BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 05:57 PM

I have been in this situation for the past 8 years. It is not pleasant. Tried talking and it turned into the "I'm not getting enough" conversation. This gets very waring. So then we tried the counselling and non sensate touching,this should take about 6 weeks. Took us over 6 months because he wouldn't make the effort. Even did the wiring up the "bit" to see if it was working,aparently it was but not for me. I began to think there was something wrong with me. Its the complete lack of affection that is soul destroying. Going solo is fine but its not the same as making love with someone you care about. We are now trying to work out the best way to split up and keep it as amicable as possible.

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: mousethief
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 05:55 PM

Surmounting is just the problem -- GFOR can't get her sir to mount her.

Sorry, couldn't resist, know this is serious.

Alex.

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Allan C.
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 05:49 PM

Glad you brought that up, Bill. Yep, quite a long list of drugs have negative effects upon libido and even sensuality (- sometimes even if the desire is there, sensation seems to be diminished.) The both problems can be very difficult to surmount.

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 05:37 PM

so many questions..how long has this been going on? How were things 'before'? Has it been discussed between you much, or is it a non-topic? What age is SO, and are meds involved..(I took an anti-depressant several years ago, and my libido dropped off the bottom of the scale..made me depressed...quit taking it..)...and there is BIG difference between 'no desire' and 'no desire FOR desire'..

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Mooh
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 05:28 PM

...subtitled, The Story Of My Life.

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 05:06 PM

And good luck, I forgot to say. I like Allan C's advice - but in my case my (now) X2B took the idea as a terrible insult. Which it was not intended to be, it's just that if s/he's ALREADY feeling inadequate, which might be the source of the lower libido anyway, offering to extend their, um, abilities might not be the best approach...

And to Matt etc, the first 25 years don't count anyway, you aren't supposed to be gettin' it regular yet...

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: mousethief
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 04:18 PM

In my experience, if one partner has "checked out" of contributing to the quality of the marriage, the marriage is for all intents and purposes over. With me it took about 2 years to go from my ex checking out emotionally to HER finally asking for a divorce (I was the bleary-eyed dreamer who kept thinking we could make it work; she went to counselling but insisted that it was my job to fix everything and that she had no responsibility to contribute to the success of our marriage).

Hope it hasn't come to this in your case, GFOR. Good luck.

ALex

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Midchuck
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 04:07 PM

Matt - I did.

I enjoyed the second 25 years of my life a lot more than the first 25.

Dinna dispair.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Matt_R
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 04:03 PM

5 years....try 22 years!

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Allan C.
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 04:03 PM

Naemanson's "Talk of your feelings and ask about the SO's feelings." coupled with Gary T's counseling advice sound especially good to me. To be blatant about it: Is is possible that this is SO's non-confrontational way of commenting on your technique? It is a common thing to have happen among couples. And before GFOR becomes totally offended, I should point out that technique is a two-way street. All too often one partner or the other (or both) neglet(s) to communicate needs, preferences, or even delights.

If this is not the case, then perhaps it is time to consider the introduction of something new. I am a firm believer in "toys". While I, persnoally, am not into what some would consider to be the freakier stuff, I do think that some good, basic things like dildos and vibrators can be wonderful additions.

I am fairly sure that most studies have shown that a good many men tend to "finish" long before women. This can result in her feeling unsatisfied and in his feeling inadequate. Making it known that the use of "toys" would be welcomed could change things dramatically.

Prior discussion might not be completely necessary. Just handing your partner the appropriate "toy" (which might just magically appear at the right time) could say all that need be said.

There are those, (he said, vaguely) who eventually begin to think of the "toys" as extensions of themselves. (It's a Zen thing).

Note: Be sure to keep all toys VERY clean and to use proper lubrication where necessary.

I hope this might be helpful, if not to GFOR, then perhaps to others.

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 03:51 PM

In my case, I let it go on for nearly 10 years as it got worse and worse, so that by the time I left it was maybe once a year and even then only if SO had had a lot of alcohol. It sucked. I finally left. Now at least I'm not getting any (coming up on 5 years of that, pun intended) BUT isn't as incredibly upsetting/depressing/unfulfilling as being married and still not getting any. Use the old Ann Landers test - are you better with SO and no sex or without both (at least for a while)?

(Signed) Not anonymous this time but I don't blame you one bit!

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Gary T
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 03:23 PM

Counseling from a competent sex therapist may be helpful. If SO refuses to participate in that, going anyway (alone) might give you some insight and ideas on possible root causes and things to try to possibly improve the situation.

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Naemanson
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 03:20 PM

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and the heartbreak.

This is not a problem one person can solve alone. It takes two to realize there is a problem. The exercise comment is good. Exercize is good for depression and libido. Sweet talking is good. But most importantly is just paying attention to each other. Do things together that are very low stress so you can concentrate on each other and how you feel. Talk of your feelings and ask about the SO's feelings. Don't try to wheedle. Don't push. Give SO plenty of time to formulate thoughts and consider answers.

And rediscover romanticism. Eat by candlelight. Spend time with each other without the TV on. Read the Sunday paper all cuddled up together. Take a walk and hold hands. Play strip poker. Take a long drive with no real destination. Bathe together. Give each other back rubs. Basically just rediscover each other's bodies.

Good Luck!

Subject: Cold showers SUCK!
From: Clinton Hammond2
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 03:12 PM

Absence makes the heart grow fun-fur...

Absenth makes the heart grow fungus...

;-)

good luck eh!

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: paddymac
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 02:40 PM

Hmm. I know that the problem can be a serious one, and I didn't mean, and don't wish, to belittle anyone struggling with the issue. But, I do believe that laughing at or collective selves can be a helpful thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: paddymac
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 02:35 PM

I just know there's gotta be a song in this somewhere. Some one (I apologize, but can't remember who it was) sang a song about "solo-sexuals" on one of the HearMe sing-songs a few months ago. I remember being absolutely without the wee-est dram that night and laughing so hard I cried. I tried a super-search every way I could think of, but couldn't find anything. I guess it's not in either the DT or any thread. Has anybody out there got the lyrics, or remember who it was that sang it?

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Peg
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 02:32 PM

Spend a bit of time apart...a weekend, a week or two if you can manage it.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder... or, out of sight, out of mind?

You decide...but in my experience having some space and time to one's self (which many people in committed relationships do not get enough of) helps make the partner seem that much more special for not being available at every moment...

Also a medical check-up, some fresh air and exercise and some damiana tea wouldn't hurt...

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: GUEST,GFOR
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 02:31 PM

SO is mildly depressed, won't go to doctor

i live the life of a nun in that respect

have tried all the sweet serve-u things etc.

no end in sight

looking for ways to cope

wondering if anyone else has/had this problem

and what they did

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: Susan-Marie
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 02:27 PM

Your SO might want to get screened for depression. Very common problem, especially at this time of year (holiday/winter blues), low libido is one of the symptoms.

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: mousethief
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 02:25 PM

Could be a medical thing. Is SO willing to go to the doc for a chat?

Also could be an attitude thing; GFOR might try working extra hard to do nice things for SO, make SO feel good, give lots of hugs and cuddles and other physical but non-sexual attention to SO. (This more likely to be the case if GFOR is male and SO is female)

Just some thoughts.

Alex

Subject: RE: BS: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: GUEST,ditto
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 02:16 PM

Might I suggest that SO get some exercise. A fit bod, gets fit all over.

Subject: Libido in HIGH gear - SO's in LOW gear
From: GUEST,for obvious reasons
Date: 15 Dec 00 - 02:11 PM

so what do you do

if it is not an occassional thing

do others have this going on, too

self-pleasure gets old

p.s. this is not a flame it is a sincere desire, pardon the pun, to discuss the issue, anonymity guaranteed if one logs out