BS: Rap for emperor

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Mar 16 - 12:14 PM

We agree with Our Imperial Game Warden's choice hereby name the Gnuis Umbilicus, known commonly as "gnu's bellybutton" as Our Realm's Official Bird, second only to the middle phalanges of Our Imperial hands. Jennie G., IT, may do as she will with those who malign or maltreat a gnu's bellybutton.

We create Severn as Royal Quartermaster and Uniform Maker as he is uniform in certain quarters which he has mastered and is, We find, cut from whole cloth without being warped or be weft of either honor or honour.


Give on this, the first day of March in the first year of Our Reign,

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex    (r) His alternate mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 29 Feb 16 - 05:19 PM

As I now carry weight (piss off) with his Royal, I declare, if he approves, the Smelt as the Official Fish of the Empire. Yes, The Atlantic Salmon is the King of Fish but it's all catch and release here now because the forestry industry has decimated the spawning grounds by silting up the very birthplaces of same.... SO VERY sad. So I say SMELT it!

As for the Official tree, I am torn. Of course I want the Maple. But the Silver Birch is near and dear to my heart. Why, that is where Bonasa Umbellus thrives. I suggested the Ruby Throated Hummingbird for the Official Bird but others wanted some lame fuckin duck over the nastiest most tenacious little motherfu...

So, I wish to nominate the bird that is nearest to my heart and stomach. Bonasa Umbellus. Now, I have, on previous threads, recounted that I USED to be a hunter and that I took over 2000 of these into my pots and frying pans. I do not hunt anymore... but if any of you get some and want to donate them to my stove... come ahead!

Now, the name is misleading. Bonasa = good when roasted. Yes... in January when you are arse deep in snow and hungry and you can make a fire way back in the woods. Other than that, fried in a pan with a rum toddy ta wash em down, well, there it is.

So BONASA UMBELLUS for the Emporer's Bird.

Hmmm... that didn't sound right.

Anyway... fuck a duck!

Subject: RE: BS: Wraps for the empire!
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 29 Feb 16 - 04:03 PM

Congratulations, gnu, and happy entrails you! A little scrapple do ya!

We have reservations even trepidations, but will show up anyway. I'm sure he'd be fronting a gnudist colony, if it were warmer......

How did I get to be uniform maker? I DID design the Emperor's New Clothes, and I tend to keep olddude in stitches, but as far as formal stitchery, SEW WHAT? I can recommend some good tailors-James, Koko, Livingston, Billy, Cecil, Eric. I own recordings by all, as I tend to like their choices in material. I will properly clothed-minded and try to do the best I can and overcharge like a wounded rhino (or was that a ruinded wino?), as is His Royalness' wish and give him a Royality Check off the top, as stipulated......

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 28 Feb 16 - 05:41 PM

Thank you, your Majesty. I have entered into talks with Troy but I doubt we can compete with Cabelas and Bass Pro Shops. The next order of business shall be the repeal of the times of legal hunting being designated as time of day. We shall return to the definition of hunting at night as being "Illegal to hunt with the aid of a light." I am confident this change will not increase the number of animals shot in the extremities of the front legs*.

* If you don't understand that, look up on a sunny day without a wide-brimmed hat or peaked cap.

Your esteemed Emperor and guest are invited to dine up country at the camp anytime. BYOB and reservations are required. Hey... it ain't a hotel, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Feb 16 - 01:53 PM

We may wear whatever We wish to regal ya.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 28 Feb 16 - 03:50 AM

Sounds good to me, Your Imperial Graciousness!

And what about Your Good Self and Her Regal Highness The Most Mighty Princess Patricia? Any thoughts on regalia?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Feb 16 - 02:09 AM

Your Emperor appreciates your interest in the Empire. Therefore We do proclaim and post the following Imperial Announcements:

Firstly, that gnu is appointed Imperial Head Game Warden with all of the rights and privileges appertaining thereunto. More, he can keep all entrails, blood trails, and hoppy-happy rabbit trails for his own use.

Secondly, there shall be an Imperial Uniform for all those not part Our Imperial staff, to whit, and this shall be worn by all men and women until they can afford to purchase better from

Thirdly, Our Imperial Uniform Maker, Severn, who shall charge whatever the traffic will bear, keeping always in mind Our cut of the take and the Imperial Torturer.

Fourthly, Our Imperial staff shall dress as they desire as it befits their station, save that those who chose not to so dress shall wear
this if a woman and this if a man. Thus We instill good fashion sense in Our Imperial staff.

Fifthly, We do appoint olddude as Our Imperial Public Relations Klaxon and do allow him 10% of all that he doth so relate.

Give this 27th day of February in the First Year of Our Reign,

Emperor Rapparee   (r) His Mark in another but valid style

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 27 Feb 16 - 01:14 PM

Chernobl blades work best

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: GUEST,The Donald
Date: 26 Feb 16 - 08:43 PM

That deal where we mixed Iridium 92 with gold was really great. Profits were 100%.

Also the Platinum like by products from old reactors has been better than a gold mine. Especially with our sales to dentists to use as filings.

We have some radioactive diamond deals that are greatest of all.

Call me when you want to deal' thanks Rap baby.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 26 Feb 16 - 04:04 PM

Ok I will ask the great potentate, or was it great potatoes.. I get so cornfused

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 26 Feb 16 - 03:41 PM

Oh, Dan. That's baaaad! >;-)

I nominate me for Chief Game Warden of the Empire on accounta I am game for it. Plus, I know how to poach... ahhh... I know the tricks of the trade so I can outsmart any war... ahhh... poacher. If appointed, my first act will be to hire Troy Landry to be Assistant to The Chief Game Warden, Moat Security. Troy will be more than able to ensure the gators in the moat do not cause any problems at The Emperor's Castle but we'll have to move fast on hiring Troy as his present employment is ending soon and I am sure he will sought by companies in the moat business.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 26 Feb 16 - 12:51 PM

No we lease the hounds, from michael Vick

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 26 Feb 16 - 12:03 PM

It's imperial potentate of purrwasion oh cousin of Kenny g

Subject: RE: BS: Ramp for enterer
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 09:00 PM

I'll just be a plain poet without a pair o' Keats or a single Shelley. And we never had a family crest that wasn't in a tube.....

Rap hasn't the Vegas notion, but like Liberace, he's an orderly sort who likes everything in its proper sequins......

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 08:25 PM

Oh no, no, no, Severn......I wasn't thinking of a uniform uniform for all His Imperialness's subjects, just those specifically in his service, i.e. the Imperial Bodyguard, the Empiratical Banjo Ensemble (or EBE), etc.

And perhaps for your good self, as Poet Parakeet? I can understand your wish to stand out from His Imperial Whatever's other subjects by your wit, so perhaps something amazing by way of headgear......something like this perhaps?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 08:15 PM

Was that lease the hounds, or loose the hounds ??

Oh goodness. I nearly typed, just now, Rugby Throated Hummingbirds. What ails my fingers!

Anyhow, the hummingbirds. It all depends on what you make of Las Vegas showgirls, because that's what the ruby throaters remind me of, sequins and all. Not for me to say whether or not the Emperor goes for showgirls in sequins.

Subject: RE: BS: Zap for hemperor
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 08:06 PM

Lime Lame, like the Young Elvis on St. Party's Night?

I don't think all your subjects need uniforms. We're not in Catholic School or anything. The Armed Services, however, could use some. I'm not sure what lime green and chartreuse camo would blend in with. Jennie sounds like one who would prefer Camel flogging to camoflauging, one who doesn't prefer to hide her charms....

However, all you Fashists, or whatever you call the fashion conscious (That would leave me out, as anyone who knows me would be the first to tell you), should submit your ideas on all this stuff. Flowers uniforms birds etc.

Speaking of birds, though, and getting back to gnu's contention that the Ruby Throated Hummingbird rules the avian kingdom rather than the Wren, try to imagine going out on St. Stephen's Day with your little box singing:

"A hummer, a hummer, is dead. What a bummer!
But we'll accept money from any comer
Although you're a lover of watching them hover....."

Awwww,enough already! You get the idea. It's just not the same. Maybe the Ruby Throat Boys should just hum tunes as they go door to door collecting money and assume people know what they're humming about, but I doubt it would prove effective.

Wrens are hard enough to catch, but you can at least stick a cork in the tiny entrance hole of one of the wooden houses folks put out in the yard for them and suffocate them. Try catching the wily hummer or even locate their nest. You could mix liquid arsenic with the contents of the hummingbird feeder in your yard and watch them suddenly plummit to the ground, I suppose....

Whaddaya think?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 06:01 PM

Your Gracious Goodness, will you be needing Our Imperial Torturer's presence on your visit to the Pacific Kingdom? I have in my possession three (3) ukuleles, a soprano, a tenor and a baritone (no castrato uke, and as yet, alas, no bass uke) so should you need something other than the Empiratical Banjo Ensemble (or EBE for short) to serenade you and Her Imperial Highness Patricia whilst boarding, sailing or embarking on your journeys I'm sure we could round up a few ukeists for the job.

Also, I have been meaning to ask......now that Your Empire is gaining a floral emblem, a state bird and a great seal, what about uniforms for your subjects? Do you have any ideas on this?

I personally myself am quite fond of lime green, and as Our Imperial Torturer feel sure that a chartreuse uniform would strike terror into the hearts of all who beheld it.

Subject: RE: BS: Rip for Armperor
From: Severn
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 04:11 PM

(With apologies to Tom Lewis)

Oh, Mother F*ck, bring me a duck
With beaks as sharp as razors
For him who dotes on Ruby Throats
And other such e-mailers....."

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 04:08 PM

Lol

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 04:07 PM

We lease the hounds, attack I say

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 04:04 PM

I love hummers, but the Hooded Merganser looks like a duck designed by a committee, which seems appropriate for the present regime.....

For a Ruby Throat to be truly King, he must have documented proof that he had perched on the back of the Wren who had perched on the back of the Eagle in that contest for the crown so long ago in Ireland....

Besides, I don't think that Rap wants any other legitimate monarchs around to pose any sort of threat to his seat of power. Not only could a Ruby Throat kick the ass of a fucked-up duck, I'd be tempted to give it good odds head-to-head against our Exalted Emperor....

Eh, gnu, brew? Tay?.....It's my round.....

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 03:16 PM

"The Hooded Merganser as the official bird."??? Fuck a duck! Nay, nay, nay!

The Ruby Throated Hummingbird is the King of all birds. Why, an Hbird could kick the living shit out of any number of ducks, Daffy or not. The Hbird is exactly what the Empire needs to strike back against the oppression of large, foul tasting fowl. Duck? Yuck! I say The Ruby RULES! Who's with me? If you are not with me... DUCK! Them little buggers got sharp beaks!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Rope for the emperor
From: Severn
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 03:07 PM

Dan DeLion. Staglee shot his brother, didn't he?

I nominate The Venus Flytrap.

The Hooded Merganser as the official bird.

The Sea Lion as the official Great Seal of The Republic.

And we need a flag design......

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 02:28 PM

I would like to nominate as The Official Flower of The Empire the Chrisaanthamum... Crysanthemom... Chrys... Dandelion.

Subject: RE: BS: Reap for Grimperor
From: Severn
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 01:18 PM

"Proper Native Behavior", that is. Sorry! I type like a Ha-wino on the Dole. I'll start taking my pineapple juice straight from now on.....

Oh, and, virtuoso uke-arist that you are, don't go playing "Lava Come Back To Me" while standing on Mona Loa.....

Subject: RE: BS: Rump for apperor
From: Severn
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 01:08 PM

Maybe I need to write a book so that everybody can tell me how much better it was than the movie, and a book club choice, besides. However, I'd need money to finance either of those things. Can I get a grant from The Rappire's Council for the Arts. I was denied by the New England Council for the Auts, as I wasn't autistic enough, and they wouldn't put it on paper......(Sigh!). I guarantee that the readers will be turning pages over even faster than our Congressfolk.....

Your Royal Hyenas, please remember the probre native behavior when sailing in Hawai'i. When you're sailing away into the sunset, you turn back to the shore and cry out "ALOHA!". When you are sailing into the SUNRISE, you point your finger at the sun and cry out "DAWN, HO!"

Good luck on their submission, should they choose to accept it. They may just take you for one of those impossible missionaries......

Should we refer to our Affairs of State (along with our state of affairs) just as "Govern" until we detect proof of anything "Mental"?......

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Feb 16 - 12:54 AM

We will shortly proclaim more proclamations during this, Our imperial visit to the Kingom of Hawai'i to accept their submission and pledges of fealty to Us.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 24 Feb 16 - 12:02 PM

Lol you need to write a book, so I can club you with it Lol priceless. Can't stop laughing

Subject: RE: BS: Emp for raperor
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 24 Feb 16 - 11:48 AM

I thought you were Count Noah. My missed steak, though I can see the deep Dukey side of you, olddudoo. A Discount Viscount would have been my choice for you.....

If the early bird gets the worm, what does the early Duke get?.....

When you die, will you be The Late Duke Of Early or merely The Duke Of Late?......

Wouldst thou put up thy dukes against The Count Of Knight?.....

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Feb 16 - 07:15 PM

....of early whereabouts?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 23 Feb 16 - 06:30 PM

I am not a count, I am a duke of early

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 23 Feb 16 - 03:32 PM

On all counts?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 22 Feb 16 - 07:36 PM

Correct Severn

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 22 Feb 16 - 07:25 PM

Hey, olddude! Get a half-life.....

Does this mean I can empty out my piggy bank into a nuclear reactor and work toward tests to make us a World Power?

Any anium of yours is an anium of mine.

Remember the song "Watching Scotty Glow"? Was that Steve Goodman?.....

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: frogprince
Date: 22 Feb 16 - 05:38 PM

Speaking of troll booths

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 22 Feb 16 - 11:44 AM

In order to keep inflation down all of our coins are made of highly active uranium. This also spurs the economy by people passing them off to others as soon as they get them. That's why our economy is so strong even if some people have three ears and seven fingers. A small price to pay

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 22 Feb 16 - 11:44 AM

In order to keep inflation down all of our coins are made of highly active uranium. This also spurs the economy by people passing them off to others as soon as they get them. That's why our economy is so strong even if some people have three ears and seven fingers. A small price to pay

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 21 Feb 16 - 03:45 PM

.......And worth every damn penny!

Affordable Art! Even in....uhhhh.....what are they calling the Empire's currency these days?......

I've found that, at least locally, the Empire's currency can't be passed, which bodes ill for the future. I'm swept away by this currency and am unable to reach the banks. Our treasurer informs me that they will forge ahead, nonetheless, nonethemore....

Say, who IS our treasurer, anyway? Whoever it is, Rap should make them a Count for themselves (Or a Countess, if applicable)....

Hey! How come all the various coins have different women's faces on them that all claim to be pictures of Acme? Will they get us through the troll booths? (In the Empire, we apparently get charged for passing UNDER bridges)....

A copper whatever for your thoughts......

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 21 Feb 16 - 02:55 PM

Can't stop laughing, you are priceless Severn

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 21 Feb 16 - 02:04 PM

Reply to Famous Future Last Words----"Oui, je suis Big Mick!....". Some of us retain a bit of our first year French......Followed, of course, with a chorus of "He Ain't Gonna Reigh No More" (or even arraign)......

If they're not tan, why not call them "Orange Gerines"? They DO put the 'tang' in 'tangibles'....

Shofar?--No good! Surely, our musicians could use a good conch or two upside the head Strombus gigas, preferably. Nothing like a little shell shock to raise the general conch-iousness. As long, of course, as they don't end up sounding like Lawrence's Whelk Orchestra, or the like. Lawrence should go back to being a Floren Contractor. A band with accordians that SHOULD be banned, even "The Gossipal Accordian To Lawrence" show on Sundays.......

I'm sure Jennie will be known as "the one who put the 'dung' in dungeons" for eons to come......

Speaking of dung, someone please give me the password, or at least the rest room key, or some words WILL pass, among other things....

After that, if I'm going to Grand Fenwick, I'd better go pack my Duchy Bags.....

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 21 Feb 16 - 06:38 AM

Honey (Murcott) Tangerines are in season. Best thing in the world that you peel. Well, at least second best. I nominate them as The Official Fruit of The Empire.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Feb 16 - 10:20 PM

Many thanks, Oh Gracious Imperial Sire!

How goes it in other parts of the Great Empire? Being stuck down here in the Imperial Oubliette, as one is, means that one misses out on happenings in the big world out there.

By the Imperial way, that was tangibles not tangerines?

Respectfully Yours,
As Ever,
Our Imperial Torturer
JenieG

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Feb 16 - 04:18 PM

Our Imperial Torturer, Jennie G., has Our permission to use whatever is necessary to extract information and whatever else has been withheld from Us. She may ten percent of all tangibles as her reward.

Given this 20th Day of February in the first year of Our reign,

Emperor Rapparee    ®   His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Feb 16 - 03:50 PM

Your Imperialness, I was wondering......how about an ensemble of crumhorns and sackbutts?

I was thinking such an ensemble could be useful for torturing the recalcitrant, on the principle that no one could withstand questioning under the dulcet tones emanating therefrom. It could be useful for extracting information previously withheld from Your Good Self.

Yours Respectfully,
Our Imperial Torturer
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 16 - 03:20 PM

But the Conch is the most pure in tone while the shofar sounds like the results of a intestinal flu.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Feb 16 - 12:53 PM

No music or noise producing instrument is permissible save for the banjos in Our dungeons and that Instrument Of God, the trumpet and its relatives such as the bugle, shofar, lur, cornet, and flugelhorn. No others are permitted without a license granted by Us. Those desiring such a license must entertain Us and Our Court for not less that two continuous hours with no more than two off-key or other false notes offending Our hearing.

Given this 20th day of February in the First Year of Our Reign,

Emperor Rapparee ® His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: David C. Carter
Date: 20 Feb 16 - 11:28 AM

It was bodhrans

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: olddude
Date: 20 Feb 16 - 12:30 AM

However   I recall a ban on accordions or was it a band

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Feb 16 - 12:06 AM

We will shortly be taking bookings for a tour of the Imperial Dungeons, with the proceeds going straight into the Imperial Coffers (not coffins, you ignorant peasants/pedants) in order to further His Imperial Goodness Gracious Rapparee's munificence to his subjects.

We can guarantee an ear-splittingly finger-wrenchingly good time!

BYO banjo optional. For those who don't have access to such an Instrument of the Gods, some will be available for hire at a modest cost. We won't be asking an arm and a leg.

To book, please reply to [e-mail]. Please have credit/debit/Christmas card details ready.