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Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!

GUEST,Timbrel 11 May 00 - 07:45 AM
BeauDangles 11 May 00 - 10:19 AM
Callie 11 May 00 - 10:35 AM
Wesley S 11 May 00 - 11:00 AM
InOBU 11 May 00 - 11:36 AM
TerriM 11 May 00 - 02:43 PM
Bert 11 May 00 - 02:53 PM
Chanteyranger 11 May 00 - 03:08 PM
Kim C 11 May 00 - 04:25 PM
Songster Bob 11 May 00 - 04:46 PM
GUEST 11 May 00 - 05:16 PM
Peter T. 11 May 00 - 05:17 PM
Sorcha 12 May 00 - 12:32 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 12 May 00 - 05:35 AM
Scabby Douglas 12 May 00 - 07:07 AM
InOBU 12 May 00 - 07:22 AM
GUEST,Zorro 12 May 00 - 07:38 AM
Tony Burns 12 May 00 - 09:42 AM
Whistle Stop 12 May 00 - 01:28 PM
Dharmabum 12 May 00 - 01:38 PM
Fortunato 12 May 00 - 02:11 PM
Wesley S 12 May 00 - 02:41 PM
Liz the Squeak 13 May 00 - 03:32 AM
keltcgrasshoppper 13 May 00 - 05:26 PM
Pablo 13 May 00 - 11:27 PM
Chicky 13 May 00 - 11:40 PM
Sourdough 14 May 00 - 12:39 AM
Chanteyranger 14 May 00 - 04:05 PM
Deni 20 Aug 01 - 04:47 AM
Cappuccino 20 Aug 01 - 07:38 AM
Clinton Hammond 20 Aug 01 - 02:14 PM
Clinton Hammond 20 Aug 01 - 02:16 PM
ChanteyMatt 20 Aug 01 - 06:28 PM
Jeep man 20 Aug 01 - 10:36 PM
GUEST 20 Aug 01 - 11:13 PM
Justa Picker 21 Aug 01 - 12:23 AM
Liz the Squeak 21 Aug 01 - 12:55 AM
GUEST,Den 21 Aug 01 - 09:18 AM
GUEST,Celtic Soul 21 Aug 01 - 10:44 AM
Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull 21 Aug 01 - 10:20 PM
Seamus Kennedy 22 Aug 01 - 02:40 AM
Dunc 22 Aug 01 - 03:50 AM
Roughyed 22 Aug 01 - 04:15 PM
GUEST,emily b 22 Aug 01 - 06:20 PM
Gloredhel 22 Aug 01 - 08:50 PM
Coyote Breath 22 Aug 01 - 09:03 PM
GUEST,chip2447 23 Aug 01 - 01:37 AM
GUEST,chip244y 23 Aug 01 - 01:47 AM
dougboywonder 23 Aug 01 - 05:08 AM
Troll 23 Aug 01 - 08:05 AM
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Subject: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,Timbrel
Date: 11 May 00 - 07:45 AM

One terrific thing about seeing lots of music done live is enjoying the clever, witty little lines people use in their gigs over and over. Now matter how hackneyed, they magically draw a laugh every time.

So I was just idly wondering: are there any one-liners, or amusing stories, you regularly use in your introductions, song intros, "time-to-take-abreak" announcements, "thanks-for-coming" spiels, and the like? I know there's no shortage of humor around here...!


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: BeauDangles
Date: 11 May 00 - 10:19 AM

I played at a contra dance once, when the caller, a friend of mine, said during a break that he wanted to introduce the band. Whereupon he turned around and began introduing us to each other, not to the crowd. That was good for a few laughs.

BeauD


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Callie
Date: 11 May 00 - 10:35 AM

A friend was the MC for a concert. When a heckler called out to him during an introduction, he said "don't you hate it when your mother comes to your gigs?"


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Wesley S
Date: 11 May 00 - 11:00 AM

I used to be in a band that had a bass player with a strange sense of humor. When we would take a break he would tell everyone to "Drink up - the third world is starving". That was always good for a blank stare from the crowd.


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: InOBU
Date: 11 May 00 - 11:36 AM

We (Sorcha Dorcha) were doing a gig for homelessness. Before we came on, a nice harmless sort of a fellow (not at all the description of our band) sand a sort of Mr. Rodgers song about children, stopping in the middle for a charming if not a bit insipid (no offence if you are reading this mate) talking bit about how Children are Gods Gift to us all... Well, here come Sorcha Dorcha, all dressed in black... our first song, Tom of Bedlam, so, here-s me, with a broken rib from the flu and blood seeping from my nose and mouth, but I am doing this gig anyway... looking grey and deathlike. I say to the worried looking audience... We are going to carry on in that theame of Children... arent they the best? You can hug em, love em teach em stuff... make pies....
My staff has murdered giants
My bag a long knife carries
to cut mince pies from Childrens thighs
with which to feed the faeries
Still I sing bonny boys
Bonny mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonny
for they all go bare and live by the air
and they want no drink nor money

For info on hearing our pater live...
Sorcha Page .
Hope the blue clicky works!
Larry


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: TerriM
Date: 11 May 00 - 02:43 PM

My partner often asks me to introduce a song and I say" Song, this is the audience, audience this is the song" which makes us laugh at least. Also at the end of a gig, in gratitude for our lives, I often say " Thank you for having me,and for those that haven't, I'll be round the back in half an hour!" That probably works best if you're a girl but maybe not :).
Terri


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Bert
Date: 11 May 00 - 02:53 PM

Just do a forum search for everything that Art Theime has posted. You'll find more than you can ever use. And every one's a winner.


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 11 May 00 - 03:08 PM

Here's one for busking: "We play for fun and profit, and so far we've been having alot of fun!" Dick Holdstock of Holdstock and MacLeod was heard telling the audience at a concert, "Oh, no, we forgot to bring the song list again. You know, this was mentioned in a review of our last concert. The reviewer wrote "Holdstock and MacLeod gave another listless performance!" Another from Dick Holdstock, this one specific to sea chanteys, while holding a glass of beer onstage - "They say that chanteys we're sung acapella because you needed both hands free to do the work aboard ship, but I don't believe that. How can you work with both hands and not spill your beer?"


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Kim C
Date: 11 May 00 - 04:25 PM

well, I said this the other day in another thread, but when we do Soldier's Joy, I say, this song has also been known as the King's Head... whether the king's head was attached to his body at the time, I don't know.

Grand Ole Opry performer Johnny Russell, who is a king-size man, likes to say "Can everybody see me all right?"


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Songster Bob
Date: 11 May 00 - 04:46 PM

When tuning, I've been known to say "I've got it surrounded!"

I usually get babble-mouth when introducing songs, or so my wife says -- I personally think I'm just full of information and want to impart it to the audience. The wife agrees with the "full of it" part. I've used the "introduce the band" bit, but talk into the mic while saying, "Pete, this is George. George, this is Pete. And I'm Bob!" It accomplished the introduction to the audience while providing a minor change from the usual introduction. Since Sidekicks gigs so little, none of our stage patter is likely to get old as far as the audience is concerned.

I try not to have too many introductions that I memorize by rote, though, since those who do remember our last gig (or were warned about us by their parents) will also remember the intros and say "They haven't changed a bit!" And I avoid a couple of real cliches: "We've had many requests, but we're going to play anyway," and "Here's one of your favorites; I hope it's one of ours."

That do? If not, try Utah Phillips:

"Getting here was a foot, which is to say a 'singular feat.'"

Bob Clayton


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST
Date: 11 May 00 - 05:16 PM

"please, buy my CD. They're going to be worth a lot of money when I die, and I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately"


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Peter T.
Date: 11 May 00 - 05:17 PM

In case you ever get really famous:

During the last Beatle concert in Toronto (I was there, yeah!), John Lennon introduced the next song in his most sardonic fashion by shouting as loudly as he could over the hysterical screaming:

"You can't have heard this song before, because we just played it."

I thought that was pretty good, and it was never reported among his sayings.

yours, Peter T.


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Sorcha
Date: 12 May 00 - 12:32 AM

Loved InOBU's post,,reminds me of the SCA Birthday song:
"We love children, yes we do,
Boiled or baked or in our stew,
Happy Birthday---------(stomp, stomp)

to the tune of Volga Boatman........
BR> Others we use-----
We take requests, but we don't garuntee to fill them
We always get a little applause, and that is little enough
See that girl, there, in the second row, the one with the wig? She is my cousin!! (from the 88 yr old gut bucket player)
Then we get kicking with "Sure, Herb, sure she is your "cousin", where you from, Louisiana or Arkansas?, etc.


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 12 May 00 - 05:35 AM

Yes, stick with Art & the professionals! Most of my corn has been aired on this forum already, like "I've emptied bigger rooms than this" (as people leave), sadly all too true. and one I've never needed: "don't clap too loud it's a very old building" (Archie Rice in John Osborne's The Entertainer.
RtS


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Scabby Douglas
Date: 12 May 00 - 07:07 AM

Hmm.. I get tired of people introducing traditional tunes like "The first one is "The Butterfly", and then "The Mason's Apron""....

So I vary it up by giving them new names:

"If Pigs could Fly, you'd Be A Squadron Leader" "The Fast One" "The Slow Tune" "Big Arnie's Blitzed Again" "The Scabby-Heidit Wean" etc....

Cheers M'Dears

Steven C


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: InOBU
Date: 12 May 00 - 07:22 AM

We actually renamed a tune for the sake of luck. It is known as the lilting banshee, or the older name, the miller of glan mire. Every time we would say the Miller of Glan mire, a large group would walk out. It began to happen so often we began to make jokes about it. It was like the Jack Benny movie To Be or Not To Be. We began to make jokes about Glan Mire, so when the party would leave we would appologise and tell the rest of the audience, There goes about seventy per cent of the town of Glan Mire. Then one day, a friend from Wiltshire was sitting in with us and was telling a story about a fellow in his town and he described him as a very Popular Halfwit. It so fit the Miller of Glan mire that we began calling the tune that, and the luck changed. It also provided a great name for a certain mudcatter in Devises - same fellow who was sitting in with us... And Now You Know The Whole Story, as a certain raidio personality used to say...
Larry


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,Zorro
Date: 12 May 00 - 07:38 AM

Picking with a friend in an after hours club in Corpus Christi, Texas.. There were two very loud young men right in front of us, not listening to anything but each other and they were both LOUD. I had had a couple of beers (or two) and remembered a line from an old Dave Gardner LP. When I finally got their attention I said: "Hey guys, I don't come out to where your working and hide your shovel!" My partner Jake and I both held our breath, but it worked! I heard Doc Watson on a live album in response to a guy making cat calls from the audience; "Yeah, I remember my first beer too, Buddy." Steven Wright's one liners are not offensive or off color and fit well on stage. He has a web site. Hope this helps.. Zorro/Texas


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Tony Burns
Date: 12 May 00 - 09:42 AM

Jughead (Toronto jugband), when asked for a song they don't know will say that they will play another song that uses a lot of the same notes.


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Whistle Stop
Date: 12 May 00 - 01:28 PM

My favorite witty line was completely unrehearsed. I was playing lead guitar in a rock and roll band in a seedy, off-the-beaten-track bar in western Massachusetts. Two fellows who were drinking heavily and sitting close to the stage were apparently fond of a certain late-1960's band from LA, and kept requesting them by shouting "Doors! Doors!" between every song. After a while I finally stepped up to the microphone, pointed to the exit, and said "Door's over there". It got a laugh, and they actually took me up on it, so it worked out very well.

Pretty case-specific, but that's all I've got to offer.


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Dharmabum
Date: 12 May 00 - 01:38 PM

Used this one when I was playing in a trio in the eighties.

We have tapes for sale, don't forget, Christmas is coming soon and as your sitting around the table sharing Christmas dinner with your family,you'll wish you had something to prop up that wobbly table leg.


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Fortunato
Date: 12 May 00 - 02:11 PM

"Here's one of the old familiar tunes... that no one's ever heard before."

"This next song is one of your favorites... we hope soon it'll be one of ours."

First voice: "I want to play my banjo (guitar, etc.) in the worse way."

Second voice: " Well, I'm sure you can."

"We've had a request...but we're gonna do this next song anyway."


I could go on, but I'm not that cruel.
Fortunato


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Wesley S
Date: 12 May 00 - 02:41 PM

I saw John Renbourn a few weeks ago. After a blues and jazz tune he said "OK - I promise after this you'll get my usual Celtic doom and gloom for the rest of the night" l


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 May 00 - 03:32 AM

Les Barker says, whilst at a concert in Towersey (August Bank Holiday), "I had a request to do this one, in Sidmouth." (a festival four weeks previous......)or 'last year'......

If you're driving home, can I have a lift?

King of the Heckler Stompers, Joe Stead commented one night that "when God put teeth in your mouth he ruined a bloody good arsehole!"

I have two songs that my father taught me. I introduce them by saying 'here's a song I learnt at my father's knee. We were so poor, we couldn't afford paper, so he wrote it on his knee. It's only a short song, he had very knobbly knees.....'

And yes, TerriM will actually BE round the back in half an hour and if she reads this, it will be with a bottle for me!! (sorry Terri........!)

LTS


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: keltcgrasshoppper
Date: 13 May 00 - 05:26 PM

We usually manage to get a laugh or two by picking on our self appionted LEADER. He does make it easy to do however. Each gig of course presents a new set list.. he will talk a little between songs and without fail introduce something that we aren't set up for.. To which we say.. NOT again.. This guy writes set lists and uses them for wall paper. Then we trash him for a min or two.. Always gets a laugh.. Of course it helps that he is my husband and I make sure to let the audience know it.. They get a kick out of "marital strife."..


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Pablo
Date: 13 May 00 - 11:27 PM

Robin and Linda Williams are outstanding in this regard, 'though no examples come quickly to mind (they don't come to NY often enough).


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Chicky
Date: 13 May 00 - 11:40 PM

We played a gig a couple of months ago at a banquet-type thing - the audience just wasn't interested. So we amused ourselves by doing stupid introductions - "This song is about a man's love for his tractor" etc.

We do some obscure early music in archaic french or spanish, and generally intro at least one each gig with "Sing along if you know the chorus!"

- Chicky


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Sourdough
Date: 14 May 00 - 12:39 AM

Richard Farina was appearing on a television program I was working. He introduced Jelly Roll Blues with a detailed description of a bakers strike in New Orleans in the late 1880s. As the camera dollied in on him, he did this ad lib explanation of how the song is about that strike. As a result of the strike, there were no jelly rolls available in New Orleans for an extended period of time. He did it all deadpan and I don't think that the director or anyone else, except the musicians, knew that he was having them on.

Sourdough


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 14 May 00 - 04:05 PM

Whistlestop, that ad-lib about doors was a stroke of pure genius. Until that, the best treatment of hecklers I've heard, was (spoken to a group of college-age men) "Ah, yes, I remember MY first beer!"


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Deni
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 04:47 AM

How's this for an off the cuff one. After an almost-perfest start to an unaccompanied song, followed by a damn-near-but-not-quite perfect ending, Ned turned round to pick up his guitar and I said. We had a bit of a struggle there starting and finishing together. A bit like sex. Thanks god they actually laughed.

(I don't know what comes over me sometimes)

Deni Mad Rush


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Cappuccino
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 07:38 AM

My wife was once singing in a very poorly-attended folk club in Scotland, and between songs, in an aside which carried across the room, she muttered: "I should have stayed in bed - there were more people there!"

- ian B


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 02:14 PM

"I see you have your patter well rehearsed sir."

"No this is something you wouldn't recognise... It's called whit."

-Blackadder-

;-)


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 02:16 PM

Foiled by lousy type-ography again... that and the inability to edit my posts...

DAMN!


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: ChanteyMatt
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 06:28 PM

When busking, this has always been a favorite of mine: "Your applause is like butter, but we could really use some bread."


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Jeep man
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 10:36 PM

We are going to do our last song first. Usually we don't get that far.


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 11:13 PM

Friends of mine have taken to using a clever bit at the end of their performances - "And now, we have one last song for you..." "The one you've all been waiting for!" Guitar is undustriously being tuned..."Are you ready?" "I'm ready - " "I'm collected!" And the trio launches into a wonderful 10-second burst of music, stops abruptly, and say "Thank you for coming!"


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Justa Picker
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 12:23 AM

"And now for a little medley of our hit......"


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 12:55 AM

Just remember to change it occasionally. I saw a performer twice, with a two year gap and she was doing exactly the same stage patter at both gigs. She'd not changed one word of it in over 2 years. I upset her by telling my mate in the front row the joke that was coming next, before she'd even had time to start it. Hopefully she's changed it a bit. Shame really, because she was actually a bloody good musician, just totally inexperienced at a concert setting.

LTS


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,Den
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 09:18 AM

For the hecklers.
Sorry I didn't recognize you right away but its so nice to see you back in mens clothes.

More raw meat for table 3.

Keep shouting the bouncer's trying to find out where you're sitting. (Billy Connolly if memory serves)

I don't talk while you're performing

Others

I'd like to play some chopin for you now... but I don't know any.

If someone gets up to go to the bathroom during one of your songs stop playing and watch them walk there without saying a word till they go through the door then whisper to the audience lets all go and hide.

That's all for now, Den


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,Celtic Soul
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 10:44 AM

When someone leaves during introductions, I have said (tongue in cheek and with a big doofy grin so no one takes it seriously), "Hey! We didn't get up and leave when *you* came in".


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 10:20 PM


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 02:40 AM

Before I came on stage, I got a request, but my guitar won't fit. I know a lot of you have been drinking tonight and many of you will be driving home. If you come to one of those sobriety checkpoint roadblocks, run the damned thing! Make them earn it!

Seamus


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Dunc
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 03:50 AM

I can't remember who said, after a banal comment from a heckler....
Get that man a pair of underpants that fit his mouth!"

Grant Baynham was having problems tuning his guitar. A banjo player in the audience called out "That's what you get for insulting my banjo earlier on!"
Grant stopped what he was doing, and in a condescending voice, pointed out to the heckler...
"No. No. No. You've got it all wrong. The object of a heckle is to make ME look stupid...."


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Roughyed
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 04:15 PM

Try "There's a saying in show biz about (insert name of town you're playing. You play ..... twice in your career, once on the way up and once on the way down. It's great to be back." I suspect this probably dates from Shakespeare's day but draws a laugh a lot of the time.

At the end of the night "Well I'm sorry but we have to go before the drugs wear off."


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,emily b
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 06:20 PM

This thread came just in time! I had a gig last night and "borrowed" chanteyranger's line about being listless. I received the welcomed groaning and chuckles. Our loquacious guitarist who is our front man was distracted dealing with guitar problems and turned to me and said, "Tell them a story." I was completely unprepared and started out telling a joke with the punchline first. He quickly came to my rescue and we ended up with a whole series of those horrible/punny oneliners. It all turned out well and later someone said they thought the whole thing was planned. Ha! Just goes to show that you should never let on that you made a mistake, etc.

Good luck with all the patter and thanks to all for some very good ideas.

Emily B


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Gloredhel
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 08:50 PM

If someone comes in after the performance has started, stop what you're doing and say, "You're late! Ok, here's what you've missed" (goes through major points of performance so far, such as song titles, etc.). Or, if they have to step over people to get to their seats, it's funny if you sort of mumble "'scuse me, pardon me, sorry, 'scuse me" until they sit down. (Got that one from watching the great classical pianist and humorist Victor Borge.)


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Coyote Breath
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 09:03 PM

As a banjo player I must often make many tunings. Until I can afford more than one banjo. Sometimes things just seem to take forever. I usually look up and say; "I hope you're taking notes...There'll be a quiz later."

And when some one asks (as someone always does) for me to play "Duelling Banjos" I always beg off saying, "nah, I can't manage that tonight, unless one of you has a banjo."

Once, playing with another banjoist, someone (probably the same guy) asked if we could play "Duelling Banjos" and we both had the same thought at the same time and jumped up, holding our banjos ala fencing swords and I shouted "en garde" as I lunged at him.

Or I say (to a noisy audience) "Now pay close attention to this next song, there are some really filthy lyrics in it."

CB


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,chip2447
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 01:37 AM


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,chip244y
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 01:47 AM

Oops...
"I'm available for adoption, nearly housebroken and I dont eat much."
"Help me prove my parents wrong, they wanted me to get into to computers"

Chip2447


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: dougboywonder
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 05:08 AM

Keith Donnely used to have a favorite of encouraging the most surreal heckles possible and then bettering them. If you'd never seen him before, someone shouting "Orange!" and him stopping and shouting "I wouldn't be seen dead watching baywatch", must have been quite disconcerting, but it was very funny if you knew about it.

"Heavy contact lense....."


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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Troll
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 08:05 AM

Re: Hecklers. My favorites are:
Why don't you save your breath for your inflatable date?
Ah! You were here last night. I never forget a shirt.

troll


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Mudcat time: 21 October 3:53 PM EDT

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