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BS: First joke thread of 2018

Mr Red 12 Oct 17 - 11:05 AM
Steve Shaw 12 Oct 17 - 11:09 AM
Mr Red 12 Oct 17 - 11:49 AM
Steve Shaw 12 Oct 17 - 06:22 PM
Mr Red 13 Oct 17 - 03:10 AM
Mr Red 13 Oct 17 - 03:11 AM
Mr Red 13 Oct 17 - 03:12 AM
Steve Shaw 13 Oct 17 - 08:53 AM
Bonzo3legs 15 Oct 17 - 10:50 AM
Mr Red 31 Dec 17 - 05:31 AM
Nigel Parsons 31 Dec 17 - 02:10 PM
Mrrzy 31 Dec 17 - 03:08 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Dec 17 - 04:44 PM
Dave the Gnome 31 Dec 17 - 04:59 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Dec 17 - 05:00 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Dec 17 - 05:02 PM
Mrrzy 31 Dec 17 - 06:08 PM
Donuel 31 Dec 17 - 06:25 PM
Andrez 01 Jan 18 - 06:29 AM
Jim Carroll 01 Jan 18 - 08:39 AM
Donuel 01 Jan 18 - 05:03 PM
Donuel 04 Jan 18 - 04:18 PM
Donuel 04 Jan 18 - 04:29 PM
Mrrzy 07 Jan 18 - 01:02 AM
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Subject: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:05 AM

a joke.
for Steve Shaw.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:09 AM

Very good. Much better than your Russian one!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:49 AM

??


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 06:22 PM

Horse walks into a pub. Barman says this pint's on me, so why the long face?


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:10 AM

A panda walks into a pub, walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a ..............................


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:11 AM

.............................


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:12 AM

............ a pint of ale please"

"certainly sir, but why the large pause"


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 08:53 AM

?.....because I have a bit of a stammer,? answered Ed Miliband.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 15 Oct 17 - 10:50 AM

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; ?In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."

The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 05:31 AM

Might as well refresh rather than start a new thread.

A Latvian man on his way to work notices some Russians digging holes and piling the earth in mounds. At the dinner break he notices the Russians sitting on the piles. As he plods home he sees another set of Russians filling in the holes, so he asks them what they were doing.
"Planting trees" came the reply. "But where are the trees" the Latvian asks. "Ah! Well, Dimitri is the tree planter and he is off sick today"


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 02:10 PM

From the Damian Green thread:
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 17 - 06:45 AM
"One-eyed Brown?" Jayz, that sez all there needs to be said about you, Iains. Do you kick cripples' crutches away in the street too?


From this thread:
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 08:53 AM
".....because I have a bit of a stammer," answered Ed Miliband.


So how is taking a dig at someone who lost the sight of one eye in a rugby match worse than taking a dig at someone with a congenital stammer?

Double standards anyone?


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 03:08 PM

Resolutions go in one year and out the other.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 04:44 PM

First I'd heard about a stammer! I just made that up. If he does have one I withdraw that remark. I do admire your thread research skills, Nigel (though I do wonder what you do to fill the rest of your life). Just keep joking in this thread, Nigel.

Did I tell you the one about the woman who sat in a bathful of glue?

Disarster...


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 04:59 PM

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?

Bob.

I was never any good at PC.

:D tG


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 05:00 PM

I can't find anything about Ed Miliband having a stammer. Ed Balls does suffer from a stammer. I suspect you have confused the two. I would never knowingly make fun of someone's disability.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 05:02 PM

Yebbut Dave, what do you call a man with no arms or legs who swims the Channel?


Clever Dick...


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 06:08 PM

Steve, that was bally awful.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 06:25 PM

Damian Dick private eye. The rolling black outs hit my side of town hard this dark winter. The Recession hasn't spared many. I'll take on any work I can find now including lost or unfaithful pets. So I said yes on a phone call, while sitting in the dark, from a woman who claims to have lost her wombat. With the vague promise of a deposit I headed down to Rapscallion bar and grill.

By candlelight her shapely figure and legs that went all the way to the floor were silhouetted in the smoke. Then I caught a glance of her face. It would've made Stevie Wonder cringe too. Confident I repeated my best pick up line "you must have fallen all the way from heaven,
cuz yur face is all messed up". Despite the stars I was seeing I was suddenly sober. Then she spoke softly behind her fist, "you're Damian Dick and I have a job for you, Rick Perry has been missing for 3 months and we need you to find him". The energy Secretary?
"Yes" Then I'll do it for a cool 100 grand.
"no you will do it for nothing"
Why would I do that?
"Because he knows nothing, does nothing and is worth nothing".
Pardon me miss I have a wombat to return.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Andrez
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 06:29 AM

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Best wishes to all 'catters for 2018

Cheers, Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 08:39 AM

Policeman walking along the road encounters two men, one lying face down on the pavement with his trousers around his ankles, the other kneeling next to him with a finger up his mate's backside
"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo, what are you tow doing here?" asks the policeman.
"My mate's drunk and I'm trying to make him sick" says the kneeling man
"You'll never make him sick like that", says the bobby
"I will when I put my finger in his mouth", came the reply
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 05:03 PM

Andrez - best joke of 2018 !


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 04:18 PM

reflush


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 04:29 PM

Typical White House Briefing

WH: It is disgraceful and laughable to claim the President does not fit his office.

No I claimed he is unfit for his office

WH: He is perfectly fit from all the golf he plays

You don't understand...

WH: No you don't understand, (whispers) if I claim to understand I will lose my job.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 18 - 01:02 AM

How do you like your lemon pie, you strumpet?

...

Tart!


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