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Help: Good Friend betrayed me
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Subject: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,Girl from the UK Date: 24 Nov 00 - 10:58 AM A very good friend of mine has stolen a considerable amount of money from me(£750)and gambled it away. He is lying to me at the moment about being ill and not being able to send the money (that in the first place he should not have touched). I have ben given information that he has set up a crime to get some insurance which is presumably to pay me back. I don't know what to do I have posted this as a guest becuase of the sensitive nature of this post. You are all my friends out there, and I know you don't like guests post, but in this case I hope you will forgive me I am left shocked by what has happened, but am also worried about what my friend will do next. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Gervase Date: 24 Nov 00 - 11:13 AM Ouch! A difficult one this. If your friend is desperate enough to steal such a large amount from you, then his stability might be in question - so a full-on facing up to the crime might not be the best approach. However, you need to let this friend know that you are aware of what has happened and that you believe him to be lying about repaying the money, and that you recognise that he has a problem with gambling which will need help. It may also be an idea, if this is a close friend, to help seek advice from the CAB (see the thread about the bailiffs for details) and from other agencies, including Gamblers Anonymous. If he's desperate to pinch £750 from you, it sounds like he's in over his head on the gambling thing and is in urgent need of help. Whatever, it sounds like a horrible betrayal - and good luck with the money and the friendship. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Gypsy Date: 24 Nov 00 - 11:16 AM I have no answers, but i surely sympathize with you on this. You must be hard pressed as to which is worse....the betrayal, or the $$$$ So sorry that this happened to you |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Steve Latimer Date: 24 Nov 00 - 11:23 AM Tough one. I'm sure that being out that amount of money just before Christmas makes it even more difficult. I would suggest that you are on to him and his plot for the insurance scam and that you would rather he take the time to repay you when he can rather than with dirty money from an insurance scam. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: kendall Date: 24 Nov 00 - 11:27 AM This is a friend? You must be a super nice person. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,Girl in the UK Date: 24 Nov 00 - 11:43 AM Not a super nice person, but very green. I cannot beleive he has done this to me. I find the idea of being repayed by an insurance scam dispicable. I just have no idea how I can face him again. He is in a large circle of friends who would be disgusted at his behaviour. I did wonder whether he had had a break down, but he sent me a letter with obvious lies in it, wanting me to be sympathetic because he was ill in bed all week. When I know for a fact he has been in and out all week in the pub! |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Patrish(inactive) Date: 24 Nov 00 - 11:57 AM I'm sorry to say that a similar thing happened to me when I lent my cousin a large amount of money and he never paid it back. His family were so ashamed at first, but then they stopped speaking to me , I think because I reminded them of something unpleasant. My advice would be to talk this out with your "friend" and also with someone you can really trust. Patrish |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Noreen Date: 24 Nov 00 - 11:57 AM Sympathy for you. Don't be cross with yourself for being trusting, YOU are right here and he is wrong. Doesn't make this easier to cope with, though... Noreen |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,girl in the UK Date: 24 Nov 00 - 12:04 PM I am so cross that he could do this to ME......... I have helped him in so many ways, found him jobs, given him money, listened to his problems - laughed at his bloody jokes, tried to help him and he seemed to really love me, he is nothing but a bastard. Except of course, and this will sound stupid, I am worried about him Guestwhoisgoingtogetintothevodkatonight |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Mrrzy Date: 24 Nov 00 - 12:09 PM You are right to be worried, UKGirl. Does England have an equivalent of Gambler's Anonymous? YOU might think about going to a meeting and getting some advice on how to help/deal... I assume you don't want to have him arrested for theft but it might actually do him some good to have someoen ELSE, not a friend, tell him in no uncertain terms that he has crossed a line. Being arrested might do that... and if you, as the plaintiff, ask that he get therapy or something instead of doing time, he might get it...??? He may never forgive you, but how will you feel if he gets caught doing this insurance thing instead? I AM NOT SAYING IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY - just that you sound like the kind of nice person who would FEEL responsible if that does end up happening. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Wavestar Date: 24 Nov 00 - 12:10 PM That doesn't sound the least bit stupid, Guest/Girl. You obviously cared about him when you did all that for him, it would be silly to think that woudl just stop because he has done something awful to you. Do you have any other close friends who might be close enough to both of you that he or she could help in the matter? I does sound like your friend has a problem, and I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want the 'dirty' money - perhaps this other friend could make an effort to dissuade him without it seeming like an accusation for you. I'm sorry you've been betrayed. I know the feeling, not from a situation like this, but that feeling of loss is always the same. I don't think you were completely wrong about him, though - he clearly feels guilty, he's not a complete bastard. A complete bastard wouldn't care if he'd taken someone's money, or if someone laughed at his jokes, either. -Jessica |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: flattop Date: 24 Nov 00 - 12:16 PM This reminds me of one of the question Halberstam poses in his book, Everyday Ethics: Do you like your frends? Relationships can get us into difficult situations. Believe it or not, Girl in the UK, a mudcat member has treated another mudcat member in ways that worse than your friend has treated you. In spite of my advise, she hasn't told mudcatters, even in general terms without mentioning names, what he has done to her. I believe the mudcat community would express their contempt for his behaviour if they only knew half the story. I know that this doesn't help much with your problem except to know that you are less alone. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Wincing Devil Date: 24 Nov 00 - 12:17 PM When in doubt, tell the truth... To the police. This may even get your money back. It will keep your friend from doing it to somebody else.
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Clinton Hammond2 Date: 24 Nov 00 - 12:29 PM Ummm... ya really wanna get this so called friend help? Call the cops on him and let him do jail time... And if that don't fix his little red wagon, cut him loose... Friends like that, no one needs... :-| |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Morticia Date: 24 Nov 00 - 01:32 PM I have to agree with the above sentiment here.If you allow him away with this, you are fundamentally saying this behaviour is okay. So, he rips off you today, who tomorrow?Someone who will arrange it that you find him floating face down in the Manchester Shp Canal next time? Go to the police and go now.....it might save his life. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST Date: 24 Nov 00 - 02:45 PM Gituk, call him and tell him the money is not important and not to worry. Tell him you heard about his plan to commit a crime and you would not like to be responsible for such an act. Eat the money, and then forget about him as a friend. It will be better in the long run. Don't get into an argument with him about it. Just tell him, and let it go. This is what I would do. Not having the money won't kill you, but it will hurt him tremendously. Love, annamill |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: kendall Date: 24 Nov 00 - 03:12 PM Do you have the equivelent of a small claims court? If so, take him there. Dont let him get away with this, it's obvious that he doesn't hold you in very high regard. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Alice Date: 24 Nov 00 - 03:23 PM UK Girl, I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is a good lesson we each face when we are young and naive - that people are not always what we THINK they are, or HOPE they are, or WISH they can be. The best thing you can do for him is to call the police and keep him out of your life, totally. Learning to be a better judge of character in choosing our friends and associates is one of the most valuable (and painful) lessons we get from experiences like this. Take care. Be careful. Protect yourself. Think about your own welfare, don't try to protect him. He's not a friend, you only thought he was, because you were not aware of his true nature. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Lanfranc Date: 24 Nov 00 - 04:01 PM In the past few years I have learned that to lend money to a friend, or to back their business ventures is a sure way to lose both "friends" and money! Hindsight is wonderful, and you think "It couldn't happen again", but believe me, it can! There seems to be a rule that says that , when someone is desperate enough to tap a friend for funds, they are already on the slippery slope to losing all scruples. If nothing else, learn by the experience. It's painful, but that's life.
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Margo Date: 24 Nov 00 - 05:11 PM First, the important thing is not to focus on him or the money, but on yourself.... you said "I cannot beleive he has done this to me". But perhaps you ought to be saying I cannot believe I let him do this to me... For when people are taken advantage of, it is done with their allowing it to happen. I speak from experience! I used to have people walk all over me and then I started looking at myself. Secondly, do not believe second hand info... do you know for a fact he is going to try an insurance scam? Just because you've had a "guilty" part in allowing things to take course the way they did, that doesn't mean you shouldn't stand up for yourself, ie. small claims court or a complaint to the police... I think that kind of action is appropriate. Really, I speak kindly when I want to point out that you had a role in it because if you come to understand why, that's the key to it never happening again. I've been there, Margo |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Liz the Squeak Date: 24 Nov 00 - 06:56 PM If the guy really is about to commit a crime - and you know about it, you have to tell - remember how you felt when he ripped you off? People have to learn that this behaviour will not be tolerated.... it is bullying to the nth degree. It doesn't matter if he says he loves you. I had my skull fractured, and a fair bit of internal damage done by someone who said he loved me. Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you. Don't forget, you can always report a crime anonymously to the Crimestoppers line.... they will listen, and you are guaranteed no names. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Sorcha Date: 24 Nov 00 - 07:20 PM He is not a friend, and he is beyond your help. GO to the Police, NOW! He will do it again, I promise you. Next time it could be someone who is home and wants to protect their property..........so he hurts them......... RUN, do not walk, to the nearest Police station and report this immediately. You may not get your money back, but you could save someone's life. Been there, too. Friends, Family and Money............. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: pict Date: 24 Nov 00 - 07:57 PM Tell his wide circle of friends so that they are forewarned of his deceit.Also the best way to let someone know that you disapprove of their behaviour is to ostracise them if this guy has stepped over the line so far as to steal from a good friend then the only solution is goodbye and goodluck.Unless you're willing to press charges I'd say you can kiss your money goodbye not that many people go down the road to Damascus these days. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 24 Nov 00 - 09:05 PM "I have been given information that he has set up a crime" - the person who passed that information on to you may be telling the truth, but not necessarily. It might be a misundwerstanding, it might be a lie. The point is, you don't have that knowledge, the person who told you does.
The primary responsibility for doing something with the information, like going to the police, is your informants, not yours.
Your assumption that the scam is to get money to pay you could well be wrong. There could well be other people he owes money to, maybe very nasty people.
I think the best thing you could do might be to let your "friend" know what you think you know about his plans. You could also let him know that you are willing to wait as long as needs be to get your money back, so he needn't feel under pressure.
You aren't likely to see it anyway - and even if he were to pull of this scam and give you the money, knowing what you know would put you in the position of being an accessory if you accepted it and kept quiet. (And your talkative informant knows about it and it come well come out.) The only way out from that would be to inform the insurance people yourself. And that would be one of the things you let your "friend" know at this point.
The best thing that could happen to your "friend" probably would be if they got caught.
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,Lyle Date: 24 Nov 00 - 10:02 PM There is another slant to this whole thing that I think you should consider. Perhaps this person is not only your friend, but in his eyes, you are his BEST friend, and all the things he has done and is doing is a hugh cry for help. Don't be afraid to have him placed somewhere (wherever UK has that can provide the help) even if it takes an arrest to get him there. Remember that sometimes what appears to be the cruelest thing in the world is actually the best. Not an easy one! My best to you, and my support in whatever you choose. Lyle |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: kendall Date: 24 Nov 00 - 10:57 PM Neither a lender or a borrower be. Ben Franklin |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Jeremiah McCaw Date: 25 Nov 00 - 06:53 AM Forgive me, but this is going to sound very unkind and brutal . . . Vbr>He is a user, and he's been playing you like a fiddle. He's notyour friend. Get mad. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,girl from the UK Date: 25 Nov 00 - 07:06 AM I believe in Karma. I think he will end up paying alot more than just £750. I don't mean money, he has lost my trust and when his other friends find out what happened there is going to be a storm. I found out from someone who I can trust that he did a similar thing a while ago. Perhaps it was kept quiet -I don't know. But this is out of my hands now, as I had to inform my business partner of the loss of the money, and he is going to the Police |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Morticia Date: 25 Nov 00 - 07:14 AM You aren't going to get into trouble regarding the theft, are you?I didn't realise he stole from your business, I thought it was from you personally.He can't implicate you in anyway, can he? Keep us posted won't you, we'll be thinking of you? |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,Girl in the UK Date: 25 Nov 00 - 07:31 AM He stole money (lump sum of 750)from a part time business that I help to run. There is also anothe 550 missing from the retail sales - I can only guess that he took that as well but have no proof. He could try to implicate me, but he would not get very far |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Seth Date: 25 Nov 00 - 07:41 AM I sympathize with you. It's hard to see someone like that with a focus when they are also your friend. I had a really nice handmade guitar that I carried around for thirty years. I got it past the junkies and no-goods in Oakland, San Francisco, New York, and Seattle and many, many small places in between. I taught my son to play guitar on it, and he broke into my house and stole it and sold it to a pawn shop for twenty-five bucks. It had been reworked by guitar maker Erwin Somagyi and was worth several thousand, I guess. I sure had no intention of selling it. That really hurt. I had my son arrested and he went to jail, but that really didn't make it right. I got another guitar with the homeowner's insurance, that didn't fix it either. He has apologized to me many times. He is doing time now in a Washington prison for writing bad checks, we communicate regularly. I love him , but something was broken that we haven't been able to fix. It's a bad feeling that will be there for a long time. My best to you. Seth from China |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,Pete Peterson Date: 25 Nov 00 - 07:45 AM THis is a rough one. Girl from the UK, you too have some ambiguity here; you like this guy and are feeling a lot of anger at the same time, right? You say it's out of your hands since your business patner knows and has gone to the police. The question remains for you: how can you behave so as to like yourself afterwards? There's an old cliche that goes "Once I had money and friends. I loaned the friends the money, and now I have neither money nor friends." (sounds like a Dock Boggs song, doesn't it?) It sounds like despite the betrayals (and you didn't loan this guy money, he stole it., Yes, i understand that the analogy is not exact) you still would like him for a friend. OK, then . . . you contact him and tell him what the 750 pounds is mising under circumstances that point to him, and that you value the friendship very much-- and what would he like you to do? Sorry, no good answers. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Noreen Date: 25 Nov 00 - 12:25 PM I think that at the moment you are probably far from liking him, but you don't stop loving someone just because you don't like them any more... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Alice Date: 25 Nov 00 - 02:49 PM UK Girl, make some new friends you can trust and respect. Replace the thief with people who are worthy of your friendship. I'm being blunt about this, but it comes from my personal experience. When I was younger, I would give unreliable people whatever they would take, thinking they needed my help. I would keep giving them second and third chances to "change", and it just made them continue with worse behavior than before. It resulted in them continuing their bad behavior and me being exploited. There are lots of good people around to be friends with. There are good people who do need help in this world who will not take unfair advantage of your kindness. If you spend your energy on people who will appreciate help, you will be rewarded, not exploited. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,Girl in the UK Date: 26 Nov 00 - 01:39 AM I went to see him yesterday and he admitted the theft. He sat down with me with a "little boy lost" look on his face I felt as if I was seeing him for the first time I didn't like what I saw. There was no raised voices, it was all very proper. He was very subdued while we talked. He then picked up his guitar and started singing as if nothing had happened. I left feeling happier for talking to him, but also in the knowledge that he is no friend of mine. A lot of "bad" things have happened to me recently, I usually put these things behind me and get on with life, this has shaken me, I am feeling paranoid - who can I trust?(apart from you lot here!) I also feel bad about not saying who I am, its like I said before I am getting paranoid - and if I do say who am then quite a lot of mudcatters will know who it was who let me down(he is NOT a mudcatter) Oh bloody hell..... |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Noreen Date: 26 Nov 00 - 12:19 PM Don't worry about not saying who you are, I think we all understand the reasons. PM me if you want to talk more. Love Noreen |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,girl in Uk Date: 27 Nov 00 - 04:53 AM Noreen, I can't PM you as we are on the loki server but I will do as soon as we are back on normal mudcat |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Jim Dixon Date: 27 Nov 00 - 04:31 PM Regarding the insurance scam: I don't know how it works in the UK, but here in the US, each state makes and enforces its own law about insurance, and several states and insurance companies have set up an Insurance Fraud Hotline. (Here's the one for North Carolina, for example.) Maybe you can find something similar in the UK. I once knew someone who was trying to work an insurance scam. He had a boat that was destroyed in an accident when he was towing it behind his car, and he filed an insurance claim using a bogus bill of sale that showed an inflated price for the boat. I wish I could have turned him in. Unfortunately I was in a difficult position. The only way I knew about the fraud was because his girlfriend told me, and I also knew that he had violent tendencies and she was afraid of him. It seemed to me that turning him in would have violated the trust she put in me and put her in jeopardy. So I didn't do anything. I also never heard whether he was successful. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Hollowfox Date: 28 Nov 00 - 11:58 AM I'd warn the rest of your mutual friends about this, so he doesn't pull the same stunt on them. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,new reader Date: 29 Nov 00 - 05:24 AM Call the undertaker and bury the relationship. Whether you may need the money badly or not is something only you can determine. This is obviously not a friend, and for you to play therapist is futile. It sounds like confrontation may have adverse repercussions. write it off as a loss and a lesson learned. call the undertaker. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Irish sergeant Date: 29 Nov 00 - 12:23 PM Dear Guestin the UKGirl; First: turn the sodding bastard in to the authorities before he winds up face down in the Thames. Second; cut him loose! Trust me when I tell you, this person is never going to change. You shouldn't go through life feeling miserable and guilty because this useless VAMPIRE has made you a target. You need to get as far away from him and his little boy lost act as is possible. Never mind helping the twit. He deserves to be locked up in Newgate. (or in a borstal somewhere if he is underage.) Remeber too, that you have friends here who are willing to listen. The pain of "losing" a friend such as he has been to you will pass more rapidly than you would believe. Meanwhile, take good care and heed the advice of the people who REALLY care about you. My kindest reguards from across the pond, Neil AKA Irish Sergeant |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: John Routledge Date: 29 Nov 00 - 02:24 PM Dear Girl in UK Please heed the advice of those who care for you as just suggested by Neil. Take care of yourself John |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Willie-O Date: 29 Nov 00 - 05:03 PM Tough experience. Being so blatantly used and ripped off by someone you thought was a friend. You are understandably hurt and a lot of courses of action have been suggested here. I think you will be all right with any one of them, personally I don't think you need to actively turn him in, if that feels against the grain for you, since the momentum of events is closing in on him anyway. But don't go along with him, don't give him another chance to mess up your life, and don't lie for him. People can change self-destructive patterns of behaviour. I know this from first-hand experience. But no one else can make them do so, they have to decide it on their own, and find the strength within themselves to make the changes. It's possible he'll get himself sorted out and eventually be a friend again--but right now he is not capable of being anyone's friend, because friends don't steal from each other no matter how strong the urge. I think you have already recognized this. Stay strong. Willie-O
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: longarm Date: 30 Nov 00 - 01:12 AM O.K.U.K. girl! There are to types of people in this world, Drains and Radiators. Guess which one your 'friend' is! DUMP HIM!! Good Luck. |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: katlaughing Date: 30 Nov 00 - 02:02 AM I call these types "emotional vampyres", among other things. As Willie-O said, stay strong and do not lie for him. You need to care for yourself and let his chips fall where they may. It is not of your doing. All the best, kat |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: GUEST,Girl in the UK Date: 30 Nov 00 - 04:11 AM Many, many thanks to you all for your support when I badly needed it. The initial shock has gone and I feel more in control of myself and the situation. I have cast him off, I dont care about the money. Today my business partner may go to the police. I have other things in my life that I need to sort out and just get on with. I will not waste anymore time on someone like him. From the bottom of my heart - I thank you love Girl in the UK xx |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Irish sergeant Date: 30 Nov 00 - 09:04 AM Girl in the UK; Good Show! Get on with life and take good care, If I don't here from you in this or your other guise before Christmas, Boxing Day etc. Have a great holiday season. 2001 will be better for you. Kindest reguards, Neil |
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Subject: RE: Help: Good Friend betrayed me From: Mrs.Duck Date: 30 Nov 00 - 01:03 PM This is a terrible thing to have happened but I really think that you must let your circle of friends know what has happened. Its all very well people saying dump him and find friends to trust but why should you be the loser. If he s well regarded by the others in your group you may find yourself being pushed out. If they are aware of what has happened they will be supportive. It will also prevent this from happening to someone else. Also if this friend has a real problem then he needs to feel the consequences and maybe get the support he needs. Telling the truth could end up with everyone coming through wiser but still friends. And don't feel guilty!!!!!or stupid_ this is NOT your fault HUG |
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