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BS: totally non-music; Milestones
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Subject: totally non-music; Milestones From: TerriM Date: 26 May 00 - 02:08 PM After playing ladies maid for about two hours, I have finally waved my daughter off to her 6th Year Leavers Ball ( American equivalent, senior prom, I think). She looked so young, and yet so grown up, radiantly happy and heart-breakingly beautiful and quite honestly, I don't know whether to burst with pride or sob my head off.I can't quite believe that my little girl is grown and,so very soon now, will be gone. I know/hope there will be other milestones but will there ever be another about which I feel so ambivalent, I wonder? Is my work here almost done? What are the milestones in your kids lives that have meant the most to you..... and does anyone have a kleenex? |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Wesley S Date: 26 May 00 - 02:27 PM I don't have any kids but two quotes I've heard recently about child raising have stuck with me. The first one is " You spend the first 18 monthes teaching kids to stand up and talk and the next 18 years trying to get them to sit down and shut up" The other one is " Some days can be an eternity and the years flash by in seconds" So go ahead - burst with pride AND sob your head off. You deserve it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: JulieF Date: 26 May 00 - 02:29 PM There have been so many and there will be so many more. What about a month ago when my daughter made her debut with the City of Sheffeild Youth Orchestra - right at the back of the second violins. I almost didn't recognise her as she came on in the long black dress the puchase of which had been a shopping nightmare. I couldn't believe she was playing in a group that made such a wonderful sound. ( Broadcast next Monday 9.00am -11.00 on Classic FM) Next biggy is when we wave her off to play in Florence on the summer tour. To come - major exams Leaving School University First Proper boyfriend ( well one that she wil let ue meet) I don't want to think any further Julie |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: katlaughing Date: 26 May 00 - 02:42 PM Lots more to come, Terri! Wait until she presents you with twin grandsons shortly after your 45th b-day! They are 2 years old today! This one you write of though, does seem to be the first *biggie* for them, as adults. Here's something I wrote when Kirsten, the twins' mom, graduated from high school:
Like a flower she has blossomed, Do you want an embroidered hanky, cotton, silk, plain, fringed with tatting? I've got all kinds. I'll bet what you'll really need, though, is one of my really soft, big old bandanas. They are really comforting and sop up a lot of tears easily! luvyakat |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 26 May 00 - 02:52 PM Totally non music? I don't think so. Just wait for the songs to come flooding in to this thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Wesley S Date: 26 May 00 - 04:00 PM And speaking of songs - for heavens sake don't listen to "Turn Around" anytime in the near future or the waterworks will be unbearable. That song always makes me tear up. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: GUEST,Mbo Date: 26 May 00 - 04:02 PM I got a good one but I can't find the lyrics. Stupid internet. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: katlaughing Date: 26 May 00 - 04:20 PM There's always "Sunrise, Sunset" from Fiddler..."is this the little girl" etc.... Better just go sing Little Bunnie foo-foo or something else silly! Take a look at the lyrics for "Donuts, Donuts" to the tune of Dona, Dona, using Super Search. Alison from Oz sang it the other night and it is hilarious! |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Mbo Date: 26 May 00 - 04:35 PM There's a teenage kid no matter what he did Nobody ever understands And he don't measure up and he's had enough Can't be his daddy's little man So he pulls out that hot rod Chevy Puts in his favorite cassette Well he ain't goin' to no college The world is waitin' up ahead On the road Where the night is black On the road Where you don't look back There's a white line in the distance Where it's going nobody knows If it's anywhere you'll find it On the road --Mbo |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: catspaw49 Date: 26 May 00 - 04:46 PM Well Terri me dear, that's quite a time. The biggest joy of children is oft times the greatest sorrow. Every milestone is time of happiness jumbled together with the sadness of time. I have many childless friends who I know are happy in their lives. I always thought I would be one of those. But the moments shared as children grow are some of the happiest times of my life and now I wonder how anyone can live without them. My son tristan is one of those "Special Kids"....Mentally retarded with multiple autistic tendencies. He's eight now and his progress inlearning is spectacular to the point that Karen and I are both awed and teary-eyed almost once a day anymore. My son Michael is having a lot of trouble learning the 3 R's but his artistic ability is simply unbelievable. The other day, two well respected artists were completely gassed at the work of this 7 year old that they consider a prodigy. I live each day thankful for each of them and the moments and milestones that sparkle the lives of Karen and I. Here's big hug, a big smile, and a big crying towel,"Parent" sized all!!! Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Pinetop Slim Date: 26 May 00 - 06:47 PM Congratulations, TerriM. I know what you mean about not knowing whether to burst with pride or sob -- that's just how I was feeling on Mother's Day, when my daughter graduated from college. Someday I might finish up a song I started for her, a country style thing called Tall Walkin' Women: Found her standing in her crib today Wearing just a diaper and a smile My baby's taken her very first steps She'll be walking many a mile Cho: Follow the steps of the Tall Walkin' Women Take their trail, blaze it on, claim your space Follow the steps of the Tall Walkin' Women Let each stride speak of strength and of grace |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: WyoWoman Date: 26 May 00 - 08:40 PM Hi, Terry, We haven't met -- I've been transiting from job to no-job and from Wyoming to Colorado -- but I wrote a column (yup, a journalist) about this very thing a while back and I'd love to send you a copy if you'll let me know your email address (you can send it by way of personal message if you'd like). Or just let me know and I'll send the column to you in a personal message. It talks about that great parental letdown once we see our fledglings take flight... WW |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: MMario Date: 26 May 00 - 08:54 PM Why do they grow so fast? Why doesn't childhood last? She was my baby this morning But a woman when she went out the door I looked in this morning While she was asleep A smile on her face And her hair 'cross her cheek Her teddy bear held tight To guard dreams from harm This child I bore And nursed in my arms Why do they grow so fast? Why doesn't childhood last? She was my baby this morning But a woman when she went out the door Has it been all that long? Since she was a babe? All burps and smiles And fists that would wave I tucked her in tightly Each night with a song And now I just wonder Have I done right or wrong? Why do they grow so fast? Why doesn't childhood last? She was my baby this morning But a woman when she went out the door I watched her go out A smile on her face A young vision of beauty With confidence and grace How can it be, when I'm so filled with pride That I'm beaming without Yet weeping inside? Why do they grow so fast? Why doesn't childhood last? She was my baby this morning But a woman when she went out the door okay - so I fudged it a little, since I'm not equipped to be a mother, and haven't fathered any....but let me tell you, Uncles watch milestones go by as much as parents do. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: mactheturk Date: 27 May 00 - 08:12 AM David Wilcox addresses those turbulent teenage years in his song "Saturday They'll All Be Back Again." Johnny's out cruising down the fast food strip,he rides the high-wheeler Ford. He's down here every evening since the school let out, an ordinary man would be bored. Johnny's got the hunger of a high school heart, and a tank full of minimum wage. So it's six lights down, six lights back, pacing like a lion in a cage. He's running on a tether, tearing at the ground trying to find a way to break the chain, This howling in the distance it's a captivating sound Can't tell if it's ecstasy or pain, Saturday they'll all be back again. Its lonely, like hunger driven to the same old place. Rumble like thunder, don't you think that Angels hear the passion of this Human Race.
Mac |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Pinetop Slim Date: 27 May 00 - 09:39 AM Compliments, MMario. That's right on. Helps to change my definition of uncles as "people who buy dart guns and toys with zillions of tiny parts." |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Amos Date: 27 May 00 - 10:02 AM Nicely, nicely done MM. Just beautiful. A year ago I saw Barky off to her first prom (not her senior year but as someone's date) and I almost fainted when she stepped out of her room where she and a friend had been doing makeup for two hours. She looked like a balance between Helen of Troy, Hera, and Puck. Her escort had the good sense to gasp audibly. There was a much earlier milestone I recall -- the first time she walked to school by herself. I think she was five, and school was three blocks away. She was awful proud and strode off, and I followed just out of sight to make sure she would be okay. She stopped three times to speak to someone weeding or a postman or such and tell them that she was walking to school, and that she was doing it all by herself. And she did, too. She stood up and spoke at her sixth grade graduation, a little essay she had written that showed a depth and talent in composition that really stunned me. In two years she will be off to a university; in four more, in full flight in the world. It is unbelievable! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Mbo Date: 27 May 00 - 10:11 AM Beautiful, Amos. I got the lyrics for that song, it's really good, I'll try and get it posted this afternoon. --Mbo |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: WyoWoman Date: 27 May 00 - 12:39 PM Mac, thanks for turning me on to that song, too. Think I'll click on that jumping blue mudcat and see if I can find the CD. (I knew as soon as I got back into reading these *($&ed threads I'd start running up the bill on new CDs again...) ww |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: TerriM Date: 27 May 00 - 01:48 PM Thank you all for your kind words and support, they have meant a great deal to me. Mmario, I loved your song and with your permission I thought I would write it out and paste it in the photo album I am making for her to take away to university....Oh, Lord, just wait till you see the misery and parental angst that's gonna cause! |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Mrrzy Date: 27 May 00 - 01:58 PM This is a great thread! My twins are actually 5, which is shocking to me; at 5 my family packed up and moved to West Africa, and it amazes me to look at them and think of what I was doing at that age. Them turning 5 was a real humdinger. But I think the sense of pride and accomplishment kind of milestone so far was really them making it home from the hospital. They were 10 weeks early, and the smaller one had no amniotic sac for 3 weeks before that, and a leaky placenta to boot. Yet, William was home nearly a month before his due date (when preemies come home, on average), and Tim 2 weeks later. But the sight of each of them in turn, each in his huge-seeming car seat and out of the french-fry warmer thing for the last time, was filled with everything you describe. I think the next one will be seeing them get on the school bus for real school, not daycare/preschool, this August... I plan to have a kleenex handy! |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Llanfair Date: 27 May 00 - 02:04 PM My eldest son visited yesterday with Jake, my 3 month old grandson. Tim left school with no qualifications, but starts officer training with the RAF at Cranwell on Monday. Grandmotherhood is the milestone I'm finding the most difficult to assimilate. Hwyl, Bron. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: JamesJim Date: 27 May 00 - 02:08 PM I couldn't resist responding to this one. It made me think of the beautiful song penned by John Denver (sung on the Muppet show), "When the River meets the Sea." We all are headed in the same direction and it's the milestones of life that make us realize how fragile life is. I love the second verse of this song: "Like a baby when it's sleeping, in it's loving mother's arms; what a newborn baby dreams is a mystery; but his (or her) life will find a purpose and in time he'll understand; when the river meets the sea." Cherish the moments. Jim |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: mactheturk Date: 27 May 00 - 02:35 PM Here's a great song about that metamorphic change from young man to adulthood. It's especially good if you have kids like I do, in their 20's. Or maybe it applies to all of us who still have to deal with growing up. The song is by David Wilcox and is called "Young Man Dies" (it's only a metaphor) There's a young man dying as he stands beside the sea. You can see him smiling, unbelievably free; wind in his hair, light in his eyes, he looks a lot like you, and you look so surprised that he would send you on your way, with no good-byes. But he can't go, and you can't stay, 'cause in the years it takes to make one man wise, the young man dies. Meanwhile your sailing, as you wave good-bye to shore. You're anticipating what these new days will hold in store. It's the mystery of the ocean, but now he's in over his head. This is no place for the young man, he's got to send you off instead. And still you're looking so surprised, that this change has come as prophesied but the years won't compromise, cause in the years it takes to make one man wise, the young man dies. Yeah, but he could dream, all right. He could picture a perfect sunrise in the middle of your darkest night. And he could take a sip from someday, like he had a secret well. He could listen to the voices calling from a distant time to tell. It's you in that picture where you're looking far away, like you hear a whisper of the things you'll know someday But back then your heart was hungry, for something hard to find, you were just holding ou for someday, but you left that pain behind, 'cause he walked through those mountains, for as long as he could bear, he never reached the fountain, but he could take you there. 'cause in the time it takes to make one man wise, the young man dies... (check it out, the melody is great, my son is 23 and it's one of "our" favorite tunes)
a secret well. He could listen to the voices calling from a distant time to tell. It's you in that picture where you're looking far away, like you hear a whisper of the things you'll know someday But back then your heart was hungry for that something hard to find,you were just holding out for someday, but you left that pain behind. 'cause he walked you through those mountains, for as long as he could bear. He never reached that the fountain but he could take you there 'cause in the time it takes to make one man wise, a young man dies. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: mactheturk Date: 27 May 00 - 02:44 PM sorry for the overlap(typo) Mac |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: JulieF Date: 27 May 00 - 04:54 PM Its wondeful hearing about these moments in everyone's lives - although I read mine again and thought - God its comming over as pushy / boastful parent rather than mother knock out at where daughter had got to. Forgive me its just that I get excited. What I was thinking was - do these milestones in our lives coincide with our chidrens miles stones. I can only think of two occasions where it was really, really a milestone and I knew it at the time. One was when my parents dropped me and all my stuff at University at the begining of my first year and the other was the point when it dawned on me what the exact consequences of being pregnant was. On many cases what we consider as parents to be milestones are just continuation of growth for our children. Which is probably why I always get told - "don't make a fuss" Julie |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: keltcgrasshoppper Date: 27 May 00 - 05:44 PM When I look back over the years with my two children several milestones stick out.. With Chelsey my daughter it was her Wedding.. The day was amazing they were married in a beautiful park.. Chelsey looked like a princess.. all of that was expected.. but after the vows were said they turned and released thirty monarch butterflies..As they recited a beautiful American Indian Prayer.. It was breath taking to see.. but or course I couldn't see I was crying too hard... For Gabe... when we dropped him at college..He said " Well if its okey Mom, I'd like to start my new life now." Oh the tears I cried all the way home.. Both of them are my joy.. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: MMario Date: 27 May 00 - 06:59 PM TerriM - of course you can copy it out...Wish I could do the "dots" for you.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: catspaw49 Date: 27 May 00 - 10:24 PM Mario my friend, that is truly beautiful....and though being an Uncle is nice, it proves how much you need to be a Dad. You'd be terrific. Julie, you make a good point re: milestone "perspectives." Quite true. Depends on which angle you're coming from....or which end of life. One of the neatest things about having a kid like Tristan is that to him, none of the things that excite Karen and I mean anything more to him than anything else. And Julie, BTW....This thread and the ones that are similar to it are often populated by folks who understand being a parent and find no problem in proud parents. If we had more "proud parents" we might not have so many kids shooting each other. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Pinetop Slim Date: 27 May 00 - 11:31 PM Dropping her off for her first week away at a summer conference called YRUU got the corn popping about 6 years ago: There's a little bit of land Surrounded by the sea And they named it for a piece of the sky Every year in June, ferry whistle pipes the tune Star Island, we're coming home to you Cho. YRUU? Why am I me? On Star Island, the answer is to be YRUU? Why am I me? Little Island gave us room to feel free 2. For a 15-year-old girl stepping out into the world Star Island was the place she chose to start She looked a trifle sad, on the dock with mom and dad Then sailed off to find that home's inside the heart Cho.
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Spider Tom Date: 28 May 00 - 06:28 AM I have two children, my son the eldest is still at home with us, so i see him daily you live with change when it's on your doorstep, but when my daughter moved out to find her independance, I felt it deeper than I thought I would. My feelings sent me to write this song, which I call OUR KID, as they are like cheese and chalk and therefore it's addressed to each as a seperate entity. OUR KID (C)Ken Robertson(Spider Tom) We love you, we're not perfect, Nobody ever was. At times you might misunderstand, Our feelings just because, It's not easy raising children, There's no instruction book, That's got YOU in its covers, I know because I've looked. You're not there in the covers, I know because I've looked. You are unique, one of a kind, A gift to share our life, A mix of joy and troubles, For a husband, and a wife. We share your every bit of pain, Except the pain you've hid. We share your joys, we dream for you, We love you, your our kid. And now you walk the paths of life, And we're not there with you, Please understand our worries, When we share concernes with you, 'Cause, though you are all grown up now, Sharp brains, and lots of charmes, It seems like only yesterday, You were a baby in our arms, It seems just like yesterday, You were the baby, in our arms. Still does! Spider Tom (with a lump in my throat) |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: JamesJim Date: 28 May 00 - 01:08 PM Spider Tom, I have a lump in my throat as well. Beautiful words that touched me. Now I'm watching my grandkids grow up - all five of them. The oldest is only seven years old and she reminds me of my daughter at that age. My son is a loving father and my daughter a loving mother. I'm sure they have learned from my mistakes in child rearing, but as your song so aptly puts it, "there's no instruction book." Jim |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Spider Tom Date: 29 May 00 - 05:54 AM Thanks Jim, I always think it funny that we are all SO different, and yet maybe we are not.
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: kendall Date: 29 May 00 - 09:13 AM Turn Around always tore me up when my girls were little. It's much more touching now that they have "gone out the door" |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Morticia Date: 03 Oct 00 - 02:30 PM I couldn't resist revisiting this as today my 'little girl' left home.As predicted I am wretched with grief and have sobbed so much my eyes are swollen shut...I know she's embarking on the next stage of her life, I know it's all just as it should be...but oh, what I wouldn't give for one more cuddle and bedtime story before I tuck her in... |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Ely Date: 03 Oct 00 - 04:08 PM [I'm not at the parenting stage of life yet] My mother's favorite thing to say about my brother and I is that she knew she would LOVE her kids, she just didn't realize she would LIKE them so much. Mom sent me off to college with the words to Gordon Bok's "Dark Old Waters", which is in the archives. I'm learning disabled and it took me a long time--much longer than most kids--to get to the "normal" milestones. Mom can't wait for me to be home from college for good in December, but she's also excited that I might not come "home" to her home and that I'll be very bored and restless if I do. She was afraid I would never be . . . functional enough, I guess . . . to want to do that. (Which is not to say that she doubted me, only that she knew I would have a lot of personal obstacles.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Mrrzy Date: 04 Oct 00 - 09:54 AM I just reread my earlier post to this thread, and yes, seeing them get on to the school bus... wow! I cried all the way to work (didn't have enough sense to go back home and cry there, and THEN go to work)... I wonder, though, if it would have had that effect had I ever ridden a school bus myself. The French don't do that, not even in Africa. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: CamiSu Date: 04 Oct 00 - 11:22 PM I'm crying out loud, guys. With two at studies in Europe and one in 3rd grade, I've seen a lot of these milestones, and usually manage them without making a fuss, but when I look back... or hear any of the songs... oh dear, get me one of those bandannas, Kat. Things like watching my eldest in his first apartment, cooking dinner for me and his housemates. Watching Jessica stride through the customs door, on her returns from school. I'm not sure WHAT I will do when my last little boy, goes out on his own. He hugs me and tries to rub my back with his little hands! And two days ago he took his first round on a light board during a focus, following in his big brother's tracks. I truly understand the comment about LIKING our kids. It is so lovely to see them turning out decent and NICE! And the song about they'll all come back Saturday night, makes me think of the parties Jessica would have. In the morning we'd find kids sleeping all over the house. They STILL come back, and I hope they never stop! And you know, sometimes it's not the big steps that get you, but just looking at them across the room. Cami Su whohasgottenhereyesdrybytakingforevertotypethis |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: GospelPicker (inactive) Date: 05 Oct 00 - 11:28 AM Just a piece of wisdom from the Holy Bible... "Train up a child in the way he (she) should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." It's found in the book of the Proverbs, and it speaks volumes about our responsibilities to our families... Remember, if you have done your job and instructed your child well, whether or not they seem to be listening to you now, when they are older and they come to a decision-making place in their lives, they will remember what Mom and/or Dad said... and not depart from it. I will pray for you and yours... all you parents... you are in my prayers and God's hands... GospelPicker @:()>[+]
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Naemanson Date: 05 Oct 00 - 12:10 PM I have been through some of these milestones and have a few more to go. My older daughter graduated high school (valedictorian) in 1998 and I had a hard time focusing the camera through the tears as she spoke to the assembled masses. The tears came from pride and loss as I realized she was approaching the time when she would walk on her own without needing me there. (Damn, I'm getting teary just thinking about it. Any more of those bandannas around?) She has a group of close friends all of whom I consider my "other" daughters and sons. When that crew graduated I felt the same for each and every one. Then came the following fall and I packed her off to college. It was a ten hour drive with a truck full of stuff but her mother delivered her and I got to stay homme and wander through the empty rooms and wonder what had happened. I have another daughter in high school and in just under two years I get to do it all over again. I am not looking forward to it and yet I want to see her flying free. College graduations will come along. And marriage. And children. And jobs. And heartbreak. And joy. And life will spin out through all the days of this Earth. Life is sweet and it is the people in our lives that add to that sweetness. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: CarolC Date: 06 Oct 00 - 12:13 AM My son's senior class pictures. I just found out about them yesterday. To me, that really brings home the fact that he's almost finished with high school. CamiSu, you reminded me of a memory I have of my son when he was little. I remember when he was small enough to walk on my back. He did it so well, too. Now, he towers over me. I could probably walk on his back. I really like the person he is becoming as he grows up. He's turning out pretty much exactly as I would have hoped. I feel very blessed to be able to say that. Carol |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: GUEST Date: 06 Oct 00 - 01:27 PM I used to be able to work magic. I could fix a bicycle or set a kite aloft. The awe these feats inspired has waned and in its stead a desire for tricks no less intriguing or difficult to perform but whose outcomes have more tangible results: to explain the unfathomable mysteries of algebra or make ten dollars disappear from my hand and miraculously appear into hers. Makes you kind of nostalgic for the good old days. There's a milestone in there somewhere.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: catspaw49 Date: 06 Oct 00 - 01:38 PM Since we ran this thread the first time, some of you might recall the "Training Wheels" that Gervase was so god to help us locate for Tristan. It was our hope that they might at least give him the chance to ride with the other kids and maybe in some time, perhaps be able to manage without. To our complete amazement, he learned to ride without them last month and was just using them to get started. They are now off altogether and last night I stepped out into the garage and a neighbor kid went flying down the alley on his bike. Hot on his heels and riding like a pro was Tristan. That's a milestone. As I said before in this thread, parents of "special kids" look to such small things as being monstrous achievements. This one truly is. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: WyoWoman Date: 06 Oct 00 - 03:51 PM I know this is long, so just click past if you don't want to read it. This is the column I wrote about this subject ... ww Parental Letdown Just Takes Longer By K. C. Compton When my son was a toddler and first began day care, I discovered a phenomenon known as "let-down." Every time I went to pick him up, he'd be playing happily with the other children, but as soon as he saw me, he'd run to me and collapse in my arms, wracked with sobs. At first I thought I was making my baby cry. Then one day, poring over my Dr. Spock, I read that this saving of tears for Mom and Dad is a common occurrence with the little ones. They cope and cope for as long as they must, but when they reach safety – Mommy's or Daddy's arms – they let go of the tension and fall apart. Called let-down, it doesn't last long. With some parental patience and freely dispensed cuddling, soon the emotions are knitted up again. Now, more than 20 years after this initial discovery, I've found that parents have their own version of let-down. It just takes much longer. Over the holidays, I went to New Mexico to stay with my kids – a passage, sure enough. Until this year, for 25 years, one or both of these children have been together with me, under my roof, to celebrate the holidays. This year, I was the itinerant. My son graduated from college two years ago and has already put together a career, a house and a serious relationship with a gracious, intelligent young woman. My daughter, a college junior, flew down to meet us for the holidays. In her, I saw a new-found seriousness of purpose, a coming together of her energies and focus in ways that inspire my deep confidence. I found myself watching her talk with friends -- with my friends over dinner, with her friends as they went out to a party, with acquaintances from the church we attended much of her life – and the mantra that kept inserting itself into my mind was, "She's ready." It wasn't just that she's ready for the next semester of school, or for a successful social life. I know now deep in my heart that she's ready for her life. She's gotten what she needs from me and she's good to go. I had a similar, stronger, response when I walked into my son's home for dinner. The last time I saw this house, it was a bachelor's place he shared with two college roommates. There was a pool table in the dining room; beer cans played a prominent part in the decor. The pool hall motif is gone now, replaced by an actual table, decorated this night with candles, matching dinnerware and cloth napkins. "This house looks great," I said. "A woman lives here now, " he replied with a grin. And that was true – but there was more. An adult man lives there now, one with a sense of pride and direction for his future. He also is ready, even though his confidence sometimes waxes, sometimes wanes. I got the job done. Once I started to let that thought in – that I have really, really, really accomplished the most important task I ever undertook – a train of emotion comes barreling my way. The day my son was born, some part of my consciousness locked its laser on this moment – my children as whole, healthy, competent adults – and, waking or sleeping, healthy or sick, happy or sad, stupid or wise, I have never let go of that vision. That's a whole lot of holding on. And now, it's a whole lot of letting go. Since I returned from my holiday, I've been feeling unfamiliar to myself. At home last night, I started crying and, for what seemed like hours, I couldn't stop. I wasn't sad, I was just turning loose. What I let go of – and hadn't even realized was there – was terror. How odd that we can go along for 25 years without realizing – except in brief, quickly repressed moments – that we are scared to death. I was so afraid for all those years that I would die, or that some terrible accident would befall me and my children would be left motherless before they had enough of my particular strength to make it on their own. As a single mother for most of their lives, I keenly felt their need for me. Alternately I was afraid they would die – or worse, that something in their spirits would be killed off because I failed them in some essential way. None of those fears came to pass. Most of our fears never do. But perhaps where our children are concerned, our terror of doing them harm or failing them helps keep us on a path that by its definition must be straight and narrow. Austin and Ariel will always be my kids, of course, and we'll always need and depend on each other. But I am now deeply assured that those life-and-death days of childhood have been successfully navigated. Whew. Way whew. copyright 2000/Relaxed Fit by K.C. Compton
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: mousethief Date: 06 Oct 00 - 04:12 PM Wow, WW, that's great. Mine are all still at home, but my day is coming.
Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: catspaw49 Date: 06 Oct 00 - 04:32 PM Well done as always Pansy. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Naemanson Date: 06 Oct 00 - 04:51 PM Wow, Wyo, that's great. As I read it I realized that I have been looking at my kids and seeing that milestone coming. I caught a glimpse of it when my older daughter drove off, by herself, in her own van headed for college in Pennsylvania without me helping. I catch a glimpse of it when my younger daughter talks of going off to callege. And in my heart there is a piece of me that screams that they are too young to be going out there alone. I have to clamp a hand over that, let the terror wash around down deep and not give them any hint that it's there. For to show that to them would be to betray a lack of trust in their abilities and their judgement. To reveal that fear would be to reveal a mistrust that I do not truly feel. It is a primal thing. It is a need to protect and nurture. And the time for that protection is passing. I trust my kids to make good decisions. I trust them to make their way in this world. I know I am giving them the tools they need to be successful. All I can do is to offer them a safe haven for when their mistakes overwhelm them. All I can offer now is acceptance and love. That has to be enough. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: catspaw49 Date: 06 Oct 00 - 05:06 PM A parent who wasn't concerned or a child that just leaves without maintaining contact wouldn't be too good for the species either. Its sad to see parents who are either uncaring or overly concerned. Its a job and like most, it has variuos phases it goes through. I read this thread and wish that more parents had the handle on that as so many here do. And I see kids who are "gone for good" and others who are in constant contact and I worry about them too. Neither is healthy. They now have a life of their own and decisions to be made and parents should be consulted, but it is just as unhealthy to be "in obeyance" of your parents at 18 or 20 as it is to be "in absentia." Tough times for all, but all part of the jobs..........parenting and maturing. Lots of neat folks on this thread............... Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Naemanson Date: 07 Oct 00 - 02:34 AM You're right 'Spaw, it's a job. And it's more than that. There is a commitment that people don't realize until they are immersed in it. Plus there is the fact that it is a job without an interview process and no instruction book. The training program is cleverly disguised as "growing up" and is generaly ignored until too late. |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Liz the Squeak Date: 07 Oct 00 - 02:49 AM I think I could play my part in my training programme a lot better if I had a copy of the script.... My little darling is at the opposite end of Fiona's and CarolC's sons' lives, she just got her first school photos through this week, and remembering what a foul time I had at school, I just pray that hers is better.... Her little face, all clean and bright, her hair all neat (how in heaven's name did THAT happen - this is the child who would scream OUCH if you just picked up the hairbrush on the other side of the room!), her expression bordering on the hopeful and nauseatingly cuyoowut (her pronunciation of cute....... usually about 4 syllables)and I wanted to howl!!! STOP PRESS Liz the Squeak DOES have a sentimental streak!! She goes full time to Reception class in only 4 months, I have no doubts about how she will cope, but me? That may well be a different story..... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: totally non-music; Milestones From: Micca Date: 07 Oct 00 - 07:52 AM Let me declare right off, I have no children, but my "pseudo" daughter, did all these things , the leaving, the hair-brained scrapes, the lot: and we are still the best of friends and drink together, and underlying it all, in spite of the traumas and real pain sometimes, is the absolute faith and certainty we have of each others love and support. And I wouldnt trade it for a million. We(and I say this with real pride, as I was involved) train and coach our children to stand on their own two feet, we must not interfere in their learning to do so and to walk. We can not do it for them, we learned (eventually) from our mistakes, why should we try and deprive them of this vital learning experience. There is no substitute (or greater joy) for when they come back to you for help and advice, and say , casually, "Well of course I come to you first". The other great milestone of course , is when they buy you a legal beer from money they have earned themselves, in the UK that is on or after their 18th Birthday. |