Musician Humor?

Subject: Musician Humor?
From:
Date: 12 Jun 97 - 05:50 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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Anyone up for trading musician jokes? Like...
Q What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?
A Homeless.
Q How do you make an electric guitar player turn down the volume?
A Put sheet music in front of him.
Q Why are banjo players so important to bluegrass?
A If it wasn't for the banjo, all bluegrass songs wouldn't sound the same.
Disclaimer: All presented in whimsical jest. No serious digs allowed. (I'm sure this is a misuse of the folk discussion group. Sorry. I'll go to my room. Did you hear the one...

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Jack
Date: 12 Jun 97 - 06:03 PM

I'm sure these are well known to most here but just in case they pulled anyone out of cryogenic suspension in the past week. How can you tell if the bluegrass stage is level - The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth. How many fiddle players does it take to change a light bulb (One - they just hold onto the bulb and let the world revolve around them).

Badump-bump!

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Tempted to use someone else's name
Date: 12 Jun 97 - 07:54 PM

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? No one cries when you cut up an accordion.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Alan of Oz
Date: 12 Jun 97 - 08:07 PM

What's the difference between a trampoline and an accordion? You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Dorothy of Oz
Date: 12 Jun 97 - 08:51 PM

What's the definition of perfect pitch? Hmmmmm?

It's when you throw the banjo into the dumpster and it lands RIGHT ON the accordion.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb (got to be careful here)?

Four...one to change the bulb and three to complain that it's electric.

And one of my favorites when you're in a folk circle... always refer to your capo as a "banjo stopper".

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 12 Jun 97 - 09:52 PM

What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?

An incurable optimist...

(And, yes, one of my best friends is...an incurable optimist!)

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Alison
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 12:00 AM

Hi

I tried to resist this thread but...............

Why do accordion players stand for long periods outside peoples houses?

They can't find the key ,and they don't know when to come in.

sorry....

Alison

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From:
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 01:08 AM

If you needed to ask directions and you met a good accordion player, a bad accordion player and a pink elephant, who would you ask?

The bad accordion player - the other two are figments of your imagination.

Also sorry (Maybe),
Alan

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: F.Schulte-Noelle
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 02:20 AM

To the orchestra viola players are what banjo players are to bluegrass bands. How do you get a chord cluster? - If the whole viola section plays unisono...

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Lionel
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 03:52 AM

My favourite in this vein is the Garry Larson cartoon. Its a two panel - the top panel has a picture of heaven and St Peter is greeting a new arrival with "Welcome to heaven - Here is your Harp". The bottom panel is a picture of hell with the devil greeting another new arrival saying "Welcome to Hell - here is you Accordion".

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From:
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 04:14 AM

What's the wa to use a kettledrum best? - Remove the skin, - use it to kindle a fire under the kettledrum, and - brew a good grog for the entire (firemen's) drum section.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From:
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 04:15 AM

What's the way to use a kettledrum best? - Remove the skin, - use it to kindle a fire under the kettledrum, and - brew a good grog for the entire (firemen's) drum section.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Dave
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 10:27 AM

Q) What do you call ten Banjos at the bottom of the sea?

A) A start...

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Bert Hansell
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 10:31 AM

Give me a key and I'll play in any flat.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: LaMarca
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 11:21 AM

Okay, guys; the Web has been down this road before. For the Motherlode of musician jokes, try

http://www.mit.edu:8001/people/jcb/other-instrument-jokes.html

This gentleman has been collecting them for a couple years; he even has a whole separate page of viola jokes. Enjoy!

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Mischieva
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 03:56 PM

I don't exactly remember where I found it, but somewhere on the web, maybe the address in the previous note, there's about 25 pages (when printed out) of instrument jokes.. even down to about 6-7 bodhran jokes. :)

How do you tell when a percussionist is at your door? The knocking gets slower and slower How do you tell when a bodhran player is at your door? The knocking gets faster and faster. What's the difference between a hammered dulcimer and a mountain dulcimer? The hammered burns hotter, the dulcimer burns longer. What's an oboe good for? Lighting a bassoon on fire.

And so forth, and so forth. And again, no offense intended to anybody.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Mischieva
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 04:11 PM

I don't exactly remember where I found it, but somewhere on the web, maybe the address in the previous note, there's about 25 pages (when printed out) of instrument jokes.. even down to about 6-7 bodhran jokes. :)

How do you tell when a percussionist is at your door? The knocking gets slower and slower How do you tell when a bodhran player is at your door? The knocking gets faster and faster. What's the difference between a hammered dulcimer and a mountain dulcimer? The hammered burns hotter, the dulcimer burns longer. What's an oboe good for? Lighting a bassoon on fire.

And so forth, and so forth. And again, no offense intended to anybody.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Peter Timmerman
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 06:42 PM

I once read a report about an international conference on humor, held -- are you waiting -- in Belfast. One of the papers was about light bulb jokes, or more broadly, why are certain groups singled out for mockery. The thesis of the paper was that the jokes tended to be about people on the very edge of one's linguistic group, and/or if those people were in-migrants to an urban culture and took jobs at the bottom of the scale. This explained why Parisians told jokes about Belgians, Londoners about Irishmen, and so on. Counter-jokes also played on this theme, e.g. How many Parisians (fill in your elite group here) does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to mix the martinis, and one to call the electrician. I don't know what this has to do about musicians, but I thought this thread needed some bracing academic input. Are viola players assumed to be stupid because they play stuff that no one notices in the middle of the important stufff played by the elite violins, etc? I leave banjo players alone. Yours, Peter

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Ted
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 07:22 PM

If you throw a banjo plaer and a guitarist off of a 12 story building, who will hit the ground first? the guitarist, the banjo player would have to stop at least twice to retune

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Barry Finn
Date: 13 Jun 97 - 10:35 PM

How many banjo player does it take to eat a possum? 3, 1 to eat it & 2 to stop the oncoming traffic.

Terrorists held 10 banjo player & demanded $1,000,000. or they'd turn them lose.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Peter Timmerman
Date: 14 Jun 97 - 02:31 PM

Couldn't resist, for those too lazy to turn to the MIT page.

Q:

If you threw a viola player and a soprano off a cliff, which would hit the ground first?

A:

(1) The viola player, because the soprano would stop halfway and ask for directions.

(2) Who cares?

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: LaMarca
Date: 16 Jun 97 - 11:24 AM

Don't remember if this one's on the MIT page (it almost HAS to be), but as a female vocalist, I always liked it:

Q:What's the difference between a terrorist and a chick singer with a band?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist, AND he carries his own equipment...

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 16 Jun 97 - 12:53 PM

The leader of a bluegrass band had to break up a fight between the banjo player and the fiddler. Demanding to know who started it, the fiddler replied, "he hit me first," to which the banjo player responded, "yeah, but he started it, he tuned down one of my strings, and won't tell me which one!"

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Dale Rose
Date: 16 Jun 97 - 01:04 PM

Well, you folks have finally wandered into my territory. As one who enjoys music immensely, but does not play, one of my outlets is writing or adapting banjo jokes for my favorite string band. Here are a few, mostly original.

What do you get when you cross a banjo with a sports car? You do get a hard driving banjo, but you also get a car that won't start without a complete tuneup everytime!

My favorite banjo player went trick or treating last Halloween. She used her imagination to its fullest extent, dressing up as a banjo player. At the first house, they asked her to tune it up perfectly and play for them before they would give her a treat. She said, that was alright, she didn't want any candy anyway.

Do you know how to get a banjo player to tune up REALLY fast? Easy~~just start without her!

Did you hear about the rock band that added a banjo to its music? They discovered that it was a lot more fun smashing banjos than guitars!

Somebody asked me the other day where I got all these banjo jokes. I told them it was quite easy--just watch any banjo player for five minutes or so, and you've got enough material for several days.

OK, I'll shut up, I know that more than two banjo jokes in a row is cruel and unusual punishment.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: LaMarca
Date: 17 Jun 97 - 01:51 PM

Alright, another banjo joke that I didn't see at MIT:

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. Seeing an ad for a bluegrass band on the wall, he says to the bartender, "Did you hear the joke about the banjo player who..."
The bartender stops him, saying,"Wait a minute, buddy! I'M a banjo player. And my friend Lou, over there, he's a banjo player, too. And that big biker, Gus, by the door - he's a banjo player, too!"
The customer stops, saying,"Oh, well, never mind."
The bartender asks "Whatsa matter? Afraid to tell your banjo joke now?"
"No," says the customer, "I just don't want to have to explain it three times..."

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Tilell
Date: 17 Jun 97 - 09:16 PM

1)A man walks into a bar in Ireland with a big plastic bag under his arm. THe bartender looks over at him and asks: "And just what've ye got under yer arm there lad?"

To which the man replies: "Six pounds of SEMTEX." (plastic explosive)

Prompting the response from the bartender of: "Thanks be to jaysus. . . I thought it might be a bodhrain."

2)Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

A: The viola will burn longer.

3) (This one's sorta long) In a major orchestral choir, the members are gearing up for the big concert in about a month, when the conductor suddenly comes down with appendicitis. One of the baritones boldly steps forward and volunteers to lead the choir until such time as the director is well enough to return.

Well, the week of the big concert rolls around and the conductor is well just in time for the last three rehersals before the gig. As the baritone is no longer needed to lead the choir, he returns to his section. As he steps into place, the guy who stands next to him says: "Where the heck have you BEEN?"

(Okay, not that long)

4)Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and a sack of horse manure?

A: The sack.

5) A guy on the streets of boston is selling out of a cart with a sign up that says "BRAINS FOR TRANSPLANT" Intrigued, a man stops in and peruses the selection.

He sees the prices are varied:

Standard Brain: $1,000

Genius Brain: $15,000

Einstein's Brain: $100,000

Neitzsche's Brain: $150,000

Met. Tenor Brain: $1,000,000

Puzzled, the man asks: "What's a "Met Tenor Brain?"

To which the vendor replies: "Metropolitan Opera Tenor."

Incredulous, the man exclaims: "You mean I could buy Einstein's brain for $100,000 but for the brain of a common tenor I'd pay $1,000,000?!! Why so much?"

The vendor shrugs and replies: "Well, never been used."

(Ba-dum-bump, ching!)

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Susan of California
Date: 18 Jun 97 - 10:59 AM

My husband has friends who play in "alternative" bands (whatever that means...) anyway a few years back I told one of the guys that I had a friend who lived with 2 drummers. Without missing a "beat" he asked me "Do they use the rhythm method?" Ba dum bum...

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Suzanne Wilkins
Date: 18 Jun 97 - 12:07 PM

Prompting my own feeble offering:

Q: What do you call a drummer who uses the rhythm method?

A: Daddy

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Bob Landry
Date: 18 Jun 97 - 02:50 PM

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for one whole week. The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess I'll do anything you want. Again the boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm a musician. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Allan Samuels
Date: 19 Jun 97 - 09:50 PM

I don't know who said it but I quote, " The flute --- an ill wind that nobody blows good" Allan

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From:
Date: 24 Jun 97 - 10:37 AM

What do you do when a folksinger rings your doorbell?

Pay him/her for the pizza!

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Sharon
Date: 24 Jun 97 - 01:17 PM

Everyone's talking about MIT. I'm new...... where's MIT? Also, any other good folksy sites.. thanks!

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Sharon
Date: 24 Jun 97 - 01:20 PM

How can you tell whether it was a dog or a banjo player which was struck on the highway? (You'll see skid marks if it was a dog!!}

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From:
Date: 24 Jun 97 - 02:16 PM

Told to me by a friend who IS a bodhran player:

How do you tell if a bodhran player's at your door? The knocking gets faster and faster.

How do you get him off your doorstep? Pay him for the pizza.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: SUZY
Date: 26 Jun 97 - 11:20 PM

THIS SITE IS SUCH FUN. LET'S KEEP IT GOING.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 27 Jun 97 - 07:14 AM

Q. What do the fingers of a bluegrass fiddler have in common with lightening?

A.They never strike the same place twice.

Q. What do you call 200 COMEDIANS (substitute preferred target group) buried up to their necks in sand??

A. Not enough sand.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Wolfgang
Date: 27 Jun 97 - 07:29 AM

Sharon, the MIT page with Musician jokes is found at http://www.mit.edu:8001/people/jcb/other-instrument-jokes.html (courtesy LaMarca who mentioned it earlier in this thread) and you are at the best folk site. But a start to other sites can be found at http://www.execpc.com/~henkle/fbindex/lyrics_lists.html Yours Wolfgang

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From:
Date: 02 Jul 97 - 07:29 PM

Hmmmm, well. . . here's a quick and dirty one:

What did the folk guitar player say at his most recent gig?

"Do you want a hot apple pie with that sir?"

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Rick
Date: 03 Jul 97 - 05:15 AM

Why do men make better bodhran players than women?

Because they have already mastered the wrist movement...

Think about it...

For a comprehensive list of such jokes, check out Josh Mittleman's Bodhran Jokes page.

Rick.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Alan R
Date: 03 Jul 97 - 06:59 AM

Q : What do you call someone who can play the banjo but doesn't?

A : A Gentleman

Sorry, couldn't resist it.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Whippoorwill
Date: 09 Jul 97 - 02:35 PM

A neophyte was hired to lead a symphony orchestra. He did such a lousy job, the musicians tried to kill him. They wanted to electrocute him, but couldn't -- he was such a poor conductor!

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Kiwi
Date: 09 Jul 97 - 03:40 PM

*groans* Ah GOD, Whippoorwill.. that was physically painful. :)

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Rick
Date: 10 Jul 97 - 03:51 AM

Oldies but goldies...

Why do men make better bodhran players than women?

They've already mastered the wrist action.

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Suzy
Date: 10 Jul 97 - 08:20 AM

Rick, How would you know about that? Do you play bodhran??

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Alan of Oz
Date: 10 Jul 97 - 09:49 AM

What's the definition of good taste?

Some-one who CAN play the accordion but chooses not to.

Cheers,
Alan

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Whippoorwill
Date: 10 Jul 97 - 10:56 AM

What is a banjo player's favorite song? Old Chinese folk song "Tu-Ning." (Adapted as main title to Chinese rock opera "Tiawan Blues," written by the drunken Chinaman, Taiwan On.)

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Rick
Date: 11 Jul 97 - 03:24 AM

Suzy

sparing my blushes - I'm sort of learning...

Rick

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Rick
Date: 11 Jul 97 - 07:50 AM

Suzy

sparing my blushes - I'm sort of learning...

Rick

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Bert Hansell
Date: 18 Aug 97 - 02:25 PM

Here's one by Billy Connolly from "Raw Meat for the Balcony"

As far as I remember it goes something like this....
There was a highland division in the trenches in WW1. They hadn't been in action for at least half an hour and were practicing on themselves, when the order came. "Over the Top Boys!! Up and At Em!!"
A thousand men go over the top with the piper playing."DAH DAH DA DA DEE DA DAH DE DDL E DAH DE DAH DAH DAH".
"BOOM!! CRASH!!" arms and legs flying everywhere
There's a hundred of them left, they go charging on...."DAH DAH DA DA DEE DA DAH DE DDL E DAH DE DAH DAH DAH"
"BOOM!! CRASH!!" Ten of them left....."DAH DAH DA DA DEE DA DAH DE DDL E DAH DE DAH DAH DAH"
"BOOM!! CRASH!!"two of them left....."DAH DAH DA DA DEE-----The trooper interupts the piper

"For #@*%# sake, can't you play something they LIKE!!"

Subject: RE: Musician Humor?
From: Jon W.
Date: 18 Aug 97 - 07:48 PM

Whats the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You're supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a banjo and a Harley Davidson? You can tune a Harley.

I enjoy playing the banjo. I wish someone else enjoyed me playing it too.