.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:55 PM

The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the SONS of the squaws of the other 2 hides. Get your math right!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:51 PM

It was the custom among women of a particular tribe of North American plains Indians that when a pregnant woman's time was due, she would take the skin of large animal, go out into the wilderness, lie down on the skin, and give birth to a new member of the tribe.

On this occasion, in the fullness of time, three women came due at the same time, so the three of them trekked out into the wilderness to have their babies.

One lay down on a buffalo skin, one lay down on a bear skin, and on lay down on a hippopotamus hide.

The one on the buffalo skin gave birth to a baby boy. The one on the bear skin gave birth to a baby girl. The one on the hippopotamus hide gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl.

This proves the Pythagorean theorem that "the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the squaws on the other two hides…."

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:32 AM

Then there's the story of a young couple cycling along a road in Kirkby (Liverpool - where I was brought up) on a tandem, when a dog ran out of a block of flats and threw a bucket of water over them
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:19 AM

Listoonvana, in North Clare, on the edge of the Burren, holds an annual Matchmaking festival, where elderly farmers come in looking for wives - all good fun nowadays, but at one time, an essential part of rural life here.
One elderly farmer used to come in regularly on his ass and cart for supplies - he lived in a particularly isolated spot along one of the 'Green (undeveloped) roads
On morning, he rode to the town to pick up his necessities, forgetting it was 'Matchmaking day'
He did all his shopping, loaded it up onto the cart, and, as an afterthought, he stopped to 'make a match' with a 'young one' who was standing at the side of the road 'looking for a man'.
They quickly made their bargain and he sits her up on the back of the cart among the flour and potatoes and all the other groceries.
Eventually, they turn off the main road and onto the'Green' road up to his farm.
They hadn't gone half a mile when the poor animal stumbles.
"That's one", says the farmer.
Another mile and the ass stumbles again.
"That's two", he says.
A few miles later the poor beats stumbles again.
That's three" he says, and turning around, he takes an ash plant (club), he walks around to te front of the animal and strikes it a might blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead.
Well - the young one leaps off the cart and lets fly with a mouthful of verbal abuse;
"What did you do that for - the poor animal didn't deserve that - you loaded the cart up far too heavy for a beast that old to manage, and anyway, what are we going to do now - it's getting dark and it looks like its coming on to rain and there's no sign of a house in sight........"
"That's one".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:41 AM

To follow Jim's last joke......

(Similar situation)

"The bad news is, sorry, we've cut of the wrong leg".
"But the good news is the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers".

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 06:03 AM

Keep ' em coming, Jim. I've had me owld mum in stitches on the other end of the phone three times already!

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 03:52 AM

You're welcome, plenty more where that came from
From the same source
An old farmer working in his field, jagged his leg on a piece of rusty barbed wire.
He didn't do anything about it and after while it became so painful that he was forced to go to Ennis Hospital - the wound was so bad that they immediately admitted him.
He was told that the leg had become gangrenous and would have to be removed.
After the operation he was visited by his neighbour, who asked how he was.
"Good and bad" he replied.
"How do you mean, good and bad?"
"They operated last night, but they cut the wrong leg off"
"That's terrible."
"Not too bad, the other one's getting better".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,DrWord
Date: 03 Mar 15 - 09:30 PM

Jim - Thanks for sharing.

dennis

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Mar 15 - 04:01 AM

We spent time over a couple of years in London with an elderly traditional singer/dancer who had left his home in County Clare in Ireland as a young man and never returned, but he brought away a whole load of stories and songs which he generously allowed us to record, among them being many dozens of rural 'yarns' which were, in fact reduced folk tales.
"An old farmer and his wife living high up on the Burren, a vast isolated limestone area in North Clare, spent their lives living alone, tending their small farm and doing little else other than when, each Friday, the wife would take the ass and cart into the local town of Lisdoonvarna for necessary supplies; other than that, one day was pretty much the same as another.
One morning, quite uncharacteristically, the farmer's wife carefully made herself, combed her hair, put on her best dress and announced she was going into town.
The farmer thought to himself, "it must be an anniversary or something - maybe my luck's in tonight"
So, when she left, he set about cleaning the house from top to bottom, laying the table with the best crockery and cutlery and placing candles all round the kitchen.
He ended by paying especial attention to the bedroom, where he re-made the bed with the freshest linen, plumped up the pillows, went out to the field and picked a Gentian flower and carefully laid it on top of the bed - again he placed candles around the room to produce a romantic atmosphere.
Just as he was finishing, he happened to look under the bed, where he saw a wooden box he had never seen before, which he took out, placed on the bed and opened, inside he found a wad of paper money, on the of which were neatly set two hens eggs.
When she returned home, he confronted her with the box.
She slumped down in a chair, hung her head and confessed, "I have to tell you Mike, I've been unfaithful to you, and every time I was, I went into the yard, took an egg from under the hen and placed it in the box to remind me not to do it again"
He stood stunned for a minute, then he said, "Well, after thirty years marriage, hard work and living up here alone together, I suppose that the two times you have been unfaithful is understandable, but what's all this money, there must be hundreds of pounds?"
"Well", she said, "whenever the eggs got to a dozen, I took them down into town, sold them to the shop and put the money by for our old age"".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 05:55 PM

Jim Carroll: Perhaps the most amiable of the dirty-word jokes:
A sailor home on leave enlivened the dinner table by asking someone to pass the goddamn butter. He was so embarrassed that he didn't say a word the rest of the meal. Afterward his mother said, "Don't be crushed. We all know how sailors talk." He said, "I know, Ma, it's just that I'm sure the next time I open my mouth, I'll fuck up again."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 08:47 AM

While I'm still in a good mood
A younfg man was driving his girl home after a dance when she suggests that they stop somewhere quiet for a while - so he pulls up inside the open gate of a field and they begin kissing and fondling.
After a while he whispers to her, "get in the back" - he replies "no".
They go on doing what they're doing for a while, till he tries again, "get in the back" - same reply, "no".
A third time he tries with the same result, so, in fury and highly frustrated and over-heated, he slams the car into gear and drives her home.
When they arrive at her home, he reaches across and opens the door, still in a fury and she gets out, extremely upset.
"Why didn't you want to get in the back?", he asked, as she walks away.
"I wanted to stay in the front with you", she replied.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 08:13 AM

A visitor being taken around a farm spots a pig with a wooden leg and bursts out laughing.
The farmer turns on him and berates him for mocking the poor animal
"Don't laugh at that pig - it save my life twice. Last year I was coming home having had too much to drink and I fell in the pond - like a shot it jumped in and pulled me out by the collar.
Then a few months later, my tractor overturned in the top field with me under it and that pig ran over, scraped the earth from underneath me and dragged me out - I was in hospital for a month and would have died if it hadn't saved me."
The visitor apologied profusely and asked, " But why has it got a wooden leg?"
"You don't eat an animal like that all in one go!"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Monique
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 05:23 AM

Dawn is getting near. Vampires are back in their crypt. "I haven't had my fill of blood, I must go back" "Don't be a fool, it's too late!" "I'll be quick, just a couples of minutes". A couple of minutes later, he's back, his mouth dripping with blood. "Wow! You were fast! Where did you go?" "See that lamp post over there?" "Yes" "I didn't".

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 04:30 AM

A young man training to be a priest was walking around the grounds of the seminary and, coming to a stile, he climbs, trips and lands face down in the mud.
"oh shit!"
"Oh fuck! I said shit".
"Oh shit, I said fuck!"
"Ah bollocks! I didn't want to be a priest anyway".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 07:50 PM

Ah, yes. Another little girl was fascinated by the painters who were redecorating her house. At dinner she used some language she had heard from them, and her mother was scandalized. "Those are not words for a young lady to use. Go out and get a switch." "Fuck you, ma, that's an electrician's job."

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 11:58 AM

A sweet little girl lived with her mother next door to a building site and, feeling a bit lonely, she would stand at the wire fence all day watching the men working.
One day, one of them spotted her and brought her on to the site where they found her an old chair so she could sit and watch them work in comfort.
When she came back the following day, they clubbed together, bought her a pink overall, a pink hard-hat, a pink lunchbox with a few sandwiches in it, and a little pink cup which they filled with lemonade.
At the end of the week they handed her a pink pay-packet with a pound note in it as wages.
She ran home and handed it to her mother, who said, "that's nice dear, will you be working there again next week?"
"It depends on whether those pricks at the builders merchants deliver the blocks on time", she replied.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 11:15 AM

Like the menu in the German restaurant - the wurst is yet to come.

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 01:37 AM

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food... but no atmosphere.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 28 Feb 15 - 10:27 PM

Is that another Darwin joke?

One young ostrich says to its sibling upon seeing the mother get up from sitting on a citrus fruit: Look at the orange mama laid.

Subject: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Feb 15 - 09:13 PM

-Mom, why does brother's beak look different?
-I was always afraid you'd ask this... well, don't tell anyone, but your brother is adapted.