BS: Office jargon

Subject: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Apr 16 - 07:58 PM

In view of the relative success of the American slang thread (Enough already), thought I'd run this one up the flagpole and see if it flies. Ya know, put a record on and see who dances. And let's all come into this with open kimonos, yeah?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: gnu
Date: 05 Apr 16 - 08:38 PM

RFN? Screw that. I got lots to do and I'll get to it in the order I receive it. Take your little red tag and get it approved by the boss or shove it.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Apr 16 - 08:49 PM

You're out of order, dude. The whole project from soup to nuts is already nodded through and flying, one damn good idea shower later. You didn't think I'd swim with this without getting my ducks in a row, surely? And yeah, I'll call you Shirley...

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Apr 16 - 11:11 PM

We have zero tolerance at the granular level for this, as due diligence hasn't been shown. You haven't drilled down and are attempting to micromanage best practices by avoidance of attention to detail. You've no entitlement to an end run even by pitching it as a growth opportunity. You might consider interfacing verbally about this rather than sending nastygrams; it would be more customer-centric. If you've outgrown your position we can always redo the org chart. Contact my people for a premeet.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 02:59 AM

'Nastygrams', Rap? We used to call them 'Shit-o-grams' when I had the misfortune to be in work, prior to retirement.

I used to be especially pissed off when I was asked to 'reach out' to someone - what's wrong with 'phoning them?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Kampervan
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 04:38 AM

I don't understand - why label this thread 'jargon'?

This is just the way that everyone speaks all the time - Shirley?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 04:45 AM

Hey Kampervan, I see you as a major player across the piece. We need another silver bullet from you, going forward...

But don't call me Shirley.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 04:49 AM

Hey, come on, Backwoodsman. Don't come the acluistic with me. I want you walk-trot-run by month's end, OK?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 05:01 AM

Yeah Steve, the Result looks to be 'meh', we need some Blue Sky Thinking.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 05:20 AM

In fact, we need to get the dead fish out on the table.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Kampervan
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 05:48 AM

Sorry Steve, I have zero cycles for this dead-stick thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 05:55 AM

Good heavens! Do people in business circles really speak like this? As a linguist-at-heart, I find it absolutely fascinating, almost a creole.
If I were to take up a post in an office now (unlikely as I resemble a wrinkly old paper bag) I'd need to bring an interpreter along.

More please, I'm riveted!

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 06:45 AM

Gee, Kampervan, I need better options with you. At this moment in time I feel like I'm nailing jelly to the hothouse wall. I don't want to start thinking that you're not the long pole in my tent.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 07:08 AM

WTF? What happened to English and saying what you mean and meaning what you say?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Kampervan
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 07:29 AM

Given your chosen profession Richard, I take it there is a touch of irony in your comment? ;-}

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 07:30 AM

Amerikans, Bridgie.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Charmion
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 07:48 AM

Oooooh, I love this topic. It's right in my wheelhouse. (Yerk.)

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 08:18 AM

The mind boggles! 😎😄

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Thompson
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 08:28 AM

Lean in…

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 08:41 AM

Good. Sounds like we're gonna all jump in and swim together on this one. Just remember, people, there's no "I" in "team..."

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 08:50 AM

posted on another thread, but well worth repeating the link

Subject: RE: BS: michael noonan and jargon
From: Sandra in Sydney - PM
Date: 06 Feb 16 - 08:09 AM

a recent column by a cross-word compiler & word lover in my local paper took on the jargonauts. The column was illustrated by a cartoon, unfortunately cropped at the waterline in the on-line edition. The original caption was Brian & the Jargonauts.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 09:36 AM

Look, we need buy in. We need mindshare. A gap analysis shows pushback on rebranding wouldn't justify the ROI. So let's just kick the tires and start a focus group. We'll ignore the 800 pound gorilla and just pick the low-hanging fruit.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Charmion
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 09:41 AM

But the elephant in the room just won't go away -- that's our core business! When our deliverables aren't meeting our milestones, we have to admit that the target market isn't getting on board with the program.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: olddude
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 11:44 AM

Due diligence, action list, assets in place
Eyes on

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 11:52 AM

The trouble with any modern argot is that it quickly becomes out of date. I could imagine myself in a new office job mentioning 'thinking outside the box' and being met with a wall of pitying silence.

I suspect 'wicked' and 'cool' are horribly vieux jeu now. Young folk change their trendy words almost daily. Wouldn't it be strange if 'fab' came back in? Along with flared trousers...

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 11:59 AM

If we can walk together on this one, people, we can avoid having to lawyer up. I can wallpaper a meeting to do a legal scrub if push and shove start to kiss. I will not captain a ship of fools, guys, and that's your final heads up.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 12:26 PM

what about 'excellent' and 'awesome'?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 12:36 PM

That's yesterday. I tell you, I tell you twice, stop blueskying and start getting the product out there!

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 01:38 PM

Yeah, OK, but we're going to have to paddle on both sides. Should cut it - this is a bacon job, team.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: DMcG
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 01:39 PM

Not quite office jargon but a boss of mine was amused and baffled when he rang someone and asked "is Mr j- there?" and was given the answer "Not as such"

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 04:50 PM

The last time I worked in an office (ca. 1970), we had the following abbreviations for replies to queries:

ICCL: I couldn't care less.
THWI: To hell with it.
ISNUP: It serves no useful purpose.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: olddude
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 05:36 PM

We had one very aggressive guy that when someone would ask a question, his response was, that's stupid, why am I talking to you.. Then he would walk away..

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 06:08 PM

Ha! Ha! Ha! Wonderful stuff here! I recognize a number of my father's favorite Biz-speak expressions on this thread, but they're probably way out of date by now. Here's a quote from that marvelous link offered above by Sandra in Sydney:

"At the end of the day, most jargon deserves junking. Even George Orwell ignored the evil of deliverable coopertition for his newspeak glossary. As for blue-sky futureproofing, you can stick that where the sun doesn't shine. Yet don't dismiss the darlings. For every strategic window there's a frog-boiling puppy-shooter trying to get in. Moving forward, when push comes to shove, that has to be the takeaway."

Chongo counters this detestable modern business bafflegab with his own aggressive brand of jargon which is firmly rooted in the tough guy talk of cops and robbers in the 1940's. "Don't flap yer lips at me, ya dumb mug, just hand over the mazuma and dust before I pump lead and fill yer alderman fulla holes like a Swiss cheese!"

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 08:49 PM

Yeah well this is a bag of snakes, a long way from being a baked cake. We need to stir-fry some ideas in each other's think-woks.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: olddude
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 08:55 PM

You bag your snakes.. Good grief man ya nuts

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 09:50 PM

As we move forward, we have to be aware that we will encounter facts that detract from our goals which stem from concerns of certain groups which have other interests from our own. We need to clarify and set our goals such that we are all focused on what we must do to achieve our goals if we believe our goals are in our best interests as a team.

P.S. I believe that any politician who speaks the vile 'going forward', 'moving forward' or even just the word 'forward' should be hung, drawn, quartered, and have his head placed on a pike and displayed in the town square.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 10:05 PM

You're letting the nose of the camel in! This is a meritocracy and we need to leverage the synergy of our team, to repurpose so that we can monetize the processes that will take us to our goal. Going forward, we don't need push back so much as open lines of communication. If we don't you might find yourself packaged out.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: olddude
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 10:31 PM

Lol perfect rap

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Apr 16 - 10:32 PM

Or, in the inimitable words of Shane McBride: "It's all goin' to shit here! This place is FLIPPED!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 06:58 AM

Yeah, team, but the last thing we need to be seeing here is each other's rectal databases. Let's recontextualise our latest whole raft of measures. They need ramping up so that the Big Enchilada will see what a barnburner we're in. Gotta keep those C-level guys onside, yeah? You may think that I've got unlimited bouncebackability, but I really don't need to be called in for another Jesus meeting with the blue-hairs, so arses in gear hereonin, OK?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 07:29 AM

Oh Steve, my hero...!! 😜

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: DMcG
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:10 AM

Someone said today he would reverbalise that to us

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:14 AM

Gobbledygook generator

Enjoy :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:35 AM

Yeah well I'm uber-tired of the pig-in-python action on this piece. We need to sideline the show ponies and the rest of us need to upskill if this one's gonna grow legs. I can't keep on throwing dogs bones, and the papershredders in accounts are on my case.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: gnu
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 08:01 PM

I am not going to sugar-coat this. There is only one axe to grind and we need to grab that axe and sharpen it. Elmer Fudd isn't gonna choke this chicken without a team effort. Let's put our shoulders to the grindstone and sharpen that axe.

Fudd.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 08:13 PM

Yeah but is he a major player or just a Monday-morning quarterback? We don't need negatrons on the team. We have tasks to operationalise and I don't want any more goat rodeos.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Paul Reade
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 08:56 AM

I know this is in the BS section, but there's one very traditional word that sums up all this "office jargon" ...











BULLSHIT

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 09:23 AM

Well don't come the negatron with me, Paul. I want action on this one, not a whole bunch of window-lickers who can't even hack their work-work balance and who serve me up a warm bowl of nothing. I don't need tapdancers with Teflon shoulders. Your dog won't hunt, Paul, so just spare me the testiculating, yeah?

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 09:41 AM

Office jargon is clear compared to ArtSpeak

Artists' statements about their 'conceptual goals' are not considered..... ummmm... artsy... if they are coherent.

Subject: RE: BS: Office jargon
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 10:49 AM

Then of course there's wine tasters...