BS: The joke's on me

Subject: BS: The joke's on me
From: Jackaroodave
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 04:15 PM

I don't know how this will work out, but I thought instead of telling jokes on others, we might try a thread where we tell jokes that our in-groups (liberals, conservatives, rugby fans, vegans . . . ) tell on ourselves.

Though there are some anti-anti-vegan jokes I found hilarious, I admit it was hard to find self-depreciating ones. But here goes:

Why does vegan cheese taste lousy?
Because it isn't tested on mice.

A young vegan couple decided to spice up their life so they borrowed a copy of "The Joy of Sex." When they returned it, their friend asked them if the book had helped.
The woman replied, "It was disgusting. We didn't know what we were getting into."
The friend, a bit surprised, asked them if they were against free sexual expression.
"No," said the man, "but you wouldn't believe what they want us to put in our mouths!"

It was easier to find Buddhist humor. These are a couple I like:

"There is no 'I' in 'Buddhism'"

"If you have ice cream, I will give you ice cream.
If you have no ice cream, I will take away your ice cream"
(The ice cream koan)

This might be too esoteric, but it made me laugh:

Bumper sticker: 'My other vehicle is a Mahayana.'

(Hinayana Buddhism is called "the lesser vehicle," Mahayana "the greater vehicle.")

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 05:17 PM

The sound of one flag snapping is incredible.
The sound of one hand clapping is ineffable.
The sound of one hole crapping is inevitable.

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 08:32 PM

If you are what you eat then vegetarians are....

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Mr Red
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 07:26 AM

My mantra: "I'm not a musician, I'm a drummer".

Mind you, you can read that either upscale or downside. I intend the former, but non-drummers might feel they are superior.

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 07:48 AM

A variation of that one goes:

What do you call someone who likes to hang out with musicians?

A drummer.

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Jackaroodave
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 08:47 AM

A folksinger at a party was entertaining the guests with a series of endless ballads and earnest protest songs.

When he was finished, one of the guests asked him, "Tell me, do you know why folksingers have no sense of humor?"

"No, he replied, "But if you give me the three chords, I can fake it."

Ba-da-bing!

Disclosure:
I ain't no folksinger, no folksinger's son,
But I can bore you all night, till the folksinger come.

Seriously, I love endless ballads and earnest protest songs and wish I COULD sing them.

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 09:34 AM

An elderly lady stood in front of the mirror and sighed. Her husband asked her what the problem was.
She said, "I'm all wrinkled, fat and extremely ugly. I need you to pay me a compliment to cheer me up."
He immediately responded, "Your eyesight is still perfect."

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 09:55 AM

. . . "And I don't know what you're wearing, but it needs ironing."

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 10:13 AM

My socialist dad once explained to me that capitalism was the exploitation of man by man, but socialism was the reverse.

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 01:10 PM

An old couple were having a nice evening round their friend's house for
dinner. The guest kept using all sorts of pet names for his wife, "Sweetie Pie", "Honeybunch" "My Princess" etc. While the women were in the kitchen serving up the food, the host said to his friend,
"You two have been married for fifty years, and I see you still call your wife these loving terms of endearment. Is that the secret of your happy marriage"
His friend answered,
"Nah. After all this time, I can't remember her name."

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: fat B****rd
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 02:03 PM

I was chatting to a bloke in a pub in Cleethorpes and he told me his wife had described him to a friend as a "model husband". he looked up model in the dictionary and found it to mean "a miniature version of the real thing"

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 02:16 PM

An oldster is at the doctor, who starts the Good News/Bad News thing. OK, what is the good news? Well, you have AIDS. What??!? That's the good news? Then what's the bad news? Um, you also have Alzheimer's.

...

Well, at least I don't have AIDS.

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 03:33 AM

Same doctor:
Bad news: You've got terminal cancer, and the rest of your life will be spent in terrible pain.
Good news: You'll only have to endure it for a week.

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 05:57 AM

The surgeon came to see the man after his operation. He said, I have some good news and some bad news. Said the man, what's the good news, doc? Well, said the doc, we only had to amputate half of your leg after all. So what's the bad news then, doc? said the man. Said the doc, it was the top half...

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 06:03 AM

On the same theme. The doctor came in and said to the man, I've got some bad news and some good news. What's the bad news, doc? said the man. Well I'm sorry to tell you that we had to amputate both your legs, said the doc. Oh my God! cried the man. So what's the good news? Well, said the doc, the man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers...

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 06:38 AM

I paid for my ex wife to have a very expensive facial mudpack...... For a while she looked really beautiful... but then they took the mudpack off!!

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 06:58 AM

This isn't a joke, it's true.
Our lovely postman rang the doorbell just now to deliver a parcel.
My husband opened the door, greeted the chap and called out loudly to me,
"Eeez a parcel for de Niggerman darling!"
(He'd ordered yet another football shirt from ManU)

I wish he'd stop using that 'N' word, but he finds it hilariously funny. Luckily our postie knows him of old and laughed his head off.
Oh dear...

Subject: RE: BS: The joke's on me
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 08:39 AM

A man wakes up in hospital following a crash, and finds he is immobilised on the bed with a tent effect over his whole body.

"Nurse! Nurse!" he shouts, "I can't feel my legs."

"No sir," replies the nurse. "We've amputated your hands!"