BS: Joke Thread for 2021

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 07:43 AM

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 06:38 AM

At last, a joke good enough to tell Mrs Steve!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Jan 21 - 06:28 AM

A man is chatting over the garden fence with his neighbour and asks him about his recent holiday.

"It was fantastic. Really good hotel, right on the beach; sangria; sunshine; what more could you want? And it wasn't too expensive".

"That sounds good", replies the man, "how much was it?"

The neighbour, who's getting on in years, puts his hand to his forhead and says "It was .... erm .... what's that coin?"

"A Euro?"

"No, English".

"A Pound?"

"No, less than that".

"A penny?"

"Yeah, that's it". He opens the back door of his house and shouts inside, "Here, Penny, how much did we pay for that hotel?"



DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Jan 21 - 07:24 PM

Has anyone got any actual jokes? (Apart from you - sorry, Doug!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 24 Jan 21 - 06:42 PM

Boris Johnson phoned the new man at the White House yesterday : he was just Biden his time .....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Jan 21 - 08:13 AM

An old man passed away and his daughter had the difficult job of telling her young son that he wouldn't bee seeing his grandfather any more. She sat him on her knee and started to explain but it was clear from his face that he wasn't taking it in. So she started again, in a way she hoped he would understand.

"Do remember when we found that little baby bird on the path, the other day?"

Suddenly, a look of surprise came across his face. He turned to his mother and, in a shocked tone, said

"Grandad fell out of a tree?"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 04:56 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVfGItTM7ss

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 11:00 AM

Two Lions were walking down Deansgate in Manchester one Saturday afternoon.

One says to t'other it's quiet for a Saturday ain't it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 10:58 AM

"Keep running that play until you get it right" said Larry King, Married 8 times and once arrested for grand larceny

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 05:54 AM

A boy arrives at school wearing a Fitbit watch. The P.E. teacher is most impressed and asks him of he is keeping track of his steps. "No" he replies. "I'm wearing it for my Mum, so Dad won't think that she's been sitting down, watching TV all day".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Jan 21 - 05:40 AM

Stormy Daniels claims to have had a brief affair with Donald Trump for which she was well-compensated, Trump says it isn't so.
I don't know who to believe, the fake blonde with the big boobs or the porn star.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Jan 21 - 06:50 AM

Just as well, after the last occupant of the WH.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jan 21 - 05:53 PM

Biden's dog has no nose...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jan 21 - 11:02 AM

I need non-coronavirus and non-Trump jokes... you can hope but you can't hide

Stephen Colbert US talk show host not only sang a shanty, well a line of Billy o' Tea, but made a telling remark.

It was a picture of a truck being loaded at the White House and he quipped "I never thought I would find a picture of a moving truck............. moving"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 09:18 AM

Thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 09:13 AM

His humor often stays.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 09:06 AM

*Groan* but hurray! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 08:28 AM

Of corset is Steve Shaw.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jan 21 - 05:44 AM

My God, is the corset shop still open? I think I've just busted mine...

:-(

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:20 PM

People are saying "you poked the bear and will pay for it".
I suppose we all have a bear to cross.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:13 PM

And you thought 2021 would be different.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 08:59 PM

That'll do! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 08:25 PM

I said to the wife's sister in bed this morning, there's too much happiness in the world. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 05:24 PM

I know. We're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Indicative of the times I suppose. I admit to a small grin when I read yours, but I think I need non-coronavirus and non-Trump jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 04:30 PM

Thanks for that vote of confidence, Steve. Well, it made me chuckle when I first heard it.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 04:03 PM

I've been biting my lip here, but I couldn't agree more, Raggytash. If yanks find his stuff funny, well I can say is that it explains everything that's wrong with America. Seven posts, eight now, and not a laugh in sight apart from Georgiansilver's ancient one. I mean, for God's sake. I hardly have the energy to conjure up a joke meself. "Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains!" "Hmm, I thought you looked a little drawn..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 03:09 PM

Donuel, I know that this has been posted before but your "humour" is only "humourous" to yourself.

You are not funny to the rest of us.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 11:53 AM

or switched Donald with old Donald, I don't know which is worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 11:44 AM

Abraham bound his son Isaac on an altar at Moriah long ago, as he had been instructed by God. An angel suddenly stopped Abraham when he was about to slay his son and switched Isaac with a ram! WHAM
Donald bound his son Donald on an alter in Maralago, as he had been instructed by Satan. A demon suddenly stopped Donald when he was about to slay his son and switched old Donald with Donald! WHAM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:56 AM

...definitely not a headless chicken, then, DC!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 09:29 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

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Because the chicken coming towards him would have been too close for social distancing!

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 07:40 AM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'.

Subject: BS: Joke Thread for 2021
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 17 Jan 21 - 07:16 AM

With "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" on the tele last night, I thought of this query but, when I just searched, only found joke threads for 2018 to 2020.

So, if I may, why does Harrison Ford often spill his drink in movies? Spilberg?!