BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes

Subject: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: LadyJean
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 10:56 PM

The local post office only had 3 people on duty this morning. The one at the counter was new at her job. I had a 90 minute wait. It was improved by one nice guy, who told a bunch of awful jokes. I thought I'd share a few.

What do Elves learn in school?
The elphabet.

How do you tell a snow man from a snow woman?
Snowballs.

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a frog on his head.   The psychiatrist asked, "can I help you?" The frog said, "Yes, get that man off my butt."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: cnd
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 11:26 PM

Ivan and Natasha are walking down the street in Soviet Russia. As they are walking, it begins to rain. Ivan turns to Natasha and says, "Hey look Natasha, it's starting to snow." "No," Natasha says, "it's merely raining." The couple continues to walk, debating whether it's raining or snowing. Finally, they pass their factory, where they see Officer Rudolph, a member of the KGB. "Rudolph," Ivan calls out, "is it raining or snowing?" "Raining, comrade," Rudolph responds. "See, honey?" Natasha asks, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 11:47 PM

CND, I told a similar story with that same punchline at Sat. A.M. coffee group today. Great wits and all that. Am I at least half right?

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: cnd
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 11:56 PM

I just put it here because it's probably the best corny joke I can think of. Which could either mean it's a decent corny joke or a really corny joke. I'll let you decide which one you want it to be.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:21 AM

Guy walks into a psychiatrist' office and says, "Doc, no one will talk to me."

Doctor says, "Next."


Guy walks into a psychiatrist' office and says, Doc, my physician says I only have 6 months to live, what should I do?"

Doctor says, "Wanna sell your watch?"

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 03:32 AM

I don't give a shit who you are fatso, get them fucking reindeer off my roof !

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 05:00 AM

Watch it Dave, before you get [Saint] Nicked for breach of the Sanity Clause!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Michael
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 06:51 AM

There aint...

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 10:52 AM

Psychiatrist "So... how can I help you?"

Patient on couch mumbles something in a low voice: ......................

Psychiatrist:"What was that?"

Patient:" I said, I don't see why people don't like me! Open your ears, fathead!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 11:10 AM

What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?
One's weasily recognised and the other's stoatally different.

Long one shortened:
Man comes home from an exhibition with an egg he's been given by Indians in the Amazonian Jungle - he had been informed that it belonged to the Rary Bird.
He puts in on display on his sideboard and one morning he comes down to find it had hatched into a somewhat ugly but rather large chick which eventually grown into a massive flightless bird
The bird follows him around wherever he goes, eats everything it is given and eventually fills the entire room with its enormous bulk, so the man's wife tells him it will have to go.
He managed to manhandle it onto the back of his truck and he drives off until eventually he comes to a river running through a deep ravine -
He backs the truck up to the edge of the ravine and gets out to let down the back flap in order to tip the bird into the river.
The bird looks at him with large, soulful eyes and says, "that's a long way to tip a Rary".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 11:37 AM

What's green and melts when the sun comes out?



Frosty the Snotman.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 12:26 PM

Hey, this was supposed to be a thread about 'bad jokes'...and that one was funny!!!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:18 PM

A man goes into a psychiatrist's and takes off his hat, revealing a plate of egg and chips. He say "I'm terribly worried about my brother"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:27 PM

What's white and crawls up your leg? Uncle Ben's perverted rice!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:29 PM

..... and so, the turtle says, "Have you seen my new people-neck sweater?"
                   from Boy's Life about 65 years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 07:00 PM

Man goes into the Dr's office with a carrot stuck in his ear and a string bean hanging out of his nose and says "Doc, I'm not feeling well". The Doctor replies, "To begin with, you're not eating right."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 07:33 PM

Anaesthetist in the Intensive Care Unit says to unconscious patient on a ventilator: "Terribly sorry Mr X, we need your plug for the ward Christmas tree lights".

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: beeliner
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 09:04 PM

This is the worst one I've ever heard:

"A mental hospital in northern California's facilities were deemed to be obsolete, so it was closed down.

The inmates/patients were loaded into an airplane to be taken to a more up-to-date facility in the southern part of the state.

Halfway through the flight, engine trouble developed, the plane went down, and the pilot and co-pilot were killed."

End of story. Then the listener almost always asks, "What about the patients?"

"Oh, they were OK - they were bats!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 01:11 AM

Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?

Oh, some asshole's got my pencil.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 11:11 AM

Jim Carroll--You must be really old, or no bad joke ever dies. I heard the Rarry Bird story way back in the the 1950s.

Along those lines from the same period:
One of the deadliest of avians is the Foo Bird. You will die if you're hit by its droppings and wipe it off. Advice: If the Foo shits wear it.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Louie Roy
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 12:44 PM

I saw a little boy going down the road with his teenie weenie wagon

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 12:48 PM

Oh, but everyone knows the old·uns are the best.
.,,.

"I say, old chap, did I really see you eating peas out of a ladle?"

"That was no ladle; that was my knife!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: cnd
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 01:23 PM

While riding home from work, a Yuppie businessman suddenly realizes it's his wedding anniversary. He hightails it to a florist's shop, arriving five minutes before the store's closing. Unable to remember his wife's favorite type of flower, the harried exec allows the sales clerk to sell him a miniature palm tree. As he pulls into his driveway, he suddenly remembers the elusive kind of flowers – anemones – but, too late.
When he presents his wife the palm, he says "Happy Anniversary, honey. I'm sorry I didn't get you your favorite flowers." "No problem," responds the elated wife, "with fronds like this , who needs anemones!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Ian
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 02:37 PM

A man went into the doctors complaining he couldn't hear.

The doctor looked and he had jelly in one ear and custard in the other

The doctor said I'm afraid you're a trifle deaf!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 04:51 PM

A cinema in Barcelona burned to the ground whilst screening a film to a packed audience. The police said most perished in the stampede to the only way out.

Don't put all your basques in one exit.

Anonymous posting is a blessing.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: clueless don
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 08:23 AM

Bill D, here's another one from Boy's Life, probably from the 60s:

"Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I buy a new hat."
"Oh, so that's where you get them!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 09:00 AM

Young Donald bought an oil lamp at a NYC antique store. At home he was having fits that his dad had refused to lend him money and began furiously rubbing the lamp when a Genie appeared out of vapor and exclaimed "I'll be a son of a bitch !!"
" I will grant you one wish so make it a good one. "
Donald said, my BIG mouth has always gotten me in so much trouble so from now on no matter what I say I want to be wildly successful with all women, with all business and anything else I desire.

"IT IS DONE!
and now a warning, if you ever apologize it will all be undone."

Forty years later old Trump finds himself at the Presidential Debate screaming at Hillary to apologize.

Hillary says something but it seems her mike is off.
Donald screams "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Hillary appears to say something again.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU" yells Donald.
Hillary looks right at Donald and says something.
" I'M SORRY I CAN"T... Donald's head instantly vaporizes leaving only some perfectly styled hair on his neck.
Hillary's mike goes back on picking up her remark
'I'll be a son of a bitch."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bainbo
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 09:34 AM

GUEST 04:51 – You're right. Anonymous posting is a blessing. Your joke would only work if Barcelona was in the Basque Country. Which it isn't.

If you're planning on re-telling it a lot, to make yourself the life and soul of the Christmas season, try substituting Bilbao.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 10:29 AM

So... a panhandler stops a guy on the street and says: "Pardon me, sir, I'm homeless. Could you spare $5,000 to help me out?"

"What? $5,000? Are you crazy?"

"I'm just putting all my begs in one ask it."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Bob Hitchcock at work
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 12:40 PM

A lady goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I need some contradictive pills".

The doctor sys "Madam I think your ignorant".

Lady says "yes I am, three months"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 01:08 PM

Woman goes to a furniture store and asks for a sexual sofa.
The sales person corrects her--you mean a sectional sofa.
Sexual, sectional, whatever. I just want an occasional peace.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 01:09 PM

peace should be piece. too many holiday greeting messing with my spelling.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Leadfingers
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 01:15 PM

Guy arrives at a Christmas Theme party naked except for a pair of lace trimmed French knikers - When asked how they fit thr thrme , he says "they're Carols"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 07:42 PM

Guy arrives at a fancy dress party with a beautiful, naked young woman riding piggyback.

"What have you come as?" asked the host.

"A tortoise!" exclaimed the man.

"Well what's that naked woman on your back?"

"That's Michelle!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 03:38 AM

Dammit kids!!...How many times have I told you NOT TO DO That..or you'll GO BLIND!!!?????!!!!











































                                              hey Dad. we're over here

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 04:59 AM

A bloke goes to a party wearing a foil tart case as a codpiece.

What have you come as? Said the host.

An emotion, he replied.

I'm fucking dis custard.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Hamish
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 10:43 AM

Would you remarry if I were to die?
I guess so.
Oh. Would you live in this house?
Probably.
Would you sleep in this bed?
Why not?
Would you play golf with your new wife?
I expect so.
Would she use my clubs?
No. She's left-handed.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 11:10 AM

The Catalan thank you for the correction, Bainbo!

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 11:24 AM

2 girls go to a photographer for a portrait.

The photographer bends down and covers his head with a black cloth... (yes, *I* remember that.)

1st girl to friend: "What's he doing there?"

2nd girl: "He's gonna focus."

1st girl: "What!? Both of us?"

-----------------------------

My father told us kids that over 60 years ago. My mother yelled at him for it.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Mad jock
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 11:29 AM

I don't care what star you are following ! Get those camels out of my garden!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Newport Boy
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 12:17 PM

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother: "Mum, the boys at school keep asking me to do handstands against the wall."

Mum: "That's just because they want see your knickers."

Little girl (scornfully): "I know that. That's why I keep my knickers in my schoolbag."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 01:19 PM

A teacher asked the class to bring in something medical for the next domestic science class.
Little Mary brings in a roll of bandage and some Germoline
"Very good Mary" says the teacher.
Tommy brings in some Iodine and a roll of cotton wool.
"Excellent Tommy".
Twenty minutes late, the tearaway of the class comes in trundling an iron lung - the teacher is flabbergasted.
"Where on arth did you get that Johnny"
"It's me dad's"
"Didn't he say anything when you took it?"
"yeah - aaaghhhhhhhh!"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 03:41 PM

A little girl at school unfortunately keeps losing control and wets herself in class. The teacher tries to be very supportive but the problem continues. She says to the girl" whenever you want to go just put your hand up."
A few days pass and the teacher is walking amost the classroom when she notices a small puddle under the little girls chair.
I thought I said just put your hand up she says sympatheticaly.
"I did" replies the girl... "But it trickled through my fingers."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 07:07 PM

Unfunny in the extreme.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 08:30 PM

Horribly spoilt brat refused to eat his dinner and just sat and sulked at the table.
His mother patiently attempted to mollify him - "look - tell me what you want to eat - anything - and I'll get it for you.
He sat and thought, and finally said "some worms".
"You mean spaghetti?"
"No", he pouted, "some real worms from the garden".
She remonstrated, and finally went out into the garden, gingerly picked out a few worms, washed them, chopped them up, put them in a bowl and placed them before him.
"Want some custard on them", he snarled.
Another argument, and finally she got some custard and poured it on the worms and placed it in front of him again.
He stared at her defiantly; "you try them first".
Determined not to give in this time, she refused, until at last she saw he wasn't going to eat anything until she did, so she closed her eyes and put a spoonful in her mouth.
He immediately flew into a tantrum and began to kick her under the table.
"What's the matter now?" she said, at the end of her tether.
"You've just eaten the bit I wanted".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 08:35 PM

Then there's the Welsh one - works fine in a lilting Welsh accent.
"What's this I've 'eard Mrs Jones, 'ave you been goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband's got a wart on the end of 'is Willie?"
"Oooooo! - I never said no such thing Mrs Evans - I only said it felt like it 'ad".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 08:37 PM

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 09:57 PM

The leader of a far country, called the Shan, was epileptic, and had a minder who was supposed to keep him from injuring himself. One day the minder had to go to the bathroom and the Shan had a seizure and fell off the balcony. The minder was asked in fury, Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 03:26 AM

Jim's has put me in mind of the dialogue, always for some reason in a Welsh accent:

"Have you heard about Megan?"

"No. What about her then?"

"Going to get married, she is."

"Pregnant, is it?"

"No."

"Oh, there is posh!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:00 AM

Two Welsh ladies conversing through the wall of their back-to-back lavatories at the bottom of their respective yards .
"Nnngg (straining) Is that you, Mrs Thomas?".
"Nnngg....! (also straining) It is Mrs Pugh"
"Nnnngggg....! Ow are you all doin'?"
"Nnnggggg...! Fine Mrs Pugh".
"Nnnggggg....! O'w's your 'ubby, still workin'?
"Nnnnnnggggg...! Fine Mrs Pugh"; we're all fine Mrs Pugh"
"Nnnngggg....! And your son Dai; 'aven't seen 'im for a long time"
"Nnnngggg....! 'e's fine as well; 'e's livin in Cardiff".
"Nnnnngggg....! Ooo – there's strange for you; what's 'e doin' there?"
"Nnnngggg.....! E's got a jb in the theatre; 'e's playin' 'amlet".
"Nnnnnnnnnnnuuuugggggggggggg!!! Oooo, that's a 'ard part.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:02 AM

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:54 AM

Swedish joke, though the Norwegians tell it the other way.

How do you sink a Norwegian Submarine? Done scuba gear and knock on the door.

How do you sink a Danish Sub? Lend it to the Norwegians.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:17 PM

What's dumber than a dumb Dane?
A smart Swede.

Subject: RE: Secret Santa 2015 Gift Echange
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 09:37 PM

Will exchange Waffle Bot for Columbian 12 string guitar.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Mad jock
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 06:03 AM

A man ran into a bar

OUCH!

It was an iron bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 06:28 AM

A man stepped into a bar and went "Squelch"

It was a Mars bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 04:32 PM

A dyslexic walked into a bra...

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 01:23 PM

Courtesy of a FB friend.......how did mary and Joseph know Jesus weighed exactly 2lb ,6ozs.................they had .....a weigh in the manger.....

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 01:37 PM

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 10:35 PM

Joseph tripped over a lamb, fell on the floor, and exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" "Say," said Mary, "Wonderful name for the kid."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 06:05 AM

Trainee priest walking through the Seminary grounds, falls face flat in the mud while climbing a stile
"Oh shit!! Fuck, I said shit!! Shit, I said Fuck!! Ah bollocks; I didn't want to be a priest anyway!!

Or;
A young novice is seduced by a priest.
Straightening down her habit, she says, "What am I going to tell the Mother Superior about allowing myself to be seduced twice?"
"But I only seduced you once".
"You're not in a hurry, are you?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 05:59 PM

An oldie but baddie:

"How's the wife?"
"She's in bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 06:11 PM

What do you call a highly regarded west coast spiritual medium with really bad breath?

A SuperCaliforniaPsychicExtraHalitosis.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 03:41 AM

Back in the old folk club days that some of us get nostalgic about, groaning yet excellent jokes tended to be delivered perfectly by the late lamented Tony Capstick. I can still picture him now, with his one liners whilst tuning his guitar;

What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on.

What have Lobster Thermidor and a blow job got in common? You don't get either in our bloody house.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 04:47 AM

A young couple were driving home from as dance when he pulls the car into a quiet country land and they began fumbling and fondling.
After a while he says, "Get in the back seat" and she replies "No".
They continue their passionate shenanigans until the car steams up and he says again "Get in the back seat", to which she replies "No".
Eventually, after several tries, he becomes so frustrated and angry that he pushes her into her seat, slams the car into gear and races off at a great rate until they come to her front door, where he says, "Get out".
Tearfully, she dos so, and as she disappears up the path he asks after her, "Why wouldn't you get into the back seat?"
"I wanted to stay in the front, with you".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 05:57 AM

Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter?
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 09:13 PM

Jim: "Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter?"

They tried to tell him...but he wouldn't hear of it!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 10:06 PM

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naa!
(This one works in French too: Pom-pom-pom-poomme)

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 04:20 AM

Think I might have told this before but I think it' worth re-telling.
An elderly couple farmed a rough piece of land on The Burren (about ten miles north of here)
The farm was about four miles outside of Lisdoonvarna and the only time either of them ever got out was the occasional time she cycled in to do the shopping.
One morning the man got up to find his wife dressed up in her Sunday clothes, ready to go out - the told him she was going to Lisdoon to have her hair done.
He began to think it was some sort of an occasion, an anniversary maybe, so he decided to use it to his advantage to try and make a romantic night of it, which they had long given up - too tired after a hard day's work.
He set about cleaning the house from top to bottom, dusted everything, shined the brass doorknobs... till the house was spotless.
Then he got out the best china, laid the table ready for a meal and placed candles round the room.
Finally, he changed all the linen on the bed, more candles, got some flowers from the field and placed them in a jar beside the bed, with a couple between the sheets.
Just as he was having a final look around he spotted a chest under the bed he had never noticed before, which he drew out and opened, only to find if was crammed full of paper money and right on the top, two hen's eggs.
When she came back from Lisdoon, he confronted her, demanding to know about the content of the chest.
She looked flustered and finally said, "Pat, I have a confession; I've been unfaithful to you, and each time, I was so ashamed that I took an egg from the hen-coop and placed it in the box to remind me of my sin".
He was stunned, but after a little thought, he finally said, "Well, after nearly fifty years of marriage, I suppose two lapses is understandable; but what about the money?"
She said, "well each time the number of eggs reached ten, I took them into Lisdoon, sold them in the market and put the money aside for a rainy day".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 09:44 AM

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entedre, so the barman gave her one.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 01:50 PM

WARNING: Working blue here and possibly non-PC.

How do you make a Jewish American Princess scream in bed?

After you service her you get up and wipe off your pecker on the drapes.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 04:26 PM

How do you know when a Barnsley lass has an orgasm?

She drops her bag of chips

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 07:02 AM

A man walks into a doctor's surgery, places his penis on the desk and says, "what do you make of that?"
The doctor closely examines it for a long time and finally announces, "Sorry, can't find anything wrong with it".
The man calmly puts it back in his pants, zips up and walks out saying, "Nope, it's pretty near perfect, isn't it?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 07:10 PM

What's the difference, since we're going there, speaking of double entendres, between a nymphomaniac, a hooker, and a Jewish American Princess?

The nympho says, Is that all?
The whore says, That's all!
And the JAP says (looking upwards)... Peach. I think I'll paint it...peach.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 07:38 PM

I have notified the Dyslexic Defense League to use Mrrzy for a million dollars.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: beeliner
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 11:56 AM

I contributed one earlier as the worst I'd ever heard, but I just remembered another that's even worse, so here it is:

In a small town, two gentlemen, unrelated, passed away on the same day. Their bodies were, of course, taken to the local
mortuary along with clothing for the burial.

After the mortician had done his work, the two families were invited to preview the departed gentlemen prior to the visitations.

One of the deceased was wearing his conservative double-breasted suit, the other a somewhat sportier outfit.

Each family thought that the other gentlemen's clothing was more attractive and they asked the mortician if a switch could possibly
be made.

"No problem", said the mortician, "we'll take care of it right away."

Next day, at the visitation, both families were pleased with the attire of the deceased and thanked the mortician profusely for his
time and trouble.

"Oh", replied the mortician, "it really wasn't much trouble, we just switched heads."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: beeliner
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 07:29 PM

From Joe F.:"Joseph tripped over a lamb, fell on the floor, and exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" "Say," said Mary, "Wonderful name for the kid."

I heard it a bit differently:

Joseph is working in his carpentry shop, suddenly, little Jesus runs in and asks "Dad, did you call me?"

"No, son", said Joseph, "I just hit my thumb with a hammer!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 04:25 AM

A Zebra on an exchange visit to an English farm, wanders around introducing himself to all the inhabitants.
He spies a sheep, trots over and says, "what are you??"
"I'm a sheep"
"And what do you do?"
"Well, I eat grass all day, every so often I'm taken to the shed, my wool is cut off to make clothes, and when I die my meat will be used to feed people and my fleece will make rugs and more clothes".
"Very good"; the Zebra trots off until he meets a horse; "What are you and what do you do?"
"I'm a horse; I'm fed and groomed; I give visiting children rides, sometimes pull about heavy machinery and when I die my hide will be used to make leather for shoes".
The Zebra trots off and eventually comes across a chicken; "What on earth are you and what could you possibly do?".
"I'm a chicken; I lay eggs for breakfast, and when I die my meat will be used to feed people".
Next, a cow, "I'm a cow, I graze all day, I give buckets and buckets of milk and when I die I'll be used to feed and clothe people - I'm probably the most useful animal on the farm".
Finally, the Zebra trots off to the farm end of the farm where he spots an enormous great bull.
He trots over and says, "I suppose you're another cow?"
The bull glowers at him; "Fuck off - I'm a bull".
"And what do you do?"
"Get those fuckin' pyjamas off and and I'll show you".
Jim Carroll