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BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Donuel 01 Oct 17 - 06:07 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Oct 17 - 08:07 PM
Donuel 01 Oct 17 - 08:08 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Oct 17 - 09:10 PM
Nigel Parsons 02 Oct 17 - 07:20 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Oct 17 - 07:33 AM
Donuel 02 Oct 17 - 08:45 AM
Nigel Parsons 02 Oct 17 - 11:11 AM
Mrrzy 02 Oct 17 - 02:34 PM
Nigel Parsons 02 Oct 17 - 04:29 PM
Mrrzy 02 Oct 17 - 04:36 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Oct 17 - 04:56 PM
Mr Red 03 Oct 17 - 06:17 AM
Nigel Parsons 03 Oct 17 - 06:32 AM
Donuel 12 Oct 17 - 08:34 AM
Mr Red 12 Oct 17 - 11:15 AM
Steve Shaw 12 Oct 17 - 11:25 AM
Mrrzy 12 Oct 17 - 12:40 PM
DMcG 12 Oct 17 - 01:51 PM
BobL 13 Oct 17 - 03:41 AM
Georgiansilver 13 Oct 17 - 06:35 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Oct 17 - 06:54 AM
Steve Shaw 21 Oct 17 - 06:31 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:07 PM

America will entertain itself to death until the power goes off.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 08:07 PM

Stop being wry, Donuel. This is a joke thread, not an outlet for your cynicism. There are plenty of other threads available for that. Give us a laugh instead.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 08:08 PM

Whatdoyousay you accept creative eclectic points of view and allow free speech Steve?

Or we could escalate joke challenges which might elevate creativity into a spiraling joke war, I won't be sore. Comedy Feuds have been very funny. The first one I remember was Fred Allen and Jack Benny.

We have angry comics insult comics and your fault comics
You have your hard edge comics, sex comics, complex comics
Political comics hypocritical comics inimical comics and jerks
gross out comics horror comics and awful truth that hurts

If you absolutely insist on your way or the highway I don't mind. Only one in ten original jokes have legs anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 09:10 PM

Jack Benny was a complete, unfunny twat. There, that's me exercising my free speech. You can say whatever you like and I don't give a monkeys, but don't expect to get away with your dismal cynicism on what's supposed to be a joke thread. Giving you a bollocking for being incredibly unfunny is not an attack on your free speech. It's just me exercising mine.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 07:20 AM

You're getting old when:
You drop a coin & check it's value before deciding whether to bend over.

You are old when:
You can't see tell which coin it is at that distance.


Old age: The first time you can't do it a second time.
Real old age: The second time you can't do it a first time.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 07:33 AM

Billy Connolly's three cardinal rules for the over-60s:

Never pass up an opportunity to have a pee.

Never waste an erection.

Never trust a fart.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 08:45 AM

So its OK to post heavy metal Comedy Gold and comedy Plutonium?
I'll consider your wrath as part of the fun. Sometimes a great notion
happens but not today.

Tweet ; Trump has warm regards for Los Vegas.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 11:11 AM

"Los Vegas": Johnny Vegas' new backing group.

Actually "Los Vegas" might be a good name for it (Las Vegas). Only the owners regularly make a profit.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 02:34 PM

The blind mohel got the sack...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:29 PM

From: Mrrzy - PM
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 02:34 PM

The blind mohel got the sack...



Yeah, the job doesn't pay very well, but you get to keep the tips.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:36 PM

What did the leper say to the whore?

Keep the tip!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:56 PM

Is that a joke?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Oct 17 - 06:17 AM

If a joke doesn't "connect," then maybe it isn't much of a joke.

It is personal. Audiences have a lot of personalities. It depends on the news, like Las Vegas just announced. It depends on the last singers. It depends on the misanthropy of the listener. Maybe the listener isn't much of a listener. It happens. You work with the material and the misanthropes you find.

My GF won't watch Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton. I love them. Go figure. I have, she is very sensitive to physical knockabout on film. She laughs when Irish Set "sets" go wrong, I understand her amusement, I am concentrating on why, and generating mnemonics to help. Only then can I laugh, (if I succeed).
It is personal.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies.
E B White

I laughed when I saw on sale - Smart Clothes Pegs. To bring us back on topic ish.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Oct 17 - 06:32 AM

Smart clothes pegs that I had to check.
Yes, Google finds pegs which don't risk rust stains and have wider jaws, and are in bright plastic colours.

But then I saw Peggy a clothes peg which measures temperature & humidity and sends you a text alert to bring the washing in.

so smart clothes pegs is no joke.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 08:34 AM

"I have been told by secret service that I am being actively attacked by Al Symer. I do not know who Al Symer is, but I will get to the bottom of this."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:15 AM

so smart clothes pegs is no joke

But if the cost is less than a cup of coffee for 10 in a 99p store they are a joke.

Now a Polish joke from the communist shortages era (better as a video but I will paint).

A guy is holding a toilet roll aloft to keep it out of the reach of an adversary. The adversary tries grabbing for a long time saying stuff like "come on now, you have a whole one and that is greedy" (imagine this kind of thing for 2 minutes) then the owner says "but have pity, I have only just got it back from the laundry".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:25 AM

That reminds me of graffiti seen on the toilet wall of Ratagan youth hostel in 1975: ?Economy drive - please use both sides of the paper.?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 12:40 PM

I thought I already told this joke here, musta been in a prior year.

So the docter tells the geriatric patient, I've got good news and bad news. Let's hear the good news first, says the patient. OK - you have AIDS. That's the good news? cries the patient. What is worse than that? Well, says the doctor, you have Alzheiner's. Oh, says the patient, well, at least I don't have AIDS.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: DMcG
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 01:51 PM

Ah yes, I well remember the toilets in a Russian town I visited, which were presided over by a solemn babushka-like figure, who traded a single sheet of paper for a few coins.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:41 AM

Using both sides of the paper was normal during and post WW2 - and not a problem with the hard toilet paper then in use (you folded it).


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 06:35 AM

What really bothers me is seeing the words 'Recycled toilet paper' on toilet rolls... like... Who used it the first time~?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 06:54 AM

Let?s not get bogged down here...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Oct 17 - 06:31 PM

A little girl goes on a train trip with her grandad for a special treat.

She looks out of the window and says, "Ooh look, grandad - moo cows!"

"Ah yes, little girl," says grandad testily, "but that isn't very grown up is it? Just say 'cows,' please."

"Sorry, grandad."

A little while later, she says, "Ooh look, grandad - baa lambs!"

"Yes, very good," says grandad testily, "but that isn't very grown up either, isn't? Just say 'sheep.'"

"Sorry, grandad."

A little while later, grandad says to her, "That looks like a very nice book you're reading there, little girl. What is it?"


"Winnie The Shit, grandad..."


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