Song Challenge! Part 13

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Áine
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 10:58 AM

OK, as promised, here's Barky's (very first) challenge idea. I'll be out of the house today at the North Texas Irish Festival (hope I run into Jed Marum f/k/a liam_devlin), so you guys behave yourselves! I'm looking forward to seeing what y'all come up with when I get home.

Here we go, SONG CHALLENGE! No. Lucky 13:

Free Outfits For Nude Shoppers

An Austrian clothing chain is offering shoppers $385 worth of free clothes if the customer enters the store completely naked.

Streakers must make it as far as the checkout counter of any Kleider Bauer outlet, where they'll be greeted with a towel to cover up as well as a voucher to buy clothes for the trip home, the department store said in a statement last week.

However, fearing an onslaught of shoppers from a nation not averse to baring all in public, only the first five strippers of the day at each of the 40 department stores will be rewarded.

Naturally the store stands to win no matter what. One commentator noted that obviously more than 5 will show up to win, and those nudes will want to buy some clothes so they can leave with what little dignity they may have intact. No doubt, plenty of gawkers will show up to oggle the streakers, and they'll probably feel compelled to buy some clothes as well. And then of course, there's the owner who thought it all up who'll not only enjoy extra sales, but will get a free show as well.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Troll
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 11:32 AM

You've GOT to be kidding!!! Amos, you need to speak to this child!

'Sa goodun.

troll

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Homeless
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 11:57 AM

Nude Shopper's Jig

In the land of Oz there has been cause for gawkers to line the street. For to see a free show (as the ogglers know) is something that cannot be beat.

Clothes having been strewed, the people are nude and waiting outside of the store, For the owner in there to get off his chair and let all them in the front door.

There are forty stores who've banished the mores of the public and society. They've instigated this mess of consumer undress and public indignity.

The first five inside can cover their hide with a towel, while they start to shop. And find some new clothes and get dressed in those before there arrives a cop.

A voucher the size of three-eighty-five is the prize they can spend in the spree. If the clothing they choose costs less than those dues they'll receive it all for free.

It may seem funny but the store will make money selling clothes to customer six and to seven and eight and those who showed late and those who came to get cheap kicks.

Those with the gall to shop at the mall dressed in nothing but skin will put on a show, and get some free clothes And the situation is win-win-win.

To be in the first five is the goal that I strive I pray it's not too close to call it. I hope that I win because dressed in my skin I've got nowhere to put my wallet.

------- This is my first attempt ever at song writing. You may need to take a little freedom with the scanning. All constructive critiques will be appreciated.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Homeless
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 12:10 PM

Sorry the above is a bit hard to read. When I typed it in it had line breaks, but they seem to have been removed. I'll try again. Apologies in advance if this doesn't work.

Nude Shopper's Jig

In the land of Oz
there has been cause
for gawkers to line the street.
For to see a free show
(as the ogglers know)
is something that cannot be beat.

Clothes having been strewed,
the people are nude
and waiting outside of the store,
For the owner in there
to get off his chair
and let all them in the front door.

There are forty stores
who've banished the mores
of the public and society.
They've instigated this mess
of consumer undress
and public indignity.

The first five inside
can cover their hide
with a towel, while they start to shop.
And find some new clothes
and get dressed in those
before there arrives a cop.

A voucher the size
of three-eighty-five
is the prize they can spend in the spree.
If the clothing they choose
costs less than those dues
they'll receive it all for free.

It may seem funny
but the store will make money
selling clothes to customer six
and to seven and eight
and those who showed late
and those who came to get cheap kicks.

Those with the gall
to shop at the mall
dressed in nothing but skin
will put on a show,
and get some free clothes
And the situation is win-win-win.

To be in the first five
is the goal that I strive
I pray it's not too close to call it.
I hope that I win
because dressed in my skin
I've got nowhere to put my wallet.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Troll
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 12:14 PM

You've nowhere to put your wallet and no reason to hang your head.Well done!

troll

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 12:18 PM

Homeless, that's terrific. Sorry, but I don't believe that's your first attempt at songwriting. Way too skilled for that.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 05:27 PM

I'm one of those hopeless and unforgivable quibblers. It was Austria, not Australia. And "mores" is pronounce "more-ees."

But a VERY creditable job withal.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Mbo
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 05:40 PM

Ok, here's one for The Trumpet Goddess!

Here are the nudes
Hanging around by the department store
Here are the nudes
Pushing and shoving to be the first through the door

Here are the nudes
Hoping desparately for some clothes to win
Here are the nudes
So they have something dignified to walk home in

Here are the nudes
Here are the nudes
Here art the nudes

["Today is the day for Kleider Bauer's great contest
as a thousand nude shoppers wait for the doors to open
If they are one of the first five through, they get
Three-hundred-and-eighty-five dollars worth of free
clothing to wear home..."]

["Tension risens as the manager opens the doors
and the wave of nudity crashes like a tsunami
upon the portals of victory..."]

Here are the nudes
Running like mad to the Bauer display
Here are the nudes
Just exactly who'll win, no one can say

Here are the nudes (the VERY nudest)
Here are the nudes
Here are the nudes
Here are the nudes

["...the dark-haired bloke is in the lead..."]
["...get out of my way you little blighter..."]
["...the woman in the, um, earrings is gaining..."]
["...let go of me you freak..."]
["...oh it's going to be a close one..."]
["...the crowd is really enjoying this..."]

Here are the nudes
I wanna go home with some clothes on my back
Here are the nudes
I want something in black!

Here are the nudes
The winners all agree it was better than a sale
Here are the nudes
Losers, look out--I believe it's starting to hail, hail, hail...

["...an amazing run in all respects..."]
["...are these the ONLY socks you sell..."]
["...what do you mean 'I looked better nude'..."
["...what if my choices go one dollar over the limit..."]
["...look out folks, it's like golfballs out there..."]

There go the nudes (ouch!)


--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: katlaughing
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 06:41 PM

I heard about this on NPR, today. It's true!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Barky
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 07:24 PM

Good ones, both of you! Oh, BTW... it's not my very first song suggestion. I believe that was number 11 or so.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 07:47 PM

If I Gave Free Clothes to You
(Tune: If I Gave My Love to You, Beatles

If I gave free clothes to you
Would you promise to come through
Without a
Single stitch?
I've tried raising sales before,
Using posters on the door
And I've found that it's a bitch

If I gave free clothes
To you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you
Won't fall apart like they
Cuz I don't want bad PR
And I
Will get canned if this campaign
Goes astray!

If I give free clothes
Oh, please
Stay composed and calm
And don't flirt with girls
Or you boyfriend Tom, for me
Cuz the whole thing could get wrecked
And I
WIll get hung if you walk in
All erect!

So I hope you see
That I
Wouldl ove to clothe you
And that we
Would love to see you nude
If I gave free clothes to youuuuuuuu!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Mbo
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 07:47 PM

Thanks...oh, my song is a parody of an ELO song, if anyone cares. If you could hear the original, it would make more sense!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Áine
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 09:58 PM

My, my, my. Look what happens when I go away for a few hours! Homeless, Mbo, Amos -- wunnerful, wunnerful, wunnerful!!

So, does anybody else have a song up their sleeve for this one??? And Barky, this is your first official SONG CHALLENGE! challenge . . . unless you've been hacking into my poor deranged head unbeknownst to me . . .

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Áine
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 09:46 AM

Come on all you CHALLENGE!RS -- I know you all can do better then just three songs -- Miss Barky will be very disappointed if you all don't come through!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Barky
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 02:48 PM

That's RIGHT, yo! *BG*

~Barky

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 03:42 PM

I think Barky should write one -- since she has this affinity for the idea of people standing around nekkid! :>)

Actually she is pure, kind, sensitive, intelligent and quite demure.

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Mbo
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 06:34 PM

Sounds a lot like myself! **BG**

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 07:21 PM

I tried to work on this one but I can only get as far as a parody,on In the Mood--

IN THE NUDE

In the nude,
I'm really shopping,
In the nude,
And things are hopping...
In the nude,
I'm really flopping--


Little Neo is in there somwhere doing the scat-singing part, "Zip-Zap-zoom, ba-da-dee-ahdda..."


Sorry, can't finish it, anyone?


There must be a later verse on the outrage of not having been in the first five,

It was rude
They way they hooked me
It was rude
The way they gawked me
It was rude
But they defrocked me...


I guess I just don't know the original well enough, or else my Muse has to be fully clothed... Unless I am in bed with H, we write very funny songs and parodies there but I cannot reach the keyboard from there. However I will try to tape the next one, we find them very amusing.


I have heard that other couples make up songs in bed instead of smoking a cigarette, any takers for a John and Yoko Hall of Fame Song Challenge another time? I'd hate to think we're alone!!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Hyperabid
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 04:24 AM

Aha - So here we are. My beloved other 1/2 was in Austria at the time of the offer although I am pleased to say she refrained from joining the stampede to Kleider Bauer.

I will return shortly with a few scribbled lines.

Hyp

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Hyperabid
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 05:40 AM

Well yet another chance for me to retreat back into schoolboy humour. Thankyou everybody at SONG CHALLENGE.

Amos had started the Beatles theme, so why should I buck an excellent trend...

To the tune of "I read the news today – (Oh boy)" - Beatles

Shopped in the nude today, Oh boy! Twas ten below in Kitzbuhel, Austria And when I made it to the till Something was very small Even though my ego said that it could fill the Albert Hall

Skied in the buff today, my friend! Twas for a bet in hardest currency But as I sped towards the end I felt a gorse bush catch The pain between my legs located somewhere just below my thatch

I hope my thing's sta-a-a-ayed o-o-o-o-n!

Some ladies they tried the same thing Without the blessing of a sports brassiere And though the sight was very fine It was uncomfortable Some of them will still be bruised they've released this mortal coil

But they still ca-a-a-a-rried o-o-o-o-n!

Hyp ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 08:52 AM

Chuckling out loud, Hyper!
It's amazing what folk'll do...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Hyperabid
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 09:07 AM

Chuckles gratefully received Amos. Yours' a top track too.

Too true Amos on the 'nought as queer as folk' comment. Although it's the money that gets me...

ASc 5,000 is around US$385 which is what? 250 quid...

Austria is a very rich country with a very high standard of living. Clothes are probably even more expensive than they are in the UK where prices are double those in the US.

I'm sure it would take alot more than that to make me show off my Adonis-like frame?!

Hyp

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 09:19 AM

Well, come on down to Black's Beach here in sunny Southern Cal if you get the urge to do it for its own sake -- ars gratis dermis, as it were... it's still a tradition in these parts on this one isolated segment of secluded beach, or was last I was down there which was two years ago. Didn't join 'em, but I admired their perspectives...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 09:25 AM

I think Hyp's is the best so far, go boys!!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Hyperabid
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 10:58 AM

Is that right Amos?

So it's a case of - (to the tune of Johnny B Goode)

Deep down in California close to ole Black's beach There lived a man called Amos in binocular's reach He'd sometimes go out lookin' see who's on the sand But he'd never get his kit off like a rock n roll man

Go go Go Amos go go Go Amos go go go Go Amos go go on Get your kit off

Tee Hee ;-)

Hyp

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 11:59 AM

Heee heee!! No, no binoculars...as many do, I just strolled along the beach, on a hike with friends and family. The nudists take it in stride, altho' the friends and family sometimes get a bit silly, since not all the nudists look like Adam and Eve at eighteen, by a long wrinkly shot!

Good tune, good words, LOL!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 12:08 PM

BAck atcha, good buddy -- verse two:

Deep in the reaches of the darkest Id
Of a folksinging kid name of Hyperabid
Lies a little ol' demon just a burning to go free
And open up the doors of his curiousity
Having prurient imaginings he just can't say
'Bout the naked guys and ladies down in Californi-ay
 

Oh, go! go! go, Hyper go!
Go, go, go Hyper go!
Do whatcha do, don't do whatcha did!
C'mon and wear your birthday suit, Sir Hyperabid!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Áine
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 06:31 PM

Well, well, four songs is all you guys could come up with, huh? Alrightey then, here are the awards and let the chips fall where they may . . .

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster:
Here Are The Nudes by Mbo
If I Gave Free Clothes To You by Amos
Nude Shopper's Jig by Homeless

Winner of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon:
Shopped In The Nude Today, Oh Boy! by Hyperabid

Great job, everyone! The next SONG CHALLENGE! will be announced in the morning, so get some sleep tonight . . . unless you're still agog with the streaking shoppers . . .

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 06:36 PM

Wowww!!!-
-
Reallly??? A SHAMROCK Cluster??!!! Oh, Áine, thank you, thank you! I am thrilled. I will put it right in the center. Of the mantel. Mbo, Homeless, and Hyper, I say we should out and drink our fool virtual heads off in celebration of this triumphant event, whaddya say? Wowww....shamrock cluster....I never imagined...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Bradypus
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 06:58 PM

Sorry, I'm late again - I just can't keep up the same pace as everyone else. I'd like to propose a longer period before the prizes are awarded, for those of us with other things to do.

Anyway - some Gilbert and Sullivan this time.

A Shopper's Lot

When a nudist's not engaged in his employment
When he's aired his graces just as best he can
Then to get a bit of innocent enjoyment
He hits the shops, like any other man
When free gifts and shopping vouchers are on offer
And there's serious shopping needing to be done
He will take the chance the Austrian store does proffer
So the shopper's lot can be a happy one

When stores offer clothing optional shopping
Then it's clear that she will need to take her chance
Never mind if other's egos may be flopping
Now's the time to make the streaking trolley dance.
In the country duly famed for Sound of Music
It's a way to save some money and have fun
Shopping in the nude can be so therapeutic
And the nudist's lot can be a happy one.

When the aisles are full of melons gaily bouncing
When the sausages are mixed up with the ham
And the nudists round the store are merry flouncing
You can see the mutton all undressed as lamb
When the queue at the cash desk has been filling
With the underclothed who've come out of the sun
And they hope to save the occasional Schilling
So the nudist's lot can be a happy one.

Let the oglers ogle and the prudes be prudish
Let the papers and the public have their day
Let it snow and freeze outside, if that's what you wish
That won't keep intrepid nudists far away
Let the managers manage in the rush hour
Let assistants all assist us when we come
Publicity is ours! We surely won't cower
For the nudist's lot is now a happy one.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Mbo
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 08:38 PM

BRAVI BRAVI BRAVISSIMI!!! A Gilbert and Sullivan parody! Woohoo! A man after me own heart! Great job Brady! HARP RIBBON HARP RIBBON!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 08:48 PM

Encore Bradypus mate what a great parody... WOW ROTFLMAO Dave

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Áine
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 10:02 PM

Dear Bradypus,

As I've said before, better late than never! A Shopper's Lot has been duly awarded a Golden Cow Chip with Harp Ribbon purely on the basis of having THE funniest line of them all -- the one that got me rolling on the floor -- "Shopping in the nude can be so therapeutic". Well done, Sir B!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 00 - 12:31 AM

Yo' dee man, Bradypuss!!! TErrific....LOL!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Hyperabid
Date: 07 Mar 00 - 04:28 AM

Cheers Aine...

I'd like to thank my producer...

My manager...

Everybody at (insert name here) records...

And particularly my (mother / father / brother / pet dog) who has had such an influenece on my career...

But it all couldn't have happenened without the loving help and support of my (wife / fiance / girlfriend / pet dog / uniformed love slave) who has always been there for me when times were bad...

I'd also like to thank the people who came up with song challenege and are now regretting the opportunity of giving me this podium to sepak on...

And the man who parked my car...

And the caterers...

(Sounds of Hyp being dragged from the stage still speaking).

Gonna have to buy myself a bigger virtual trophy cabinet.

Hyp

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Hyperabid
Date: 07 Mar 00 - 04:33 AM

PS Good second verse Amos...

However trying any form of reduced apparel at the tail end of an English winter is probably grounds for institutionalisation...

However, UK beware... summer is on its way!

Hyp

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 07 Mar 00 - 10:16 AM

The image of the Nude Eccentric has always represented, for me, the true spirit of Old England, the home of the Magna Carta, the Crusades, and Monty Python.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: MMario
Date: 07 Mar 00 - 10:22 AM

So that's why you put the double life size statue of the N.E. in the foyer of the MudCat Tavern?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Hyperabid
Date: 07 Mar 00 - 11:31 AM

Which part was double size??

Hyp

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 10:14 AM

{title:A Hard To Night} {st:The Beatles}

{soc} It's been Hard To - Night Cause I've been shopping in the nude
It's been Hard To - Night And you may think its rather crude
But when I go to the store, Then I will feel like a whore
and I will get new clothes

You know the prized comodity is lots of money to buy clothing
And It's worth all the nudity they're gonna give me ev'rything
But if I do not win, It will be such a sin
I'll be nude as a jay

When I'm nude ev'ryone turns on the light
When You're nude, baby you're looking alright, alright yeah

I'll be Hard To - Night Cause I see you next to me
I'll be Hard To - Night Yes it serin dip-i-ty
Can I give you a call? No, I'm not shy at all
As I stand e-rect

So why I love to bare all And I'm havin a ball
you know I'll be O.K.

{c:Bridge}

{c:Chorus} You know I feel al---right
Maybe too al-----right

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: SharonA
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 05:36 PM

This'll be song #5 of my limit/goal of 7 for this week (hey, I ain't postin' NUTHIN' this coming weekend; there's a Folk Festival in town!!!)...


DROP A POUND
(Tune: "Shop Around", words and music by William "Smokey" Robinson and Berry Gordy; adapted by Captain & Tennille for female vocalist)

(Pronunciation guide: Ideally, "trainer" should be pronounced "tray-na".)

"Just because you're a middle-aged woman now,
There's still some flings that you might wanna plan, now.
Before you tax some wider waistband, now,
You keep your figure with a strong little can, now."
My trainer told me, "You better drop a pound.
Mm-hmmm, you better dro-op a pound.

"There's a thing that I want you to know, now:
There's a store where your skin's gonna show, now.
The nudes'll come and the clothed are gonna go, now.
Before they tell you that your fluff ain't low, now,"
My trainer told me, "You better drop a pound.
Mm-hmmm, you better dro-op a pound.

"Try to get into a 'Large', then, hon.
Don't you be told you can fairly burst one.
Good-looking clothes ain't a dime a dozen;
Try to find you some they're gonna give you for nothin'.

"Before you're naked and they say you grew, now,
Make sure that their clothes fit you now.
Make sure that your love's not food, cow.
I'd hate to see you leave unclad and nude, sow."
My trainer told me, "You better drop a pound.
Mm-hmmm, you better dro-op a pound.
Oh yeah, you better DROP [pause] a pound!
Uh-huh, you better DROP [pause] a pound!..." [fade]


(If I DID had a "traina", [s]he would be telling me to drop LOTS more than "a" pound...)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Amos
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 06:03 PM

LOL, Sharon!! Roll on!!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: SharonA
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 06:14 PM

Thanks, Amos! Don't mind if I do!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 13
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 28 Aug 01 - 10:08 AM

SHOPPING IN THE NUDE (To the tune of Bringing In The Sheaves)
CHORUS
Shopping in the nude
Shopping in the nude
Bare-arsed, naked, dangling
I am not a prude
In the altogether
I could shop forever
My favourite endeavour
Shopping in the nude

In the chiller section
Look at my reaction
I get a contraction
Shopping in the nude
So now you know the reason
I avoid things cold or freezing
I shrivel like a raisin
Shopping in the nude

CHORUS
I'd like to be less self-aware
But people tend to stop and stare
When they see me unclothed, bare
Shopping in the nude
Comparing peaches with my bum
(I'm not so hairy-arsed as some)
And then they fondle a couple of plums!
Shopping in the nude

CHORUS

I carry neither note nor coin
Penny, shilling, fiver, pound
They're difficult to tote around
Shopping in the nude
A credit card I've found is best
No change, no fuss, no weight, no mess
Where it's kept, I'll let you guess!
Shopping in the nude

CHORUS