BS: stay afloat while others don't

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 07:03 PM

Which reminds me, Mrrzy my friend:

what transpired for your son Tim last year?
At last report, he was due in court
for what happened with his (former) roommate??

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Jan 22 - 03:48 PM

Keberoxu, don't know if it is about you, but the book Everybody In This Room Will Soeday Be Dead is absolutely exactly and perfectly about me.

If any of you are interested in what my mind was like before I managed to check into that suicide prevention program 2 years ago, read that book.

Spot on.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Jan 22 - 10:00 AM

Good on yer, keb.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 07 Jan 22 - 04:40 PM

Thus begins another year and
soon I will have my second-year anniversary of admission,
and I'm still at that same treatment clinic
for residential in-patient psychiatric care.

I've spent more money in those months
than I believe I had done in the whole of my adult life and career.
I don't regret the treatment,
but my stomach still drops at the thought of the total sum,
paid out one month at a time.

Just finished consolidating the cash reserves I have,
which includes shutting down accounts at a bank
where I was a customer for at least thirty years ...
having relocated to a part of the country
where that bank has no branch locations.
I kept that account as a nest egg, earning interest.
It was time to sacrifice the funds in that account
towards the payment of my treatment bills.
So, I had to travel out of state to get the cash
and close the accounts.
Just deposited the cashier's checks at my current bank this week.

My clinical team is pleased with my treatment so far and they find
that my recent work is productive.
Which means that it hurts like hell.
I'm sitting here trying not to cry
after getting out of my most recent billable hour of therapy.
I hate it when it hurts, I really do.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Dec 21 - 05:10 PM

We used to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving before it had that name and got awful. Whole family split into twos and threes, walk around and point out likes and dislikes, reconvene, change groups, go back around for what people said they liked. Kind of a do-see-dough...

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 04 Dec 21 - 03:51 PM

keberoxu, I was friends with an American family a while back. They were working over here for a few years, she plays the harp so that's how we met. They invited me over for Thanksgiving one time and I couldn't believe how much food was on the table for three adults and a couple of small children. One thing which sticks in my mind was that she said that she had never prepared and cooked a real pumpkin for the pumpkin pie. I asked what she usually used, and when she said she bought it in a can I was totally incredulous.

Pumpkins are really common here. We don't get them in cans, and the other thing which amazed me was that the canned pumpkins are sweetened. Most of our pumpkin dishes are savoury - roasted pumpkin, pumpkin soup, pumpkin scones, pumpkin in stews, etc. All yummy! But the only recipe with a small bit of sugar added - except I don't do it - is in the pumpkin scones.

I only discovered this week what Black Friday shopping frenzy is about and its connection to Thanksgiving. The shopping thing cropped up here a few years ago but it seemed to come out of nowhere and it was never explained, and I never really knew what date it was especially since Black Friday means a Friday the 13th to me.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 04 Dec 21 - 01:19 PM

Here's the deal with North American Thanksgiving:
always on a Thursday,
maybe somebody else knows why, I don't, but it's always Thursday.
Followed, in the present millenium, by Black Friday,
which was NOT part of the original observation.

The outcome is a long holiday weekend instead of
a mere Thursday observance.
Hence, five days.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 04 Dec 21 - 12:04 AM

When I said before about a little treat in moderation being beneficial for your state of mind, I definitely wasn't thinking of a 5 day binge.

Thanksgiving isn't a thing over here so I guess it was a cultural difference in understanding. Here was I thinking it is only one meal. LOL

My car is 16 years old, very reliable (Toyota Corolla), and usually I get her checked over once a year but because I've now retired my usual place to go is too far away from home so she missed out on her checkup a year ago. She made up for it by costing a lot more money than I'd planned or envisaged, but I prefer to know that everything is safe and going properly so I just paid up and thanked the mechanic for being thorough.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 21 - 11:11 PM

Speaking of car service...

I am not allowed to go back to my dealership where I tried to take my newish car for a recall repair and something went wrong amd I *lost* it and yelled and swore. Then I backed into the door leaving and damaged my new car. Ooh I was mad. Over something minor. That was my fault anyway, it turned out, but I totally assumed it was theirs, given that they had screwed up the last two times and this was going to be their last chance not to screw up again...

So um yeah too many carbs.

Had long talk with shrink. Turns out his recommendation for the occasional glycogen break was a (one) meal every few weeks, not a whole holiday 5-day weekend's worth every few months. Live and learn.

Plus when I told him I lost it he asked were the cops called which no, they weren't, which put things back in perspective...

The highlight of the car thing, though, was when the manager, who had not been there, called to say he didn't want me back, I said with emphasis, You are the first person to do your job right at that place. You *should* protect your people from the likes of me even if they *are* screwing up. First time in his career, he said.

The highlight of the therapy session was I said I was crying at folk songs and I think I was lonely. He said, one definition of loneliness is what happens when a part of your soul is not being seen by the universe. So, he asked, what part of me us not being seen? And I thought about it, melted into tears, and said Meeeee...

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Dec 21 - 09:03 PM

Next week an appointment is scheduled to service my car.
To be on the safe side, have asked to reserve a loaner car,
in case my car has to be left at the service shop for more than a few hours.
There's enough things on the checklist,
and worrying details
(a dashboard light saying PARKING BRAKE coming on AFTER the ignition is turned off, with a frightening grinding noise underneath)
that the work may not be done quickly. Keep my fingers crossed here.

The campus provides for my needs well enough;
having the car, though, keeps me from going ... you know what.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 27 Nov 21 - 08:13 PM

Year-end holidays, like those last year,
will be here at the clinic
(unless something unforeseen arises).

Hopefully this year it will feel like more is possible.
Of course
it is unnerving to hear about the omicron variant of SARS/COVID
and to watch THAT making an impact around the globe.
New York State starting to shut things down again --
although the clinic is outside of New York State,
that state is but a short turnpike/toll-road drive from here.

But there are things going on that weren't happening a year ago:
cinemas showing films,
concerts with a chorus of live singers even
(one of the riskiest things to do
when an air-borne virus is on the loose --
they have planned the concert very carefully).

If I think ahead to the New Year then I feel overwhelmed,
as so much is unknown and cannot be planned yet.
So it's better to stick to the present.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: The Sandman
Date: 27 Nov 21 - 03:09 PM

well said Helen

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 27 Nov 21 - 02:33 PM

Well Mrrzy, in my opinion sometimes it's worth pushing the boundaries - in moderation - and living with the consequences.

When I bought a house back in 1983 (a big deal, a single female getting a mortgage!) I was talking to one of my new neighbours who told me he had been diagnosed with a serious, potentially terminal illness. He said he could go through a traumatic medical procedure and the long, slow recovery, losing his quality of life in the hope of an eventual cure and a possible extension of his life, but he had chosen to enjoy life, come what may. He chose quality over quantity. He passed away a year or so later, but he seemed happy with his choice, happy in his life with his lovely wife, and it seemed to me (looking at his situation from the outside) that his choice was worth the risks.

So we can live a prolonged, less than happy life or we can choose to have a bit of fun in moderation now and then and get back on the health track. The fun bit helps to make the not-so-fun bits more bearable.

Like keberoxu playing piano with the other musician. Like my group of friends playing music together during the pandemic even though it has taken a lot of my time and ingenuity to work around the COVID lockdown and post-lockdown restrictions to find suitable locations to play.

The fun bits make the rest of life worth living, in my opinion.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Nov 21 - 09:50 AM

Ok, so, yeah, yummy stuffing and pie and salads with fruit in them... Thursday night got 3 hours sleep, and Friday cried at folk songs and got a little het up in the mah jongg game (which I won by miles, may I add), then could not sleep till 4 am, awake at 8 something. Also broke the vape cartridge with my calm-go-sleepy-now medical weed extract, so that help is not available... Going to try for a local head shop for that. But not yelling at people, not really labile, ok-ish, just not comfy.

So totally worth the pie and the stuffing!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 26 Nov 21 - 03:19 PM

They are yummy - both the cake and the brownies. And the best bit is that they are super easy and very quick to prepare although they need to be cooked a bit more slowly than some other recipes.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Nov 21 - 01:36 PM

That sounds yummy!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 26 Nov 21 - 01:30 PM

Mrrzy, regarding carob I was thinking more along the lines of not-chocolate brownies using carob powder. I don't like the carob bars pretending to be chocolate bars. It doesn't work for me.

I found a recipe using my fave cake ingredient. I make a lovely gluten free orange and almond cake using processed almonds or almond meal instead of flour. I'm not gluten free but I used to take it to work because one of my friends is gluten free. The orange flavour is a real orange boiled and then processed in the food processor - everything but the seeds. You can also have orange syrup made from fresh orange juice poured over the cake when it is cooked. Or different fruit can be used in the cake instead of an orange.

I found the recipe to make chocolate brownies or even orange choc brownies and it was super-yum. It would work with carob, but maybe some cocoa powder as well to provide the chocolate hit.

Almond meal brownies
Gluten-free brownie
Ingredients
•        125g unsalted butter, chopped
•        125g dark chocolate, chopped
•        3 eggs, lightly whisked
•        335g (1 1/2 cups) white sugar
•        110g almond meal
•        30g (1/4 cup) Dutch cocoa powder
•        1 teaspoon vanilla extract
•        Pinch of salt

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 10:21 AM

Ovaltine is 49% sugar. Enjoy your carbs!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 10:09 AM

Ovaltine?

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Nov 21 - 09:41 AM

I don't sub chocolate. Just eating less of it... Dessert after dinner, but not after breakfast, lunch *and* dinner.

Carob was a thing when I was in college. Tried it, didn't like it. Anybody remember Postum? Might look back into that for caffeine avoidance...

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 22 Nov 21 - 02:10 PM

Good song choice, keberoxu. The *other* Aussie anthem (well, not counting Waltzing Matilda).

Shaddap You Face - Joe Dolce

The interesting thing about the song is that it sounds aggressive when you first listen to the words but it is actually warmly funny and sends the message about being involved and inclusive in your living situation and with the people around you, even if you didn't choose to be here - i.e. a child who migrated with your family to a different country. That song always makes Aussies smile - well, almost all of us. Some people get antsy about it.

(An aside: the influence on Australian life and culture from the people and cultures who came here to live is immeasurable. I can't imagine what Aussie life would be like without all those amazing people living here.)


Mrrzy, have you tried carob as a chocolate substitute? It tastes very similar to chocolate and can be used in similar ways in cooking. Also, I found that when I stopped eating chocolate bars it was the excess sugar which was addictive and eating dark chocolate with a high percentage of cocoa made it a lot easier to limit my chocolate intake. It was quicker getting the chocolate hit. That's just me, but it worked for me. My current trick is melting dark chocolate and mixing nuts and some dried fruit into it. It gives me the chocolate hit without the high sugar content.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Nov 21 - 11:02 AM

Still ok here... Relaxed the keto thing through chocolate because it wasn't making me labile, but then I noticed the number of bandaids I was sporting because of cuticle-picking. So I got back on the diet. Picking compulsion went away.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 20 Nov 21 - 11:45 PM

The simplest thing to say about that odd post before this one,
is that my old buried anger is coming up --
and the trigger is shame.
It's too tedious and messy and private to spill about here.
The year-end holidays plan is to spend them here at the clinic.
Plans can change, but that's the plan, for now.

When my situation overwhelms me with discouragement at times,
it is really helpful to consider
that had I chosen differently in the past,
my situation now would be altogether worse than it is.
Helen is right about that one.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Nov 21 - 08:30 PM

This is to keep me from giving in to a terrible temptation,
I speak tongue-in-cheek but really it's a big distraction.

I want to blurt out something in group therapy
on behalf of the entire group of us
to one patient who is impossible to communicate with.
It goes like this,
and if it sounds familiar, it ought to:


Whatsa matta you?!
Gotta no respect!
What you t'inka you do?
Why you looka so sad?
It'sa not so bad,
It'sa nice-a place
AH,
shut uppa you face.

This patient attends group now and then.
Every time they show up, we never know what to say,
because mentally they are just ... somewhere else.

Tonight several of us talked in the person's absence about
how frustrating it is to try to talk with the individual.

One fellow patient used the a-word: Autism.
And I had to respond, "I really don't know what 'Autism' means.
Does it mean that a direct conversation is too much to ask for?"

It's just that I dread telling this fellow resident
how I REALLY feel about the invisible gap between us which seems
impossible to bridge with words.
I don't want to get too specific here, it would invade privacy if I did.
But the more any of us try to talk with the person ,
the more bewildering and hopeless it is --
tonight we were all comparing notes on conversations with the person
and how remote and unreachable the person seems to be.

So now,
maybe having said what I feel like singing/saying online here,
there will be no need for me to
make a fool of myself by blurting out Whatsa Matta You
in group therapy sessions . . .

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Nov 21 - 09:32 AM

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/mood-boosting-power-of-dogs.htm

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Nov 21 - 07:53 AM

The more desperate the more likely help might be accepted? My version of home.

But in the meantime... Yikes.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Nov 21 - 11:56 AM

This morning I just sat down with someone at the nurses' station to alert them
of a community conflict.

Two patients have got a drama going on between them, about which it is prudent not to disclose too much.
They are both very young people, close to the minimum age for admission to this clinic. Both are deeply troubled.
At least one of them has a history of suicide attempts and hospitalizations.
I have hope for one of them, who is breaking the silence now, and coming forward and telling the truth about getting hurt, and asking for support.
It's the other one I'm worried about.
Not so much malice, but, sadly, impulse-driven, and desperate.
I'm afraid that this patient CAN'T stop -- that's exactly what I told nursing.
And the kind of neediness and obsession driving this patient
is the kind of thing that damages an entire community, one fellow patient at a time.
At this point, the rest of us need to protect ourselves and each other,
and the impulse-driven patient ... I don't know what hope there is for them.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Oct 21 - 07:31 AM

Under the heading of Not Helping...

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Oct 21 - 07:49 PM

The hour of reckoning could no longer be postponed -- not for ME, don't worry --

but for that patient whose family seems to have limitless wealth
and very little discipline or sense,
and who went so far, this summer, as to post a notice for
a lost dog ...
why does a patient post a notice for a lost dog when
it is against the rules for patients to have pets anyway!
I never did encounter the dog, or dogs, anyhow.
This patient for months has come up with this or that excuse
to get out of the buildings, off of the campus, and
do anything other than treatment or therapy.

Today the patient was served with an administrative discharge.
And, I might have guessed this,
substance use is involved.
So often, in the cases when a patient here is forced to discharge,
there is some sort of controlled substance amongst the contributing factors.
Add to this, that fact that this patient is one of those
who conceal and hide and deny drinking or ingesting anything.
Until their bedroom is inspected and the inspection turns up ...
containers for alcoholic drink, containers for prescription meds that they were NOT supposed to have ...

I suppose during the time this patient was here in treatment,
we are all fortunate that there was no overdose!
It could have happened, but did not, in this case.

I really wondered about this patient's treatment, all these months,
on account of the patient's presentation which seemed so at odds
with getting any constructive work or support here.
Sometimes a person and a place are a poor fit with each other,
and I wondered about it the whole time.

Well, the patient is going home to Mother, and home to all the money
and the relatives who are, shall we say,
a questionable influence on somebody who needs professional help.
This clinic/institution has done what it may do
and it's out of everyone else's hands now.
It could have ended much worse than this,
and at the same time, it is a somewhat sad conclusion.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Sep 21 - 04:32 PM

Yesterday maintenance got the door mechanism re-set
and now the key fobs will let the door open at last.
Meanwhile most of the doors on the other bedrooms did the same
sputtering-out of the lock mechanism
and all THOSE had to be re-set.   

Nurses' station staff is still growling about it,
but at least we can get in and out of our bedrooms now.

Oh, I still find the whole missing-dog saga too complicated to work out.
That patient is still in treatment.
They got their treatment stepped back up to the main residence.
Now, at last report, they have got a significant friend living nearby, somebody they met after admission to what they call "the asylum" . That significant friend has stepped up to dog-care duty. And there is now more than one dog, don't ask me how many, but "my dogs" it is, now, plural instead of singular.
Right this moment, however, the patient is out of the country, visiting the wealthy and spendthrift family for a week.
No more hotel rooms with relatives,
as the significant friend living nearby can keep the dogs ...
all most irregular ... but when you have got the money,
somehow, all manner of things can be negotiated.
It's all a bit much.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Sep 21 - 09:30 AM

Oh, keb, life just sometimes has it in for the living.

I am still fine. Fall does not seem to be bothering me. Pourvu que ça dure, comme disait, avec son accent corse, la maman de Napoléon...

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Sep 21 - 01:19 PM

I have been locked out of my residence bedroom.
The funny thing is, I have the device to unlock the door mechanism,
right here in my hand.
It just doesn't function.

You see, after a rash of thefts this summer,
a decision was arrived at.
All the residence bedroom doors,
which had conventional locks in the doorknob with metal keys,
would change over.

So the past week was spent collecting those metal keys from us,
after fitting each door with an electronic lock device,
activated (unlocked) with an electronic key fob.
Not just any device, but the sort with a
"high-security" rating,
which means you have to hold the fob up to the door device panel
just so,
you cannot merely wave it about, or touch the panel anywhere.

It was working yesterday and the day before.
I left my bedroom this morning, key fob in hand as it ought to be.
I come back, and the lock mechanism does not respond to the fob.

I go to nursing. The charge nurse is on the phone,
demanding to somebody else to tell her where to find the master
which will unlock any and all bedroom lock mechanisms.
Another nurse, on hearing my complaint,
accompanies me from the nurses' station to my bedroom door.
She has her own key fob with her ...
and her key fob also will not open my door. Nothing will.

Then it is explained to me that I am far from the only patient with this dilemma, as there are
other patients who are shut out of their bedrooms because the key fob stopped unlocking their door today
after functioning correctly yesterday and the day before.

I dunno.
As I always kept my door unlocked regardless, and am careful
with personal effects,
the series of thefts left me unscathed anyway.

Of course, as you would expect in a psychiatric treatment place,
the patient population includes people who feel out of control
if they can't control their bedroom doors.
One example is a patient
whose history of abuse and trauma includes
being shut up in closets.
For this patient, it is essential to be able to open the door
under any and all circumstances;
they lock the door on leaving the room,
but while inside the room
they feel anxious, or worse, behind a locked door.

Sometimes the solution makes a problem worse?

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Jul 21 - 03:47 PM

When first admitted, my assignment to one therapist
was a source of much distress and frustration,
so I switched clinical teams, last year,
and have since been much happier
with my present psychiatrist.


As to that psychotherapist (not an MD)
that I could not get on with, last year,
this clinician has completed their fellowship at the clinic, and ...
been hired to work full-time on the therapy staff.

The ways of bureaucracies are beyond me sometimes.
If this were one year ago, I would be up in arms.
But now ... c'est la guerre, or some such.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 Jul 21 - 03:08 PM

The saga of the pet dog has taken a new turn.

Earlier this week, our needy patient was approved to step down their treatment, by moving out of the main residence (where my room is) and relocating to a different building here on the clinic campus, where the treatment plan rate is cheaper.

The move happened immediately upon approval, the patient cleared out of the room here, and relocated to that other building.
And on that same day, their puppy dog went missing.
Now, HERE AT THE PATIENT RESIDENCE,
a Lost Dog Notice has been posted with a photograph of the seven-month-old puppy dog.

As if!
I'm sorry ... under no circumstances are we patients permitted to have a pet animal with us, and here is this Lost Dog notice on the patients' community bulletin board.

There are a bunch of questions I don't know the answers to. Like, what about the relative who paid for a hotel room somewhere close by where they looked after the puppy dog. And where, often as not, the patient would spend every night.
I recall being in my room after hours, and hearing in the hallway outside,
the nurse on duty coming to the other patient's room, knocking on the door, calling the patient's name, then shouting that she, the nurse, was going to unlock the door and let herself into the patient's room to see if anyone were there. Then the nurse would unlock the door, I would hear the key in the lock and all that, and the nurse would confirm, No, the bedroom has nobody in it, either human or canine, and would lock the room back up and return to the nurses' station to report.

Sigh.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 15 Jul 21 - 10:38 PM

Today,
stay afloat
felt more like
drag my tail.

The work I did in my therapy appointment was necessary and promising, but it hurt like the dickens, and I cried a lot,
during and after.

I misplaced the key to my room, which, thankfully, somebody else found for me and returned. I NEVER lose my room key.

The humidity and dew points are so high hereabouts, that
the humidity sensor device in my room's bathroom
keeps turning on the exhaust fan.
Even when I have neither bathed nor showered.
That happened earlier this week.
To adjust the switch on the sensor device,
I had to pull an occasional table into the bathroom
and stand on top of the table
in order to get my fingers on the switch.
The switch is so high up the bathroom wall that
even when standing on the table top, I cannot see the actual lever,
on top of the little component box that says Honeywell.
The exhaust fan, of course, is a ceiling fixture.

I just showered and shampooed and dried off,
so the exhaust fan is going as I enter this
at the room desk on my laptop.

If I have got to have a nervous breakthrough,
this is a really comfortable bedroom in which to have it,
I will say that.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Jun 21 - 10:11 PM

Just when I thought I had witnessed everything:

I haven't seen all the players in this saga.
However, a patient whose room is not far from mine,
is under the rather worried and definitely harried scrutiny
of nursing, program managers, and other staff.
Calling this patient eccentric is ... euphemistic.

The patient is almost routinely flunking
the weekly room inspections, what with clothing all over the floor
and I forget what else, never puts anything away.
Until, having flunked room inspection, they are forced to do so.

In the meanwhile, this patient has so desperate an attachment
to their pet dog that
a relative has sort of moved into a nearby hotel, WITH the dog,
and
the patient spends nights and weekends, not in their room,
but at the hotel with the relative and the dog.
This family has the smarts, at least,
to keep the dog away from the clinic,
so I've never observed the dog,
just had second-hand info about the patient being with the dog.

The patient is not from this area,
and is also desperately homesick,
crying themselves to sleep until hitting upon
this scheme of the hotel room, the relative, and the pet dog.
Mind you, this clinic is NOT cheap,
and neither are the hotels, not the ones where
a pet dog is permitted anyhow.
So this family is tight-knit and, erm, spendthrift??

As for me, for the time being I have negotiated that
I will stay on my present treatment plan.
Not step up to that more intense nursing option.
And, with the understanding that I keep my clinical team informed,
I will stay out of the group therapy sessions:
these are voluntary anyhow, no one can force me to attend.
And as long as I stay in touch with, and work with,
my doctor, my therapist, my nurse, my social worker,
my program manager and so on, then
I can pick and choose, and work out how to continue treatment.
We'll see how this goes for a while.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 20 Jun 21 - 04:03 PM

Hi keberoxu, I always listen because I want to know that your life-project is progressing well. And it seems to me that you are fairly clear about what you want and how you plan to get there, and that the plan appears to be working.

I'm thinking again of the idea that life and learning is a spiral. I talked about it in this thread on 01 Jun 20 - 01:12 AM

"learning is not walking around and around a circular path, seeing and doing exactly the same things over and over again. It's a spiral going upwards, so when you encounter a situation which you have been in before, you are different than you were previously."

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Jun 21 - 06:26 PM

The new and different bedroom is an adjustment but overall a good thing.

What I may do next is something different than I considered before.
I was looking at a cheaper plan on the institution campus.
Now what would answer my needs best is to get
more support from nursing while staying in the present building --
and this, of course, means switching to a more expensive plan.

My present plan features a little bit of contact with nursing, per week,
with a lot of group therapy sessions.
Now, doing some particularly delicate and painful emotional work,
I feel more trusting of nursing than I feel about the group.
It doesn't help that, in the past two months,
the group membership is so greatly changed.
I would feel better cared for, right now,
with less group therapy and more time with nursing.

Two months ago the group-therapy membership was
a pretty chill group of people.
We could be together and separate, in a positive sense,
at the same time: giving each other space and respect.
Some of us -- not necessarily me -- behaved like adults most of the time.

Well, many of the respectful adult members discharged within the past eight weeks.
The group membership now is dominated largely by patients who only arrived recently, some more recently than others;
and they are as needy and intrusive and boundary-oblivious
as the previous members were respectful.

I have felt myself going along with the group dynamic,
and on looking more closely at my behavior,
I see things I want to change, for myself and for the sake of others. Some of it strongly influenced by the drama in the group now.

Certain group members will fuss, like tantrum-prone children,
when I set a boundary and tell them that
my treatment is no longer any of their business;
all the more reason to do so, and that firmly,
and to have the support of clinicians and nursing while doing it.
It won't be easy.
Asserting myself in this fashion is something I haven't done often.
I believe I will be better off for doing so now
and getting on with the uncomfortable parts of my treatment
amongst people I can trust.
Thanks for listening, it means a lot to me.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 Jun 21 - 10:45 PM

Instead of moving to a different residence on the campus,
with a different program rate,
I moved to a larger bedroom in the same building at the same rate.
And I'm sleeping better at night, strange to say.
(Private bathroom, I don't share it in a suite like before.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 28 May 21 - 11:02 PM

Welcome, Jerry, and you may call me that or whatever else.

After taking time to think it through,
while the visit to the other on-campus residence was worthwhile,
my decision was to stay where I am probably through the summer:
I have settled comfortably into this program
and want to enjoy it a little longer.

When it is the right time to move,
I will feel better about my options for having looked around now.

The Memorial Day holiday long-weekend is upon us,
and many of us remaining here in the campus residences
are surprisingly over-sensitive and cranky,
snapping at each other,
breaking down and crying,
or just expressing exhaustion and impatience with listening to each other.

Oddly, after joining in with my own complaints
and hearing somebody say I hurt their feelings,
I feel ... very brave for having spoken up to complain in the first place?

How weird is that?! I'm supposed to be nice to people
but I'm proud of myself for taking the risk of
saying how I feel even when someone else's feelings are hurt.

I guess that's how you think and talk
when you've been in treatment for over twelve months ...

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Jerry Rasmussen
Date: 19 May 21 - 04:36 PM

Hey, Keb. May I call you Keb?

I'm sorry I am so late to this conversation. I can see how many people care about you. I'll add something uncharacterstically short for me. In the Christian faith, it is fundamental, and yet often forgotten. It's good advice, whatever your faith or beliefs;

"Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF."
Love for others is built on the foundation of loving yourself.

Sometimes you have to separate yourself from those who are destructive, even if you love them, and they are family or close friends.

You clearly know this.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 May 21 - 04:27 PM

Take your time over your decision, too...

But this is all really great to read, keb.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 16 May 21 - 04:07 PM

Choices, choices! :-)

Can you try out the alternative residence to see if it suits you and works for what you need?

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 May 21 - 04:01 PM

Working out what to do next with my in-patient treatment.
No longer feeling stuck, if anything
I'm spoiled for options to choose from.

Looked at another in-patient, on-campus residence
which can be lived in, at a lower daily/monthly rate
than that charged at the main residence.

The main residence has the dining hall;
the smaller cheaper residence has its own kitchen,
and tenants may choose to continue to dine at the main residence
while sleeping in bedrooms at the cheaper treatment-plan building.


I could do this.

I could also move off-campus.
Thinking hard, very hard, about it all.

Post script:
most of the patients who were making life hell
for the rest of us,
have either discharged or
are in day treatment off-campus.
It's almost like a different community of patients. And yet.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 20 Apr 21 - 06:31 PM

Nobody but me is gonna care about this, that's okay:
today, after months months months too many months,
the auto service and repair required
FINALLY got done, and done right.
Sure it was expensive. I paid in full.
It was the time more than the money that was an obstacle.
Being an inpatient at a clinic, and getting the car serviced ...
harder than I planned on.

But here in this part of the US, this week in April, for some reason, is a vacation week;
and all my clinicians took their vacation this week, so I said:
Fine. I'll take a few days off from the clinic, go back to where I rent an apartment,
and make an appointment for the service mechanics I have a history with,
to evaluate and repair/replace things on my car.
This included a manufacturer recall involving seat belts,
that is something one does not leave to chance.

So the work is done, the bill is paid, and in a few days
I can drive back to the clinic and get back into the schedule.
The weather, thankfully, has been cooperating nicely.

I just feel hugely relieved.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 04:08 PM

Ooh no fun at all!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 Apr 21 - 12:40 PM

Requested, as an in-patient, and had scheduled for me at a local hospital,
my first colonoscopy.
Sound choice. Of course the bowel prep is miserable and all.
Much better to do it as an in-patient, with support,
before and after the procedure, from the clinic's nursing department.
The in-patient residence kitchen supported me during that day of fasting and cleansing
by heating clear chicken-soup broth for me.
All the comforts of home, really.
And they tell me -- at the hospital --
to come back for another procedure in ten years.
Thank goodness that's over.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 11:55 AM

Well, k, years of therapy... Decades... helped me, so I have hopes for your future emotional-weight loss.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Mar 21 - 11:23 AM

I welcome confronting conflict or disagreements and think destiny is 20/40 hindsight but who says this is the way to go. I know overall it doesn't help but I do it anyway. Sounds like your way is a perfectly fine way to navigate this diverse world. Persona is more varied than skin color.
As for staying afloat I've mastered the dead man's float and save energy compared to treading water. ;^/ I know there is no cure for dyslexia and am fine with it.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Mar 21 - 10:24 PM

The deflating answer to your question, Mrrzy, is no:
that weight is still inside me.
I experience it as resistance to confronting conflict or disagreements.
The whole point of being in treatment here is that I don't have to deal with this all alone,
but they can't make it go away -- I have to confront the resistance inside of me.


Jon Freeman, destiny is a mysterious thing.
Although your hospital had a low rating,
your experience there was somehow destined to be constructive and salubrious.

I'm having, on balance, good treatment at this institution where the patient milieu is a little ... unpredictable.
I don't name it, as you see.
The institution for one thing
would probably be all up my you-know-where,
did they know I was describing them online like this.
For another this institution has a reputation to uphold:
within its niche of long-term residential treatment
it has made a name for itself. So, I withhold the name.

And it is no secret at all, however quietly told,
that some patients have come to this very institution
and have had experiences that were thoroughly unfortunate.
You just never really know how things will work out,
no matter how you plan.