Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!

Subject: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Apr 24 - 04:19 AM

Crazy stuff going on in my old hometown. In fact - My old church! 3 of kids went to school at St Lukes and it was 5 minutes walk from where we last lived in Salford.

Church statue thefts

I am sure there must be a song in there but I can't think of one at the mo - it's too early :-)

Do your worst...

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: GUEST,Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Apr 24 - 07:22 AM

Well, there's always that Negro Spiritual "Steal Away With Jesus..."

Oh, hang on...

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: GUEST,Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Apr 24 - 07:56 AM

Just a couple of miles up the road in Prestwich, Dave, are my mum's church and school, Our Lady of Grace. Through-and-through Salford girl was me mum. There are a couple of inviting-looking statues of the Virgin in the church. Instead of the song Ave Maria, the thieves could be thinking "I'm going to 'ave Maria..."

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Apr 24 - 09:43 AM

Mudcat creativity has let me down apart from a couple of fine efforts from Steve!

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: GUEST,Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Apr 24 - 05:46 PM

Well there's the song "Jesus on the Mainline," a possible escape route for the thieves. Though I can't help thinking that it didn't mean the Bury Metro tram to Victoria Station...

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Apr 24 - 07:06 PM

When it comes to 'Our Lady' and St Bernadette, maybe they should have taken Cliff Richard's advice in 'Living Doll':

I'm gonna lock her up in a trunk
So, no big hunk can steal her away from me

DC

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Apr 24 - 10:01 PM

There is a song by Christian music singer, Jason Crabb, called "I'll take Jesus". Perhaps someone took it a bit too literally!

DC

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Joe Offer
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 03:35 AM

It was kinda funny the first time that Baby Jesus was stolen from the creche outside our parish church...and it was returned
By the fourth and fifth time, it wasn't funny anymore and the thieves no longer returned Him.
We screwed a lag bolt up His ass. That solved the problem.

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 03:53 AM

Our kids always used to put various toys in our Christmas crib scene. We had a dinosaur and Luke Skywalker in there one year :-)

Thanks all anyway. I'm getting some inspiration

I suppose if the thieves struck at Christmas they could sing away with a manger...

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: GUEST,Oriel Wynn-Dawe
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 05:51 AM

Instructions presumably available in the Sound of Music "How do you steal a statue of Ma-reee-arr?"

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: GUEST,Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 08:50 AM

There's the song "Jesus Stole My Girlfriend" by the Aussie band Violent Soho. I'm strongly suspecting that the statue theft was a revenge attack by the bloke in the song...

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 11:00 AM

Since Amos died there don't seem to be Mudcatters actually interested in writing those new lyrics to fit the occasion, Dave.

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: GUEST,Steve Shaw.
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 11:12 AM

But the good humour is flowing free all the same!

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 11:29 AM

Aye - He is sadly missed. I'm sure if we keep trying someone will take up the torch though :-)

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 11:59 AM

From the pen of Microsoft's AI co-pilot :-D

“The Vanishing Saints”
(Verse 1) In a quiet town where the river bends,
Stood an old stone church, its walls embraced by time.
Outside, three statues stood tall and serene,
Jesus, Mary, and Bernadette, their faces sublime.

(Chorus) But one fateful night, when the moon hung low,
A shadow crept forth, unseen by mortal eyes.
A thief with a heart as cold as the winter snow,
Stole the saints away, leaving the faithful in surprise.

(Verse 2) The townsfolk gathered, their whispers like leaves,
“What happened to our guardians?” they cried.
The priest raised his hands, seeking solace in prayer,
As the empty pedestals echoed their loss far and wide.

(Chorus) But the thief was cunning, a phantom in the night,
He melted into shadows, leaving no trace behind.
Jesus, Mary, and Bernadette, now lost from sight,
Their absence a wound that time could never bind.

(Verse 3) The river whispered secrets to the ancient stones,
Of a desperate soul seeking redemption or gold.
Did the thief steal for greed or some deeper need?
Only the night wind knew, its secrets untold.

(Chorus) The townspeople searched, their lanterns ablaze,
Through mist-laden forests and moonlit glades.
They sang hymns of hope, their voices raised,
Praying for the return of the saints they praised.

(Bridge) In a hidden attic, the statues stood side by side,
Their marble eyes wide, witnessing the thief’s plight.
Jesus wept for the lost, Mary held forgiveness,
And Bernadette whispered, “Darkness can birth light.”

(Chorus) The thief, burdened by guilt, returned to the church,
Placed the statues back, their weight heavy on his soul.
He knelt before them, tears streaming down,
Seeking absolution, redemption, and a chance to be whole.

(Outro) Now the townsfolk sing a different tune,
Of stolen saints and a thief’s remorseful plea.
For sometimes salvation comes in unexpected forms,
And the vanished statues remind us all to see.

Feel free to sing this around a campfire or share it with fellow wanderers.

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: GUEST,Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 02:01 PM

Well Jaysus himself wasn't above a bit of thievery! In Luke 19:29 he got a couple of his disciples to nick a mule. Huh. Let he who is without sin and all that... ;-)

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 02:42 PM

Well, He’s already been co-opted…many times, actually.

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 02:59 PM

In Luke 19:29 he got a couple of his disciples to nick a mule.

Maybe that's why they nicked him from St Luke's! :-D

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 06:36 PM

Here is my effort, not from AI. There's no tune yet so the meter might need adjusting:-


They disappeared one by one
Holy statues on the run
Both priest and layman hollered “THEFT !”
That's not the reason why they left
Three of them had gone away
On a Holy holiday

It was St Bernadette’s idea.
She whispered in an angel’s ear
If they could just get Jesus down
They’d spend the night out on the town
And so, the three of them took flight
And disappeared into the night

Now, Jesus was inclined to roam
Last time He was away from home
For forty days and forty nights
Far from Irlams o' th Height*
But that time didn’t end so well
He died to save our souls from Hell

This time, there was worse to come
He’d reckoned without his mum
As days and weeks and months went past
She knew he needed finding fast
So she too parted from St Luke*
To give her son a sharp rebuke

The story made it to the press
It was declared a crime, no less
But if Our Lady finds a trace
The statues could be back in place
Be sure their punishment will be
Straight to bed without their tea

*The church involved was St Lukes, Irlams o' th Height.


DC

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 10:29 PM

I realised, after I had posted the above, that it's Irlams o' th Height not Irlam o' the Heights. It kind of spoils the rhyme with "forty nights" but, hey ho, it is what it is!

(Although I tell myself that it doesn't really matter, my mind probably won't rest until I've fixed it.)

DC

---

The correction was made. ---mudelf

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: BobL
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 02:26 AM

"Nick a mule" - where do you get that idea? No thievery, no mule. A possible part of the Biblical backstory is that the "Jesus for king" lot (John 6:15) had arranged for his triumphal entry to Jerusalem on a charger - "The master needs him" was a password. He took the wind out of their sails by using a donkey instead.

And now, back to the ecclesiastical thefts...

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 02:38 AM

Well done Doug :-D

It's officially Irlams o' th" Height, but all us locals just call it "th" Heights" so feel free to amend it accordingly.

The priest while we were there was Father John, retired now and an avid United fan (Sorry Steve) who could have played for them back in the day but chose the priesthood instead. Saved him from the Munich disaster - now there's another song! He was a smashing bloke and I would have loved to hear his reaction. On marching 2 young lads round to their parents after some misdemeanor one said to him "You're a Christian so please don't tell my Dad". He replied "I'm not a Christian, I'm a Catholic." :-)

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 02:51 AM

A young mule is called a colt, BobL, and the verses in question imply that the disciplines did indeed nick it! :-)

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 03:22 AM

It's officially Irlams o' th" Height, but all us locals just call it "th" Heights"

I just assumed that Irlam (which I have been to) and Irlams o' th' Height (which I haven't been to) were more or less the same place but I see that there's a distance of 6 or 7 miles between the two places. I will have to read more carefully next time.

DC

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 03:29 AM

Thanks Mudelf.

DC

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 03:59 AM

Aye, Irlam in this case was the hame of the landlord of a pub there. It is not particularly high but much higher than the surroundings so the pub was known as Irlams o' th' Height. Still known locally as th' Heights though so stick to your original!

Back in my early drinking days another pub near there, the Britannia if I remember rightly, was half in Salford and half in Swinton so the lounge and the vault had different opening hours! Another song in there somewhere :-D

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: GUEST,Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 05:08 AM

Odd, innit. Though Radcliffe born and bred, I'm amazed when I contemplate the number of places within a cockstride thereof that I never set foot it in. Irlam (high or not), Pendleton (even though my dad was the Burton shop manager there for years), Swinton, Leigh, Failsworth, Ashton, Eccles...

Early drinking days, Dave? Tut tut now. Nothing before 7pm, aka wine o'clock... :-)

Subject: RE: Song challenge - Jesus has been stolen!
From: GUEST,Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 08:56 AM

An it too many there...