BS: Funny witticisms

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Sol
Date: 04 Mar 24 - 04:12 PM

Whenever he was one short of something, an old colleague of mine used to say, "I've got an extra one too less."
??? Go figure.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Mar 24 - 03:11 PM

Argh! Gandhi! Sorry!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: robomatic
Date: 29 Feb 24 - 03:06 PM

Let's be kind and ask a moderator to correct the common mis-spelling of the proper noun in the previous message. Then please eliminate this message.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Feb 24 - 09:53 AM

Ghandi comes to mind... when asked what he thought of western civilization, he thought it would be a good idea.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: robomatic
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 06:03 PM

My version of the Oscar Wilde toast:

"To the United States: The only country to go from barbarism to decadence without a period of civilization in between!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 05:51 PM

GBS also had the perfect definition of golf: "A good walk spoiled".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Feb 24 - 11:16 AM

Not sure who said Americans think 100 years is a long time, whereas Brits think 100 miles is a long way.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Neil D
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 04:05 AM

Didn't G.B. Shaw say that the British and Americans were to peoples separated by a common tongue?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 23 Feb 24 - 02:32 AM

Ezra Pound quoted two supposed conversations between English royalty and the first Minister for Foreign Affairs of the Irish Free State, Desmond Fitzgerald, who, like all of that first Irish government had served in the Irish Republican Army during the War of Independence, and also served plenty of time in English jails and prison camps:

1)
Queen Mary: What did you do in the war?
DF: Time

2)
King George: Were you ever in the army?
DF (not to be high-hatted): Not the *British* Army.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 24 - 11:13 AM

Hey hey hey booboo!

I read all those to my kids when he died. They rolled on the floor and laughed their asses off.

Pity none (that I know of) were *intentional* - so maybe malapropisms rather than witticisms?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 07:12 PM

Reminds me of, "The older I get the better I was".

(Smarter than the avuhrage bear!)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MudGuard
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 03:25 PM

When I was young, everything was better. Even the future ...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 01:31 PM

Did he say something about picanic baskets?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 12:33 PM

I like those Yogi Berra quotes - although I'm not sure why anyone would bother quoting, "It's fun; baseball's fun" or "I'm glad I was in the Navy" ... and there are a few that strike me more as 'Yogi Berra inspired' than as authentic, such as, "The future ain't what it used to be". Of course, I could be wrong .....

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Sol
Date: 18 Feb 24 - 07:35 PM

Yogi Bera - the king of (unintended?) witticisms.
Yogi Bera quotes

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Feb 24 - 09:32 AM

But if Voltaire had not existed, it would not have been necessary to invent him. Nietzche, I think. Well, I know he said it about someone who'd said that if god hadn't existed it would have been necessary to invent him.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 12:18 PM

I think Voltaire also said, or wrote, "It's because one can be silly that the many don't hang themselves".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 11:55 AM

Was it Voltaire, seeing a candle by his deathbed... What, the flames already?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 10:11 AM

Oscar Wilde, while being served champagne on his death bed, supposedly said "I'm dying beyond my means."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 08:26 AM

Never argue with a pedant. It wastes your time, and annoys the pedant.

Misquoted from memory...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 05 Feb 24 - 07:41 AM

Mark Twain" never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 05 Feb 24 - 04:45 AM

> is Rafe misspelled, or Ralph mispronounced?

Yes.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 10:10 PM

... uh ... I dunno ... much as I'm flattered - why ya asking me?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 04:02 PM

Meself, it's spelled Ralph, pronounced Rafe. So,is Rafe misspelled, or Ralph mispronounced?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 12:13 PM

Oh, I'm not peevish about Rafe/Ralph, Gillymor, just fascinated by snobberies.
Meanwhile, back to wit: GB Shaw - "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always rely on the support of Paul."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 11:00 AM

Theodore Roosevelt. "I am an American; free born and free bred, where I acknowledge no man as my superior, except for his own worth, or as my inferior, except for his own demerit."

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 05:33 PM

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 05:19 PM

... regarded with distaste by the Nancy Mitford types ...

Talking of Nancy Mitford, let's get back to the witticisms:-



“I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.”
- Nancy Mitford

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:05 PM

"a common language", that is ....

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:04 PM

Not a witticism nor a criticism, just an observation: as a North American, I suppose, I have no idea of the meaning of that post just made by Thompson. Divided by one language, and all that.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 07:48 AM

Isn't there a language thread open for the peevish.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:59 AM

Rafe/Ralph - someone who was an ace observer of English class consciousness told me many years ago that "Rafe" was a gutty pronunciation regarded with distaste by the Nancy Mitford types (who also, apparently regarded their royal family as rather infra dig).

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 24 - 10:28 PM

Right.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 08:56 PM

' it's the USA, the melting pot of the world, which felt a need to standardize. Hence:

Wagner: the German "varg" became "wag".
Warwick: the English "worrick" became "war-wick".'

Seems to me it's nothing to do with "a need to standardize"; it's just pronouncing names the way they are spelled - you know, because you're a simple peasant who's never heard one of their betters say, "Varg(?)ner" or "Worrick".

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 04:32 PM

I queastion "Irish "Lough Head" would have become "log-head", so they changed the spelling" ... Isn't it more likely they simply (mis)spelled Lough Head [pronounced in Irish] phonetically? That's why Wooster, Mass, etc...

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 07:34 AM

I have never heard the wag version of 'Vagner' the composer.
I do hear people dropping the ing for in and dropping the d at the end of a word or saying axe instead of ask.

Americans pronounce the er at the end of a word while some English turn it into a soft a. These are more like language pet peeves than witticisms.

The thing about English is that it is the official language of the sky and is spoken by all professional pilots when flying. You just can't say Mayday unless you are in a life-and-death situation.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 06:44 AM

English is a bastard language, its strange pronunciations & spellings inherited from many different tongues. Curiously it's the USA, the melting pot of the world, which felt a need to standardize. Hence:

Wagner: the German "varg" became "wag".
Warwick: the English "worrick" became "war-wick".
Lockheed: the Irish "Lough Head" would have become "log-head", so they changed the spelling.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Jan 24 - 01:23 PM

Tops!

I am reminded of someone re:Pirates of Penzance, wondering whether it was that the Brits couldn't spell Rafe, or that they couldn't pronounce Ralph.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Reinhard
Date: 17 Jan 24 - 01:46 AM

Very nice, Mrrzy! But then there's also

THE CHAOS

Dr. Gerard Nolst Trenité
(Netherlands, 1870-1946)

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,

    I will teach you in my verse
    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;1

    Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;
    Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!

    Just compare heart, hear and heard,
    Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it's written).

    Made has not the sound of bade,
    Say - said, pay - paid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,

    But be careful how you speak,
    Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;

    Woven, oven, how and low,
    Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,

    Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
    Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,

    Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
    Solar, mica, war and far.

From "desire": desirable - admirable from "admire",
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,

    Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
    Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.

    Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
    Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.

    This phonetic labyrinth
    Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,

    Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
    Peter, petrol and patrol?

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

    Blood and flood are not like food,
    Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.

    Discount, viscount, load and broad,
    Toward, to forward, to reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation's OK.

    Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
    Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Is your R correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia.

    Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
    Buoyant, minute, but minute.

Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;

    Would it tally with my rhyme
    If I mentioned paradigm?

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?

    Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
    Rabies, but lullabies.

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,

    You'll envelop lists, I hope,
    In a linen envelope.

Would you like some more? You'll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.

    To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
    Does not sound like Czech but ache.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.

    We say hallowed, but allowed,
    People, leopard, towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.

    Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
    Chalice, but police and lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

    Petal, penal, and canal,
    Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",

    But it is not hard to tell
    Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,

    Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
    Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the A of drachm and hammer.

    Pussy, hussy and possess,
    Desert, but desert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.

    Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
    Cow, but Cowper, some and home.

"Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",
Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor",

    Making, it is sad but true,
    In bravado, much ado.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.

    Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
    Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.

    Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
    Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.

    Mind! Meandering but mean,
    Valentine and magazine.

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,

    Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
    Tier (one who ties), but tier.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?

    Prison, bison, treasure trove,
    Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.

    Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
    Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;

    Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
    Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.

    Evil, devil, mezzotint,
    Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention,

    Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
    Rhyming with the pronoun yours;

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,

    Funny rhymes to unicorn,
    Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.

    No. Yet Froude compared with proud
    Is no better than McLeod.

But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,

    Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
    Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,

    But you're not supposed to say
    Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.

Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,

    How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
    When for Portsmouth I had booked!

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,

    Episodes, antipodes,
    Acquiesce, and obsequies.

Please don't monkey with the geyser,
Don't peel 'taters with my razor,

    Rather say in accents pure:
    Nature, stature and mature.

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,

    Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
    Wan, sedan and artisan.

The TH will surely trouble you
More than R, CH or W.

    Say then these phonetic gems:
    Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget 'em -

    Wait! I've got it: Anthony,
    Lighten your anxiety.

The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight - you see it;

    With and forthwith, one has voice,
    One has not, you make your choice.

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.

    Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
    Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,

Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry, fury, bury,

    Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
    Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners

    Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
    Puisne, truism, use, to use?

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,

    Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
    Put, nut, granite, and unite

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

    Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
    Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;

    Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
    Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it

    Bona fide, alibi
    Gyrate, dowry and awry.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

    Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,

    Rally with ally; yea, ye,
    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.

    Never guess - it is not safe,
    We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.

Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,

    Face, but preface, then grimace,
    Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;

    Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
    Do not rhyme with here but heir.

Mind the O of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,

    With the sound of saw and sauce;
    Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.

    Respite, spite, consent, resent.
    Liable, but Parliament.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,

    Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
    Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.

A of valour, vapid, vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),

    G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
    I of antichrist and grist,

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.

    Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
    Polish, Polish, poll and poll.

Pronunciation - think of Psyche! -
Is a paling, stout and spiky.

    Won't it make you lose your wits
    Writing groats and saying 'grits'?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,

    Islington, and Isle of Wight,
    Housewife, verdict and indict.

Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?

    Finally, which rhymes with enough,
    Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??

Hiccough has the sound of sup...
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jan 24 - 06:50 PM

Then there is this…

The King’s English

    Anonymous

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?

Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead --
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat…
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not the moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,

And then there’s dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.

And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart,
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Sakes alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Jan 24 - 03:20 AM

I'm pinching the weird English one, Doug :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Jan 24 - 01:39 PM

I was reminded of a cartoon. Three women standing. One says, And this is my significant mother.

Freudian slip:
When you mean to say one thing and accidentally say your mother.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 12 Jan 24 - 12:02 PM

Response to a heckler "when they circumsised you they thew away the wrong bit" attributed to Joe Stead

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 12 Jan 24 - 11:55 AM

Along the same lines:

A local personage of some considerable girth was MCing a concert. He approached the microphone to begin the proceedings, as a friend of mine had his head turned, talking away to his neighbour. The sizable MC said, "Ken, do you mind? We want to get started." Ken turned and said, "Oh, sorry - I couldn't see you there behind the mike-stand!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 10 Jan 24 - 05:23 PM

In Ireland we generally have either very tall presidents or very tiny presidents. One of the tiny ones was Sean T O'Kelly, universally known as Seán T, who also had a very tall wife. One day he was given the honour of throwing in the ball at the All-Ireland Hurling Final. As the crowd fell reverently silent, one shouted, "Cut the grass, we can't see the President!"

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 05:16 AM

Getting back to the witticisms:-

“English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.”

Anonymous (unless anyone knows better!)

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:54 AM

"Carrying on" had the implication of an illicit, extra-marital relationship where I came from.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:34 AM

Another euphemism for indulging in an intimate relationship was "carrying on" when I lived oop north.

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Rain Dog
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:24 AM

I once heard the expression "Does anyone go near you at all?" When theg were asking someone if they were dating anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:10 AM

Mom always wondered why Going Out (with someone) was a euphemism for Sleeping With.

That may have been more in Mom's mind than in fact. It's not just beauty that is in the eye of the beholder.

For me, 'going out' signifies dating. They could be have having a sexual relationship but, on the other hand, the young lady may be preserving her modesty for her wedding night.

DC