BS: stay afloat while others don't

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Apr 24 - 11:58 AM

Thank you keberoxu for your kind enquiry. I'm still waiting for my operation, but the Norfolk & Norwich hospital is snowed under with a long list of patients awaiting their operations. Apparently it could be around 18 weeks before they get in touch. Meanwhile I'm in quite a bit of pain but hey-ho, what can one do?

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Apr 24 - 01:00 PM

That's a dreadful wait, Senoufou! I hope something opens up much sooner for you.

Keberoxu, we all have varying degrees of open wounds as we progress through life; I once had a charming friend who caused a lot of pain and chaos for a number of people (we compared notes after his death). I recently revisited those wounds after reading the obituary of one of our mutual friends. I favor the "talking cure" to use words over medications for dealing with depressing issues, so decided to try a sonnet format to see if I can distill the old relationship (and an imagined outcome) into something that is resolved to my satisfaction. Are you familiar with the Mark Twain remark about writing a long letter because he didn't have time to write a short one? It's like that with a sonnet, they're short so take a while to craft, but are such a satisfying way to state the situation and resolve it all within 14 lines.

I've had a second sleep study (this time at home with a wrist device that connects to a finger and a wire to a chest sensor) and suspect that while it will again show some organic problems, mostly I need to mend my ways and develop a different evening routine that doesn't have me in front of the computer screen before bedtime. I've made a start in that direction already.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Apr 24 - 09:08 AM

Computers vs sleep: The current theory is that too much blue in artificial light causes the brain to think it's daylight. There's software out there which changes the colour balance for computer monitors, which helps redress this: I forget the name of the MS-Windows product, but what I use with Linux is called redshift.

There's a similar blue caste to LED lamps; manufacturers do this because it makes the lights look brighter than they really are. LED lamps with a redder output may be available, and are worth looking for if you're intending to read in bed to help send yourself to sleep.

Hope this helps, Stilly.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Apr 24 - 04:01 PM

It reminds me that I can change the color output on a couple of smart bulbs in the house, and it might be worth considering a programmable bulb in the office area for evenings. Mostly what I need to do is adjust my schedule so I'm doing different things late at night.

I have the phone and computer and tablet all set to use an evening routine that gives a more amber cast to the device screens. The thing that is most helpful is the schedule set up in the phone to not make any noises from 11pm to 7am. I used to have pings wake me; I don't turn the phone off that often any more (only periodically and usually to do with updates.)

Today's eclipse was fun - my nextdoor neighbors came over and we shared my pair of eclipse glasses - no one wanted to stare at the sun the whole time, glimpses were enough, and when the totality occurred it looked amazing; the camera can't do it justice, you have to just look with your eyes and enjoy the beauty of it. This is the kind of thing that is best not mediated by a camera lense between you and the thing you want to remember. I hope that anyone needing a mental boost today was in the path and could enjoy the occasion. It was a thrill to see it.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 04:32 PM

Today I was informed that my mother died yesterday.
Her passing was peaceful and my siblings were at her side.
There is no funeral, and her body was cremated.

Although we have been estranged for years,
and there is no shock at this news,
I find I am experiencing grief and loss.
I am actually very emotional and shaky.
I will have to go very carefully for a while.

I guess it is a good thing that I am in treatment,
as I can get the attention I will need, am needing now.
I'm grateful for this thread where I can share my grief.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 04:44 PM

Of course you are grieving; the pain from whatever caused the estrangement returns full-strength at a time like this. I hope hindsight helps; having removed yourself from a toxic situation was a sound move and one you need to remember was necessary. (My reference for this is from a similarly toxic relative who caused estrangement in our family - cutting your losses and moving on with your own life is the healthy thing to do. If that relationship is beyond repair you only hurt yourself by leaving yourself open to more harm from them if you keep trying.)

That said, were there early good times with her that you can revisit and celebrate, so you're not throwing your own past away?

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 06:39 PM

The toxic family situation was generational, and the toxic part was in place
long before my mother was born. So it was tough on her as well.
She was a single mother with her parents living next door,
and she felt responsible for three generations of people at once.
It was a lot to take on even in a healthy situation.
Some of my mother's choices were better than others.
And yes, there were some happy moments.

I don't know how things are with my siblings, as we don't speak.
I think there is hope, though;
we are the elders now, our mother was the last of her generation.
In our separate ways, each of us is free now, in a way that we were not before.
I'm still keeping my distance, though, it is the healthiest way.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 11:56 AM

Aw, keb, condolences.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 01:12 PM

keb, I am sorry for your loss and I hope you can work through the issues relating to your Mother and siblings.

It is the 22nd anniversary of my Mum's passing in two days so I have been thinking a lot about her this week. Luckily for me I have only good memories of her, so I am keeping you in my thoughts and hope that you can work through this and reach a lighter space in your life.


Stilly, I watched an excellent documentary about improving sleep recently, presented by one of my heroes, Dr Michael Mosley. Australia's Sleep Revolution with Dr Michael Mosley

There is also a site with some of his information.

FastAsleep: How to get a really good night’s rest

I used to have breathing issues while sleeping about 40 years ago but I had surgery to correct a deviated septum and the surgeon also recommended sleeping on my side, which I have done ever since. It helps a lot.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 Apr 24 - 06:41 PM

Thank you, one and all.
SOmeone asked me if I was experiencing grief in waves,
and I had to say, not yet.
I'm a thinker/doer, not a feeling/expression person,
although the emotions I do have are intense.
It seems I'm good at tamping feelings down,
and I must be doing a lot of that right now.
It means I can keep going and getting stuff done.
I guess my grief will surface when it needs to do so.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Apr 24 - 11:01 AM

See good news thread! I have won the long, hard fight to get my kid to hospital instead of jail!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Apr 24 - 11:52 AM

Good news, Mrrzy! That thread will be my next stop.

Helen, Thanks! I watched a program by Michael Mosley from years ago that had to do with different forms of fasting. I think he set off the surge in programs that tweak various types of intermittent fasting. (I lost 45 weight that way, but not using anyone's program. I watched my calories, keeping them to ~500 alternating days, regular eating the rest of the time, and got to the gym a lot). The program he hosted was Horizon, and he seems to have a lot of science interests (reminds me of the US host David Pogue, who came perilously close to that Titanic submersible that imploded in one of his programs).

I'm already finding that making myself leave the screen behind not only helps sleep but I'm getting to bed a bit earlier. Better quality of sleep is goal.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 25 Apr 24 - 01:23 PM

Yes, good news Mrrzy!

And keb, I have been keeping you in my thoughts, hoping you are feeling ok and progressing well on your life plans.

Stilly, my Hubby & I used Dr Mosley's 5:2 fasting diet (5 days of regular eating, 2 days - but not consecutive - of 500 calories, with mostly veges and salad and lean protein on the 2 days) a few years ago and we both lost the amount of weight we were aiming for and kept it off. Now I cut calories without thinking on certain days and stick fairly well to the Mediterranean type of foods and very, very limited junk food. (I do like hot chips now and then, but I only eat a few now and then and I have probably only had a few shop bought burgers in any given year.)

I have seen almost all of Mosley's TV shows and I think he bases his work very firmly on reliable, practical science which works in the real world. For that reason, I trust his Sleep Revolution suggestions.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: The Sandman
Date: 25 Apr 24 - 01:32 PM

i have found this breathing exercise helpful, Pranayama is the practice of breath regulation. It's a main component of yoga, an exercise for physical and mental wellness. In Sanskrit, “prana” means life energy and “yama” means control. The practice of pranayama involves breathing exercises and patterns

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Apr 24 - 02:14 PM

Where are the breathing exercises directed? Grief, sleep, or dieting?

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: The Sandman
Date: 25 Apr 24 - 03:54 PM

7uey are supposed to help sleep anxiety and stress, they go under the name 4 7 8 breathing exercises
4 second in through nose hold for 7 seconds then breath out through mouth for 8 seconds

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Apr 24 - 07:06 PM

Today was another difficult day.
Luckily there were people I could talk to.

Someone decided that my mother needed not one, but two obituaries.
They can be read online, that's where I found both of them.
The situation was this:
my mother stayed where she was born and raised until her father died.
Then she relocated across the country,
and lived her last forty years there --
of which roughly thirty years were in good health, before the end.

So the two obituaries were place-specific:
one for the area where my mother spent the early part of her life,
and another for the area where she relocated.
And yes, the obituaries were different -- related, but different.

In the place she came from, and published in their local newspaper,
the obituary did all the formal things,
identifying the pre-deceased and the survivors,
mentioning the parents and the upbringing,
all the places she went to school, and the divorce from the father of her children.
There was a brief paragraph about her relocation elsewhere, where she died.

In the place where she died, there was next to nothing about her life before she moved there.
Instead the obituary pretty much started with, "[name] moved to such-and-such a city in such-and-such a year," and went on from there.
Much attention was given to all the volunteering that she did in her healthy years there,
and to her time in assisted living and memory care. (Alzheimer's)

So it is almost as if she lived two lives in one.
ONe of my friends asked me who wrote these two obituaries,
and of course they never print the person who writes them.

Online obituaries can have photographs attached,
and both of them did -- completely different photos as well between each obituary.
I think looking at some of those photos was triggering for me a little bit, which is not surprising.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Apr 24 - 10:43 PM

From the point of view of an uninvolved bystander, that dual-obit sounds kind of perfect. Takes in everything.

I've realized in recent times that my history fits neatly into ~ 20 year segments, with radically different things happening in each of those times. That the people in those worlds don't know much about the people in the rest of them.