BS: Rap for emperor

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Apr 17 - 04:57 PM

It's Imperious Rex's Minister of De Fence!

What's new and different at the front gate?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: frogprince
Date: 23 Apr 17 - 04:42 PM

Faint praise, indeed, for a man of such stature...

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Apr 17 - 07:49 PM

Rapaire may not be a real emperor or possess many of the traits his title proposes Amos, however there are a few things he does experience or have, instead of just thinking of doing or having;

If he were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume.

He once ran a marathon, because it was on his way.

Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect.

If he were to mispronounce your name, you would feel compelled to change it.

If opportunity knocks, and he's not home, opportunity waits.

His mother has a tattoo that reads: 'Son'

His two cents is worth $37 in change.

Once, a rattlesnake bit him. After five days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died.

When he has a 50/50 shot, the odds are 80/20 in his favor.

He has won the lifetime achievement award, twice.

His words carry weight that would break a less interesting man's jaw

He taught Trump how to exaggerate.

He gave his father "the talk"
His passport requires no photograph
When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
His 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
His feet don't get blisters, but his shoes do
He once went to the psychic, to warn her
If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
Whatever side of the tracks he's currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he'll still be on the right side
He can speak Russian… in French
He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
Superman has pajamas with his logo
His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
The circus ran away to join him
Bear hugs are what he gives bears
He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
His friends call him by his name, his enemies don't call him anything because they are all dead
He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn't be dark
He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
He can kill two stones with one bird
His signature won a Pulitzer
When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
The dark is afraid of him
Sharks have a week dedicated to him
His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
He once made a weeping willow laugh
He lives vicariously through himself
His business card simply says 'I'll Call You"
He once taught a german shepherd how to bark in spanish
He bowls overhand
In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
He is allowed to talk about the fight club
He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle
A bird in his hand is worth three in the bush
His lovemaking has been detected by a seismograph
The Holy Grail is looking for him
Roses stop to smell him
He once started a fire using only dental floss and water
His sweat is the cure for the common cold
Bigfoot tries to get pictures of him
Werewolves are jealous of his beard
He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian
He once won the world series of poker using UNO cards
He never wears a watch because time is always on his side
He has taught old dogs a variety of new tricks
He has won the lifetime achievement award… twice
If opportunity knocks, and he's not at home, opportunity waits
Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about him
When he was young he once sent his parents to his room
He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels
His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man's entire body
His blood smells like cologne
On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. His hands feel like rich brown suede
Mosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respect
He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks
Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut
Panhandlers give him money
When he goes to Spain, he chases the bulls
His shadow has been on the 'best dressed' list twice
When he holds a lady's purse, he looks manly
Two countries went to war to dispute HIS nationality
When in Rome, they do as HE does
His pillow is cool on BOTH sides
The Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from HIM
While swimming off the coast of Australia, he once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with his right han
He taught Chuck Norris martial arts
Time waits on no one, but him
Once he ran a marathon because it was "on the way"
His mother has a tattoo that says "Son"
The star on his Christmas tree is tracked by NASA
Presidents take his birthday off
His shirts never wrinkle
He has never walked into a spider web or got a paper cut
He is left-handed. And right-handed
His shirts never wrinkle
The police often question him, just because they find him interesting
His organ donation card also lists his beard
He doesn't believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders
His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him
Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores
Even his tree houses have fully finished basements
His garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the Bermuda triangle
If he were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it would
He's never lost a game of chance
He is the life of parties that he has never attended
He was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were his
He once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it back
His wallet is woven out of chupacabra leather
He played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and won
Freemasons strive to learn HIS secret handshake
If he was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume
He is considered a national treasure in countries he's never visited
Cars look both ways for him, before driving down a street
He once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn't take
He has inside jokes with people he's never met on BS
Bikers walk their motorcycles past his home
He is indeed, the most exaggerated man in the world greater than the Donald.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 22 Apr 17 - 05:22 PM

Imperious Rex's imperial Spouse has had a hectic time of it. Hope she is having a well-deserved rest and continues to progress in her recovery.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 17 - 11:07 PM

We are not a scheming rogue, such as those who reside around the "District of Columbia." Indeed, Our Imperial Spouse deliberately left that area (in which She was born and raised) when She was 17. She found it too stifling and much too small of a town for Her taste.

For much the same reason We left Our hometown.

Patricia is doing well after Her surgery eight days ago. She has little stamina, but that will return.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 17 - 04:55 PM

Will Iceland be the key to your Imperial Corporate Inversion scheme?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Apr 17 - 03:10 PM

And sending well-wishes to the convalescent Imperial Spouse.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Apr 17 - 01:45 PM

Thinking of Rap the Rapturous as his Imperial Spouse prepares for surgery tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Apr 17 - 03:32 PM

We suggest the lined, military grade, body bags here. We also suggest that you look at their protective apparel, as We know from experience what moving a leaking body bag can entail.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex             ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: frogprince
Date: 11 Apr 17 - 09:32 AM

"a large SASE" I checked at Office Depot and they didn't have any that were even close to big enough; they suggested I look online for an odor-and-leak-proof body bag.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Apr 17 - 09:11 AM

"...he don't have...."

We are pleased that We did not name you Imperial Grammarian instead of Imperial Nay-Sayer.

Also, We are pleased that you are fulfilling your charge as Imperial Nay-Sayer admirably. We shall, for the moment, overlook that you are nay-saying about Us.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Amos
Date: 11 Apr 17 - 12:06 AM

I have decided to seell Rapaaire. You all know his history. I will sell him for fifty cents $US, which is damn cheap. Four bits and you can have him lock, stock and barrel of horsepucky.

You have heard how he has been called Imperial Grace, the Good, the Strong the Brave, Molder of the Sea and Master of the Lands, the Gracious and Benevolent. And in light of all these virtues, you well may ask why I would sell him for so little. And I will tell you why.

The reason is, he's a damn liar, you see. Truth is, he don't have NONE of them qualities.

Sent your four bits and a large SASE to me c/o the Mudcat and I will see you are treated fairly, for once.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 10:44 PM

We have posted the qualities suggested to Us and which We feel are the most significant descriptors of Us. We had promised to do this some time back. But We have not added those which describe Us in violent terms, such a Father of Blood Eagles even if they are sometimes pertinent to Our justice.

Donuel, We suggest you try Icelandic. Google Translate can help you.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 03:12 PM

What happened on the ill-fated cruise is that Emperpor Rapparee fell under the delusion that He is either the reincarnation of a really bad-ass Viking warrior or the living avatar of a minor Norse deity. One must suppose the novelty of being an omnipotent faux emperor has worn a bit thin, thus requiring His Emperiousness to delve into new realms of specious fantasy.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 08:56 AM

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex    
the Understanding, the Empathetic, the Commiserative, the Kindhearted, the Harmonious, the Accepted, Bane of the Base Born, Who saith, An hugrekki, An dyrð

___________
This is the biggest policy turn around since Trump fired missiles at Syria.
What happened on that comedy of errors cruise?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 09:27 PM

I listened to the whole thing.

Rap
You have stumped me. There are clues to a translation but they elude me. It stinks to be stumped, I think language remains my weakest link, you fink. Maybe the saying would look good in ink on the pink brink of my brow.

The Overture of Torture: Act -III, scene I.7

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 17 - 10:13 PM

Yes, We wish you a voyage better than Our last one.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          @            His Mark

the Understanding, the Empathetic, the Commiserative, the Kindhearted, the Harmonious, the Accepted, Bane of the Base Born, Who saith,

An hugrekki, An dyrð

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 Apr 17 - 07:04 PM

Bon voyage, Imperial Torturer and entourage.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 08 Apr 17 - 03:49 PM

Donuel... good one!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icIVqCUVF_A

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 09:40 PM

Perhaps it will permit Our ships to slip past Our enemies.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®          His Mark

the Sociable, the Credible, the Righteous, Shepherd Of His People, Vicar of Vicars, the Discrete, Successor to Njord, Tamer of Fenrir, Chainer of Jörmungandr, the Forebearing, Rider of Y Ddraig Goch, Dagda, the Good.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 03:51 PM

Our Imperial Alchemists have recently devised a truly frightening detergent. Applications for naval warfare are being studied. Please advise.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 11:30 AM

I bet you think this post is about you

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 09:42 AM

We are considering sending one or more of Our triremes to the seas around Norway, simply as a frightening deterrent. Their "drakken" long ships do not Us or Our Realm! We will have Our sailors throw tomahawks at them as a warning that if they do not do a better job of controlling their seas We will step in and do it for them and We will insure that they pay for it!

Yes, We are annoyed. We thought better of Norway!


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®       His Mark

The Magnanimous, the Invincible, the Just, the Merciful, Pontifex Maximus, the Forgiving, the kindhearted, the Dependable, the Classy, the Unblemished, the Apt, the Tolerable, the Irreprehensible, the Adroit, the Admirable (this list is incomplete, but choose two for use at any given time).

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 02:17 PM

A rogue wave. Then a shipwreck. And NO Northern Lights??? I dare say eyes will ROLL!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 01:57 PM

Rap the Rapturous and his Imperial Spouse are returned.
Trouble is brewing with the Barber-Chirurgiens.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 29 Mar 17 - 11:28 PM

Thank you, keberoxu, for your kind thoughts!

Right now we are waiting to hear from the insurance company which of two companies will be fixing the kitchen and laying what seems like several acres of new floor tiles. After that is done the new carpet can be laid and new furniture can be bought to replace that which had to be thrown out.

However, next Wednesday Himself and I will be setting out on an adventure. We are driving 720 kms south to Canberra, the capital of our realm, to attend the National Folk Festival and to visit family (our older son, his wife and our grandkid live in Canberra) before heading even further south for a coastal visit, then back home. We will be away for five weeks.

Himself was being slightly foolishly optimistic when he anticipated all the house repairs would be finished in a week or so. I kept telling him, no it won't be......and now he believes me.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 22 Mar 17 - 03:18 PM

And are now, together, on the cruise as planned.

Imperial Torture-atrix, how goes it with your domicile? Are you recovering from the flooding?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 Mar 17 - 01:12 PM

The faithful Gnu has posted elsewhere, that Mister and Missus Rapturous got beyond Winter Storm Stella, and made it to Oslo, Norway, praise be.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Mar 17 - 07:33 PM

His Imperial Rapness, if all the preceding were not enough, may have to contend with Winter Storm Stella as he heads for Norway...

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 12 Mar 17 - 04:13 PM

Best wishes on your foray to Norway, oh Great One!

Should you find a spare Viking or two hanging around doing nothing they are always welcome in the Imperial Oubliette. I'm sure they would have wonderfully refined ideas for the torture chamber.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Mar 17 - 02:58 PM

My people, We must away to capture Norway for Our Imperial Realm. Do not despair, as We will not forget you. A word to the Imperial Ignoramus and the Imperial Naysayer: We do not suggest that you attempt a coupe or revolution, as We have facilities to prevent such of which you have not even dreamed and We shall be checking in periodically.

The most winning title was "Emperor Rapparee, the Rapturous." Other titles will be announced after We have returned from Our campaign in Norway.



Emperor Rapparee the Rapturous             ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Mar 17 - 08:33 PM

Happy Sails to You, Imperious Rex, and Your Imperial Spouse.
By the time you get back, I might even have all of Bacchylides' original Greek data-entered on the Paean to Peace thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 09:05 PM

Quite well, and We thank you for your concern. The results of Our Naming contest are in and will be posted very soon.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 06:00 PM

Waiting, quietly and patiently, to hear how the MD treated his imperial patient.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 08:55 PM

They can read and listen. We do not feel it necessary to do more at this time. If anyone wants to blow We suggest May 2nd.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 02:09 PM

Emperor Emperious wrecks;

An Omen from the East.

Regarding Sir Amos, famous for his uncanny, incredibly lucky, impeccable sense of timing, It has been seen by many that he has moved from the west coast to the east. Our Royal soothsayers are in agreement that this means only one thing.

When will it be time to WARN West Coast Imperial dwellers that the obvious coming of Lord Tsunami is nigh?

We are now 124 years overdue for a west coast coastal disaster.
The royal soothsayers have agreed upon May 1st as the day the wave arrives.

When will we blow the horn of Gretchen and warn the western provinces?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 08:42 PM

We wouldn't do that. It is far, far too quick.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex         ®      His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 03:27 PM

I shudder, fellow imperial citizens, to think what might become of the barber-chirurgien if the splint comes off and then he says Nix to Norway Cruise. Let's hope the barber-chirurgien gets to remove that splint AND keep his head on his shoulders....

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Ed T
Date: 23 Feb 17 - 03:44 PM

How to (squeekingly)address an Emperor  

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Feb 17 - 12:51 PM

His Imperial Majesty should be aware that, unlike His recent hernia surgery, the reattachment of a bicep does not require shaving of the Imperial Pubic Region. If, perchance, our Emperor should awaken to find the Imperial Scrotum to be less forested than before the procedure, He should consider it a strong indication of either incompetence or undo familiarization. Sending the attending barber-surgeons and all their assistants on a visit to the Imperial Oubliette would be appropriate.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus (currently on leave)
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Feb 17 - 12:44 PM

Thinking of His Imperial Rapness,
and hoping his Imperial barber-chirurgiens render him fit for the Norway Cruise, which would be a lovely way to take his mind off having his arm in a sling or something.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 22 Feb 17 - 10:27 PM

5.30 A.M. Mudcat time is 9.30 P.M. on the same day in the Imperial Oubliette. We're always a bit ahead of ourselves here.

Sop while you are going Under The Knife suffering unspeakable nasties we will be tucked up in our beds, sleeping the sleep of the innocent.

Some of us will be innocent, anyway.....

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Feb 17 - 05:15 PM

We shall awaken around 5:30 a.m. Mudcat Time, which is 3:30 a.m. Imperial Time. Then We shall awaken The Creator, as she or he does not usually awaken that early. We shall present Ourself to barber-chirurgeons two hours later, and shall undergo their knives at 9:00 a.m. Mudcat Time, which is 7:00 a.m. IT. We should be in Our Own Imperial Bed before the noon meridian IT.

Take heart from Our sufferings! We do this for you, Our subjects, and especially for the Imperial Nay-Sayer who will all too soon experience the same or worse.



Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex         ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Feb 17 - 12:05 AM

We regret that we will not be able to ignore this thread for a couple of days due to the fortuitous arrival of the latest Tim Dorsey book on our coffee table.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus (currently on leave)
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 21 Feb 17 - 09:49 PM

Yikes, Sire! Those barber surgeons are getting their pound of flesh from you lately!

Best wishes for a speedy recovery from the indignities which will be inflicted upon you.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Feb 17 - 07:11 PM

Our Subjects!

Your Emperor must again put Himself into the hands of barber-surgeons. Thursday next We will present Our self so that Our Imperial Left Bicep can be rejoined with Our Imperial Radius And Ulna.

We do this as an example of forbearance and strength in the face of pain for you, Our subjects. Please let Our good example show you what you, too, could do if needful.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Amos
Date: 21 Feb 17 - 05:54 PM

Or, failing that, Chief Disabuser, iconoclast and Imperial Parade Rainer.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Feb 17 - 09:19 AM

We shall announce the results of the Imperial Flattering Name contest as soon as those of a degrading or scurrilous nature have been weeded out, along with those who made those submissions.

No, keberoxu, We do not think of you as the Imperial Torturer. That position has already been taken by Jennie G., but if you wish you might apply to her for an apprenticeship.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex         ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 21 Feb 17 - 12:28 AM

Bee-dubya-ell, we now have a new cat-o'-nineteen tails. Instead of knots at the business end of the ropes we have sharp little spiky blades. They get the job done quicker and more efficiently, and besides which - you wouldn't believe how much fun they are to use!

As damage to the Imperial Torturer and Spouse's living quarters are still being assessed from last month's flood, we are taking our fun where we can get it. There is, however, an upside to having no carpet......there is no need to worry about removing stains. Some miscreants leave a bit of a mess in the Oubliette and, try as we may, it isn't always possible to wipe one's shoes completely. The former carpet always showed unfortunate marks.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Feb 17 - 05:51 PM

I would like to express my sincere and heartfelt thanks to all the folks who have not posted to this thread for the last week. Being the Imperial Ignoramus (He Who Ignores) is a hard job to do alone. It's much easier when everybody else chips in. Together, we have successfully ignored this thread for seven days! Give yourselves pats on the back* and well-earned rounds of applause.

*The Imperial Torturer may wish to put the cat-o-nine-tails down before attempting to pat herself on the back.


Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His Mark <¡!>