BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM

Subject: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 Apr 00 - 01:32 PM

After running across JAB's post in the "E-BAY vs, Local Music Store" thread and his friend, BumGardner, it came to me in a flash that here was a way that Ol' Spaw could pick up a few extra bucks. If I could find 300 folks to lay on their stomachs for months at a time with asparagus planted between their "cheeks," I could really rake it in, so to speak. Make a few of them Amish and I could advertize "Organically Grown Amish Asparagus." Now I think that this con....er,uh..business.. could be lucrative, but (butt) I fear that I possess no desire to do the weeding and harvesting. Plus, I am a little pressed for time, what with evacuating my bladder, winding my watch, and trying to get the BB's in the eyes of the bear, you can see my schedule is pretty full. What to do? Like a bolt from the blue, it came to me!!!

CLETUS !!!!!!!

Since the Condom Factory closed down, he and Paw and the Reg boys have had nothing to do and have been hanging out here and generally getting into minor skirmishes with the law and all, so I figured that I'd put Cletus in charge of the group and put 'em to work! Paw already volunteered to be the "Lead Grower" and the Reg boys are well suited to disposing of excess fertilizer since they are Canadians (Rick's half-brothers) and are used to taking a lot of shit from Americans.

I have already located some mature and replantable asparagus crowns and the boys will be steali....uh, picking them up tonight from a local gardener. I placed an ad in the Sunday Edition of the "Ahia Possum Picayune" and the calls are already coming in for "asparagus growers." A local bookseller has donated 300 copies of "War and Peace" which should keep them occupied while the asparagus grows and the warehouse at the old condom factory has plenty of floor space. All I need to find now are the air mattresses and things will be underway.

Cletus will be reporting back in here on the progress of the "farm" and if any of you are interested in "Asparagus Futures," please contact my brokerage house of Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe, who will help separate you from your money.........uh, make that, advise you as to your investment and earnings potential......Yeah..that's it.

Look for updates as Cletus moves us toward our first crop and the fame and fortunes which accompany success.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Dave Swan
Date: 23 Apr 00 - 01:51 PM

as if the odor of asparagus weren't strange enough......

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Amos
Date: 23 Apr 00 - 01:54 PM

ANd who's gonna eat this asparagus, I'd like to know?

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Mbo
Date: 23 Apr 00 - 02:02 PM

DYSENTERY! DYSENTERY!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 Apr 00 - 05:09 PM

Hey, the gullible consumers don't have to know where its grown........and the funky smell it has to begin with is really an asset

Spaw!!!

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: GUEST,flattop
Date: 23 Apr 00 - 05:24 PM

Could there be some latent homo-asparaginous tendencies in this thread? And a cheap shot at Canadians! Now that's bad taste.

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: GUEST,Frankie
Date: 23 Apr 00 - 10:46 PM

You could have a problem with gerbils.

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: MMario
Date: 23 Apr 00 - 10:54 PM

and assparagus beatles....

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Amos
Date: 23 Apr 00 - 11:00 PM

And what if the volunteers turned out to be anal retentives? Maybe if you played AssOakie Farewell over the 8-track sound system... But they'd still complain that they got the shaft, and insist that you give them the heads as well. Better get some o fthem Lingerie Models into the HR department, Spaw.

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 12:45 AM

Hey, Spaw you been on the assparagus or Aspro-grass (cross between "homebake" & "weed") to dream up such a diabolical, money making scheme. I couldn't locate Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe in my phone book, so have been unable to make a donation to your noble charity. However, I will volunteer as an assparagus picker, when the crop is right. Please advise what type of pick I should bring, finger, thumb, flat, tooth, ice or "Harpic" (it's a toilet cleaner that "goes right round the bend").

Or, do you "pull" assparagus - as you do legs?

No, I know, you cut it!! So "cut it" Spaw, I'm cackling so much, I could lay an egg....(and that's a poultry line......;)

Cheers - Sam

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 01:59 AM

Knock out the insect parasites with ass-pair-o'gas?

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Billy the Bus
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 03:57 AM

Praise be,

Here I thought this was an "environment friendly" site, and you post comments like "Knock out the insect parasites with ass-pair-o'gas?"

Please, Praise, be socially responsible! Think what it would do to the hole in the ozone layer? Why, even here in "clean'n'green" NZ our sheep and cows produce more CO2, and other noxious emissions by farting, than do our vehicles! Or, something like that - must try to track down the actual statistic from a few years back, it was hilarious.

Anyway, I got a "pair'o'sights" on your "pair-o'gas" for parasites - use it wisely.....

Cheers - Sam

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 07:48 AM

BtB,

As the ass-pair will be producing the o'gas in any event, is it not best to simply allow it to affect the insect population naturally?

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 07:51 AM

Yo, Clete, still waiting for that treat you promised me back at Christmas - please don't make it the old sparrow grass though - last batch I had were a funny colour......

Try the green approach to the buggies and get a bigger bug that eats them.... the greenfly (aphid) and ladybird (bug) solution.. Apparently wasps like to eat aphids too, but on the whole I'd rather have the ladybirds.

Sorry aboutr the punctuation, the cat is on my lap0 with her head on the back of my hand, so it's a bit heavy on the full stop;;sssssss...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Peter T.
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 10:34 AM

Might I point out that while you are waiting for the asparagus to grow, you could use the upturned, er, assembled multitudes as bicycle parking slots. Perhaps a storage warehouse between police auctions? Just a thought.
yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 10:43 AM

Damn Peter!!! What a fine idea!! I hate to crush the growing asparagus, but if Cletus is careful and we only use the real fat-ass folks, this might add some real revenue.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: GUEST,Santa Claus
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 11:05 AM

CLETUS! I come back after the big Christmas rush, looking for that position I wanted you to fill, and here I find you knee deep in....well....ASSparagus!

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Margo
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 12:42 PM

What an idea! Self fertilizing crops. No shit! Hahahahaha

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: TerriM
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 12:52 PM

You know, if you feed your "growbags" on butter and lemon, the sparrow grass will be ready-flavoured too.

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: MK
Date: 24 Apr 00 - 01:09 PM

Any difficulties "harvesting" the crop could be fascilitated with newly developed laser surgery techniques.

It's nice that Cletus and the Reg Boys will finally be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 25 Apr 00 - 01:29 AM

Ass-paragus

Boil in a shallow, covered dish until asparagus begins to dissolve into a phlegm-like residue. Add two cups boiling 7-Up, and simmer until asparagus and 7-Up have been reduced to green, viscous syrup. Add 4 ounces fresh dairy butter, and stir. Pour into small individual servings, and place in the refrigerator for 1 1/2 hours. Eat with a spoon, or spread on melba toast for a treat that will have the kids saying "Hey Mom! Can I eat at Tommy's house again tonight?"

You're really cooking when you're cooking with 7-UP !

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 00 - 03:27 AM

(Liked that site didja' Leej?)

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 00 - 08:22 PM

Well things are progressing nicely. We have the warehouse all ready and the volunteers laid out...so to speak. We couldn't let everybody lay around stark nekkid so I was able to get a donation of bib overalls from "Big Cracker Bubba's Bibs" of Albany, Georgia. These are especially well suited to the ass-grown veggie business since they are made especially for the folks in south Georgia and North Florida. You see down there ALL the locals wear them because they have NO SEAT in them and that's the only way they can keep the gnats off their faces.

Cletus sent the Reg boys after Ol' Man Scaffidi's asparagus crowns the other night and they procured over 500 while he was at late mass. In lieu of other financial arrangements, the Reg boys left him a nice brochure about Toronto and one of their half-brother Rick's CD's. I doubt if Scaffidi misses them for awhile as its dandelion season and he's real busy right now, being Italian and all. He has at least 12 acres sown with dandelions now after he spent two months in the hospital a few years back when he was struck down by a Kenworth while picking greens on I-70.

If things are going well, Cletus and the Reg boys should be starting the planting right now. Paw is still wanting the position of "Lead Grower" so I suppose he'll be pretty well "occupied" for awhile, which should also help to keep Cletus out of trouble.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: Mbo
Date: 25 Apr 00 - 08:59 PM

'Spaw, I was BORN in Albany, Georgia, and am half-Italian! And I was just saying to my Mom on Friday that I really wanted some overalls to wear...coincidence?

--Mbo

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: MMario
Date: 25 Apr 00 - 09:07 PM

I do hope 'spaw you have taken precautions against the number 1 cause of crop failure in asspargus...wind-burn!

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 00 - 10:10 PM

Well damn Meebo........I don't know where to send you now. We seem to be getting a goodly number of volunteers, so why don't you go help Ol'Man Scaffidi pick the dandelion greens?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: CLETUS&the ASSPARAGUS FARM
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 26 Apr 00 - 05:25 AM

'Spaw, did you misread the serving instructions? It says, "Dip in buttER" NOT "stick in BUTTS"!
RtS